Note: I spent about a week with Elodie eight years ago. I fell madly, historically in love. Obviously. She is absolutely stunning and took my breath away. I was beyond gaga and remain so to this day.

She is my one and only baby. Naturally. My darling, my sweetheart, my lover my queen. My baby. I will never forget anything from that week. I remember the yellow she wore when we met. I remember Pret in the morning, wine before dinner, cigarettes, the park, the bridge, the chapel, the airport, the songs we sent each other, and a great many things that would be easier to have forgotten.

As if I could ever forget.

Since the years since I met her I have written six essays and a play about her. I know dude it’s a lot, So what? I am crazy in love with her and always will be. I will soon turn all of my Elodie material into a book. It will be good and I hope you like it. I know I will.

So in anticipation of that about I wrote her a love poem. Here it is:

Epigraphs:

“I didn’t know what I was in for when I set out for that run.”
— Better Oblivion Community Center

“Two suns in the sunset/ Didn’t know my race was run.”
— Pink Floyd, “Two Suns in the Sunset”

“Don’t stand so close to me.”
— The Police

Elodie, baby, I’m massively in love with you
I always have been, and I always will be.

I arrived on a Sunday. We met on Monday
You were wearing yellow, I recall
You touched my arm and said, “I’m an Aries moon too”
And that began my fall.

We walked lightly to the next session
I had no idea what I was in for
We compared charts and we matched
And I knew I was a goner before we even reached the door.

Before I even reached the door.

We sat side by side at the table
Elbows and hands touching tight
When your fingers clasped mine, I almost passed out
You were absolutely stunning, a total knockout.

At dusk we went to dinner
It was inside the main hall
There was turkey, there was gravy,
There was cranberry and all.

Before dinner, we drank wine
Red and white as you please
I bought a bottle with some money
I probably pulled out of my sleeve.

She may have been impressed that I had money
But she probably didn’t care
All I could think was, oh my god, this girl—
Look at her hair.

It was colored chestnut brown
And stretched halfway down her back
It was right about this moment
That I had a heart attack.

After dinner she broke out cigarettes
I’d had a dozen in sixteen years
I caved immediately, of course
I was the victim of all fears.

I feared a future without her
That was something I couldn’t stand
When I got back to my room
I knew I’d have to take matters into my hand.

I played “Mistakes Were Made” by the Mendoza Line
I had to call a spade a spade
The title sounded like some kind of sign
I wanted desperately to wank
There, I said it. Fine.

But at the same time, I had only one thought
Running around my brain
I’m massively in love with this girl
And I cannot stop this train.

I wanted to move to London
Would I? We would see
It probably wasn’t the best idea
But baby, you know me.

Tuesday morning we went to Pret
It was about a ten-minute walk
On the way there all we did
Was talk and talk and talk.

We split the cost of Pret
And walked back to the quad
We sat down in the back garden
I was feeling rather odd.

She had a hearty breakfast
She was at her eating peak
After that she mostly stopped
I was a little worried
She was looking rather weak.

We never went to another session.

I’d been thinking a lot about muses
And I cast her in that role
When she went along with this
I knew I was in a deep hole.

In turn she talked about her career
She was a photographer, you see
She was good at what she did
But she wasn’t making enough money.

She’d had a gig in Italy
With some famous movie stars
But her career was on the downside
She wasn’t getting very far.

She had a job photographing hand models
She didn’t like it at all
But she had to do it to make money
And through it all my girl stood tall.

Before dinner she said something
To change the course of the week
She said, “You’re super charming like my father.”
I knew then I was in deep.

She’d been abused when she was little
I’d been abused too
Fuck that guy. Fuck them all.
Fuck abusers too.

I couldn’t have sex with her. Why?
I just couldn’t say
It had something to do with what she’d said about her dad
I didn’t fully understand it, but I knew it was bad.

Deep inside my heart
I thought she might be conflating me with her abuser
I didn’t even know
Where to start.

As a result of my abuse
As a teenager, I thought I was gay.
I didn’t really think so
Things didn’t turn out that way.

I was crazy about women
Madly in love with girls
But her comment changed the conversation
We were in a whole new world.

Four years earlier I’d written an essay for my blog
Called “Reflections: On Coming Through”
Its epigraph came from Dylan before a song:
“This one goes out to someone watching out there tonight.
She knows who she is.”

I wanted something like that for her
I wanted her to be my twin
As it happens, I’m a Gemini.
I was ready to put a little skin in the game
And see what could take place.

I didn’t know where things were going
But I knew I wanted to run the race
To come in first, to break the tape
To be the champion of the day.

I turned back to Elodie
And tried to think of something to say.

I wanted to say, “Baby, let’s get married”
But there was very little chance
So I put the thought to bed
And kept it in my pants.

After dinner we talked like before
Very, very close
After dinner we had wine
Like every night before.

I got a little drunk
So I counted up the score
I thought I was down on the card
By just a point or two.

It was kind of hard to tell.
Everything was brand fucking new.

I was head over heels for my baby
And when she said she’d leave her guy
My heart went through the ceiling
And flew way up high.

Friday came without announcement
And we walked on back to Pret
After that we went to a park
It was real nice, I bet.

We’d fallen into a pattern
I was not an I
We were a we.

There was a little bridge in the park
She walked up to the top
She said, “Baby, this is my bridge”
I said, “Baby, you’re the boss.”

Then she started crying
Just sitting in the sun
I got a little worried
I said, “Babe, what’s up, hon?”

She said, “I’m so confused
I don’t know what to do
I love my fiancé
I love you too.”

I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

Then I said, “Look, honey, here’s the deal
I live a million miles away
I want to be with you forever
That’s all I’m gonna say.”

“But darling, as you know
I live in Japan and you are here
Maybe go back to your fiancé
And see how things go, my dear.”

She said, “Well, yeah, I’ll think about it.
I’ll stay in a hotel tonight.”

I said, “Where?”

She said, “London.”

I said, “That sounds about right.”

And then she said a line
I’ve never forgotten to this day:

“Baby, don’t sit so close to me.”

I said, “Just how far away?”

She said, “Just about an inch.”

I said, “Babes, that’s not that far.”

She said, “Well, that’s all I can handle.
I need you where you are.”

Then she fell into my arms.

The ambulances were blaring
Like the city was under attack
I was getting pretty tired
And I half carried her back.

We walked back to the campus
And she said she had to talk to Claire Martin
One of the tutors on the course.

I went down to the bookstore
There was a dude there, of course.

I browsed around and played Dylan on my phone,
“Red River Shore”
We sat there all alone.

Melanie Reinhart was sitting nearby
I went and sat beside her
I’m not really sure why.

I picked up a book on musical astrology
It was about famous musicians’ charts
I thought it looked pretty cool.

She said, “Don’t buy that one, baby.
Don’t be a silly fool.”

So I bought another book
And then we both stood up.

Melanie had to move out
So we went back upstairs
She had a couple heavy suitcases
So I got them out of there.

Then I went back to say goodbye to Elodie
And we walked into the chapel
I told her I wanted to know her
When she was an old woman.

She said I was very sweet
That made me smile.

I said, “Baby, you can’t be beat.”

And we sat there for a while.

Then we kissed goodbye
And I stepped out of the gate
I had to get some lunch
I was running a little late.

As I walked to my hotel
I was feeling pretty weird
I only had a little stubble
But I had to itch my beard.

At the restaurant I got bouillabaisse
And a lovely beer as well.
I texted Elodie Jason Molina’s “Leave the City.”

I said, “Baby, what the hell
Are we gonna do about our relationship?
Who are we gonna be?”

She said, “Baby, I have no idea
We’ll just have to wait and see.”

I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s right
There’s nothing we can do
I’ll see you when I see you, baby
I love you. I do.”

She said, “I love you too.”

I sent a couple more songs
And I’m happy to report
That after the conference
We still got along.

After lunch I was super tired
So I went to get some sleep
I knew once my head hit the pillow
I would sleep really deep.

I woke up the next morning
At four-thirty or so
My wife had to catch a bus
England isn’t the safest, you know.

So we stood there on the corner
Then she climbed onto the bus
In a different kind of way
I didn’t know what to do about us.

Then I hugged her quickly
And we said our goodbyes
And I took the short walk home
Under the English sky.

I jumped into the shower
I was glad I was all alone
I had a cab coming at eight
Pretty soon I’d be going home.

I packed up all my things
I didn’t know what the day would bring
In the cab the driver played the radio
I could barely hear a thing.

There was a story about the poor
And how there was very little housing around
But I couldn’t really dwell on that
That was somebody else’s deal.

I had to get to the airport
To make my final appeal.

On the plane I played Pink Floyd’s
“Two Suns in the Sunset”
And I cried a bit.

I thought about my son, of course
I swallowed
Took the hit.

I read Anthony Powell on my Kindle
And he kind of messed me up.
So I asked for peanuts and some wine
In a little paper cup.

I had the wine and then another.
I started to relax.
I understood then for sure
That I had to pay a heavy tax.

I knew my marriage was over
And my career probably as well
It was only a matter of time
Time is always quick to tell.

I landed in Osaka
And got a room across the street
It was too far to get back to Kyoto
Sometimes nearness can’t be beat.

I texted Elodie from the hotel, of course
It was just around nine her time
She said she was working in the park
On someone else’s dime.

I said, “Baby, that sounds awesome.
I wish I was there with you.”

She said, “Me too, baby,
But there’s nothing we can do.”

For the next few weeks
We texted and called almost every day
Then she had a dream and talked to her therapist
And then she mostly went away.

The dream took place in the woods
There was a fire of some kind
She said that I was there with her
I began to fall behind.

She said, “My therapist says I can’t talk to you.”

I said, “Baby, don’t say it’s true.”

She said, “Yeah, I don’t know yet.”

I said, “Baby, it’s up to you.”

After that we sent some letters
And some texts and things like that
I wrote her in March 2019
And that was pretty much that.

I was the last one to write
That was about seven years ago
I figured the door was still open
I emailed her a little while ago.

And whether or not she’s read it,
So far it hasn’t been a no.

Email doesn’t have read receipts,
So I don’t know if she saw it.
I’m betting that she did.
So I’ll just have to wait a bit.

She’ll answer or she won’t.
It’s pretty much all the same to me.
Our relationship was years ago.
It’s all history, you see.

But I know I’ll always love her.
That’ll always be a fact.
And I still think sometimes
About going back.

Going back to London
And trying to find her one fine day.
But if I actually found her,
I don’t know what I would say.

I guess I’d say, “Hey, baby,
Do you wanna get some pancakes,
Some coffee,
And hang out?”

She’d say yeah or she’d say no.
At least I would find out.

Then I’d go back to Kyoto,
Or maybe Thailand just for kicks.
Maybe move on down to Thailand,
Hit the beach and seek some bliss.

Thinking about Elodie
Has brought up old memories,
And I really need to chill.

Smoke some weed and drink some rum
Or I’m gonna get a little ill.

And sure, I’m ill.
I’ve been lovesick for Elodie
Since the first day I ran across her
In a seminar room on Monday.

I spent about a week with her,
And I’ll never forget a thing
That we said or did together.

I still want her to wear my ring.

I know that’s highly doubtful,
But a guy can dream a dream,
And God knows that I have to,
After all the things I’ve seen.

Elodie, baby, give me a call.
Honey, baby, don’t forget me.

I’ll never forget you at all.

Dedication:

For Elodie, my baby. I cannot describe how much I love you, baby. I miss you so much.