Epigraphs:

“I didn’t know what I was in for when I set out for that run.”
— Better Oblivion Community Center

“Two suns in the sunset/ Didn’t know my race was run.”
— Pink Floyd, “Two Suns in the Sunset”

“Don’t stand so close to me.”
— The Police

Elodie, baby, I’m massively in love with you.
I always have been, and I always will be.

I arrived on a Sunday. We met on Monday.
You were wearing yellow, I recall.
You touched my arm and said, “I’m an Aries moon too.”
And that began my fall.

We walked lightly to the next session.
I had no idea what I was in for.
We compared charts and we matched,
And I knew I was a goner before we even reached the door.

Before I even reached the door.

We sat side by side at the table,
Elbows and hands touching tight.
When your fingers clasped mine, I almost passed out.
You were absolutely stunning, a total knockout.

At dusk we went to dinner.
It was inside the main hall.
There was turkey, there was gravy,
There was cranberry and all.

Before dinner, we drank wine,
Red and white as you please.
I bought a bottle with some money
I probably pulled it from my sleeve.

She may have been impressed that I had money,
But she probably didn’t care.
All I could think was, oh my god, this girl—
Look at her hair.

It was colored chestnut brown
And stretched halfway down her back.
It was right about this moment
That I had a heart attack.

After dinner she broke out cigarettes.
I’d had a dozen in sixteen years.
I caved immediately, of course.
I was the victim of all fears.

I feared a future without her.
That was something I couldn’t stand.
When I got back to my room,
I knew I’d have to take matters into my hand.

I played “Mistakes Were Made” by the Mendoza Line.
I had to call a spade a spade.
The title sounded like some kind of sign.
I wanted desperately to wank.
There, I said. Fine.

But at the same time, I had only one thought
Running around my brain:
I’m massively in love with this girl,
And I cannot stop this train.

I wanted to move to London.
Would I? We’d see.
It probably wasn’t the best idea,
But baby, you know me.

Tuesday morning we went to Pret.
It was about a ten-minute walk.
On the way there, all we did
Was talk and talk and talk.

We split the cost of Pret
And walked back to the quad.
We sat down in the back garden.
I was feeling pretty odd.

She had a hearty breakfast.
She was at her eating peak.
After that she mostly stopped.
I was worried.
She was looking pretty weak.

We never went to another session.

I’d been thinking a lot about muses,
And I cast her in that role.
When she went along with this,
I knew I was in a deep hole.

In turn she talked about her career.
She was a photographer, you see.
She was good at what she did,
But she wasn’t making enough money.

She’d had a gig in Italy
With some famous movie stars,
But her career was on the downside.
She wasn’t getting very far.

She had a job photographing hand models.
She didn’t like it at all.
But she had to do it to make money,
And through it all my girl stood tall.

Before dinner she said something
To change the course of the week.
She said, “You’re super charming like my father.”
I knew then I was in deep.

She’d been abused when she was little.
I’d been abused too.
Fuck that guy. Fuck them all.
Fuck abusers too.

I couldn’t have sex with her. Why?
I just couldn’t say.
But it had something to do with what she’d said about her dad.
I didn’t fully understand it, but I knew it was bad.

Deep inside my heart,
I thought she might be conflating me with her abuser.
I didn’t even know
Where to start.

I was riddled with my abuse.
As a teenager, I thought I was gay.
I didn’t really think so,
And things didn’t turn out that way.

I was crazy about women,
Madly in love with girls.
But her comment changed the conversation.
We were in a whole new world.

Four years earlier I’d written an essay for my blog
Called “Reflections: On Coming Through.”
Its epigraph came from Dylan before a song:
“This one goes out to someone watching out there tonight.
She knows who she is.”

I wanted something like that for her.
I wanted her to be my twin.
As it happens, I’m a Gemini.
I was ready to put a little skin in the game
And see what could take place.

I didn’t know where things were going,
But I knew I wanted to run the race,
To come in first, to break the tape,
To be the champion of the day.

I turned back to Elodie
And tried to think of something to say.

I wanted to say, “Baby, let’s get married,”
But there was very little chance.
So I put the thought to bed
And kept it in my pants.

After dinner we talked like before,
Very, very close.
After dinner we had wine,
Like every night before.

I got a little drunk,
So I counted up the score.
I thought I was down on the card
By just a point or two.

It was kind of hard to tell.
Everything was brand fucking new.

I was head over heels for my baby,
And when she said she’d leave her guy,
My heart went through the ceiling
And flew way up high.

Friday came without announcement,
And we walked on back to Pret.
After that we went to a park.
It was real nice, I bet.

We’d fallen into a pattern.
I was not an I.
We were a we.

There was a little bridge in the park.
She walked up to the top.
She said, “Baby, this is my bridge.”
I said, “Baby, you’re the boss.”

Then she started crying,
Just sitting in the sun.
I got a little worried.
I said, “Babe, what’s up, hon?”

She said, “I’m so confused.
I don’t know what to do.
I love my fiancé.
I love you too.”

I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

Then I said, “Look, honey, here’s the deal.
I live a million miles away.
I want to be with you forever.
That’s all I’m gonna say.”

“But darling, as you know,
I live in Japan and you are here.
Maybe go back to your fiancé
And see how things go, my dear.”

She said, “Well, yeah, I’ll think about it.
I’ll stay in a hotel tonight.”

I said, “Where?”

She said, “London.”

I said, “That sounds about right.”

And then she said a line
I’ve never forgotten to this day:

“Baby, don’t sit so close to me.”

I said, “Just how far away?”

She said, “Just about an inch.”

I said, “Babes, that’s not that far.”

She said, “Well, that’s all I can handle.
I need you where you are.”

Then she fell into my arms.

The ambulances were blaring
Like the city was under attack.
I was getting pretty tired,
And I half carried her back.

We walked back to the campus,
And she said she had to talk to Claire Martin,
One of the tutors on the course.

I went down to the bookstore.
There was a dude there, of course.

I browsed around and played Dylan on my phone,
“Red River Shore.”
We sat there all alone.

Melanie Reinhart was sitting nearby.
I went and sat beside her.
I’m not really sure why.

I picked up a book on musical astrology.
It was about famous musicians’ charts.
I thought it looked pretty cool.

She said, “Don’t buy that one, baby.
Don’t be a silly fool.”

So I got another book,
And then we both stood up.

Melanie had to move out,
So we went back upstairs.
She had a couple heavy suitcases,
So I got them out of there.

Then I went back to say goodbye to Elodie,
And we walked into the chapel.
I told her I wanted to know her
When she was an old woman.

She said I was very sweet.
That made me smile.

I said, “Baby, you can’t be beat.”

And we sat there for a while.

Then we kissed goodbye,
And I stepped out of the gate.
I had to get some lunch.
I was running a little late.

As I walked to my hotel,
I was feeling pretty weird.
I only had a little stubble,
But I had to itch my beard.

At the restaurant I got bouillabaisse
And a lovely beer as well.
I texted Elodie Jason Molina’s “Leave the City.”

I said, “Baby, what the hell
Are we gonna do about our relationship?
Who are we gonna be?”

She said, “Baby, I have no idea.
We’ll just have to wait and see.”

I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s right.
There’s nothing we can do.
I’ll see you when I see you, baby.
I love you. I do.”

She said, “I love you too.”

I sent a couple more songs,
And I’m happy to report
That after the conference
We still got along.

After lunch I was super tired,
So I went to get some sleep.
I knew once my head hit the pillow,
I would sleep really deep.

I woke up the next morning
At four-thirty or so.
My wife had to catch a bus.
England isn’t the safest, you know.

So we stood there on the corner,
Then she climbed onto the bus.
In a different kind of way,
I didn’t know what to do about us.

Then I hugged her quickly,
And we said our goodbyes.
And I took the short walk home
Under the English sky.

I jumped into the shower.
I was glad I was all alone.
I had a cab coming at eight.
Pretty soon I’d be going home.

I packed up all my things.
I didn’t know what the day would bring.
In the cab the driver played the radio.
I could barely hear a thing.

There was a story about the poor
And how there was very little housing around.
But I couldn’t really dwell on that.
That was somebody else’s deal.

I had to get to the airport
To make my final appeal.

On the plane I played Pink Floyd’s
“Two Suns in the Sunset,”
And I cried a bit.

I thought about my son, of course.
I swallowed.
Took the hit.

I read Anthony Powell on my Kindle,
And it kind of messed me up.
So I asked for peanuts and some wine
In a little paper cup.

I had the wine and then another.
I started to relax.
I understood then for sure
That I had to pay a heavy tax.

I knew my marriage was over,
And my career probably as well.
It was only a matter of time.
Time is always quick to tell.

I landed in Osaka
And got a room across the street.
It was too far to get back to Kyoto.
Sometimes nearness can’t be beat.

I texted Elodie from the hotel, of course.
It was just around nine her time.
She said she was working in the park
On someone else’s dime.

I said, “Baby, that sounds awesome.
I wish I was there with you.”

She said, “Me too, baby,
But there’s nothing we can do.”

For the next few weeks,
We texted and called almost every day.
Then she had a dream and talked to her therapist,
And then she mostly went away.

The dream took place in the woods.
There was a fire of some kind.
She said that I was there with her.
I began to fall behind.

She said, “My therapist says I can’t talk to you.”

I said, “Baby, don’t say it’s true.”

She said, “Yeah, I don’t know yet.”

I said, “Baby, it’s up to you.”

After that we sent some letters
And some texts and things like that.
I wrote her in March 2019,
And that was pretty much that.

I was the last one to write.
That was about seven years ago.
I figured the door was still open.
I emailed her a little while ago.

And whether or not she’s read it,
So far it hasn’t been a no.

Email doesn’t have read receipts,
So I don’t know if she saw it.
I’m betting that she did.
So I’ll just have to wait a bit.

She’ll answer or she won’t.
It’s pretty much all the same to me.
Our relationship was years ago.
It’s all history, you see.

But I know I’ll always love her.
That’ll always be a fact.
And I still think sometimes
About going back.

Going back to London
And trying to find her one fine day.
But if I actually found her,
I don’t know what I would say.

I guess I’d say, “Hey, baby,
Do you wanna get some pancakes,
Some coffee,
And hang out?”

She’d say yeah or she’d say no.
At least I would find out.

Then I’d go back to Kyoto,
Or maybe Thailand just for kicks.
Maybe move on down to Thailand,
Hit the beach and seek some bliss.

Thinking about Elodie
Has brought up old memories,
And I really need to chill.

Smoke some weed and drink some rum
Or I’m gonna get a little ill.

And sure, I’m ill.
I’ve been lovesick for Elodie
Since the first day I ran across her
In a seminar room on Monday.

I spent about a week with her,
And I’ll never forget a thing
That we said or did together.

I still want her to wear my ring.

I know that’s highly doubtful,
But a guy can dream a dream,
And God knows that I have to,
After all the things I’ve seen.

Elodie, baby, give me a call.
Honey, baby, don’t forget me.

I’ll never forget you at all.

For Elodie, my baby.
I cannot describe how much I love you, baby.