Cherry Smokes Poem

Ok people. This is Cherry Smokes Poem. In this one Pauley, Tommy, the boys and me rip motherfucking fstties behind the lightning shed. Naturally

Okay, people, it’s been a while since I printed anything. So this Buds for you ya right bastard

See you down the road,

Matty

Me and the boys, we were back of the shed
It said danger on the side
We were gonna sell ourselves some fuckin’ DVDs
Hey now OG take a ride

Hey now sister watch out lover let’s burn it to the fucking ground
Look out, mama, there’s a white boat coming
And it’s just about to gun ya down

We came around the back of the lot
With a pocket full of matches and the whole damn place

There’s a dude on his phone, yeah, yeah, with headphones on
He looks like some guy, but this guy’s long gone
He seems to have a problem of some kind
Or in words he’s got shit on his mind
All we know is he’s a loser of the biggest kind


He’s got a glue gun man like he’s fixin’ his shoe
Maybe dawn’s gonna find him with nothin’ left to prove
All we know is this sucker’s always on the move

Pauly baby, Westerberg that is
Told his brother Tommy
That soda’s gonna fizz
Tommy said, “Fuck it, yeah, I know”
Pauly said, “Brother, let’s bitchin’ go”

badass

On the Pre-Game: A Response to Neil Strauss’ The Game

Note: This piece overlaps with my three essays in the Week with Elodie series, though it approaches that week from a somewhat different direction. Where those pieces follow the arc, this one lingers on the moment before it resolves—the pre-game, as I’ve come to understand it.

It is also a direct response to Neil Strauss’ book The Game. I don’t intend to rebut Strauss so much as to correct what I see as a fundamental weakness in the subculture he dissects. The reader will judge whether or not I succeed.

Epigraphs:

Someone had to play that tune. I guess it was up to me.

— Bob Dylan, “Up to Me”

It all made some sense if you know what to play

– J Mascis, Elastic Days

I. Ippei

At around eleven one night, I was at Zaza, the nightclub on Kiyamachi in Kyoto, when a Japanese man of about fifty-five approached me. Let’s call him Ippei.

He had a proposition. Would I help him pick up two women? All I had to do was pretend to be an old friend from California, someone he hadn’t seen in twenty years.

He did this every night, he told me. The night before, he’d had a threesome.

We went over to the women. Ippei launched into a conversation in Japanese, working his story. I went upstairs to smoke. Twenty minutes later, I came back down. Ippei was still going strong, telling the same story to the same women.

I watched him for a moment.

He didn’t need me. He just needed me to play a role.

His story had landed. Reality was accepted. It was all on.

II. Neil Strauss’ The Game

I’ve read Neil Strauss’ The Game twice. I respect Strauss as an investigator of subcultures, and I think the book is serious reportage. He went inside a world, learned its language, followed its characters, and documented what he found.

My problem isn’t with Strauss as a reporter. It’s with the worldview at the center of the subculture he describes.

The premise is that attraction can be engineered. Learn the right language, the right sequence, the right signals. Find the moves that will break down a woman’s resistance and get you into bed.

It’s a kind of linguistic technology, NLP at its worst.

The system scripts what should be alive. It turns a conversation into a sequence of maneuvers, an encounter into a problem to be solved. Everything becomes instrumental. The point of the interaction is no longer the interaction itself. It’s the outcome.

There’s no room for romance in that equation. No room for the unexpected moment that changes the direction of an evening, or a life. The system is designed to get you somewhere, but it can’t tell you whether that somewhere is worth going.

Look at the group house, with Mystery, Strauss, and Courtney Love, for whatever Courtney Love-related reasons. It’s a sausage fest. And it is simply not cool.

The Gamers may have mastered the game. But somewhere along the way, they’ve stepped outside life itself. They’ve become incel-adjacent: men who have devoted themselves to understanding women while losing sight of the possibility of actually connecting with one.

I’m not interested in rebutting Strauss point by point. Instead, it’s a response.

And for me, that’s where I part ways.

III. The Game Itself

I’ve gone all the way with about a dozen women. The precise number is under strict NDA. I’ve made out with more.

Until this past summer, I wasn’t sexually active by the standards of the pickup community. But I’ve flirted with, connected with, and crushed on dozens of women.

And the truth is, I enjoy crushing on women.

I enjoy the tension, the ambiguity, the possibility. The spark that might become something, or might not. The moment when you can feel something happening but don’t yet know what it is.

For most men, the pre-game is a means to an end. It’s the part you get through on the way to the thing you really want.

For me, it’s the end itself.

However, I’m a highly specific kind of action junkie.

Wittgenstein was said to have manufactured his own oxygen. I manufacture my own action.

I don’t chase it blindly. I don’t optimize for it. I don’t try to force it into existence through systems or scripts.

I generate it. Selectively. Intentionally. And in moments where it actually might mean something.

IV. Luna

I was at Umineko in downtown Kyoto with Mr. Editor. It was around six in the evening when I saw her.

She was stunning.

I have to go talk to her.

So I did.

We spoke in Japanese. The conversation flowed. There was a spark. At some point, I asked for her Instagram. She gave it to me.

I was on Cloud Nine.

The next afternoon, I sent her a message. She didn’t respond.

Was that a failure?

Not for a pre-gamer.

I got the moment. I got the spark. I approached a woman I wanted to meet, and we had a brief, electric encounter. For a little while, there was the possibility of something.

That was the action.

That was the point.

For the Strauss guys, the night ends when the text goes unanswered. The interaction has failed to produce the desired outcome. The system hasn’t delivered.

For me, the night ended at the bar.

With Ippei, the action was more or less scripted. With Strauss, it was systematized. With Luna, it was self-contained.

This is where the epigraph from Dylan starts to carry real weight.

The pre-game isn’t simply a technique for getting what you want. It’s the moment before the outcome, when the possibilities are still open. It’s the point at which you have to decide what to do without knowing what will happen.

You can follow a script. You can learn the system. You can spend years studying the game.

Or you can pay attention.

A script can tell you what to say. A system can tell you what to do next. Neither can tell you what a particular moment means, or what it might become.

And that’s the difference.

The pre-game is not about controlling the outcome. It’s about recognizing the possibility in front of you and deciding whether to act.

No script. No system. No Ippei handing you a premise.

There is only the moment as it actually exists, and your ability to see it clearly.

And then the second part.

It was up to me.

Not to escalate. Not to optimize. But to decide.

The game ends when something happens. The pre-game ends when you decide it should. That is all.

Dedication:

For pre-gamers everywhere. May you get a little action tonight, baby.

The Prize Falcon of Ali Rahman VII: An Elegy

Note: Today I am pleased to publish an elegy called The Prize Falcon of Ali Rahman VII Eyes His Prey.

This elegy is a prelude to my forthcoming piece On Coming Through II: A Personal Reflection at Age 52.

I am writing this reflection because I will very soon be moving back to Los Angeles, in the United States, the country in which I was born. I have lived in Japan for almost thirty years, and it is time to return home.

What I feel most strongly about leaving Japan is relief. Beyond that, I feel a measured confidence that I am ready for this next chapter of my life, along with a sense of anticipation about the friends I will see, the new people I will meet, the music I will play, and the possibilities that await me.

There is something about the wind, about the approach of a storm, and about our instincts which that tell us when it is time to move. We do not always know what lies ahead. Sometimes we simply know that something must change. What comes next is a mystery.

Epigraphs:

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer

W.B. Yeats

You are like a hurricane
There’s calm in your eyes

Neil Young

Ali Rahman VII releases his prize falcon into the air

The falcon swoops to the left and to the right
as he ascends

The falcon is hungry and looks for food
High in the air he looks down


He spies a mouse

The falcon is well trained and knows what to do


A hurricane is approaching
This is something new

The falcon adjusts his wings and prepares to dive

The mouse is oblivious to her doom

The falcon circles slowly and begins his dive
The mouse will be lucky to be alive

The mouse, in her way, senses danger is near
This little mouse experiences something like fear

She scurries toward her burrow

Deep down under the ground

The falcon pauses in midair and looks around

The mouse prepares to slide into her hole

The falcon dives

Dedication: For the gyre. You scare me.

Would you like a bit of Mr. Kelvin today kind sir?”ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT

Subtitle: The Trip.com Talking Blues

Epigraphs:

Trip.com you are way outta control.

Hey Kelvin suck another towel coach.

One fine day I went into Trip.com settings
To turn off the red thing that was pissing me off
I figured it’d take me about half a second,
But the folks who designed it were outta control
I clicked on the menu, I looked at the screen,
I was calm, I was patient, I was courteous and clean.
Then a question appeared that I’d never foreseen:
Would you like to set your temperature?

Well, I don’t want a temperature, I want these weirdo notifications gone,
I’ve been pushing these buttons since the break of dawn. Which is way bad.


I don’t need a forecast, I don’t need a degree,
I just want Trip.com to quit bothering me.
But the little screen asked me, with his sneaky little charm,
If I’d like to select a temperature alarm.
I said, “No, thank you kindly, I mean no offense,”
But the question came back with no common sense.

It said, “Would you prefer Celsius?” I said, “No.”
“Would you prefer Fahrenheit?” I said, “No.”
It said, “We have another scale you might like to employ.”
I said, “Buddy, I’m a grown man, not a temperature boy.”
It said, “There’s a third option, a scientific delight.”
I said, “I came here to turn off a red light.”
Then it offered me something from the physicists’ shelf:
Kelvin. I said, “What are you smoking? Get a grip.”

Now Kelvin Sampson, the basketball coach he didn’t do a thing,
But his name came to mind like a telephone ring
I thought of this bozo and I started to grin,

Ralph Sampson hit a three. Rockets win.


While Trip.com was asking me to let thermodynamics in.
I was trying to go to bed, I was trying to get free,
Now absolute zero was being offered to me.
I said, “I’ve got enough problems, I’ve got bills to pay.
I don’t quite need Lord Kelvin in my settings today.”

Oh, I know all about Celsius, I know Fahrenheit, too,
And I know that absolute zero is a scientific breakthrough.
I know Lord Kelvin had a reason for the scale that he made,
But I wasn’t in the market for a temperature trade.
I wasn’t booking Antarctica, I wasn’t measuring space,
I was trying to get one red notification the fuck outta my face.
You can put all your units in a beautiful array,
But I came here to say what I came here to say.

Now I’ve got my phone settings, I’ve got apps by the score,
I’ve got permissions and tracking and a hundred things more.
I’ve got background refresh and a microphone switch,
I’ve got Siri and Search making life a little rich.
I’ve got Live Activities and a location decree,
I’ve got every damn company trying to manage me.
But when I ask for one simple thing, here’s the answer I get:
A choice of temperature I never asked for yet.

So I laughed till I cried, and I laughed till I wheezed,
I laughed at the screen and I laughed at the keys.
I was dead, then alive, then deceased once again,
While Trip.com kept on behaving like an administrative hen.
I thought of my house and the money I need,
And the things I must sell and the bills I must feed.
I said, “I’ve got a whole life to get back on track.
I don’t need Kelvin. I want my notifications back.”

So here’s my conclusion, my statement, my vow:
I don’t want your temperature, then or now.
Celsius can leave, Fahrenheit can depart,
Kelvin can take his thermodynamics and make a fresh start.
Trip.com, listen, and listen up well:
I’ve got one little message, and here’s how I’ll tell—
You can ask me a thousand times, but the answer’s still NO.
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. Now let me go.

Dedication: Kelvin Sampson you are outta control.

Craig Finn on Nightlife and Adult Relationships III: Jessamine (Craig Finn’s Miniature Masterpiece)

Jessamine must have had some dreams / but she never really said what they were.

— Craig Finn

Note: This is the third entry in my little ongoing series on Craig Finn / The Hold Steady songs that take up nightlife, messy adult relationships, and the long shadows cast by fleeting encounters. Parts I and II are available. I’ve also written at length about what I consider Finn’s two greatest songs: “A Bathtub in a Kitchen” and “It’s Never Been a Fair Fight.”

“Jessamine” is track eight on A Legacy of Rentals, Finn’s 2022 solo record, distributed on his own label, Positive Jam Records. It clocks in at a tight three minutes and twenty-five seconds, and once again I am simply overawed by Finn’s concision and his ability to tell a whole story in just a few words. It is my opinion, and I do not say this lightly, that Finn is the greatest short story writer to have ever lived.

“Jessamine” tells the story of a three-week relationship between the narrator, whom we will continue to call C. for convenience, and a goth girl with a need for speed. A Legacy of Rentals contains at least three excellent songs: the crime caper “The Amarillo Kid,” the gorgeous “The Year We Fell Behind,” and “Jessamine.” I would love to write about “The Year We Fell Behind” as well. However, “Jessamine” falls neatly into our conceit of nightlife and adult relationships, although this one seems to depict more of a young person’s relationship. Close enough.

“Jessamine” is folky and lilting, of a piece with Finn’s later work, which tends toward folk and country as opposed to Lifter Puller’s indie fever dreams and The Hold Steady’s soaring rock anthems. The Finn song it most closely resembles is “Esther,” from a 2018 EP by The Hold Steady, which also depicts an intense and short-lived relationship. In “Esther,” a party ends, two people find themselves alone together, and the passing years seem suddenly to catch up with them. The song captures the strange afterlife of an encounter that might have lasted only a night but continues to occupy the mind long afterward.

“Jessamine” opens with C. remembering a girl he met in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Her floral dress and skateboard give us a quick visual impression, while the warning sticker on the board introduces the possibility of danger. C. then adds, with the casual hindsight of someone who knows how the story ends, that the warning might have been right.

Cherry Hill is in New Jersey, where the song is set. Jessamine is probably a younger woman, and a skater. The opening foreshadows her ultimate fate without spelling it out. Incidentally, the first time I visited New Jersey was during my junior year of college, with my Asian Art History class. It was also on this trip that I first visited New York City, the most intoxicating place on earth, which I have written about relatively extensively. I wrote about my art professor in my piece on my senior year at Hamilton College, in relation to a girl I had a total crush on, whom I called L. L. was not exactly goth, but she might have been goth-adjacent. And she was totally intense. More on goths in a minute.

C. next explains that the relationship lasted about three weeks, during which the two were apparently inseparable and barely slept. Jessamine had a slogan painted above her bed, a familiar piece of Trenton civic identity that takes on a different meaning in the privacy of a bedroom.

It is my experience that short-term relationships can be, and probably are, the most intense and intoxicating type of relationships in a sense. The depth that comes with a true crush, while of a completely different valence from a long-term relationship, is, I believe, without parallel. But then again, I’m an action junkie, as is Finn. I wrote about the power of a crush in my Bad Moves piece, where I confessed to a serious crush on their lead singer, Katie Park. I actually sent the piece to the band via Instagram, and they responded, “Thanks for the write-up.” I don’t know, but I like to believe Katie read, or at least saw, my piece! Unfortunately, Bad Moves are disbanding and are, I believe, on their farewell tour.

The phrase “three weeks straight” conveys something more than the duration of the relationship. It suggests that C. and Jessamine were temporarily inseparable, sleep-deprived, and deep into each other. Trenton is, of course, also in New Jersey, and though I hadn’t heard the exact phrase quoted until I listened to the song, it is apparently well known locally and appears in neon on a bridge.

The next verses introduce Jessamine’s fascination with death. C. remembers hanging around her room, where gloom and doom were part of the attraction, where cartoons mingled with macabre imagery, and where even the instruments seemed to belong to some playful little kingdom of the dead. She is sexy, but her interest in bloodshed is more than a passing aesthetic. She regards violence as something that scarcely needs advertising: people are drawn to it already.

Now, I am not really into a lot of bones and blood personally, but I do like me some goth girls. In fact, in the course of my life I have sort of quasi-dated a few, and for whatever reason they are just my speed. I find goth girls sexy, caring, and deeply intriguing. And mysterious, of course. I have a weakness for crazy women; I cannot lie. And already I can totally see Jessamine’s appeal.

At one point, C. wishes he had asked Jessamine about the origins of war and the peculiar attraction of rival gangs who repeatedly turn up at the same parties despite supposedly hating one another. He imagines that the hostility might conceal a kind of attraction. The questions are funny, strange, and a little unsettling. Why would Jessamine have insight into the origins of global conflicts? I’m not quite sure. However, the image of rival gangs being secretly in love is oddly compelling.

It is with the next verse and chorus that the song really gets going.

Jessamine warns against mistaking suspicion for genuine understanding. She sees a world in which machines of war can resemble symbols of peace, while something is quietly threatening the kingdom she has built around herself. She never quite explains the threat. The night gives way to morning, incense burns down, and her dreams remain unspoken.

Here we learn that our goth girl heroine has something going on that is unarticulated, or perhaps inarticulable. “Jessamine must have had some dreams / but she never really said what they were” is such a wonderful and moving line. We all have dreams, I suppose; some come to fruition and some don’t. But Finn is in no way judging Jessamine’s relative inability to describe her dreams. Instead, this aspect of her character only adds to her obliqueness, her mystery.

That mystery is part of what makes her so compelling. Jessamine is not a puzzle the song promises to solve. She has an interior life that C. can glimpse but never fully access. Her dreams may be perfectly clear to her, or they may be things she cannot articulate even to herself. We are not told. The absence of an explanation does not diminish her character. It enlarges it.

The next verse shows that Jessamine, in the end, and probably from the beginning, had the upper hand in the relationship. She returns to the dating scene, meets another man, and finds herself a little more attracted to him than to the boy she was with before. C. has not even seen her lately. The new man appears to have money or connections, although his impressive surroundings may conceal something less respectable. Then the city grows hot, and the people in the story find themselves trying to weather a storm.

Again, Finn is a total master of precision and compression. C. is immature; Jessamine is, to some extent, on the make; her new boyfriend is crime-adjacent—so many of Finn’s songs feature characters on the margins of the legal world—and the whole damn city mirrors the instability of the relationship. The crush is over. C. is dumped, and he never sees her again.

That’s a weird and kind of almost frightening part of short-lived relationships: while their depths are as intoxicating as anything in life, people will just move on. The moment exists only in memory, burned into the fabric of time, but still fleeting.

The next verse turns toward C. getting over Jessamine. Rain comes and goes; thunder makes a tremendous commotion but cannot sustain it indefinitely. The storm is real enough while it lasts, but it eventually clears. The metaphor is straightforward, perhaps, but it also captures something true about the aftermath of a crush. What seems all-consuming at the time may eventually become a memory that can be approached without being overwhelmed by it.

The final movement puts a pin in Jessamine’s story. C. travels west to San Francisco, where a sailor steals his shirt. He is sitting in the passenger seat of a taxi when he first hears that Jessamine was probably speeding and that no one else was hurt.

I love that final detail. It’s hard to fully explain why, but it’s oddly moving that Jessamine, on her way out, with all her attraction to blood and bones, didn’t take anyone with her. The report is tentative, almost casual. We do not get a reconstruction of the accident or a dramatic account of C.’s grief. We get the news, and then the song returns to Jessamine’s dreams.

Finn doesn’t even really register C.’s reaction to Jessamine’s death. Instead, he repeats the refrain, such that she remains beyond C.’s knowledge even at the moment when he learns she is gone. Her dreams remain unknown to him. Perhaps they were never meant to be known by him. He can remember the girl, the room, the slogan on the wall, the intensity of those three weeks. He cannot tell us what she wanted from life.

Overall, “Jessamine” might seem like kind of a minor song. It’s short, and maybe doesn’t have the deep metaphorical richness of a song like “A Bathtub in a Kitchen.” Nonetheless, I love it. My sense is that a writer has to write for years and years before they can get to a song like “Jessamine.” Finn is a few years older than me, and has accumulated the wisdom and compassion to make a song like this look easy. It is not.

I wish to say a brief word about AI, which may seem unrelated. The other night I met up with a few friends, and some friends of friends were there as well. One of them, a slightly older gentleman who used to work in tech, started talking about how much he loved AI music, especially some kind of mash-up of two well-known bands. I appreciated the fact that he liked this music, but I have to confess that I could not have cared less.

The idea of AI music, especially music with lyrics, interests me not at all. This is essentially because I like people better than machines, but also because I don’t think AI, at least at this point, can come close to writing a song like “Jessamine.” I won’t get super political here. However, the idea that AI can replace, or even duplicate, “Jessamine,” “Return of the Grievous Angel” by Gram Parsons, or “Come in from the Cold” by Joni Mitchell, for example, just seems absurd to me.

Finn had to live for fifty years, listen to tens of thousands of songs, and write hundreds to get to “Jessamine.” At three minutes and twenty-five seconds, it is a mini-masterpiece. Its brevity is deceptive. The song carries the accumulated experience of a writer who knows how much to reveal, what to leave unsaid, and when to let a character disappear beyond the reach of the story.

That, to me, is the difference between a technically plausible song and a work of art that continues to live in the imagination. Jessamine is not memorable because we learn everything about her. She is memorable because we don’t.

Dedication:

For goth girls everywhere.

‘Cause it makes a big commotion

But eventually it clears

The next verse and chorus puts a pin in Jessamine’s story, and Finn employs his classic penchant for alliteration along the way. Maybe to get away from the scene, or perhaps for some other reason, C. moves out west, loses his shirt, metaphorically, and literally perhaps, and gets word of Jessamine’s demise.

I went out to San Francisco

And some sailor stole my shirt

I was sitting on the passenger side in a taxi

The first time that I heard

That she was probably speeding

And no one else was hurt

Jessamine must’ve had some dreams

But she never really said what they were

Yeah, she never really said what they were

I love the line here “and no one else was hurt.” It’s hard to fully explain why, but it’s oddly moving that Jessamine, on her way out, with all her attraction to blood and bones, didn’t take anyone with her. Finn doesn’t even really register what C.’s reaction is to Jessamine’s death is, he simply repeats the lines about dreams such that she dies as she lived, unknown to herself and unknowable to others.

Overall, Jessamine might seem like kind of a minor song. It’s short, and maybe doesn’t have the deep metaphorical richness as a song like A Bathtub in the Kitchen. Nonetheless, I love it. My sense is that a writer has to write for years and years before they can get to a song like Jessamine. Finn is a few years older than me, and has accumulated the wisdom and compassion to make a song like this look easy. It is not.

I wish her to say a brief word about AI, which may seem unrelated. The other night I met up with a few friends and some friends of friends were there as well. One of them, a slightly older gentleman who used to work in tech, started talking about how much he loved AI music, especially some kind of mash-up of two well-known bands. I appreciated that fact that he liked this “music,” but I have to confess that I could not have cared less. The idea of AI music, especially music with lyrics, interests me not at all. And this is, essentially, because I like people better than machines, but also because I don’t think AI, at least at this point, can come close to writing a song like Jessamine. I won’t get super political here, however the idea that AI can replace, or even duplicate a Jessamine, or Return of the Grievous Angel by Gram Parsons, or Come in from the Cold by Joni Mitchell, for example, just seems absurd to me. As implied above, Finn had to live 50 years, listen to tens of thousands of songs, and write hundreds to get to Jessamine. At 3 minutes and 25 seconds it is a mini-masterpiece.

Dedication:

For goth girls : If you enjoyed this piece you might also enjoy the pieces below, which also cover the singer-songwriter Craig Finn.

Live From Arlington Virginia It’s the Larry King Show!

Larry: Jim Bowden, your thoughts?

Jim: I was told Randy Moss kicked a 47-yard field goal.

Larry: That’s right.

Jim: I cover baseball.

Larry: We’ll be right back.

JIM BOWDEN: “Well, Larry, I know Cheever primarily as a five-tool suburban writer. Excellent with adultery, very good with alcohol, above-average swimming-pool work, strong commuter-rail presence. Never had much of a fastball.”

LARRY: “Was he with the Angels?”

BOWDEN: “Not to my knowledge.”

LARRY: “Could he play third?”

BOWDEN: “Everybody can play third until the ball gets hit to them.”

LARRY: “That’s why you’re here, Jim.”

BOWDEN: “Alcohol, Larry.”

LARRY: “That’ll do it.”

BOWDEN: “Also he was a writer.”

LARRY: “We’ll be right back.”

LARRY: “Next topic.”

BABA BOOEY: “Well, we should probably issue three corrections from the previous segment.”

LARRY: “I don’t care for corrections.”

BABA BOOEY: “That’s why we need them.”

LARRY: “Seventeen degrees. That’s pretty warm.”

BOWDEN: “Excellent launch angle.”

LARRY: “Could you hit a ball from Antigua to the equator?”

BOWDEN: “Not with today’s bats.”

LARRY: “No, I don’t read Infinite Jest. I read USA Today. They’ve got those little graphs. I know where I stand.”

LAWRENCE WELK: “A-one and a-two—”

LARRY: “Lawrence, shut the fuck up. You’re here to cover for me, not overthrow the program.”

DRYSDALE: “Can I go?”

LARRY: “You’re dead, Don. Where are you going?”

DRYSDALE: “Fair point.”

BABA BOOEY: “For the record, Larry, David Foster Wallace actually did write Consider the Lobster.”

LARRY: “I knew that.”

BABA BOOEY: “You said Consider the Cruise Ship.”

LARRY: “He considered that too.”

LARRY: “No, I don’t read Infinite Jest. I read USA Today. They’ve got those little graphs. I know where I stand.”

LAWRENCE WELK: “A-one and a-two—”

LARRY: “Lawrence, shut the fuck up. You’re here to cover for me, not overthrow the program.”

DRYSDALE: “Can I go?”

LARRY: “You’re dead, Don. Where are you going?”

DRYSDALE: “Fair point.”

BABA BOOEY: “For the record, Larry, David Foster Wallace actually did write Consider the Lobster.”

LARRY: “I knew that.”

BABA BOOEY: “You said Consider the Cruise Ship.”

LARRY: “He considered that too.”

And that, amazingly, is correct. The Wallace cruise-ship essay is “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.” So Larry has accidentally wandered within about six feet of the truth again.

But the Lawrence Welk sequence is magnificent because the fabrication acquires its own internal scholarly apparatus. Welk starts with bubbles, somehow graduates from the entirely fictitious Molasses Wars, 1788–1951, invents the red fire hydrant after being inspired by a Mormon traffic-light inventor, then obtains the color red from Jordan Peterson approximately seventy years in the future, which leads naturally to lobsters, which leads naturally to DFW, which leads naturally to:

“Do Your Best.”

That’s the killer. Infinite Jest → Do Your Best is exactly the kind of Larry King title correction that should exist.

LARRY: “Did you read Do Your Best, Lawrence?”

WELK: “No. Too long.”

LARRY: “How far’d you get?”

WELK: “Page eleven.”

LARRY: “What happened?”

WELK: “Don’t know. Lotta footnotes.”

DRYSDALE: “I read the Baseball Encyclopedia.”

LARRY: “All of it?”

DRYSDALE: “No. Looked myself up.”

LARRY: “Relief appearances?”

DRYSDALE: “That’s what we’re trying to establish.”

Meanwhile the one actual piece of recovered history from this broadcast is terrific: The Gemini Kid: The Collected Writings of an Open-Hearted Jellyfish. Not open-handed. Open-hearted. Much better title. And the damned thing is still sitting there on WordPress after all these years.

That archaeological dig may actually be worth doing sometime. Not tonight. Tonight Manny needs to get alone, and Lawrence Welk has apparently been entrusted with the network.

LARRY: “We’ll be back.”

WELK: “A-one and a—”

LARRY: “Don’t push it, Lawrence.”

END

Marci Gets Abducted by Aliens, and Mr. Johnson Freaks Out

Marci Gets Abducted by Aliens, and Mr. Johnson Freaks Out

I’ve got a two-pack habit and a motel tan.

—Steve Earle

There are aliens in our midst.

—Wussy

Scene One

One fine day, Marci was abducted by aliens.

That’s right! A mothership just popped down and scooped her up while she was mowing her lawn.

Marci lives in a nice suburban house outside Wilmington, Delaware, with her husband Fred and their two kids.

Next door lived Mr. Johnson and his wife Betty.

Mr. Johnson had recently fallen in love with Marci.

Obviously.

When Marci woke up, she was strapped to some kind of bed in a room with white walls and very bright lights.

Her head hurt.

A tall alien stood over her.

“Hey, Marci. Welcome to our mothership. I’m Bob. I’m the boss around here.”

“Okay, Bob. I want to go home,” said Marci.

“Yeah, pretty soon,” said Bob. “But first we need to run a few more tests.”

“Tests?” said Marci. “What kind of tests?”

“Oh, you know. Blood tests, nitrogen levels, respiration rate, that kind of stuff.”

“Oh, really? Come on, Bob, make it quick.”

“Yeah, maybe,” said Bob. “And then we also have to give you the environmental spiel.”

“The what?”

“Oh, the environmental spiel. You watch TV, right? You know aliens are always giving the environmental spiel. Like information on how the environment’s dying and it’s bad and everything.”

Marci looked up at him.

“Bob, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Yeah, Marci, sorry. It’s just something we have to do.”

“Why?”

“No reason really”said Bob.

“Huh?”

“Anyways, you’re an important test subject. We’ve got a lot of work to do together.”

“Whatever, Bob.”

Scene Two

Meanwhile, back on Earth, somebody had noticed that Marci was missing.

A random passerby had called the police.

Police Chief Dan Collins got the call. 

He called Mr. Johnson.

“Hey, Mr. Johnson. How are you doing today?”

“So so Chief Collins. What’s going on?”

“Call me Dan.”

“Sure thing, Dan. What’s going on?”

“Well, we don’t know yet,” said Chief Collins. “Looks like Marci was abducted by aliens.”

“Holy shit,” said Mr. Johnson. “Really?”

“That’s what we’re hearing.”

“Well shit.”

“Yeah. I’ll let you know when we know more.”

“I’m coming over,” said Mr. Johnson.

“Wilson, don’t…”

Mr. Johnson had already hung up.

He was increasingly freaking out.

Scene Three

Mr. Johnson got in his Buick and drove to the police station.

Chief Collins went out to meet him.

“Hey, Wilson. I told you there was no need to come over.”

“I know, Dan, but I had to come. You know I’m in love with Marci.”

“Yeah, yeah. I think everyone knows that by now there, Wilson.”

“Yeah, I thought so.”

CRASH!

“Hey, Wilson, what the heck was that?”

“I don’t know, Dan. Some kind of car crash.”

“Shit,” said Chief Collins. “Let’s go take a look.”

They walked around the side of the building.

A Jeep 4×4 had run into the side of the police station.

The wall was slightly dented, but looked OK. 

A somewhat older man with long hair tied back in a ponytail and a salt-and-pepper beard climbed out of the Jeep.

He winced and looked around.

“Are you alright?”asked Mr. Collins.

“I think so,” said the man. “I’m sorry about the building.”

“What happened?”

“I was driving home and, well, I guess I ran into your station.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“Maybe just a little.”

“How much?”

“One or two, I think.”

Chief Collins knew this was bullshit, but he let it slide.

“Hey, Dan,” said Mr. Johnson. “I could really use a drink myself.”

“Maybe later. We got to make sure this guy’s alright

“What do you do?” asked Chief Collins.

“Well I’m Steve Earle and I’m a songwriter. Yeah, I write songs and stuff.”

“Well, that’s cool, Steve. Are you, like, famous or something?”

“Yeah, yeah, I guess you could say I’m kind of famous. I mean, I do okay.”

“Well, fucking A, Steve Earle. That sounds pretty cool.”

Steve Earle nodded.

Then he looked up.

About two hundred feet above them, a huge silver mothership was hovering in the sky.

Mr. Johnson’s face went white.

“That’s where Marci is.”

Steve Earle looked up at the ship.

“Marci?”

Then he looked at Mr. Johnson.

“Oh yeah, I know Marci. I think I can get her down.”

SCENE THREE

Mr. Johnson blinked and registered the fact that Steve Earle apparently knew his girlfriend Marci.

Steve Earle lit a cigarette and offered one to the two men. “You boys wanna smoke?”

“Hell yeah Steve Earle” said Mr. Johnson. In addition to freaking out Mr. Johnson was also just a bit stressed. 

“Thanks there Steve Earle. I’ll have one after we get Marci back.” 

Chief Collins was, after all, a professional. 

“Suit yourself” said Steve Earle. 

He walked back to his Jeep, opened up the back, and pulled out a heavy-duty tow cable.

“What’s that for?” asked Chief Collins.

“Getting things unstuck.”

Steve looked up at the ship.

“I don’t know guys” he said. “It’s just sort of hanging there. Let’s see if this works.”

He looked down at the cable and back up at the ship.

“What’s the plan, Steve?” asked Mr. Johnson.

“I’m just making a little fishing line for that there spaceship.”

“You can’t lasso a spaceship Steve” said Chief Collins.

“Well, I guess we’re gonna find out,” said Steve Earle.

Steve hooked the cable to the winch on his Jeep.

Then he slung the cable into the air. Somehow the cable caught around the middle of the mothership.

Steve Earle yanked the winch.

The cable tightened and the mothership began to descend. Slowly at first, then faster.

“Holy shit!” said Chief Collins, as he watched.

Steve Earle kept working the winch.

The mothership came down into an empty field behind the police station with a tremendous metallic WHUMP.

The ship was somewhat  damaged and a door popped open.

Marci stumbled out. She looked around and saw Mr. Collins and Mr. Johnson. 

Then she saw Steve Earle standing beside his Jeep with one hand on the winch.

“Hey, Marci. What’s going on?” said Steve Earle.

“Well, I don’t know, Steve. It looks like I just got abducted by aliens.”

“Yeah figures,” said Steve Earle.

Mr. Johnson was increasingly freaking out.

“Hey, Marci, how do you know this Steve fella anyway?”

“Oh, you know, Wilson. I’m a big fan of Steve’s, and I won this contest thing to have lunch with him.”

“Yeah, Marci’s a real riot there Wilson,” said Steve Earle.

“Yeah, okay, Steve. But, like, Marci—I mean, did you guys sleep together or what?”

“No, no, silly,” said Marci. “We didn’t sleep together. Anyway, I’m married, as you know.”

Steve Earle and Mr. Collins exchanged knowing glances.

“But I’m in love with you,” said Mr. Johnson.

“Yeah, I know,” said Marci.

“Also, I saved you,” said Mr. Johnson.

“No, you didn’t. Steve Earle did. How did you save me actually Steve?” she asked. 

“Well, I guess I just kind of lassoed the spaceship,” said Steve Earle.

“Yeah, we saw that,” said Mr. Johnson. “But that was a pretty weird thing to do.”

“Yeah,” said Steve Earle.

“You just lassoed it with a rope?” said Mr. Johnson.

“Well, technically it was a tow cable.”

Mr. Johnson turned to Marci.

“You had lunch with this guy. You drank brandy with him. He put you in a limousine. And now he lassoed a fucking spaceship and saved you, or something?”

“Pretty much,” said Marci.

“Jesus Christ, Marci.”

Steve Earle reached into the passenger side of his 4×4 and pulled out a mostly full bottle of vodka.

“Here you go, Mr. Johnson. This is the good shit,” he said.

“Oh, hey, thanks,” said Mr. Johnson. “This will really hit the spot.”

Mr. Johnson took a big slug, and then another.

“Hey, you might want to slow down there, Wilson. You have to drive home, right?” said Chief Collins.

“Well, I was hoping Marci could drive me home,” said Mr. Johnson.

“Jesus, Wilson. I just got off this totally random ass spaceship and you’re not even going to drive me home? What’s going on?”

“Yeah, what are you smoking there, Wilson? Something good, I hope,” said Steve Earle.”

“Hey, Steve. I’m not really smoking anything right now. I’m just drinking your vodka. Thanks again.”

“Yeah, drink up.”

Mr. Johnson passed the bottle to Marci who took a big drink. 

“You are gonna drive me home after all aren’t you W?” said Marci.

“No, he’s not,” said Chief Collins. “I’ll call you an Uber.”

Chief Collins pulled out his police cell phone and called an Uber.

A few minutes later, the Uber arrived.

The driver’s name was Jack.

Jack looked at the damaged mothership.

Then he looked at the dented police station.

Then he looked at Steve Earle.

Then he looked at Marci, Mr. Johnson, and Chief Collins.

He decided not to ask any questions.

Marci and Mr. Johnson slipped into the back seat.

Before getting in, Marci leaned over and gave Wilson a quick kiss on the cheek.

Mr. Johnson blushed.

“Hey, Wilson, you were really freaking out back there for a bit,” said Marci.

“Yeah,” said Mr. Johnson. “I guess I was. I’m just happy to have you home, honey.”

“I’m happy to be home too,” said Marci.

They got into the Uber and drove off together.

Steve Earle watched the car disappear down the road.

Then he turned to Chief Collins.

“Hey, Chief. That was quite a day, wasn’t it?”

“Sure was,” said Chief Collins.

He looked at Steve Earle.

“Hey, Steve, what do you have going on there? Some kind of motel tan?”

“Yeah,” said Steve Earle. “Something like that.

FIN

Dedication: For Marci. Hope you got home safe there babes. And for Chief Collins, Mr. Johnson, Steve Earle, and some guy called. Jack. You’re a bunch of bozos, but you’re still ok in my book. Finally got my Middle School French teacher Monsieur Dreyer. You’re getting all outta control again there sir and you’re a bit of a weirdo, but you still rule baby.

Beavis and Butt-Head See J Mascis Smash His Guitar

Hello everyone. I hope you are all having a great start to Fall. 

I’ve taken a little break from publishing on the Kibitzer for various reasons nobody needs to know. Ha ha ha.

Today I’m happy to release a new piece called “Beavis and Butt-Head See J Mascis Smash His Guitar.”

This is my second installment in my ongoing Beavis and Butt-Head series. You can read the first one here Beavis and Butt-Head, Play Two.

I was 19 when Beavis and Butt-Head premiered on MTV in 1993. I wasn’t the biggest fan at the time, but I always appreciated their humor and thought they were hilarious. Which is an understatement.

Today, I still enjoy the Beavis and Butt-Head universe, so I thought I’d take a turn at writing a few episodes of my own. Writing Beavis and Butt-Head episodes is a lot of fun, however it’s also a little challenging in that you want to be a bit careful not to overdo the boys’ catchphrases.

“Shut the fuck up, Butt-Head.”

“Shut the fuck up, Beavis.”

“No, you shut the fuck up, Butt-Head. You’re a dumbass.”

“No, you’re the dumbass. And you’re a moron.”

“Oh, yeah I am a dumbass. I forgot.”

Well, something like that.

These redolent phrases are a big part of what makes Beavis and Butt-Head who they are. However, as someone relatively new to the Beavis and Butt-Head game, I have a tendency to overdo them. I’m trying to keep this tendency in check, while still giving the boys enough room to be the boys.

If you’ve read any of these episodes, please drop a note in the comments and let me know what you think. Am I getting the balance right, or am I leaning too heavily on the familiar catchphrases?

I hope you enjoy this one, and thank you as always for reading.

===== =====

One fine September evening, Beavis and Butt-Head went to Santa Cruz to see a J Mascis concert. They got there somehow.


The boys got in a little early, each grabbed a couple of beers, and found a spot somewhat near the front, in the center of the crowd.


“Hey, Butt-Head, look at that!”


“What?”


“This guy’s a fucking J Mascis guy. He’s, like, smashing his guitar or something.”


“What the fuck you talking about, Beavis?”


“Look, Butt-Head! He’s, like, smashing his fucking guitar and there’s sparks going all over the place.”


“Really?”


“Yeah, look!”


Butt-Head looks.


“Holy shit, Beavis, you’re right. It’s fucking going all over the place.”


The sparks fly higher. A small fire catches beneath the drum kit.


“Hey, Beavis, look at that fucking drummer. His hair’s on fire.”


“Oh shit, Butt-Head! His hair’s on fire!”


“Is he gonna die?”


“Yeah, Butt-Head. Dying rules. Die, die, die!”

The drummer looks behind him, notices the fire, and kicks at a burning cable. A roadie rushes onto the stage with a fire extinguisher.


“Whoa, check it out, Beavis. He’s, like, putting out the fire or something.”


“Yeah, Butt-Head. What a dumbass.”


“Hey, Beavis, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and smoke a cigarette.”


“Okay, Butt-Head. Yeah, watch out.”


Butt-Head makes his way toward the bathroom.


Inside, he enters a stall and lights a cigarette. A pair of shoes appears beneath the partition.


“Hey, what are you doing in there? You smoking?”


“No. Shut up.”


Butt-Head takes a drag.


Fucking dumbass.


The man leaves.


Butt-Head finishes his cigarette and walks back into the hall.


J Mascis and the band prepare for the encore. The first few notes of “Electric Days” are played.


“Hey, Beavis! This is that song, ‘See You at the Movies,’ right?”


“Uh, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I don’t know. Yeah. Uh…”


“Shut up, Beavis. It is. It’s ‘See You at the Movies.'”


“Yeah, whatever.”


The band continues to play “Electric Days.” Beavis looks up and starts paying attention

.
“Hey, Butt-Head.”


“What?”


“I think he’s saying, like, ‘Electric Days’ or something.”


“Yeah, dude. That’s part of the song.”


“Yeah, Butt-Head, I don’t think so.”


“Hey, Beavis.”


“Yeah, Butt-Head?”


“What if he’s singing, like, singing about the movies and the days are electric?”
“What?”


“You know, like, the days are electric and the movies are something.”


“Yep. That’s what I just said.”


“Yeah, whatever.”


The song builds. J Mascis leans into the guitar, his hair hanging over his face. The crowd moves closer to the stage.


“Hey, Beavis.”


“Yeah, Butt-Head?”


“Smash it, smash it.”


“Yeah, Beavis. He’s gonna smash it.


J Mascis finishes the song without smashing his guitar. The crowd cheers.


“Hey, Beavis, that guy was pretty cool.”
“Yeah, Butt-Head.”


“Think he smashes all his guitars?”


“Yeah, Butt-Head. He smashes his guitars.”


“Cool.”


“Yeah.”


“Hey, Butt-Head.”


“What?”


“Do you think he gets paid for that?”


“Shut up, Beavis.”


The boys finish their beers outside the ballroom.


“Hey, Butt-Head.”


“What?”


“I’m gonna go back in and get this guy J Mascis’s autograph.”


“Why?”


“Because he rules. I want, like, a fucking autograph or something.”


“Beavis, that’s stupid. What’s he gonna autograph? Like, your ass?”


“No, dumbass. I’ll get the poster, too.”


“Okay, fine, Beavis. Whatever. But with what money?”


“I got money.”


“Where’d you get money?”


“Shut up, I got money. Whoa, check it out. Four dollars.”


The boys walk back into the ballroom.
Inside, a line has formed near the stage. A folding table has been set up, with posters and a few records laid out on it.


“What the fuck is all this line about?” Move, people, move, move.”


“Shut up, Beavis. Get in line.”


The boys stand at the back of the line.


“Hey, Butt-Head. This is taking too long.”


“Shut up.”


“Hey, Butt-Head, what if he leaves?”


“Then you don’t get your stupid autograph.”


The line moves forward.


Eventually, Beavis reaches the table. J Mascis is sitting behind it, smiling politely.


“Hey, J.”


“Hey.”


“You’re fucking cool, J.”


“Thanks, man.”


“Can I get your autograph?”


“Sure.”


Beavis places four dollars on the table.


“Can I get a poster, too?”


“Yeah, they’re four bucks.”


J hands him a poster. Beavis looks at it.
“Whoa. This is fucking cool.”


J signs the poster and hands it back.


“Thanks, J.”


Beavis steps away from the table.


“Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.”


“Yeah, I saw that, dumbass.”


“I got this guy’s autograph.”


“So what?”


“I’m gonna be famous.”


“No, dumbass. J Mascis is famous. You’re not.”
“Oh yeah. I forgot.”


“Shut up, Beavis.”


“Yeah, but I got it.”

THE END

On the Tragic Death of Mia Zapata

Epigraphs:

Hey hey, my my
Rock and roll can never die

—Neil Young

Here’s to Your Fuck

—The Gits

I love Mia Zapata.

Mia Zapata was the front woman of the Gits. The Gits were formed in 1986 at Antioch College in Yellow Springs, Ohio, where Zapata met guitarist Andy Kessler, bassist Matt Dresdner, and drummer Steve Moriarty. Their first shows took place on and around the Antioch campus. In 1989, the four of them moved west and settled in Seattle, landing in a shared house on Capitol Hill and quickly becoming part of the city’s developing punk scene.

The distinction between punk and grunge matters, to some extent anyway. The Gits were present for the rise of grunge and were frequently folded into the story of Seattle music, but they did not sound much like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, or Soundgarden. They were faster, tighter, and more directly indebted to punk, blues, soul, and hardcore. Seattle claimed them because they were there, because they played with the right bands in the right rooms, and because they were plainly excellent. But they did not sound manufactured by Seattle. They brought their own aesthetic with them from Ohio.

The band released three early singles before its first full-length album, Frenching the Bully, appeared on C/Z Records in 1992. The record includes “Another Shot of Whiskey,” “Second Skin,” “It All Dies Anyway,” and “Here’s to Your Fuck.” It is not a slick album. It sounds a little muddy. The guitars press together, the drums arrive hard, and Zapata’s voice sometimes sounds as though it is being forced through a wall of noise. I don’t consider this a problem at all. In fact the opposite. It is part of the record’s appeal. Had the Gits continued, they might have worked with a larger recording budget and a producer who could have separated the instruments slightly without cleaning the life out of them. They might have refined the sound. The substance was already there.

“Here’s to Your Fuck” kicks ass. The Gits kick ass. Mia Zapata kicks serious ass. She just does.

There is no way of knowing how big the Gits could have become. This is the maddening thing about interrupted careers: their possible futures expand forever because reality never arrives to limit them. The band might have remained a beloved regional act. They might have become a nationally respected punk band with a loyal audience and a long sequence of increasingly strong records. They may have become global superstars. Any of these outcomes is plausible. What is clear is that the Gits were moving. They had built a reputation through years of rehearsing, touring, and playing small rooms. They were preparing for a nation wide tour. Tim Sommer, then working in A&R for Atlantic Records, had received permission to sign them and told the band he wanted them. According to Sommer, they accepted his offer in June 1993. Less than four weeks later, Mia was dead.

Seattle Before the Fall

Mia’s death belongs to the history of Seattle music, although the Gits should not be reduced to a chapter in somebody else’s grunge story. The early 1990s were an extraordinary period for the city. An underground community that had spent years developing beyond the attention of the national music industry suddenly became the center of it. The world arrived with money, cameras, contracts, magazine covers, and a need to package a complicated musical culture under one convenient name.

Nirvana became the emblem of that transformation. I was in high school when “Smells Like Teen Spirit” hit the airwaves and I was not initially the band’s biggest fan. The song did not particularly appeal to me. Part of my resistance was probably the ordinary resistance one feels when told that a cultural event is mandatory. I did not know much of Nirvana’s catalog, and I was in no hurry to learn.

A few years later I heard MTV Unplugged in New York and became a fan. This performance was recorded in November 1993 and broadcast that December. The album appeared in November 1994, seven months after Kurt Cobain’s death. It remains by far my favorite Nirvana album. The set contains Nirvana songs such as “About a Girl,” “Come as You Are,” “Pennyroyal Tea,” “Dumb,” and “All Apologies,” alongside extraordinary covers: the Vaselines’ “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam,” David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold the World,” three songs by the Meat Puppets, and the dynamite closer “Where Did You Sleep Last Night,” performed through Lead Belly’s arrangement. I also like Fecal Matter, Cobain’s pre-Nirvana project, but that is a different matter.

Cobain died on April 5, 1994, apparently from a self-inflicted shotgun wound. His body was found three days later. His death came nine months after Mia’s murder. Their deaths were radically different, and I do not mean to suggest otherwise. One was ruled a suicide; the other was a rape and murder committed by a stranger. Yet the proximity of the two deaths cast a terrible shadow over a scene that had only recently become, at least from the outside, the center of the musical world.

Pearl Jam and Soundgarden were two of the other major bands to emerge from the same period. “Jeremy” was Pearl Jam’s breakthrough signature song, although their cover of “Last Kiss” later became their highest-charting American single. Like “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” “Jeremy” did not do much for me, and I did not particularly care for Pearl Jam at first. A few years later, however, I heard “Better Man” on Vitalogy and fell in love with it. “Better Man” remains my favorite Pearl Jam song.

Soundgarden belonged to the heavier side of the Seattle sound. I was never really a fan, but Chris Cornell possessed one of the defining rock voices of his generation. Cornell died by suicide in 2017, adding another tragic death to the history surrounding Seattle music. One could extend this list through Andrew Wood, Stefanie Sargent, Layne Staley, and others until the history of the scene begins to look like a memorial wall. That is not the essay I wish to write here. The names establish the context; Mia remains my subject.

The Voice

The danger in writing about a murdered artist is that the murder acquires a terrible gravitational force. It pulls every detail toward itself. Songs become premonitions. Photographs become “last photographs.” Ordinary remarks become clues. A person’s life is rearranged into an approach toward death, as though the ending had always been waiting inside the beginning.

Mia Zapata deserves better than that. She matters because of her life and her music, not because of the notoriety of the crime committed against her. Her murder explains why the Gits stopped. It does not explain why anyone should listen.

Listen first to her voice. Zapata did not sound like the decorative singer attached to a loud band, and she did not sound like someone adopting punk anger as a costume. Her voice carried blues damage, gospel command, punk abrasion, and a strange emotional precision. It could scrape and shout, but it could also bend around a phrase. She sounded older than twenty-seven—experienced, weathered, as though several inherited traditions were moving through her fiercely animated body.

Tim Sommer has described her as a blues shouter placed at the front of a punk band, falling somewhere between figures as different as Janis Joplin, Nina Simone, Johnny Rotten, Sam Cooke, and Iggy Pop. The comparisons may sound excessive until one listens. Zapata had Joplin’s rasp without imitating Joplin. She had the directness of punk but not its more narrow emotional range. There is vulnerability alongside aggression as well as something tender beneath it all. Mia rules.

“Another Shot of Whiskey” makes The Gits fusion of sound immediately audible. The title suggests just another drinking song, but Zapata sings with the authority of someone testifying from inside the wreckage rather than celebrating it from a distance. The band moves beneath her with economical force. Nothing hangs around waiting to be admired. The performance arrives, makes its case, and leaves.

“Second Skin” is one of the Gits’ most durable songs because it compresses their qualities so efficiently. The rhythm section drives; the guitar cuts; Zapata sounds simultaneously defiant and exposed. The title itself offers a useful description of what the band gives her. The music is not merely accompaniment. It becomes another skin around the voice—hard enough to protect it, flexible enough to move with it.

Then there is “Here’s to Your Fuck,” a song whose title performs its own critical introduction. It is short, furious, rude, funny, and exact. It does not seek permission to exist. Zapata does not soften the emotion into tasteful disappointment. She gives betrayal the language it deserves. The song is not the whole of the Gits, but it is an excellent doorway into them because it contains their refusal to behave prettily for an audience.

The rest of the band deserves emphasis. Kessler, Dresdner, and Moriarty did not simply stand behind a singular singer. They built the pressure that allowed her singularity to register. The Gits could be ferocious, but their playing was disciplined. The songs possess more structure than their surface violence initially suggests. Zapata’s voice could appear to be tearing free of the band because the band was strong enough to give her something worth tearing free from.

This is where my mild complaint about the recorded sound becomes almost complimentary. The early recordings can be muddy. The parts sometimes collide. Yet that collision catches something important about the Gits: they sound like four people occupying the same dangerous physical space. A more expensive producer might have clarified the instruments, widened the field, and helped the hooks announce themselves. A bad producer might also have destroyed them by polishing away the friction. The artistic problem would have been not how to make them respectable, but how to make their existing power more audible without domesticating it.

Zapata was also a visual artist, and her paintings reinforce the impression made by her performances. The figures are tense, wounded, unstable, and alive. They look caught in the middle of becoming something or escaping something. Her art and music seem to emerge from the same nervous system. Both reject the separation between beauty and damage. Both insist that pain may be shaped without being prettified.

The official biography on the Gits’ website makes an important refusal: it does not want the ending to dwarf the beginning and middle. That is exactly right. Tragedy did not make Mia Zapata a great singer. Tragedy merely prevented more people from discovering that she already was one.

The Twenty-Seven Club

Mia Zapata was twenty-seven when she died. This places her within the famous 27 Club, the cultural category reserved for musicians who died at that age. Its best-known members include Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse and Robert Johnson. The list feels somewhat uncanny because several immense talents appear on it and because the number is young enough to make every death feel like an interruption.

There is no persuasive evidence of an actual curse. A 2011 study published in The BMJ examined the mortality of famous musicians and found no special spike at twenty-seven; the observed risk was similar at twenty-five and thirty-two. Musicians do face an elevated risk of early death generally, but twenty-seven possessed no unique statistical power. The club is a story created after the fact, a human attempt to impose a visible shape upon unrelated losses.

The story nevertheless affects cultural memory. Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison, Cobain, and Winehouse were already major stars before they died. Their catalogs continue to circulate through radio, film, books, reissues, tribute albums, posters, shirts, and the machinery of inherited fame. Death froze them at twenty-seven, but it did not erase their public identities. In some cases it enlarged them.

Mia’s position is different. She reached the same age without receiving the opportunity to establish herself in mass culture. She died at the threshold of greatness. The Gits had made one full-length album and spent years earning local and underground respect, however outside of Seattle they were still little known. She belongs to the 27 Club biologically, but not mythologically. The myth remembers stars who died young. Mia was a star whom most of the world did not yet recognize.

That difference makes her death particularly heartbreaking to me. I admire many artists who died young: Hendrix, Joplin, Winehouse, Tim and Jeff Buckley, Justin Townes Earle, David Berman, Vic Chesnutt, Mark Linkous, and many others. Every early death leaves songs unwritten and unrealized potential behind. Yet we possess enough work from some of these artists to appreciate the shape of their achievement. With Mia, we have the evidence, but not the completed argument. We can hear the beginning of a great career. We cannot hear what it would have become.

A Stolen Future

It is particularly tragic when a young artist of any gender or type loses their life. Talent does not make one life more valuable than another. Fame is not a moral measurement. The death of an unknown twenty-seven-year-old is not less terrible than the death of a singer. Art matters here because it allows us to perceive the stolen future in unusually concrete form. We can hear what Mia had already learned to do. We do not know how much further she could have gone.

I believe Mia Zapata and the Gits would have had a long and illustrious career if Mia had survived. This cannot be proven. Bands break up. Record labels lose interest. Musicians quarrel, burn out, change direction, become parents, take ordinary jobs, or simply decide that life on the road is no longer worth the scratch. The imagined future should not become another sentimental fiction.

Still, the evidence points toward possibility rather than burn out. The Gits had already survived the unglamorous years that destroy many bands: the small shows, shared houses, vans, little money, independent releases, and a long apprenticeship. Their live reputation was strong. A national tour was coming. Atlantic Records had authorized an offer. They had songs, a sound, and a front woman whom people remembered after seeing once. They had done the difficult work required to become lucky.

What might have followed? Perhaps a sharper second or third album. Perhaps a record on which Zapata’s blues and soul inheritance came further forward. Perhaps an acoustic turn, a solo record, a collaboration, or a late-career return after a breakup. Perhaps the Gits would have remained loud and gloriously impolite for thirty years. Zapata might have become a writer, painter, producer, mentor, mother, recluse, public figure, or some combination no speculative list can capture.

These possibilities are not evidence that she would have become famous. They are evidence that she was alive. A human future is not a straight line toward professional success. It is a proliferating field of choices, accidents, relationships, mistakes, recoveries, and second acts. Her killer stole all of them. Fuck him.

I find her death entirely pointless and totally stupid.

The Long Wait for Justice

During the early morning of July 7, 1993, Zapata left the Comet Tavern on Seattle’s Capitol Hill. She visited the basement rehearsal space in a nearby building and briefly saw a friend. Sometime after two in the morning, while moving through the city alone, she encountered a man she did not know. She was raped, beaten, and strangled. Her body was found a little more than an hour after she had left the bar.

The crime was brutal, and detailing every injury does not deepen our understanding. It merely forces Mia’s body to undergo the attack again for an audience. The essential facts are that she was going about her life, a stranger attacked her and killed her for no reason.

The murder initially appeared all but impossible to solve. Investigators naturally examined the people in Zapata’s life, in part because many murders are committed by someone known to the victim. Friends were questioned. Rumors developed. The Seattle music community raised money for a private investigator, Leigh Hearon, while benefit concerts and donations supported the effort. Years passed without an arrest. The case appeared on national crime programs, but publicity did not produce an answer.

The absence of an obvious connection was the central problem. The killer was not a former partner, band associate, fan, or person carrying a visible grievance against Mia. The attack was random. There was no narrative pathway leading from her relationships to the man who killed her. For nearly a decade, the lack of connection protected him.

DNA technology finally supplied the connection that ordinary investigation could not. Biological evidence from the crime scene had been preserved. In 2002, investigators developed a usable profile, and the eventual database match pointed to Jesús Mezquía, who was then living in Florida and whose DNA had entered the system following an unrelated arrest. Seattle detectives arrested him in January 2003.

A jury convicted Mezquía of first-degree felony murder in March 2004. His conviction survived appeal, although litigation over the sentence continued, and he ultimately received approximately thirty-seven years in prison. He died in custody in 2021.

Justice is the word normally placed at the end of such a chronology, but it feels somehow inadequate here. The conviction established legal responsibility and ended the uncertainty surrounding the killer’s identity. It mattered. It mattered to Mia’s family, friends, bandmates, and community. It mattered that justice was done. But a verdict cannot turn back time. It cannot give the Gits a new record. It cannot return a daughter, sister, friend, or the woman who walked out of the Comet Tavern expecting to walk home safely.

It went another way.

What Remains

The people who loved Mia did not wait for the case to be solved before building something from their grief. Women within Seattle’s music and arts community began meeting after the murder to discuss violence, fear, and the inadequacy of conventional self-defense advice. Many available courses were expensive or structured around telling women to restrict their lives: do not walk at night, do not work late, do not go alone, do not inhabit the city freely. For musicians, artists, bartenders, and service workers, such advice was both impractical and somewhat insulting.

From those conversations came Home Alive, a collective that offered free or sliding-scale self-defense education. Its approach extended beyond physical techniques to boundaries, verbal resistance, de-escalation, and the social conditions surrounding violence. The organization sponsored classes and benefit concerts, produced educational materials, and released compilations featuring artists from the Seattle community. Its formal structure changed over time, but its curriculum and influence survived. Home Alive did not compensate for Mia’s death. Nothing could. It represented a refusal to let fear have the final organizational word.

The Gits’ musical afterlife expanded as well. They released Enter: The Conquering Chicken in 1994, followed by archival collections. Joan Jett performed with the surviving members under the name Evil Stig—“Gits Live” reversed—and helped raise money for the investigation. The band 7 Year Bitch released ¡Viva Zapata! in Mia’s memory. Kerri O’Kane’s documentary The Gits eventually carried the band’s story to audiences who had never entered one of those Seattle rooms.

In 2024, Sub Pop announced that it had become the new home of the Gits’ catalog and reissued remastered versions of the band’s albums. This matters because cultural memory depends partly upon access. An artist can disappear without anyone intentionally suppressing them. Records go out of print. Small labels close. Websites rot. Search results fill with accounts of a crime until the music becomes difficult to locate beneath the murder. Making the catalog readily available gives new listeners the chance to meet Mia as a singer before meeting her as a victim.

The Gits remain moderately well known today, especially among listeners of punk and Seattle music. They are not forgotten. Yet time has inevitably eroded much of their cultural presence. Their name does not circulate as automatically as Nirvana, Pearl Jam, or Soundgarden. For many people who encounter Mia at all, the first sentence is still about her murder.

That order can be changed. Listen first. Begin with Frenching the Bully. Play “Another Shot of Whiskey,” “Second Skin,” and “Here’s to Your Fuck.” Watch the surviving live footage and see how completely she inhabited the songs. Then learn what happened if you must. The death is part of the history. It is not the source of the talent.

Coda: Just Listen

As mentioned above, the death of a young artist is particularly heartbreaking. It terminates not only a life but a changing relationship between the artist and the work. We lose the possibility of mature records, the failures, the comebacks, the ups and downs, the strange experiments, and the possibility that the artist might someday have rejected everything that first made them famous.

I do believe that Mia Zapata and the Gits would have had a long and illustrious career if Mia had survived. Perhaps I am wrong. There is no way to test the proposition. But uncertainty does not make the loss smaller. It enlarges it. Every version of the future was taken at once.

There is no lesson to be taken from her murder. It did not happen so that a community could create Home Alive. It did not happen so that a murder could eventually be solved through DNA. It did not happen so that later listeners could discover a brilliant singer and experience the pleasurable sadness of imagining what might have been. Those were human responses to an atrocity, not justifications for it.

The Gits are still part of the culture. Their records remain. Their surviving members, friends, listeners, documentary, reissues, and the work created in Mia’s memory continue to carry them forward. But cultural memory is not self-sustaining. Time erodes names unevenly, and the artists who die before the publicity machine has fully claimed them are especially vulnerable. I find this sad, although inevitable.

As for me, I will continue to listen to the Gits and keep the flame alive. Mia Zapata did not live long enough to become the star she might have become. She should not have needed to die in order for us to hear her.

I love Mia Zapata. Listen to the Gits, and you may understand why.

Dedication:

For Mia my baby. I love you and miss you. Rest well, sweetheart.

Selected Sources

The Gits, “About the Gits,” official band website.

Sub Pop, “Sub Pop Is the Proud New Home of the Gits,” November 13, 2024.

State v. Mezquia, Washington Court of Appeals, 2005.

Home Alive, “History.”

Michael Wolkewitz et al., “Is 27 Really a Dangerous Age for Famous Musicians? A Retrospective Cohort Study,” The BMJ, 2011.

Seattle Post-Intelligencer, “Mia Zapata’s Killer Again Gets 37 Years,” January 29, 2009.

—    —

On The Death of the Second Life

Subtitle: Why Nobody Can Disappear Anymore

There’s a one in a billion chance we’re in base reality.

—Elon Musk

You’re a quick study, aren’t you?

—Freddie Miles, The Talented Mr. Ripley

I fought the law and the law won.

—Sonny Curtis

On Disappearing

It used to be possible to disappear. Not easy, exactly, and rarely clean. You needed nerve, mobility, a little money, a plausible story, perhaps a talent for accents, and the good sense not to return to the same bar every Thursday. You needed to understand that most identity was local. A man was the person his neighbors recognized, his employer paid, his landlord tolerated and the woman across the street remembered seeing come home. If he crossed an ocean, a mountain range or sometimes merely a state line, he passed through an interval in which nobody knew him well enough to contradict him. That interval was the birthplace of the second life.

The interval has nearly closed. A person may still abandon a marriage, occupation, city or circle of friends. He may stop answering the telephone and go silent on social media. The difficulty begins when he wants an apartment, salary, bank account, prescription, airline ticket or hotel room. The machinery that enables ordinary existence is now the machinery that identifies us. Every convenience asks the same question in a different form: are you still the person you were yesterday? The modern fugitive may escape a room, but eventually he needs an ATM.

This is not merely a criminal fantasy for me. Years ago I invented the Thin Man, the central figure in The Thin Man and Andrea, as an alter ego and doppelgänger. He is Niko, although the first book withholds even that. He carries an ambiguous face and an American-seeming education acquired elsewhere. He moves through the world of corporate espionage, which is partly a MacGuffin and partly an excuse to put him aboard a cruise ship, in hotel bars, and within striking distance of Andrea, Jessica, Maya, Desiree and women who sense that his absence of a past is also a kind of invitation. The submarine in the earliest version became a cruise ship because a cruise ship can plausibly contain a temporary world: flags, ports, false intimacies, a cabin to abandon and another country waiting in the morning.

The Thin Man was never fundamentally an alien or a figure composed of negative space, although traces of those early ideas remain. The governing fantasy was simpler. He was me without social, professional or familial responsibility. He could love somebody without joining her calendar. He could enter a city without owing the city an explanation. The plot offered him passports, handlers and invented business, but his real superpower was exemption. He lived without the claims that make an ordinary person locatable.

I now possess fewer of those claims than I once did. My professional responsibilities have diminished. My marriage has ended. My son is grown. In some respects I am living the Thin Man dream, although with less espionage and considerably more concern about hotel credits. The discovery is predictable but still worth making: relief from responsibility does not make a man somebody else. It simply leaves him alone with a clearer version of the same man.

Daniel Defoe understood the mechanical version of the fantasy three centuries ago. When I was fifteen, several friends and I discussed burning or drowning Moll Flanders. We meant the physical book, naturally, not Moll herself. The novel seemed interminable. Moll acquired another name, husband, lover, crime, punishment, jurisdiction and source of money; then the process began again. At fifteen this felt less like structure than clerical error. At fifty-two I can see that the repetition is the structure. “Moll Flanders” announces that the name is not her own. Her identity consists of whatever biography can survive the next room.

Moll is born in Newgate Prison, passes through households and marriages, becomes a thief, evades execution through transportation, returns to Virginia and eventually obtains prosperity and something resembling repentance. She can repeatedly become another woman because identity in her world is portable. It is held in clothing, speech, manners, money and the testimony of the few people nearby. A past can be defeated by distance.

John McAfee tried to perform the same operation in a world that already made it ridiculous. Wanted for questioning in Belize after the 2012 murder of his neighbor Gregory Faull, McAfee hid, fled and simultaneously turned his flight into a media production. He claimed that he buried himself in sand for hours with a cardboard box over his head. He dyed his hair repeatedly and stuffed chewing gum beneath his upper lip as a disguise. The founder of an antivirus company attempted to defeat recognition by making his mouth slightly lumpier.

McAfee possessed money, technical knowledge, mobility, paranoia and an almost supernatural resistance to embarrassment. He nevertheless contacted journalists, issued updates and supplied the public with a running commentary on his disappearance. A photograph posted by the Vice reporters accompanying him contained location metadata pointing toward Guatemala. McAfee wanted to vanish and receive credit for vanishing. That contradiction will return. For now it is enough to say that Moll Flanders could escape because nobody in Virginia had read the London file. McAfee carried the file with him, broadcasting all the way.

The Portable Self

The literature of disappearance flourished before the administrative state completed its map. Luigi Pirandello’s The Late Mattia Pascal, published in 1904, supplies the cleanest philosophical version. Mattia, trapped in an unhappy life, discovers that a corpse has been mistaken for his own. The world has accidentally released him. He takes another name and attempts to enjoy the freedom of a man officially dead.

But a man without a past possesses no enforceable future. Mattia’s second identity cannot securely marry, own, complain to the police or participate in the institutions through which personality becomes social fact. He has escaped the first life without acquiring the legal substance required for a second. Pirandello arrives at the modern paradox before biometrics: identity is a burden until one needs its protection.

Jean Valjean and Edmond Dantès offer opposing French solutions. Valjean becomes Monsieur Madeleine through moral action. He builds an industry, employs a town, practices generosity and becomes mayor. He changes so completely that the humane judgment is to regard him as a different man. Javert refuses. For Javert, the file is the man, and goodness performed under an alias is merely a fugitive’s more sophisticated disguise. Les Misérables places grace in conflict with administrative continuity.

Dantès, in The Count of Monte Cristo, builds identity through theater and money. Wealth buys clothes, servants, property, introductions, silence and the assumption of prior importance. Nobody asks the Count for a childhood photograph because aristocratic confidence authenticates itself. Dantès does not erase his first life so much as return with a second one powerful enough to prosecute it.

James Gatz performs the American variation. He becomes Jay Gatsby not primarily to evade the law but to escape poverty, embarrassment and the intolerable smallness of his assigned place. Gatsby manufactures manner, history and spectacle. His tragedy is not that the new identity convinces nobody. It convinces almost everybody. Daisy remains dangerous because she knew him before the costume was complete. The person who remembers the original name possesses veto power over the second life.

These stories depend upon a portable self: an identity capable of crossing a boundary and being accepted on the strength of performance. Sometimes the transformation is moral, sometimes theatrical and sometimes criminal. Each assumes that a society contains blank spaces. The traveler enters one and begins supplying information before contradictory information arrives.

You’re a Quick Study, Aren’t You?

Tom Ripley is the great student of the portable self. In Patricia Highsmith’s novel and Anthony Minghella’s 1999 film, Tom begins as a watcher. He studies wealth before he attempts to inhabit it. He studies jazz, handwriting, clothes, gestures, voices and the particular freedom enjoyed by people whose money causes strangers to complete their stories for them. Dickie Greenleaf possesses everything Tom lacks: beauty, ease, inheritance and the right to become bored with other people.

Tom’s desire is not reducible to robbery. He wants proximity to Dickie, then recognition from Dickie, then the life of Dickie. When those desires become incompatible, murder provides the transition. Tom can imitate Dickie because he has watched with the concentration of the excluded. The peeping is apprenticeship.

Freddie Miles recognizes the dangerous speed of Tom’s education. Visiting Dickie’s Roman apartment, he notices that Tom suddenly understands the geography, furnishings and habits of a life in which he supposedly remains a guest. “You’re a quick study, aren’t you?” Freddie asks. It is a brilliant accusation because it identifies the one part of imitation that cannot be disguised: the curve of improvement. Yesterday Tom did not know where anything was. Today he gives directions.

Seconds later, Tom kills him with the stone head of Hadrian. A Roman emperor becomes the instrument by which the social climber removes a witness. The joke is almost too exact. Freddie does not possess fingerprints or facial-recognition software. He possesses memory, class instinct and contempt. He knows what Tom looked like before Tom learned the role.

Tom’s impersonation is fraudulent, but it is also emotionally sincere. Being Dickie feels more authentic to him than remaining Tom. That is why Ripley endures beyond the machinery of the thriller. He embodies the suspicion that our socially verified identity may be less true than the person we could convincingly perform if nobody interrupted us. He also demonstrates the price. Each new witness becomes a threat because the second life demands the permanent editing of the first.

The criminal achievement eventually becomes less impressive than the psychological imprisonment. Tom escapes particular investigations, but he cannot stop monitoring the room. He must hear every hesitation in his adopted name and see every glance toward the piano, ring or signature. A successful second life is not freedom. It is a part one can never stop playing.

Dick Whitman and Don Draper

Dick Whitman performs the most durable modern transformation in American television. During the Korean War, an explosion kills Lieutenant Donald Draper beside him. Dick exchanges identification tags with the dead officer, survives under Draper’s name and returns to the United States inside a clerical conclusion. War supplies the confusion, body and paperwork. The dead man exits; the living man acquires his place.

Unlike Ripley, Don does not live permanently at the edge of exposure. The new identity accumulates institutional weight. Don works, pays taxes, marries, buys property, fathers children and builds a career. Time itself begins authenticating him. After enough years, the invented man possesses more documentary substance than the abandoned one.

Advertising is the ideal profession because Don’s labor reproduces his own transformation. He takes an ordinary product, suppresses its manufacturing history and gives it a story people prefer. He does the same with himself. The handsome executive, suburban husband and creative genius are not wholly false. They are real accomplishments attached to stolen paperwork.

Yet Mad Men understands that the administrative victory cannot settle the psychological case. Dick is not chiefly afraid that a camera will recognize him. He is afraid that intimacy will. Every person who approaches Don closely eventually reaches the locked room containing Dick Whitman: his poverty, family, desertion, shame and the knowledge that another man’s death financed his ascent.

The Thin Man fantasy and the Don Draper fantasy meet here. Remove the obligations, choose the wardrobe, enter the next room with a name nobody questions. What remains is the person who performed the removal. The Eagles’ old line is unavoidable: “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.” One may leave a home, spouse, profession and nation. The ghosts keep the original booking.

The Missing and the Dead

Ambrose Bierce entered Mexico in 1913 and disappeared. That is nearly everything we know about this paritcular case. He may have joined Pancho Villa’s forces, reached Chihuahua and died quickly. He may have been executed, killed himself, succumbed to illness or continued traveling. The absence of evidence has generated a century of endings because disappearance makes authors of the people left behind.

Bierce had already written one of literature’s cruelest imaginary escapes. In “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge,” Peyton Farquhar falls from a bridge with a rope around his neck, escapes into the water, runs home and approaches his wife—only for the narrative to reveal that the journey occurred inside the final instant before his broken body swings beneath the bridge. The mind creates a second life because the body has no exit. Bierce’s own disappearance feels uncannily like an extension of the story, although we should resist converting formal elegance into evidence. He probably did not begin again. He probably died where the map became uncertain.

John List demonstrates how recently a complete second life remained possible. After murdering his wife, mother and three children in New Jersey in 1971, he traveled west and became Robert Peter Clark. He found accounting work, joined a Lutheran church, remarried and lived within ordinary society for nearly eighteen years. List was not sleeping in a cave. He was commuting, filing returns and participating in carpools. The jurisdictions containing John List and Robert Clark did not effectively speak to one another.

Television finally forced the conversation. America’s Most Wantedaired the case in 1989 using an age-progressed sculpture whose resemblance to List was extraordinary. A former neighbor recognized him. Fingerprints from his military records completed the identification. List stands at the border between eras: he constructed the second life through disconnected paper systems and lost it when mass media connected a face to the buried name.

John Darwin attempted the comic British variation in 2002. He paddled into the North Sea, staged his death and allowed his wife to collect insurance and pension payments while he secretly lived nearby. The plan expanded toward Panama. It collapsed when an online photograph showed the supposedly dead man beside his wife. A basic image search linked John, Anne and Panama. The second life had appeared on the first page of the internet.

Robert Hoagland achieved something quieter. He vanished from Connecticut in 2013 and lived in New York as Richard King until his death in 2022. The new life appears to have been modest rather than operatic. That may be the surviving modern model: abandon grandeur, remain geographically ordinary, ask institutions for as little as possible and hope nobody searches the correct connection. His identity was established after death.

Ryan Borgwardt showed in 2024 how poorly the romantic disappearance now survives contact with the contemporary record. He staged a kayaking death in Wisconsin and left the country. Investigators found evidence of preparation, travel and financial activity, contacted him abroad and persuaded him to return. In 2025 a judge sentenced him to eighty-nine days in jail, matching the period during which he had actively misled authorities, and ordered restitution toward the costly search. The symmetry of the sentence was better than the plan.

These cases are morally different. Bierce may simply have died. Hoagland appears to have abandoned a family without committing the crimes of List or Darwin. List was a murderer. The point is not to place them in one ethical category. It is to watch the available space contract. List could build an ordinary life for eighteen years. Borgwardt’s itinerary began becoming evidence before his family had finished grieving.

You Could Call It the End of the World

Money is the most practical border. A person can sleep outdoors without identification. The moment he wants a hotel, apartment, salary, international ticket or functioning bank account, somebody asks for the name behind the money. A friend of mine treats $9,999 as the largest sum one may carry into the United States. The actual rule is subtler: more than $10,000 may be transported legally, but it must be declared. Japan similarly requires declaration above one million yen. The threshold is not a wall. It is a checkpoint at which money becomes narrative. Where did it come from? Why are you carrying it? Who are you?

The old fugitive relied on fragmentation. A birth certificate sat in one office, fingerprints in another, employment history in a filing cabinet, border entries in ledgers and newspaper photographs in local archives. None of these systems was necessarily weak. They simply did not consult one another quickly. The fugitive’s skill lay in remaining inside the delay.

The decisive modern development is linkage. Passports became machine-readable and biometric. Banking systems identify customers and flag patterns. Phones create location and relationship histories. Cameras no longer merely preserve images; increasingly, software compares faces. Search engines connect photographs with names and places. DNA can identify a person who never submitted a sample because a distant relative did. Public records, commercial databases and social media supply continuity from childhood to the present.

Every system contains errors. Facial recognition misidentifies people. Records conflict. Databases leak. Names are misspelled. The second life does not die because any single machine knows everything. It dies because machines ask one another. The old fugitive needed to prevent one sheriff from telephoning another. The modern fugitive must prevent every machine from recognizing every other machine.

Josef Rusnak’s largely forgotten 1999 science-fiction film The Thirteenth Floor supplies the finest image of this condition. Douglas Hall, a computer scientist in Los Angeles, discovers that the simulated version of 1937 Los Angeles created by his company contains conscious inhabitants. More disturbingly, he learns that his own Los Angeles is another simulation. Following instructions left by his murdered mentor, Hall drives toward Tucson, ignores the road signs and barricades, and eventually reaches the boundary of his universe. The desert stops. The mountains dissolve. Beyond them stands an unfinished green wireframe—the scaffolding of a world nobody expected its inhabitants to inspect. Hall has not merely failed to escape Los Angeles. He has reached the place where Los Angeles runs out.

“You could call it the end of the world,” he says. The line is quiet because terror has already done the shouting. Moll Flanders could leave one town and supply the next with another name. Valjean could cross into another jurisdiction. Dick Whitman could exchange identification tags with a dead officer. Hall cannot accomplish even the preliminary act of departure because the road, desert and destination belong to the same system.

There is no countryside beyond surveillance and no unindexed territory in which to begin again; there is only the end of the program. Our world has not yet become Hall’s wireframe desert, but it increasingly resembles it. Every road leads toward another camera, account, border record or machine asking the traveler to confirm that he remains the person who departed.

The inhabitants of the film’s simulated 1937 discover that their world was created for users elsewhere. Hall then discovers that his apparently real 1999 is also one among thousands of simulations. “You weren’t supposed to find out,” he is told. The sentence might serve as the motto of every identity system. The structure works best when the contained person mistakes its limitations for the natural shape of reality.

Elon Musk’s claim that there is only a one-in-billions chance of our inhabiting “base reality” is not a scientific calculation. It is a swaggering compression of the simulation argument: if advanced civilizations produce enormous numbers of conscious simulated worlds, a randomly situated observer is more likely to occupy one of those than the single original reality beneath them. Whether or not Musk is right, The Thirteenth Floor understands the emotional consequence. The final disappearance is not concealment within the map. It is the impossible search for a place outside it.

The Last Fugitive

John McAfee deserves the title because he possessed nearly every advantage. He had money, international mobility, technical knowledge, familiarity with surveillance, political connections, access to boats and aircraft, and the willingness to behave in ways a normal investigator might not predict. He also possessed a cardboard box.

I have long suspected that McAfee knew more about Gregory Faull’s murder than he admitted, perhaps much more. That is an opinion, not a proven fact. Belizean authorities sought McAfee for questioning, but he was not convicted or charged in connection with the killing. Suspicion does not become evidence merely because its subject is spectacularly strange.

I nevertheless wanted McAfee to remain in circulation. I wanted him alive, ranting online, threatening to parachute into Fukuoka, appearing without warning at a Kyoto bar and ordering a strip steak while explaining that income tax was metaphysically invalid. This is not a defense of anything he may have done. It is an admission that fugitives provide a form of entertainment respectable citizens cannot. McAfee turned the ordinary police question—where is this man?—into theater.

His technical competence makes the comedy sharper. He knew that networks retain traces. He warned endlessly about surveillance. He promoted cryptocurrency and privacy as routes around state control. Yet his own need for audience continually defeated his wish for concealment. He contacted reporters while hiding, traveled with a film crew, cultivated disguises elaborate enough to become stories and generated the publicity through which strangers could follow him.

The Vice metadata incident is almost too perfect. A technology journalist accompanying the antivirus pioneer posted a photograph containing geographical information. The machine did not need to recognize McAfee’s altered face or chewing-gum lip. It merely reported where the photograph had been made. McAfee’s legend and location traveled inside the same file.

This is why he is the last fugitive rather than the greatest one. A true second life requires anonymity. McAfee could tolerate danger, accusation, ridicule and legal jeopardy. He could not tolerate being unknown. He wanted to disappear and narrate the disappearance, to escape the state while retaining the crowd. The modern fugitive may finally be defeated less by the camera than by his inability to live without looking into it.

That appetite is not confined to eccentrics. We announce departures, document privacy, turn reinvention into a new profile and carry our old audiences toward the new life. The desire to become somebody else competes with the desire to have everyone recognize the transformation. Moll Flanders supplies the next town with a story. McAfee supplies the whole planet with updates.

Coda

Is the death of the second life good or bad? Neither. It is a historical development with benefits, cruelties and unforeseen emotional costs. Connected systems catch murderers, fraudsters and people attempting to abandon obligations. They also make escape more difficult for abused spouses, political dissidents, debtors, refugees and ordinary human beings whose worst mistake has become permanently searchable. Accountability and mercy do not rise together automatically.

There remains an important distinction between disappearance and reinvention. An adult can legally change a name, move, choose another occupation, close public accounts and refuse contact. The state does not require everyone to preserve the social life into which he happened to arrive. But legal reinvention preserves continuity. Debts, convictions, parenthood and court orders belong to the person through the change. The first life is not erased. It is amended.

The Thin Man occupies the fantasy beyond amendment. He moves without the drag of continuity. He may enter Andrea’s life, Jessica’s cabin or another city under circumstances that do not require him to explain the previous scene. I invented him because I wanted the freedom of a man nobody could summon. Yet even he carries Niko beneath the working identity. Georgia remains inside him. Education, language, childhood, loss and desire cross every border without documentation.

That is the final limitation, older than passports and more reliable than facial recognition. You cannot outrun your ghosts. A person may defeat the file and still remain the person described by everything the file omitted. Tom Ripley acquires Dickie’s signatures but retains Tom’s hunger. Don Draper obtains Don’s career but brings Dick’s shame into every marriage. McAfee crosses borders with the cardboard box and John McAfee climbs out from beneath it.

At fifteen, I thought Moll Flanders was shapeless because Moll repeatedly acquired another husband, name, occupation, crime, punishment and jurisdiction. Now the repetition looks like the record of a vanished human possibility. Moll continually finds another exit. We inhabit a world of fewer exits, better records and longer memories.

Perhaps this is why stories of disappearance retain their force. They promise that one life need not be final. Somewhere beyond the jurisdiction, ocean, desert or wireframe mountain waits a place where nobody knows what we have done and no machine asks us to confirm it. We know better. The map follows us, and even if it did not, we would arrive carrying ourselves.

Moll Flanders could become another woman. We can only become ourselves somewhere else.

Sources

Daniel Defoe, Moll Flanders (1722), and Encyclopedia Virginia’s account of the novel’s transportation plot.

Luigi Pirandello, The Late Mattia Pascal (1904).

Victor Hugo, Les Misérables; Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo; F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby.

Patricia Highsmith, The Talented Mr. Ripley, and Anthony Minghella’s screenplay for the 1999 film.

AMC, Mad Men: the Dick Whitman/Don Draper identity narrative.

Project Gutenberg and the Ambrose Bierce Project, “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge” and biographical materials.

FBI historical materials on John List and the America’s Most Wanted identification.

Contemporary reporting on John Darwin, Robert Hoagland and Ryan Borgwardt.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection and Japan Customs guidance on cross-border currency declarations.

U.S. Department of Homeland Security, biometric identification materials.

Josef Rusnak, The Thirteenth Floor (1999), adapted from Daniel F. Galouye’s Simulacron-3.

Code Conference 2016, Elon Musk’s discussion of simulation and “base reality.”

Contemporary Wired, Guardian and Vice reporting on John McAfee’s flight from Belize.