My 20 Favorite Songs of All Time With Commentary

Note: This list speaks for itself, it is simply my 20 favorite songs of all time that include lyrics. For this list I have included extended commentary on each song. When I first published this list it was 110 songs long, and I will publish a full 250 this time in 5 installments. With the first publication, several people let me know that they had discovered new songs from it, and honestly that is the best outcomes I could hope for. This list does not include ambient music or jazz, two genres I also love. This list is a product of nearly 40 years of intensive music listening, so it is, at a minimum, highly curated. Thank you for reading, and may you find a new favorite somewhere on this list.

1. Cape Canaveral — Conor Oberst

For the first time since I began making versions of this list, I have a new number one. Conor Obrest’s Cape Canaveral has slowly, almost imperceptibly, worked its way past every other song I love. I didn’t exactly wake up one morning and decide that it was the greatest song ever. I simply noticed that I had already begun treating it that way. I return to it constantly, and it still gives me full-body chills and moves me to tears almost every time I hear it. After nearly forty years of obsessive music listening, Cape is as good of a number that I can come up with.

Conor is my number five artist of all time, and the fact that Cape Canaveral has become the song above all others that explains why. Number one. There it is. Man oh man. I didn’t see this one coming.

I have loved Cope for about eight years since I first heard it shorty after the release of the record it is on, Conor’s solo self titled debut from 2008. It is in my opinion his most beautiful and moving song. Conor also wrote my number 13 favorite song, Easy/Lucky/Free, which I write about below. Cape Canaveral uses the space program—those televised launches from decades ago, the spectacle of rockets lifting off into the unknown—as a proxy for growing up in America in the latter part of the 20th century. It’s about distance, aspiration, and the strange way in which memory reshapes people and moments over time.

It is one of the most gorgeous American songs ever written. “I watched your face age backwards / changing shape in my memory / you told me victory’s sweet / even deep in the cheap seats.” This is one of the loveliest passages ever set to music. Oberst is doing something subtle and devastating here—he’s taking the language of triumph and reframing it from the margins. Victory’s sweet even deep in the cheap seats is not a grand statement, however it is oddly triumphant. It’s about making meaning over time, with partial access, and moving from watching to participating.

That’s what the whole song feels like: an attempt to construct something lasting out of fragments—TV images, half-remembered conversations, the emotional residue of growing up. The rockets go up, but the song stays grounded in what it felt like to watch them, to want something more without knowing exactly what that “more” was. Full body chills every time. Conor is my number three artist of all time, and Cape Canaveral is exactly why.

2. Leaving LA — Father John Misty 

3. Cruiser — Red House Painters

4 (t). Houses on the Hill

4 (t). It’s Never Been a Fair Fight

5. Tulsa Queen — Emmylou Harris.

For years, Tulsa Queen was my answer. Greatest song ever. Number one. Don’t bother asking me again. And then, eventually, Cape Canaveral slipped past it. Barely. This isn’t really a demotion so much as the smallest possible movement inside the topmost tier: Tulsa Queen remains one of the most overwhelming pieces of music I have ever heard, and Emmylou Harris remains, for my money, the greatest vocalist who ever lived.

Then straight into:

I get full body chills and my eyes well up with tears every time I hear it…

The existing conclusion needs the corresponding tiny adjustment. Instead of “The GOAT. Pure legend. Full stop,” which contradicts #2, I’d go:

For a very long time, this was the GOAT. Now it is number two, which somehow feels both momentous and completely insignificant. Nothing about the song changed. I did. Pure legend. Forever.

I get full body chills and my eyes well up with tears every time I hear Tulsa Queen. Emmylou is the greatest vocalist of all time by far, and this song is the clearest possible evidence—not because it’s flashy or showy, but because it is so perfectly, devastatingly controlled. She doesn’t overpower the song; she becomes it. When she starts—“I saw the train/ in the Tulsa night/ calling out my name/ looking for a fight”—it’s just pure magic. The phrasing, the restraint, the sense that the story is already in motion before you’ve even arrived—there is nothing like it. You’re not being introduced to a narrative; you’re being dropped into the middle of one that already feels lived-in, already carries weight.

What makes Tulsa Queen so overwhelming is that it distills everything that makes Emmylou Harris who she is as an artist across her entire career: the fusion of country, folk, and rock sensibilities; the emotional clarity; the ability to inhabit a character without ever losing the self; the sense that every line has been earned. From her earliest work through her later records, she has always been able to locate the emotional center of a song with uncanny precision, but here she doesn’t just locate it—she holds it, perfectly, for the entire duration. It exists in the same emotional universe as something like “Boulder to Birmingham”—another wonderful, better-known masterpiece—but Tulsa Queen goes deeper.

Where “Boulder” is open grief, expansive and communal, Tulsa Queen is interior, private, almost dangerous in how close it lets you get to the narrator’s unrest. It feels less like a performance and more like a confession you were never meant to overhear. There are no words in any language to fully describe the feeling of listening to Tulsa Queen. That’s not hyperbole; it’s recognition. The song operates at a level that bypasses explanation and goes straight to the nervous system. It doesn’t ask to be analyzed—it insists on being felt. The GOAT. Pure legend. Full stop.

6. Faded — Afghan Whigs.

The Afghan Whigs lead singer Greg Dulli does something remarkable of Faded, which is blend swagger, menace, mystery, bravado, and also deep insecurity in one package. Seeing the Whigs play this as the encore at the Paradiso in Amsterdam in 2017 was one of the highlights of my life. It lands as an encore because it has to—it’s the only place a song like this can go. It doesn’t just end a set; it empties it out. Faded closes Black Love, which is not just an album but a fully realized world—cinematic, shadowy, saturated with urban crime, bad decisions, and the kind of late-night moral drift that never quite resolves.

Across the record, songs like Going to Town and Honky’s Ladder are all forward motion and attitude, pure swagger on the surface. But that swagger always feels a little overextended, like it’s covering something fragile underneath. By the time you get to Faded, the cover is gone. What’s been hinted at all along—doubt, damage, a kind of spiritual exhaustion—comes fully into view. There is no mystery as to why this has been the encore for every Whigs show for 30 years.

When Dulli asks to be lifted out of the night, to have someone look down and see the mess he’s in, it doesn’t feel performative. It feels exposed. The bravado is still there, but it’s cracked open, and what comes through is something far more human and far more dangerous. Not only is this the best Afghan Whigs song, Black Love is their best album by a mile. Everything they do well converges there—the mood, the storytelling, the tension between control and collapse—and Faded is the final, perfect release of that tension. He is a genius and the motherfucking man, and Faded is the best of many great Whigs songs. A worthy inclusion at number seven.

7. Dreadful — The Violet Burning

8. My Life Is Sweet — Simon Joyner.

“Met the drinker for a drink/ back when I was drinking everything but the kitchen sink”—and sure enough this song is about drinking, and drunks. Joyner’s friend is an alcoholic, and at the time of writing so is Joyner. They go to a bar and sit together, talking a little, mostly not, letting the night pass in that particular way that only two people who know each other well can manage.

Ultimately, this song is about male companionship, and how a quiet drink with a quiet friend can be life-saving when you really need it. Joyner takes a taxi home—drunk, or hungover, or somewhere in between—and collapses on the floor. And then the song ends with that extraordinary sequence where the city drops away, becomes something almost beautiful from a distance, and he arrives at that fragile, hard-won conclusion: my life is sweet. Anyone who is, or has been, a drinker will immediately recognize what Joyner is doing here—he is rationalizing the unrationalizable, but at the same time he’s not lying about it.

Is drinking so, so sweet? Yes and no, of course—and that tension is the point of this truly magnificent song. Part of what makes Joyner so compelling is how deeply rooted he is in the Omaha scene that would later produce Conor Oberst. Joyner is the elder figure there—born in 1971, a few years ahead of Oberst, who came up in the early ’80s generation—and his influence on Conor is both documented and unmistakable. Oberst has cited Joyner as a major influence, and you can hear it: the diaristic honesty, the willingness to let a song feel unfinished, the comfort with contradiction.

Joyner was mapping that terrain before it had a name, and before it had an audience beyond the local. He’s also massively underrated. He has other great songs—Fearful ManOne for the Catholic Girls—but My Life Is Sweet feels like the purest distillation of what he does best. There’s no artifice, no attempt to resolve the contradictions he’s living inside. Just a voice, a night, a friend, and the uneasy grace of getting through it. Anyone who’s been there knows: that’s more than enough.

9. Never Aim to Please — Tommy Stinson

Tommy Stinson, the bassist from The Replacements—went on to have, in my opinion, an even better solo career than the band’s lead singer Paul Westerberg. And considering that Westerberg is a genius and an absolute legend, this is saying something.

Stinson was barely out of childhood when the Replacements were at their peak—a teenager holding down the low end in one of the most chaotic, brilliant bands of their era. That early immersion shows up everywhere in his later work: the instinct for melody, the looseness, the sense that a song should feel lived-in rather than perfected. But what’s striking about his post-Replacements career—through Bash & Pop and his solo records—is how much he refines that instinct. The pure thrash and glorious sloppiness of early Replacements material gives way to something sweeter, more polished, but never sanitized. The edges are still there; they’re just better framed.

Never Aim to Please comes from Bash & Pop’s first record, Friday Night Is Killing Me, and Stinson has alternated between Bash & Pop releases and solo records over the 35 years since the Replacements broke up. In the first verse, Stinson sings about the absence of a point of view, and that marvelous line always reminds me of Westerberg’s writing on “Someone Take the Wheel”—that same sense of dislocation, of trying to find footing in a world that keeps shifting under you. There’s a great anecdote from Westerberg that early on, the Replacements pretended to hate The Rolling Stones—it was part of the pose, the punk posture. But it was just that: a pose. They actually loved the Stones.

And you can hear that lineage clearly in Stinson’s work. For all of his originality, he’s very much working in that classic rock tradition—songcraft, groove, emotional directness—but he does it in the best possible way, without nostalgia or mimicry. It feels inherited, not borrowed. Stinson may not claim to have a point of view in this song, but he’s been a remarkable curator and keeper of the Replacements’ legacy, especially as Westerberg has retreated from the music scene over the last decade. There’s a quiet authority in that, a sense of continuity that runs through his work. And the song itself? It just fucking kicks. It hits me in all the feels every time, and it is a worthy number nine.

10. The Traitor — Leonard Cohen

Cohen’s early career began not as a songwriter but as a poet and novelist—already established in literary circles before he ever stepped into popular music. When he moved into song, it wasn’t a reinvention so much as a translation. Early breakthroughs like Suzanne and later Bird on the Wire introduced a voice that felt unlike anything in contemporary pop: formally literary, emotionally restrained, but spiritually enormous.

Across a career that stretches from that early poetic minimalism to late-period gravity, Cohen repeatedly returned to the same emotional territory in different registers. Seems So Long Ago, Nancy carries quiet tragedy without spectacle. Death of a Ladies’ Man leans into chaos and contradiction. Alexandra Leaving and That Don’t Make It Junk show a late-career clarity—less ornament, more acceptance. And then, right at the end, The Night of Santiago from Thank You for the Dance—completed after his death by his son Adam—feels like a final echo rather than a conclusion, as if the voice is still resolving even after it has stopped.

But it is this passage that sits at the center of everything: “I told my mother, mother I must leave you / preserve my room and do not shed a tear / should rumor of a shabby ending reach you / it was half my fault and half the atmosphere.” Quite possibly the greatest verse ever set to paper.

There is something almost unbearable in its tenderness—the attempt to leave without destroying what you came from, to depart without turning departure into permanent damage. “Preserve my room” is not a realistic request; it is a desire for time to stop, for memory to remain untouched while the self moves forward into uncertainty, drift, and likely failure.

Cohen does something very few writers ever manage: he distributes responsibility without dissolving it. “Half my fault and half the atmosphere” is not an excuse—it is an ethics of existence. The self is accountable, but so is the world that formed it. There is guilt here, but no self-pity. There is clarity, but no absolution. He is naming the condition of being human with a precision that feels almost too large to hold. And what makes the song extraordinary is that it refuses resolution. Cohen never tries to solve the tension he has introduced. Instead, he inhabits it fully.

Across his work—from the early poetic breakthrough to the late songs of acceptance and erosion—he speaks to the quester, the striver, the poet, and the mystic in each of us. Not by offering answers, but by dignifying the act of searching itself. Leaving, longing, failing, seeking—these are not problems to resolve, but conditions to endure with awareness. His voice carries all of it: resignation, yearning, and a kind of quiet, unbreakable grace.

His best by a mile. Simply marvelous.

11. A Bathtub in the Kitchen — Craig Finn.

My favorite of many possible Finn contendersBathtub is about friendship, guilt, redemption, betrayal, and mostly about thankfulness. It’s the greatest song ever written about New York City and also about moving to a big city in general. Finn compresses an entire early chapter of a life into a few lines—the arrival, the uncertainty, the desperation to be claimed by the city, and the friend who makes that possible by opening his door. That friend—Francis—is the emotional center of the song. Twenty years earlier, he’s the one who shows the narrator the ropes, lets him crash on the couch, gives him a foothold when he doesn’t have one. He is, in a very real sense, the reason the narrator makes it at all. And now, in the present of the song, Francis is down and out, struggling, a diminished version of the figure who once seemed stable and generous.

What makes the song hit so hard is the narrator’s response to that reversal. There’s hesitation, even avoidance. He tries, briefly, to pass the responsibility off—to suggest that someone else, someone more put-together, might be in a better position to help. It’s a small moment, almost throwaway, but it reveals everything: the discomfort, the guilt, the instinct to deflect when confronted with a debt that can’t really be repaid. Because that’s the truth the song circles around—some debts can’t be repaid. Not cleanly, not proportionally.

In the end, the narrator does give Francis money—two hundred bucks—but it lands with a kind of quiet insufficiency. It’s something, but it’s not enough, and it never could be. You can’t square that kind of ledger. You can only acknowledge it. And that’s where the thankfulness comes in. Not as a resolution, not as a way of tying things up neatly, but as a recognition that what was given mattered, even if what is returned will always fall short. Finn doesn’t offer redemption in the traditional sense. He offers something more honest: awareness, discomfort, and the attempt—however partial—to do right by someone who once did right by you. It’s a stunning, stunning song and an absolutely worthy number nine.

12. Gorgeous (live)— The Violet Burning

13. Albuquerque — Neil Young (Mark Kozelek Cover)

14. Oh My Sweet Carolina — Ryan Adams

One of the most beautiful and sad songs in modern American songwriting. The record Heartbreaker—Adams’ solo debut after his run fronting Whiskeytown—remains his peak for many listeners. It’s also the album where everything still feels unforced: the writing, the pacing, the emotional exposure. Later records like Gold brought wider recognition, and something like Chris gets close in flashes, but Heartbreaker has a coherence of mood that he never quite replicated.

What defines Oh My Sweet Carolina is its dual perspective. On the surface, it’s a travel song—young man on the road, drifting through cities like Cleveland, accumulating damage, spending energy and money with a kind of reckless momentum that feels both chosen and inevitable. But underneath that motion is something much older: a pull backward, toward origin, toward a place that isn’t just geographic but emotional. North Carolina isn’t just home—it’s coherence.

The Cleveland passages (“So I went on to Cleveland and I ended up insane/ I bought a borrowed suit and learned to dance/ And I was spending money like the way it likes to rain/ Man, I ended up with pockets full of cane”) carry that classic Ryan Adams contradiction: charm and collapse in the same breath. The narrator moves through instability with the confidence of someone still convinced that motion equals meaning, even as that belief is starting to fail him. It’s the sound of someone learning, mid-stream, that movement alone doesn’t resolve anything. And then the emotional center of the song reveals itself: (Oh mw sweet Carolina/ what compels me to go/ oh, my sweet disposition/ may you one day carry me home), the longing not just to return, but to be returned in one piece. Not improved, not transformed—just intact.

This is where the collaboration with Emmylou Harris matters. Her voice doesn’t decorate the song; it stabilizes it. It sounds like witness. Adams has written other songs that brush this same emotional territory—English Girls ApproximatelyOh My God, Whatever, Etc.Still a CageBirmingham—but none of them quite hold the same balance of youth and exhaustion, romance and reckoning. Oh My Sweet Carolina feels like a hinge between those states: a young man already speaking like he understands what the older version of himself will miss. It’s a debut record moment that feels strangely final. A song about going forward that only makes sense when you understand what it costs to leave things behind. A truly majestic entry—and a worthy entry here at fifteen.

15. (T) Montreal Rock Band Somewhere — Happyness

15. (T) Crushed Out — Bad Moves

17. Caribbean Wind — Bob Dylan

18. Center of Asia — Paul Pena 

19. Rocket and a Bomb — Michael Knott.

This is Knott’s best-known—and, for many people, only known—song. It’s the one that traveled beyond the small, fractured world he spent his career navigating, the one that people who don’t know the rest of his catalog can still recognize. And that’s fitting, because it captures almost everything that made him singular. Knott never fit comfortably inside the Christian rock community that was supposed to be his home. He clashed with labels, bounced from one situation to another, tried repeatedly to start his own imprints just to maintain control of his work, and spent much of his career existing in the margins of an already marginal scene. There were too many expectations, too many rules about what a “Christian artist” was supposed to sound like, what he was supposed to say, how cleanly he was supposed to resolve things. Knott refused all of it.

You can hear the lineage—artists like Larry Norman laid some of the groundwork—but Knott is no inheritor in the traditional sense. He’s a total original. Where Norman and others often leaned toward proclamation, Knott leaned into contradiction, mess, unresolved tension. He wasn’t interested in presenting faith as an answer; he was interested in showing what it felt like to live inside it when the answers didn’t come.

His career reflects that restlessness. From the early chaos of Popsicle and Popsavers, through the darker, more aggressive phases of L.S. Underground and LSU, into his solo work and projects like Aunt Betty’s, Knott kept shifting forms, refusing to settle into anything that could be easily categorized. The sound changed, the bands changed, the labels changed—but the core impulse didn’t: tell the truth as he experienced it, even if it didn’t line up with what anyone wanted to hear. Rocket and a Bomb distills all of that into something deceptively simple. There’s humor in it, almost absurdity—“Mr. God, is there a Ms. God? Can she help me find a job?”—but it lands because it’s so nakedly real. This is a man of Christ who is also a man of the world, standing in the gap between those identities, not reconciling them but living them both at once. He’s not asking for salvation in the abstract; he’s asking for something immediate, practical, human. He just needs a goddam job.

That tension runs through everything he ever said and did. His line—“I know Christ. It doesn’t make me good; it doesn’t make me bad; it doesn’t make me anything. It just means I know Christ.”—might be the clearest articulation of his entire ethos. Faith is not a moral upgrade, not a solution, not a transformation you can point to and quantify. It’s a relationship, and relationships are messy. So what is a rocket and a bomb? They’re things most people don’t get to touch. Power, transcendence, impact—forces that exist beyond the everyday. The narrator wants a job, something stable, something achievable. But he also wants more. He wants access to something larger, something explosive, something that breaks the limits of an ordinary life. Knott lived that contradiction. He lived fast, pushed hard, refused to smooth out the edges that made him difficult to categorize or contain. He burned through systems that couldn’t hold him, left behind a body of work that feels both deeply personal and strangely universal. He had to.

20. There Must Be More Than Blood — Car Seat Headrest.

This is a tricky one, because it forces us to deal with a shift—not just in a song, but in an artist. My thesis is that this is Will Toledo going into a kind of relative hiding, and the song reads like a document of that transition in real time. His early work—from Beach Life-in-Death through Nervous Young Man to Sleeping with Strangers—was as direct, as exposed, as heart-on-the-sleeve as anything in the last decade of rock music. He wasn’t just confessional; he was incapable of not being confessional. He was the heart on his sleeve songwriter of his generation. You didn’t have to work to understand him—you just had to be willing to feel what he was feeling.

And then you put that next to someone like John Darnielle—super prolific, deeply lofi in his early approach, but always a little more mediated, a little more constructed. Darnielle throws his material against the wall and lets it accumulate into narrative. Toledo, at his best, just bleeds. So when Making a Door Less Open arrives, even the title signals a shift. Something is closing. Something is being sealed off. The masks—first the normal face coverings, then the Trait mask, then the gas mask—aren’t just stagecraft. They’re statements. The question isn’t “what is he hiding?” but “why does he suddenly feel the need to hide at all?” There Must Be More Than Blood sits right in the middle of that tension. You get these images of dislocation—of a life that used to feel rooted and now doesn’t. The delta, the shoreline, the houses stripped away—it doesn’t read like a literal disaster so much as an internal one. The sense of ground disappearing. Of structures—family, identity, whatever “home” used to mean—losing their coherence. He talks about wasting time, but you know that’s not true. He’s one of the most prolific songwriters around. What he’s really describing is a shift in how that time feels from the inside.

And then there’s the second movement—the red-eye flight, the self-recognition that barely qualifies as recognition at all. He sees himself, but only as an outline, a set of lines without substance. That’s the real break from the early work. The old Toledo was hyper-present, almost overwhelmingly so. This Toledo is thinning out, becoming harder even for himself to locate. So what do you do when you can’t see yourself clearly anymore? You disappear further. You become, in a sense, the Invisible Man. That’s what the masks start to feel like—not affectation, but adaptation. A way of dealing with a self that no longer feels stable enough to present directly. And if you follow that thread forward, you get to The Scholars—The Scholars—his most recent record. It’s even more oblique than Door. There are great songs there—Stay With Me (I Don’t Want to Be Alone)Equals—but they’re harder to parse, less immediately accessible. The emotional core is still there, but it’s buried deeper, refracted through more layers.

Part of that may simply be life catching up with him. Toledo dealt with serious health issues in the lead-up to that record—long COVID, histamine intolerance—and the process became more collaborative, less singularly driven. That alone changes the texture of the work. The lone voice becomes one voice among several. The signal diffuses.So There Must Be More Than Blood starts to feel like a hinge point. The moment where the old mode—pure exposure, pure immediacy—begins to give way to something more guarded, more fragmented, more difficult to access. But the core hasn’t disappeared. It’s just harder to reach. And that’s why the song matters. It captures an artist in the act of losing something essential—or at least transforming it into something less direct, less available, maybe even less comforting. Will Toledo is a mysterious guy. Deep, fragile, a little haunted, clearly carrying more than he lets on. He’s dealt with some tough stuff, and you can feel it in the way the work shifts over time. And for anyone still saying “rock is dead”—they can fuck off. There is still The Hold Steady and Car Seat Headrest making records that matter, records that wrestle with something real. You just have to be willing to meet them where they are now, not where they used to be.

21. Stay the Same — Home

22 (t). Killer Parties — The Hold Steady

Everything else is commentary. The band isn’t just a band; Finn isn’t just a frontman. The Hold Steady is a community, a lineage, a shared memory palace built out of long nights, near-misses, inside jokes, loud guitars, and people who actually want to be there. We are the Hold Steady. And Craig baby you are goddamn right, I am the Hold Steady. The Hold Steady is my favorite rock band of all time. I could make the case for a few others—The Velvet Underground, Grateful Dead, The Replacements, Car Seat Headrest—but for my money The Hold Steady most cleanly expresses what rock music is for. Not just sound, not just attitude, but shared experience turned into narrative.

Coming out of Lifter Puller, Finn was already writing in tight, clipped internal rhymes, dense alliteration, and nocturnal fragmentation. But with The Hold Steady the perspective opens up. The chaos is still there, but it’s filtered through memory and reflection. The language becomes more legible without losing its edge. Killer Parties, from the 2003 debut Almost Killed Me, is told from the perspective of someone older, someone who has already lived through the hardcore-to-indie-to-rave-up continuum and come out the other side. He’s been through Minneapolis basements, New York nights, Ybor City mythologies—the so-called party capital of America—and what remains is not nostalgia exactly, but accounting.

What did it cost, and what did it mean? It pairs naturally with Most People Are DJs (“I was a Twin City trash bin / I’d jam it all into my system”) and Soft in the Center (“And I’m just trying to tell the truth, kid / I’m just trying to tell the truth / You can’t get every girl / You get the ones you love the best”). Across these songs, Finn is already moving toward the older register he occupies now: less urgency, more reckoning. Like Faded in the Afghan Whigs canon, Killer Parties has remained a live staple—an encore song, a release valve, a communal shoutback. And its central refrain is exactly what it says it is: killer parties almost killed me.

No metaphor is needed beyond that. Finn has been there and done that. He has lived it, absorbed it, and returned from it with something closer to clarity than regret. And even in this early form, you can already hear the direction of travel: toward the reflective, grounded, older voice that defines him now. A truly great song—and a blueprint for what comes after the chaos stops being infinite.

22 (t). Leave the City -— Jason Molina (Live)

August 2026 New Top 250 Work in Progress:

1. Cape Canaveral — Conor Oberst

  1. Leaving LA — Father John Misty 
  2. Cruiser — Red House Painters

4t. It’s Never Been a Fair Fight — Craig Finn

4t. Houses on the Hill — Whiskeytown

  1. Tulsa Queen — Emmylou Harris
  2. Faded — Afghan Whigs
  3. Dreadful — The Violet Burning
  4. My Life Is Sweet — Simon Joyner
  5. Never Aim to Please — Tommy Stinson
  6. The Traitor — Leonard Cohen
  7. A Bathtub in the Kitchen — Craig Finn
  8. Gorgeous — The Violet Burning
  9. Albuquerque — Neil Young (Mark Kozelek Cover)
  10. Oh My Sweet Carolina — Ryan Adams
  11. (15T) Montreal Rock Band Somewhere — Happyness
  12. (15T) Crushed Out — Bad Moves
  13. Caribbean Wind — Bob Dylan
  14. Center of Asia — Paul Pena 
  15. Rocket and a Bomb — Michael Knott
  16. There Must Be More Than Blood — Car Seat Headrest
  17. Stay the Same —Home
  18. Leave the City — Jason Molina (Live)
  19. Killer Parties (live 2008) — The Hold Steady
  20. Roll Another Number for the Road — Neil Young
  21. Between Planets — The Jesus and Mary Chain
  22. Jessamine — Craig Finn
  23. Catfish John — Jerry Garcia
  24. My Life in Art — Mojave 3
  25. Red River Shore — Bob Dylan
  26. Three Drinks — Craig Finn
  27. Thrasher — Neil Young
  28. Faithless Street — Whiskeytown
  29. Double — Michael Knott
  30. My Life in Art — Mojave 3
  31. Julia With Blue Jeans On — Moonface
  32. Malibu Love Nest — Luna
  33. Lovesick — The Violet Burning
  34. Lisa Says — The Velvet Underground
  35. Trains Across the Sea — The Silver Jews
  36. The Man I’ve Always Been — Craig Finn
  37. Sugar Mama — Michael Knott
  38. Have You Forgotten — Red House Painters
  39. SB’s Truck — Happyness
  40. Violent Past — Low
  41. An Architect’s Eye — The Mendoza Line
  42. No One Changes — Conor Oberst
  43. Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself — Cracker
  44. Traveling Light — The Tindersticks
  45. I Love My Dad — Sun Kil Moon
  46. Blood of Eden — Peter Gabriel
  47. Easy / Lucky / Free — Bright Eyes (BOCC Cover)
  48. Kill the Action — East River Pipe
  49. Ali/Spinks II — Sun Kil Moon
  50. Rock n’ Singer — AC/DC (Mark Kozelek Cover)
  51. Chinatown — Luna
  52. Can’t Hardly Wait — The Replacements
  53. Goshen ’97 — Strand of Oaks
  54. Tiny Pieces — Bash and Pop
  55. Standing on the Moon — Phosphorescent (Grateful Dead Cover)
  56. Julia With Blue Jeans On — Moonface
  57. Schizophrenia — Sonic Youth
  58. Tougher Than the Rest — (Mendoza Line (Bruce Springsteen Cover)
  59. Goodbye — Steve Earle (Emmylou Harris Cover)
  60. Nobody But You — Lou Reed and John Cale
  61. Driving the Dynamite Truck — Seam (Breaking Circus Cover)
  62. Cortez the Killer — Neil Young (Church Cover)
  63. Must Have Been the Roses — The Grateful Dead
  64. Love Songs on the Radio — Mojave 3
  65. Black Cab — Jens Lekman
  1. It’s a Long Line (But It Moves Quickly) — The Mendoza Line
  2. 31 Candles — The Mendoza Line
  3. Shelter Me — Poison
  4. I Drink — Mary Gauthier
  5. Cherry Chapstick — Yo La Tengo
  6. Drag Queens and Limousines — Mary Gauthier
  7. Against Pollution — The Mountain Goats
  8. Jokerman — Bob Dylan
  9. Wish You Were Here — Pink Floyd (Sparklehorse Cover)
  10. Tired Eyes — Neil Young
  11. Death of a Ladies’ Man — Leonard Cohen
  12. Look at Miss Ohio — Gillian Welch
  13. April the 14th Part II — Gillian Welch
  14. Thirty Year Low — The Mendoza Line
  15. Black and Brown Blues — Silver Jews
  16. I’m Sorry — John Denver (Red House Painters Cover)
  17. (T) The Lights of Magdala — Kris Kristofferson (Red House Painters Cover)
  18. (T) Car Wash Hair — Mercury Rev (Luna Cover)
  19. Suffering Jukebox — Silver Jews
  20. Pissed Off 3 AM — Alejandro Escovedo
  21. Someone Take the Wheel — The Replacements
  22. Teenage Riot — Sonic Youth
  23. (T) New Sensations (Live) — Lou Reed
  24. Head On — The Jesus and Mary Chain
  25. After Your Party — Tanya Donelly
  26. This Isn’t It — Giant Drag
  27. Shut In — Strand of Oaks
  28. Anna Lisa Says — Happyness
  29. Song for Dennis Brown — The Mountain Goats
  30. Never Say Goodbye — Bob Dylan
  31. Snowin’ on Raton — Townes Van Zandt
  32. 1979 — Smashing Pumpkins
  33. All Rooms A/C Cable Free — The Extra Glens
  34. An Harangue — The Red Krayola and Art and Language
  35. Sunday Morning Comin’ Down — Kris Kristofferson
  36. California — Low
  37. Green Eyes — Nick Cave
  1. Dead Flowers (Live)— The Rolling Stones
  2. Star 18 — The Hold Steady 
  3. Crime in the Desert — Brian Eno/ John Cale
  4. Street Hassle — Lou Reed
  5. Schizophrenia — Sonic Youth
  6. Day Disguise — Hope Sandoval 
  7. San Francisco B.C. — Silver Jews 
  8. Barstool — Neil Young 
  9. Most of the Time — Bob Dylan (Luna Cover)
  10. Brownsville Girl— Bob Dylan
  11. Two Sons in the Sunset — Pink Floyd
  12. Pale Green Things — The Mountain Goats 
  13. What Would the Community Think — Cat Power
  14. Sweet Child O’ Mine — Guns N’ Roses 
  15. Feed the Tree — Belly
  16. Up to Me — Bob Dylan
  17. (T) One Man’s Rubbish — The Beautiful South
  18. (T) Foreign Object — The Mountain Goats 
  19. Hatchet — Low
  20. Song to the Siren — This Mortal Coil
  21. Kate’s Guitar — Greg Brown
  22. Good as Gold — The Beautiful South 
  23. Ben’s My Friend — Sun Kil Moon
  24. Triumph 73 — The Felice Brothers 
  25. Oh Sister — Bob Dylan
  26. Awesome Sound— Ween
  27. Dr. Rock — Ween
  28. Harbourcoat — REM
  29. Kavita — Red House Painters
  30. Screenwriter’s School — Craig Finn
  31. Darken Your Door — Camper Van Beethoven (Also Richmond Version)
  32. Different Days — Jason Isabel
  33. A Dream — Lou Reed and John Cale
  34. Hollywood Lawn — Jenny Lewis
  35. A Little Uncanny — Conor Obrest
  36. Claim to Fame — Alex Chilton
  37. Terrified Eyes — Craig Finn
  38. Evelyn Is Not Real — My Morning Jacket
  39. Didn’t Know What I Was In For — Better Oblivion Community Center
  40. Little Chang, Big City — Seam
  41. Teenage Wristband — The Twilight Singers
  42. Phone Went West (live at the 9:30 Club)— My Morning Jacket
  43. Corpus Christie Bay — Phosphorescent 
  44. Guitar Town — Steve Earle
  45. (T) Atlantic City — East River Pipe
  46. (T) I’m Not (live)— Daddy Issues
  47. Welfare State — Slow Dazzle
  48. Misunderstood — Wilco
  49. The Violet Hour — The Clientele
  50. Dallas — Silver Jews
  51. Seems So Long Ago, Nancy — Leonard Cohen
  52. That Don’t Make it Junk — Leonard Cohen
  53. Hard Time — Daniel Johnston 
  54. Southern Accents — Tom Petty (Lucinda Williams Cover)
  55. First Blood — The Mountain Goats
  56. Chameleon — Michael Knott 
  57. Tether to Tassel — Michael Knott 
  58. Who Knows Where the Time Goes — Nina Simone
  59. Pretty in Pink— The Psychedelic Furs 
  60. (T) Fall of Saigon — Elliott Murphy
  61. (T) Two Places at Once — The Church
  62. UFO — Larry Norman
  63. Pay for Me — The National
  64. Stroke it Noel — Big Star
  65. (T) Classic Cars — Conor Oberst 
  66. Oh My Soul — Big Star
  67. (T) Lofts — Happyness 
  68. Summer of the Whore — Shannon McArdle 
  69. Elastic Days — J. Mascis
  70. Nickel and a Spoon — Alejandro Escavedo 
  71. What’s a Simple Man to Do? — Steve Earle
  72. Seen the Light — Giant Drag
  73. Lyin’ Eyes — The Eagles 
  74. Mercedes Benz — Janis Joplin
  75. Weighted Down — Skip Spence 
  76. Bangkok — Alex Chilton 
  77. (T) Out There — Dinosaur Jr. 
  78. Feel the Pain — Dinosaur Jr. 
  79. (T) Cherry Bomb — The Runaways
  80. (T) Personality Crisis — New York Dolls
  81. JM— Strand of Oaks
  82. The Likely Nominee— The Mendoza Line
  83. The Bear — My Morning Jacket 
  84. Hula Hula Boys — Warren Zevon 
  85. Tennessee — The Silver Jews
  86. Red Right Hand — Nick Cave
  87. Buckets of Rain — Bob Dylan
  88. Jim Jones — Bob Dylan
  89. Tiny Tears — Tindersticks 
  90. Kangaroo — This Mortal Coil
  91. Sabotage — Papa M
  92. (T) In Spite of Me — Morphine 
  93. (T) See You at the Movies— J. Mascis
  94. Blow Him Apart — The Felice Brothers 
  95. Crime In the City — Neil Young
  96. She’s Lost Control — Joy Division 
  97. The Myth of Fingerprints— Paul Simon 
  98. Keep On Rockin’ In the Free World — Neil Young
  99. The Boxer — Simon and Garfunkeltzz a 
  100. Shelter from the Storm — Bob Dylan
  101. Winter Games — Superchunk
  102. Top Floor Bottom Buzzer — Morphine
  103. Richard Ramirez Died Today of Natural Causes — Sun Kil Moon
  104. Scum — Nick Cave 
  105. Buffalo Ballet — John Cale 
  106. Sidewalk — Superchunk 
  107. Storms — Fleetwood Mac (Camper Van Beethoven Cover)
  108. Heaven Sitting Down — Phosphorescent 
  109. Desperadoes Under The Eaves — Warren Zevon 
  110. Frankie’s Gun — The Felice Brothers 
  111. Slack Mothefucker — Superchunk 
  112. Teenage Kicks — The Undertones
  113. FOH — Superchunk 
  114. The Alphonse Mambo — The Mountain Goats
  115. The Church of the Holy Spook — Shane McGowan
  116. I Fought the Law — The Clash
  117. No Time to Cry — Iris DeMent
  118. Tangled Up in Blue — Bob Dylan
  119. Terror in the Canyons — Phosphorescent
  120. I Don’t Wanna Get Over You — The Magnetic Fields
  121. Goddamn Lonely Love — The Drive By Truckers
  122. Train — Michael Knott 
  123. Days of Our Years — The Felice Brothers 
  124. Rocks Off — The Rolling Stones
  125. Achin’ to Be — The Replacements 
  126. Sell the House — The Felice Brothers 
  127. (T) Death or Glory — The Clash 
  128. (T) Sultans of Swing — Dire Sraits 
  129. Bodys — Car Seat Headrest 
  130. All the Wine — The National
  131. Come In From the Cold — Joni Mitchell
  132. I Walk a Thin Line — (Fleetwood Mac Cover)
  133. Fill in the Blank — Car Seat Headrest
  134. Out For the Killing — Elliott Murphy
  135. Easy’s     CfGetting Harder Every Day — Iris DeMent
  136. Anything Can Happen — Bash and Pop
  137. Newmyer’s Roof — Craig Finn
  138. Charley’s Girl — Lou Reed
  139. The Man in Me — Bob Dylan
  140. Going to Town — The Afghan Whigs
  141. My Life Is Wrong — East River Pipe
  142. Tangletown — Craig Finn
  143. Lord Kill the Pain — Red House Painters 
  144. (T) Silhouette Town — East River Pipe
  145. (T) Next of Kin — Conor Obrest
  146. Gold Mine Gutted — Conor Obrest 
  147. God in Chicago — Craig Finn 
  148. Mistakes Were Made — The Mendoza Line
  149. I Hate Rock n’ Roll — The Jesus and Mary Chain
  150. Shark Smile — Big Thief
  151. Another Day — This Mortal Coil (Roy Harper Cover)
  152. Yesterday — Mark Sandman
  153. Glasgow Eyes — The Jesus and Mary Chain 
  154. The Stallion I-V — Ween
  155. Foreign Hotel Garden — Papa M
  156. Local Boy Makes Good — Papa M
  157. Duty Free — Cracker 
  158. 40 Miles — East River Pipe
  159. Mutineer — Warren Zevon
  160. Five Green Queens and Jean — Shane McGowan
  161. I Love Rock n’ Roll — The Jesus and Mary Chain
  162. Stop Whaling — Happyness 
  163. Tiny Dancer — Elton John 
  164. Teenage Kicks — The Undertones
  165. Hotel California — The Eagles 
  166. Take It Easy — The Eagles 
  167. Going to California — Led Zeppelin 
  168. Casper the Friendly Ghost — Daniel Johnston 
  169. You Can Call Me Al — Paul Simon
  170. Red Rain — Peter Gabriel 
  171. Float On — Modest Mouse 
  172. Undress — The Felice Brothers 
  173. Ocean Man — Ween
  174. Camp Pendleton — Camper Van Beethoven 
  175. Skyway — The Replacements 
  176. Nothing Compares to You — Sinead O’Conner
  177. One More of Coffee — Bob Dylan
  178. Lawyers Guns and Money— Warren Zevon 
  179. Rexroth’s Daughter— Greg Brown
  180. City Sickness — The Tindersticks 
  181. Black Diamond Bay — Bob Dylan
  182. Gustavo— Sun Kil Moon 
  183. Lily Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts — Bob Dylan
  184. Aspect of an Old Maid — The Mendoza Line
  185. It Was Like That When We Got There — Camper Van Beethoven 
  186. Mr. Bad Example — Warren Zevon 
  187. Song for Zula — Phosphorescent 
  188. Rebel Rebel — David Bowie
  189. A New England — Phosphorescent 
  190. On the Rocks — Bash and Pop
  191. Out on the Weekend — Neil Young
  192. Unknown Legend — Neil Young
  193. Sweet Jane — Velvet Underground
  194. Don’t Go Back to Rockville — REM
  195. Honky Tonk Woman — The Rolling Stones
  196. Moon Radio — The Violet Burning
  197. Waiting for My Man  — The Velvet Underground 
  198. Lost in the Supermarket — The Clash
  199. King Rides By — Cat Power
  200. Speed Trap Town — Jason Isabel
  201. Most People Are DJs — The Hold Steady
  202. Berlin Kitty — The Violet Burning
  203. (T) Outta My System — My Morning Jacket
  204. (T) Jonah — Wussy
  205. These Three Days — Lucinda Williams
  206. Soft in the Center — The Hold Steady
  207. Lonesome L.A. Cowboy — Peter Rowan
  208. Sugercube— Yo La Tengo
  209. (T) The Buff and the Flex Result — Lifter Puller
  210. (T) Language City — Wolf Parade
  211. On the Beach — Neil Young
  212. Yesterday — Mark Sandman 
  213. Million Dollar Bill— Dawes (Conor Obrest Cover)
  214. The Boom Boom Lounge — Michael Knott
  215. Dylan Thomas — Better Oblivion Community Center
  216. The Flames Are Coming Back — East River Pipe
  217. This Year — The Mountain Goats
  218. Slapped Actress — The Hold Steady
  219. Eye of Fatima — Camper Van Beethoven
  220. I’ll Be Your Handbag— Shane McGowan
  221. Orange Crush — REM
  222. Copperhead Road — Steve Earle
  223. (T) Small Town Napoleons — The Mendoza Line  
  224. (T) Toy Automatic — The Afghan Whigs
  225. Mission Veajo — Lifter Puller
  226. Big Day Coming (Acoustic and Electric) Yo La Tengo
  227. Guts — John Cale 
  228. From the Right Angle — Dawes
  229. All Apologies — Sinead O’ Conner (Nirvana Cover)
  230. Song for Whoever — The Beautiful South 
  231. What’s Going On — Marvin Gaye 
  232. From a Window Seat — Dawes
  233. Seven Languages — Camper Van Beethoven 
  234. Rain Street — Shane McGowan
  235. Detroit Has a Skyline — Superchunk 
  236. Ocean Man – Ween
  237. Gardening at Night — REM
  238. Always Crashing in the Same Car — David Bowie
  239. Watching the Wheels — John Lennon
  240. Jane — The Aunt Bettys 
  241. Working Class Hero — John Lennon
  242. The Week of Living Dangerously — Steve Earle
  243. Michigan — Red House Painters 
  244. Berlitz — Seam
  245. Jesus — The Aunt Bettys
  246. Police and Thieves — Junior Murvin (Clash cover)
  247. Shine a Light — Rolling Stones 
  248. Letter to Eloise — The Cure
  249. Kevin is Gay — Giant Drag
  250. Rock n’ Roll — Velvet Underground
  251. (T) Just Like the Tom Thumb Blues — Bob Dylan
  252. (T) Halloween Parade — Lou Reed
  253. (T) I’m Not (live) — Daddy Issues
  254. Esther — The Hold Steady
  255. Paul is Dead — Yo La Tengo
  256. Honkey’s Ladder — The Afghan Whigs 
  257. We Shall Live Again — The Felice Brothers 
  258. Plymouth — Strand of Oaks
  259. Suzy Lighting— Warren Zevon
  260. Rented Rooms — Tindersticks 
  261. The Rockaways — Conor Oberst
  262. End of the Line — The Traveling Wilburys 
  263. Shooting Star — Bob Dylan
  264. Spinners — The Hold Steady
  265. Wonderful Life — The Felice Brothers 
  266. Close to Me— The Cure
  267. Girl From Oregon Hill — David Lowrey
  268. Everybody Get a Fucking Day Job— David Lowrey
  269. Where’d the Cheese Go— Ween
  270. The Sick Bed of Culcahian— The Pogues 
  271. An Unguarded Moment  — The Church 
  272. Come Dancing — The Kinks
  273. Carmelita — Warren Zevon 
  274. Sound and Vision — David Bowie
  275. Everybody’s Talkin’ — Harry Neilson 
  276. Madame George — Van Morrison 
  277. You Shook Me All Night Long — AC/DC 
  278. Aaron’s Getting Poopy — Michael Knott 
  279. Raspberry Beret — Prince
  280. Sixers — The Hold Steady  
  281. Gotta Get Drunk — Phosphorescent 
  282. 36D — The Beautiful South
  283. Clampdown — The Clash
  284. Lay Lady Lay — Bob Dylan  
  285. Thunder Road —Bruce Springsteen 
  286. Shattered — The Rolling Stones 
  287. Jan the Weatherman — Michael Knott
  288. The Way They Murdered Me — East River Pipe
  289. Sequestered In Memphis — The Hold Steady
  290. The Mermaid Parade — Phosphorescent 
  291. Star Star — The Rolling Stones 
  292. Once Upon a Time in the West – Dire Straits 
  293. Requiem for Dying Mothers Part I and II — Stars of the Lid 
  294. Leaving Haringey — The Clientele
  295. Sweet Virginia — Rolling Stones 
  296. I Was So Bad — The Red Crayola 
  297. How Do You Sleep — John Lennon
  298. Pass the Wine — John Lennon 
  299. Just for You — The Church
  300. Hanky Panky Nohow — John Cale
  301. She Came In Through the Bathroom Window — The Beatles
  302. Jealous Guy — John Lennon 
  303. Fairytale of New York— The Pogues 
  304. Bluebird of Happiness — Mojave 3
  305. Available — The National
  306. The Legend of Chavo Guerrero — The Mountain Goats 
  307. Japanese to English — The Red House Painters 
  308. Anybody Else — Bash and Pop
  309. Sugar for the Pill — Slowdive
  310. Headed for the Door — Moonface
  311. Slow Slow — The National 
  312. Sarah — Mojave 3
  313. Jacking the Ball — The Sea and Cake
  314. Daysleeper — REM
  315. Alex Chilton — The Replacements
  316. The Fall of the High School Running Back — The Mountain Goats
  317. Rafael — Seam
  318. I Met the Stones — Dinosaur Jr. 
  319. Stuck Between Stations — The Hold Steady
  320. Holidays in the Sun — The Sex Pistols 
  321. Friday I’m In Love — The Cure
  322. Bad Doctor — The Mountain Goats 
  323. Every Rose Has It’s Thorn — Poison
  324. Here’s to Your Fuck — The Gits
  325. Push the Lil’ Daisies — Ween
  326. Career Opportunities — The Clash 
  327. Ninety Miles and Hour (Down a Dead End Street) — Bob Dylan
  328. I Live in LA — Camper Van Beethoven 
  329. Ballad of John and Yoko — The Beatles 
  330. The Last Days of Our Acquaintance — Sinead O’Conner
  331. Back in the USSR— The Beatles 
  332. Bouncing Round the Room — Phish 
  333. Early Man — Mark Sandman
  334. God Save the Queen — The Sex Pistols 
  335. Your Latest Trick — Dire Straits 
  336. Mistaken for Strangers — The National 
  337. Jet Plane — The Popsavers
  338. Come Together — The Beatles 
  339. Caught Beneath Your Heel — Mojave 3
  340. Like a Rolling Stone — Bob Dylan
  341. Teary Eyes Bloody Lips — Moonface
  342. Oh La La — John Cale
  343. Talent Show — The Replacements 
  344. Autobiography — John Cale
  345. Whole Wide World — Wreckless Eric
  346. (T) The Amarillo Kid — Craig Finn
  347. Diamond Joe — Bob Dylan
  348. Watch Yo Screw — DJ Screw 
  349. Inferno — The Felice Brothers 
  350. Janie Jones — The Clash
  351. (T) Suspicious Minds —Elvis Presley (My Morning Jacket Cover)
  352. Barnaby Hardly Working — Yo La Tengo
  353. Answering Machine — The Replacements
  354. Unsatisfied — The Replacements 
  355. Nice Nice — Lifter Puller
  356. (T) I Wanna Be Sedated —The Ramones 
  357. (T) Spaced Cowboy — Sly and the Family Stone
  358. Hard Times — Bob Dylan
  359. Artificial Flowers — The Beautiful South 
  360. Ugly Flower Pretty Vase — Moonface
  361. Dungtitled in a Major — Stars of the Lid
  362. Thursday — Morphine
  363. Bastards of Young — The Replacements
  364. Radio Song — The Felice Brothers  
  365. One In a Million — Guns N’ Roses
  366. Sailin’ da South — DJ Screw 
  367. Friends in Low Places — Garth Brooks
  368. Carry Bag Man — The Fall
  369. Cardinal Song — The National 
  370. Girl from Ipanema — Astrud Gilberto 
  371. Where is the Love — Mojave 3 
  372. No Divorce — The Mountain Goats 
  373. Countess From Hong Kong — Velvet Underground
  374. Mon Desir — The Violet Burning
  375. Low Budget — The Kinks 
  376. TB Sheets — Van Morrison
  377. Rocket Man — Elton John (My Morning Jacket)
  378. November Rain — Guns N’ Roses
  379. Beat on the Brat — The Ramones
  380. Washington Bullets — The Clash
  381. Man Without Ties — Paul Westerberg
  382. Brown Eyed Girl — Van Morrison 
  383. Brown Eyed Handsome Man — Chuck Berry
  384. Love’s Gonna Get’cha (Material Love) — KRS One
  385. Band on the Run — Paul McCartney
  386. The Trouble With Classicists— Lou Reed and John Cale
  387. Rape Me — Nirvana
  388. Froggie Went a Courting
  389. Black Boys on Mopeds — Sinead O’Conner
  390. Tweeter and the Monkey Man — The Traveling Wilburys 
  391. Handle Me With Care — The Traveling Wilburys 
  392. Welcome to the Terradome — Public Enemy 

Pending a Listen: 

The Magnificent Seven — The Clash 

Marbles — Tindersticks 

Raindrops — Tindersticks

Little Blue — The Beautiful South 

Radio Song — The Felice Brothers 

===== =====

x. Rock n Roll Singer— Mark Kozelek (AC/DC Cover).

The original Rock ’n’ Roll Singer is by AC/DC—a raw, early cut from T.N.T. (1975). It’s already got the skeleton of something great: the ambition, the defiance, the simple declaration of identity. But it’s also messy in that early AC/DC way—loose production, Bon Scott’s sardonic asides cutting across the sincerity, a kind of pub-rock sarcasm that slightly diffuses the emotional core instead of locking it in.

Kozelek hears it differently. And more importantly, he means it differently. Across multiple incarnations—solo, Red House Painters, and Sun Kil Moon—he’s returned to this song like it’s a personal doctrine. It’s not a cover so much as a repeated self-interrogation. The acoustic version strips everything down to confession; the Sun Kil Moon electric version adds weight and repetition; but it’s the live performance at The Chapel in San Francisco (Aug 19, 2017, on YouTube) that feels definitive. Electric guitar, but unpolished. Less mannered than the studio SKM version. More immediate. More exposed. And Kozelek just inhabits it.

The lyric isn’t complicated: working-class childhood, parental expectation, school, rebellion, long hair, refusal to conform. It’s the classic origin myth of rock music itself. But in Kozelek’s hands it becomes something more existential. Not just “I want to be a rock singer,” but this is the only coherent identity available to me that feels real. That chorus—repeated, rising, almost mantra-like—isn’t just aspiration. It’s fixation. He pushes it harder each time, voice tightening, almost ecstatic. There’s a strange joy in it, but also something like compulsion. This is not a person imagining a career. This is a person locking onto a destiny.

And then the darker undercurrent: the devil-in-the-blood logic of ambition. The sense that the desire itself has a cost baked into it. Kozelek doesn’t play that as metaphorical flourish; he plays it as recognition. If you want this badly enough, you don’t just chase it—you surrender something to it. That’s why it works as his thesis statement. Because Kozelek’s entire career is that tension stretched over decades. Early Red House Painters records gave him Have You Forgotten and Cruiser—songs of melodic melancholy and emotional clarity. Then the Sun Kil Moon era brings the breakthrough again with Benji (2014), an album that suddenly re-centers him in the conversation. “Ben’s My Friend” in particular catches that strange inversion of time and status—his connection to Ben Gibbard now reframed through shifting fame and distance, with that brutal line about the thin line between backstage access and feeling like an impostor in your own life.

From there, things expand—and fragment. The later Sun Kil Moon output becomes looser, more digressive: breakfast details, cats, long spoken passages, emotional drift that sometimes feels like composition and sometimes feels like overflow. The public persona starts to wobble. He writes songs like War on Drugs Can Suck My Cock after disputes over live volume at festivals. A collaboration with Jesuturns into extended monologue rather than song structure. He comments on audience demographics, once saying he used to play for “cute chicks” and now plays for “guys in tennis shoes.”

The self-mythology becomes unstable—at times self aggrandizing, at times self-undercutting, often both in the same breath. Then there are the controversies, the accusations that circulate without ever fully resolving into clean narrative closure. Combined with the relentless release schedule—multiple records a year, nearly impossible to track in full—it creates a figure who is always present and slightly out of phase with how he is being received. And yet. And yet he still lands inside my personal canon. Because at his core, Kozelek keeps returning to that original statement: I wanted to be a rock ’n’ roll singer, and I became one. Everything else—digression, controversy, excess, fatigue—is built on top of that irreducible core.

My great friend Ian (who thinks I’m nuts for still following him, despite also loving Red House Painters) isn’t alone in that reaction. Kozelek divides listeners precisely because he refuses to stabilize into a single, manageable artistic identity. But for me Singer remains clean. Not in execution, but in intent. A mantra. A declaration. A life chosen and lived, even when it gets strange. And that’s why it sits so high for me: not because it’s simple, but because it’s absolute.

x. Malibu Love Nest — Luna.

The simplest song in the top 20 and also the silkiest. First things first: Sean Eden, Luna’s long-time guitarist, is an absolute genius. His playing sits in that rare tier—alongside people like Mick Taylor or Mark Knopfler—where the instrument stops sounding like accompaniment and starts sounding like commentary. He doesn’t decorate the song; he inhabits it.

And by all accounts, Dean had to work for that role. In Dean Wareham’s memoir Black Postcards, there’s that wonderfully deadpan passage about Bryce reorganizing Sean’s process:

“Sean is a brilliant guitarist… but he is one of these people who equates the music-making process with a great deal of pain.”

That line captures something essential about Luna: the tension between ease and effort. The music feels effortless, but it absolutely isn’t. Once Eden joins the band, everything lifts. Luna becomes something more refined, more cinematic, more self-aware without losing its cool distance. Malibu Love Nest—from Rendezvous, which for my money is their best record (though Penthouse is right there)—is the clearest expression of that shift. It’s also my favorite Luna song by some distance, ahead of ChinatownTiger Lily, and Slash Your Tires.


On the surface, the song is almost disarmingly simple. Romantic imagery, luxury signifiers, travel, repetition of place-name refrain. A kind of dream-pop postcard written in real time. But Wareham is doing something subtler: he’s writing the fantasy while simultaneously showing you its constructedness.


The lyric moves through diamonds, bathrooms, planes, buses, trains, Italian magazines, streets, beaches—all the surfaces of a life that looks expensive and weightless from the outside. But the repetition of writing a name in all these places gives it away. This isn’t possession. It’s inscription. It’s someone trying to leave evidence inside a world that may not actually be theirs.

And that’s where Britta Phillips comes in—not just as bassist, but as tonal shift. Her presence gives the song its low-end pulse, that understated, sultry movement that turns the whole thing from detached dream into something bodily. Luna stops being just a guitar band and becomes something more fluid, more intimate, more ambiguous.

There’s also that Black Postcards anecdote about Wareham in therapy after his divorce, where he’s asked whether he’d prefer $200 or $150 per session and immediately says $150. It’s funny, but also perfectly revealing: the instinct toward practicality inside a life that otherwise drifts toward aesthetic distance. That’s Luna in miniature—romance always checked by cost, beauty always adjacent to accounting.

And then the final shift: “You will call me Robespierre…” Suddenly the dream cracks open into history, revolution, collapse, irony. The romantic fantasy is no longer just private—it’s unstable, politicized, slightly unmoored. The air changes.

That’s what makes Malibu Love Nest work. It’s not just a soft-focus love song or a beachside reverie. It’s a controlled drift between aspiration and awareness—between the life being imagined and the life quietly acknowledging it might never quite arrive. Silk on the surface. Restlessness underneath. A perfect Luna move.

x. Red River Shore — Bob Dylan.

I first heard Red River Shore the same way I heard a lot of Dylan that mattered to me—by accident, or what felt like accident at the time, buried in the sprawl of one of his Bootleg records. It didn’t announce itself. It just was, sitting there, waiting, and then suddenly it wasn’t just another outtake—it was the thing I couldn’t shake.

This is Dylan at his most haunted and most restrained. No overproduction, no grand gestures, no myth-making machinery humming in the background. Just a voice, a melody, and a memory that refuses to settle. If something like Street-Legal feels overstuffed and restless, and even the later Time Out of Mind leans into atmosphere as a kind of emotional amplifier, Red River Shore strips all of that away. It’s clean, but not simple. Bare, but not empty. The song circles around a figure—maybe a woman, maybe an idea, maybe a version of the self that no longer exists—and it never quite resolves what that figure is. That ambiguity is the whole point. Dylan doesn’t give you a stable object to hold onto; he gives you the feeling of reaching for something that keeps receding.

The “shore” itself feels less like a place and more like a threshold, somewhere between memory and myth, where the past is always just out of reach but never fully gone. And then there’s that extraordinary turn in the middle of the song, where he brings in the story of a man from long ago who could raise the dead—a clear echo of Jesus, or at least of the idea of miraculous restoration. Dylan had already passed through his overtly Christian phase by the time this surfaced, but what’s striking is how the language of that period never really leaves him. It just changes form. Here, it’s not testimony. It’s question. If that kind of power once existed—if something lost could be brought back—what does it mean that it doesn’t seem to happen anymore? That question lands hardest when he turns back inward, toward his own invisibility. There’s a line of thought that runs through the song: maybe nobody ever saw him at all, except for that one figure from the shore.

It’s devastating in its quietness. Not anger, not even sorrow exactly—just the possibility that a life can pass largely unrecognized, that meaning can hinge on a single encounter that may or may not have been real in the first place. What’s remarkable is how controlled the longing is. Dylan has written plenty of songs that ache, that burn, that lash out, but this one doesn’t do any of that. It waits. It moves at the pace of recollection, not desire. There’s a sense that whatever happened on that shore is no longer accessible in any direct way, and yet it exerts a gravitational pull on everything that comes after. The narrator isn’t trying to get back there—he knows he can’t. He’s trying to understand why it still matters.

And like the best Dylan songs, it resists interpretation even as it invites it. Is this about a lost love? A spiritual dislocation? A life not lived? Yes, and no. It holds all of those possibilities without collapsing into any one of them. It’s a song about memory as an unstable medium—how it distorts, preserves, elevates, and traps all at once. There’s a quietness to the performance that makes it feel almost private, like something not meant for a wide audience. That’s part of why it lands so hard. It doesn’t feel like a statement; it feels like a confession overheard, or maybe even a thought that slipped out before it could be edited.

Dylan has written hundreds of great songs across more phases than most artists could survive, but Red River Shore sits in a category of its own. It doesn’t rely on his persona, his legend, or even his voice at its most forceful. It relies on something deeper: his ability to inhabit uncertainty without trying to resolve it. That’s why it stays with you. Not because it explains anything, but because it refuses to.

x. Every Grain of Sand — Bob Dylan

I first heard Every Grain of Sand at 6:30 in the morning on AM radio when Bootleg Series I–III dropped in 1991, and I rushed out to buy the box set—my first ever CD purchase. The song is perfect. It summarizes Dylan’s restless, intense, questioning of his faith and suggests both belief and doubt in a truly majestic way.

To get to a song like this, Dylan had to pass through a dozen different selves. The early pure folk troubadour, the protest voice of a generation, the electric poet of love and surrealism, the mid-period wanderer—all of it accumulates here. By the time he reaches the so-called Christian era, he’s already lived several artistic lives. You can hear the turbulence of that transition in records like Street-Legal, with its overproduction and relative lyrical sprawl, before the much cleaner, more direct Slow Train Coming sharpens the message into something more doctrinal, more certain. And yet Every Grain of Sand doesn’t sound certain at all. That’s what makes it extraordinary.

Even coming out of a period of apparent conversion—shaped, at least in part, by the orbit of his gospel-era collaborators and the intensity of that moment—it refuses to settle into simple testimony. It doesn’t preach. It wavers. It searches. The voice in the song is not anchored; it’s oscillating, moving between conviction and isolation, presence and absence.That tension is everything. Dylan is not resolving faith here—he’s inhabiting it, in all its instability. The sense that there might be something there, and the equally powerful sense that there might not be, coexist without canceling each other out. The song holds both, and in doing so, it becomes larger than any one phase or identity he’s ever occupied. Unbelievable.

The bootleg version—with the faint, accidental intrusion of a barking dog in the background—is far prettier and more soulful than the also great album version. It feels less finished, more human, more exposed—closer to whatever fragile truth the song is reaching toward. It’s x on the list, but one in my soul.

x. Easy / Lucky / Free — Bright Eyes.

I love Bright Eyes, but I love Conor Oberst solo even more—Cape Canaveral sits higher for me—but Easy / Lucky / Freeis a killer. It’s one of those songs that feels light on the surface—almost buoyant—but carries a depth that sneaks up on you. That’s a rare trick, and Oberst pulls it off without seeming to try. The song moves with an ease that belies how much is actually going on underneath. There’s reflection, acceptance, a kind of cautious optimism that never tips into naïveté. It feels like someone taking stock of a life that’s been messy, uncertain, sometimes self-destructive, and deciding—quietly—that it’s still worth something. Not in a grand, declarative way, but in a lived-in, almost offhand recognition.

Part of what makes the song endure is how open it is. It doesn’t force a meaning; it leaves space for you to step into it. That’s something Oberst has gotten better and better at over time. The earlier Bright Eyes records—I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning, for instance—are incredible, but they’re more immediate, more raw in their expression. By the time you get to Digital Ash in a Digital Urn, which I think is the best Bright Eyes record, the songwriting has deepened. There’s more control, more subtlety, more willingness to let a song breathe. Easy / Lucky / Free sits right in that evolution. It’s not trying to overwhelm you; it’s trying to stay with you. And it does There’s also a great conversation around the song in its afterlife.

The Dawes cover is marvelous—faithful but expanded, bringing a different kind of warmth and clarity to it. And then there’s the reciprocal moment: Oberst covering Million Dollar Bill, Dawes’ best song, on their collaboration. It’s a perfect exchange—two artists who clearly hear each other, trading songs and making them their own. Oberst is my number five artist of all time, and it’s songs like this that make that ranking feel inevitable. The songwriting has only gotten deeper with time, more assured without losing that early vulnerability. And even though Cape might sit higher, Easy / Lucky / Free is right there, doing something just as difficult in a completely different register. So, so good.

x. Double — Michael Knott

This song sits as part of a remarkable one-two punch in Knott’s catalog—Double at 14 and Rocket at 15. Rocket is the better-known, more frequently covered song, the one that tends to travel. But Double might actually be the deeper cut, the one that does more with less and lingers longer once it’s over. On its face, the song is almost disarmingly simple: a guy at a bar knocks over another guy’s drink at the pool table, offers to replace it, and the other guy asks for a double instead. The narrator digs out four bucks—his last—and buys it.

That’s the whole setup. It’s small, almost nothing. A minor act of compensation in a place where those transactions happen all the time. But Knott is never just writing the surface story. What unfolds underneath is something much heavier, something that shifts the song from anecdote to diagnosis. The bar becomes a threshold space—where the choices you make, even small ones, echo into the life waiting for you at home. The song moves forward and suddenly you’re not at the pool table anymore; you’re waking up in a house with responsibilities you can barely face. A child needs you. Your partner is trying to hold things together. There’s church, obligation, the faint outline of a life that’s supposed to be stable and meaningful, and the overwhelming sense that you are not meeting it.

And then Knott does something devastating: he reframes the entire situation through another failing marriage—the preacher, the supposed moral center, the guiding light for years, whose own life is unraveling. The implication lands hard and quietly: if even that doesn’t hold, what chance does anything else have? The song becomes about marriage—not in the sentimental or idealized sense, but in the lived reality of it. Fatigue, compromise, small resentments, moments of grace that don’t quite offset the weight of everything else. The double at the bar starts to feel like more than a drink—it’s a decision, a coping mechanism, a tiny tilt in a direction that’s already dangerous.

Knott’s work has always carried that edge of autobiography, that sense that he’s not writing about struggle so much as from within it. His battles with alcohol were real, long-standing, and central to both his life and his art—something he never fully resolved, only wrestled with in public through his songs. But while that struggle shaped him, it is not officially cited as the cause of his death, which remains undisclosed.  What makes Double so powerful is how much it trusts the listener. It doesn’t explain itself. It doesn’t moralize. It presents a series of moments—bar, home, church—and lets you connect them, lets you feel the throughline without being told what it is. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it. That’s why it might be Knott’s best song, even if Rocket gets the attention. Double doesn’t announce itself. It just sits there, quietly devastating, doing its work long after the song is over.

x. Thrasher — Neil Young.

There are so many great Neil Young songs that could go up here—On the BeachRoll Another Number for the RoadAlbuquerqueCortez the KillerPowderfinger. But it’s Thrasher that makes the list. This is a highly allusive, poetic, and suggestive song—TV, the Grand Canyon, diamonds—but it really feels like it’s about the aftermath of the 60s: its disillusionment, its lost promise, the slow realization that whatever was supposed to change didn’t quite change the way anyone thought it would. The idealism curdles, or maybe just hardens. What once felt fluid starts to set.

“They were lost in rock formations / they became park bench formations”—to me, that still reads as a shot across the bow at Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. Young keeps moving, keeps shedding skins, while the others settle, calcify, become part of the landscape they once tried to reshape. But the line opens up beyond that. “Rock formations” suggests something vast, natural, even awe-inspiring—people absorbed into something larger than themselves. “Park bench formations” is smaller, static, almost resigned—people sitting still, watching instead of acting, becoming fixtures rather than forces. That shift—from movement to stasis, from formation to being formed—feels like the real subject of the song. Not just what happened to CSNY, but what happened to a whole generation that thought it was going to keep moving forever. And then there’s the title.

What the hell is a “Thrasher,” anyway? I mean a thresher is a machine that separates grain from chaff. Something that strips away the unnecessary to get at what’s essential. But a Thrasher? In any case, the song has that quality—it cuts, it reduces, it leaves you with something bare and slightly unsettling. It’s not nostalgic. It’s diagnostic. Young only played it live once, flubbed some lines, and never went back to it. That almost adds to the mystique. It feels like a song that wasn’t meant to be repeated too often, like it captured something too specific, too transitional, to comfortably revisit. The song is delivered in Young’s patented high-pitched voice, with a finely tuned acoustic guitar that gives it a kind of fragile clarity.

It’s a beautiful song and my favorite on a long, long list of great ones.

x. April the 14th Part II— Gillian Welch

I first heard April the 14th, Part II the way a lot of the best music enters your life—over the radio, half by accident, but not really. Conor Oberst had cited it as one of his favorites, and that was enough to lean in, but the song itself did the rest. It didn’t ask for attention; it quietly demanded it. Welch’s partnership with David Rawlings is one of the great creative pairings in American music—two artists so attuned to each other that the line between writer and interpreter almost disappears. Across an extraordinary catalog, they’ve built a sound that feels both ancient and immediate, rooted in tradition but never derivative. April the 14th, Part II sits right at the center of that achievement.

The song takes its title—and its loose conceptual grounding—from the date of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination, but it doesn’t approach history in a straightforward way. Instead, it fractures it, reframes it, turns it into something lived-in and contemporary. The past isn’t something to be preserved behind glass; it’s something that leaks into the present, reshaping it in ways that aren’t always obvious. Lincoln is there, but so are highways, bars, long drives, and the peculiar loneliness of being in motion for too long. That’s where Welch’s genius shows most clearly. She understands the continuity between those worlds—the mythic American past and the far less romantic present of touring musicians, late nights, and empty miles. When she drops a line about a girl passed out in the backseat, it doesn’t feel like an aside. It feels like evidence. She knows the road—not the idea of it, not the mythology, but the actual, grinding, disorienting reality of it. The song carries that knowledge without ever turning didactic.

There’s also something deeply American in how she holds all of this together. Not patriotic, not sentimental, but recognizably American in its contradictions—history and amnesia, ambition and exhaustion, beauty and wreckage. In that sense, she stands in a clear lineage with artists like Townes Van Zandt and Emmylou Harris, inheriting their sense of narrative, their attention to emotional truth, and their ability to let a song breathe without forcing it toward resolution. And yet she never feels like an imitator. The voice, the phrasing, the perspective—it’s all distinctly her own. A true American original. April the 14th, Part II doesn’t resolve its tensions. It lets them sit. History and the present, myth and reality, movement and stasis—they all coexist without collapsing into something neat. That’s what gives the song its weight. It’s not trying to tell you what America is. It’s showing you what it feels like to live inside it. And once you hear it, you don’t forget it.

Bill Simmons’ Half-Baked Ideas

Note: Free vasectomies. Sicario Fantasy Camp. Bring back dumbwaiters. These ideas are not fully baked. That is the point.

This piece represents my first attempt to come up with some of what Bill Simmons and Kevin Wildes call “Half-Baked Ideas.” Simmons is, of course, the longtime sportswriter and podcaster whom I have discussed elsewhere on The Kyoto Kibbitzer. I roasted him pretty good in that piece, but that’s okay. He can take it.

“Half-Baked Ideas” is not my very favorite of Simmons’ recurring bits, but Simmons and Wildes are always funny, and I enjoy the bit. So, of course, I decided to try to come up with some of my own.

This proved to be a little difficult. For Half-Baked Ideas, you really have to thread the needle between complete absurdity and partial plausibility. A Half-Baked Idea can’t simply be a terrible idea. It needs to sound just reasonable enough that somebody might listen to it and think, You know, that actually might work. Then, usually about ten seconds later, the whole thing should begin to fall apart.

For my version, Simmons will be joined by his old friend Cousin Sal. Why? Because I know Cousin Sal better, and this is my website.

Half-Baked Idea #1: Free Vasectomies

SAL: Dude, I think I got one. I think this is the definition of a Half-Baked Idea.

BILL: What’s that, Sal?

SAL: Free vasectomies. Every city in America. Several locations. But here’s the thing: they have to be immediately reversible.

BILL: Okay…

SAL: Because think about it, Billy. You got a hot date with Tracy. You think you’re gonna score. You don’t want to use a condom, obviously.

BILL: Obviously?

SAL: Come on, Billy. You’ve been known to pull the goalie from time to time.

BILL: Maybe.

SAL: So you stop in on the way to dinner. Get the snip. Boom. You and Tracy get down to business. Next morning, you go back and get it reversed. No problem.

Pause.

BILL: I kind of like it.

SAL: Right?

BILL: Except then you’re getting surgery before every date.

SAL: It’s not surgery, Billy. It’s the snip.

BILL: I think the snip is still surgery.

SAL: All right, whatever. That’s why they have several locations.

END SCENE.

Half-Baked Idea #2: Sicario Fantasy Camp

BILL: Okay, Sal, I think I got a good one too.

SAL: Okay. Hit me with it.

BILL: Dude. Picture this. It’s just called Sicario Fantasy Camp.

Pause.

SAL: Hmm. I guess it could work. But how?

BILL: Well, just think about it. You get to choose from five characters. You can be Matt Graver. You can be Benicio. You can be Kate. You can be Kate’s partner. Or you can be Ted, the cowboy guy who tries to kill Kate and pays the price.

SAL: Why would anybody pick Ted?

BILL: I don’t know. Somebody’s gotta be Ted.

SAL: Okay.

BILL: Then you spend the weekend doing Sicario things. You get the sunglasses. The tactical gear. You ride around in a convoy—

SAL: Where?

BILL: Arizona. Somewhere. And, Sal, get this.

SAL: What?

BILL: You get to fly a drone.

SAL: A real drone?

BILL: Yeah.

SAL: With missiles?

BILL: No, Sal. They’re not gonna give you missiles.

SAL: Well, then what am I doing with the drone?

BILL: Sicario things.

Pause.

SAL: I don’t know, Bill. Sounds a little complex. And the movie’s kinda old.

BILL: Come on, Sally. Everybody loves Sicario, right?

SAL: Yeah, Bill. You do, anyway.

Later, at the pitch meeting

Several executives sit across the table from Simmons.

EXECUTIVE: Okay, Bill. And what exactly do people do in Arizona for the whole weekend?

Pause.

BILL: Sicario things.

END SCENE.

Half-Baked Idea #3: Bring Back Dumbwaiters

BILL: Okay, Sal, we gotta wrap soon. What’s your last one?

SAL: Okay, Bill. I’ve been thinking about this one for a little while.

BILL: Okay.

SAL: I don’t have it fully worked out yet.

BILL: Great start.

SAL: But basically, it’s: bring dumbwaiters back.

BILL: Dumbwaiters?

SAL: Yeah.

BILL: Were they gone?

SAL: Exactly, Billy. That’s the problem. Nobody knows.

BILL: Okay, but that’s not quite what I meant.

SAL: Think about how much shit you carry around your house every day. Food. Drinks. Laundry. Amazon boxes. Whatever. Why am I carrying this stuff upstairs myself? It’s 2026.

BILL: So you want an elevator for your sandwich.

SAL: Not just the sandwich, Billy. Anything.

BILL: How big is this dumbwaiter?

SAL: I don’t know. Pretty big.

BILL: Can a person fit in it?

SAL: No.

Pause.

SAL: Maybe a kid.

BILL: Sal.

SAL: I’m not saying you put the kid in there. I’m saying technically the kid fits.

BILL: Okay, so now every house in America has this child-sized elevator going between floors.

SAL: Exactly.

BILL: That seems incredibly dangerous.

SAL: Well, we’ll put a sticker on it or something.

BILL: Okay, sure, Sal.

END SCENE.

And the drone is the next beat:

BILL: Then you spend the weekend doing Sicario things. You get the sunglasses, the tactical gear. You ride around in a convoy—

SAL: Where?

BILL: Arizona. Somewhere. And, Sal, get this.

SAL: What?

BILL: You get to fly a drone.

Pause.

SAL: A real drone?

BILL: Yeah.

SAL: With missiles?

BILL: No, Sal. They’re not gonna give you missiles.

SAL: Well, then what am I doing with the drone?

BILL: Sicario things

The Most Insane People of All Time (aka You’re Outta Control!): #4 Azalia Banks

I just wanna sip the punch with your peeps and
Sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’

— Azealia Banks, “212”

I. Introduction

In my opinion, Azealia Banks is the greatest rapper of all time.

I do not say this lightly.

These days, I don’t listen to much rap and hip-hop. I regret this a bit. However, life is short, there is a lot to do, and there is simply too much music to listen to. I am familiar with and enjoy a number of hip-hop artists, mostly from the late 1980s and 1990s: LL Cool J, Sir Mix-a-Lot, Wu-Tang Clan, KRS-One and A Tribe Called Quest, among others. I especially like A Tribe Called Quest’s “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo.”

Of course you did, dude. You went to El Segundo. You lost your fucking wallet. Naturally.

I also enjoy the more jazz-inflected end of the genre: De La Soul, Digable Planets and Basehead. Among later artists, I know Nas, Kendrick Lamar and Kanye West to varying degrees. Kanye is, of course, completely outta control. I do not believe I am alone at this point in saying that I do not care for Kanye West as a person. His flirtation with Nazi imagery and rhetoric is indefensible. Nevertheless, Kanye is certainly a talented artist, and I do like—or at least once liked—My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Its lyrical density and imagination are something to behold.

However other than Azealia, my favorite rap group remains Public Enemy.

Public Enemy arrived when hip-hop was still a relatively young genre, and pushed it into territory that was denser, louder, angrier, more political and, to my ears anyway, considerably more interesting. I respect N.W.A. and their place in the tradition. I like “Fuck tha Police” well enough. Ice Cube obviously went on to enormous fame and fortune, and Eazy-E had a tough life. RIP. Nonetheless, for my money, Public Enemy is the more important and enjoyable group. “911 Is a Joke” is great. “Welcome to the Terrordome” is my favorite Public Enemy song. Terradome rules.

So I guess at the end of the day I do regard Chuck D as the greatest rap/hip-hop lyricist of all time. However, these days I don’t find myself listening to Public Enemy all that often. “212,” on the other hand, I listen to regularly.

And baby, here we go.

212

It only makes sense to start with “212.”

Azealia Banks released “212” in 2011, when she was twenty years old. It subsequently appeared on her four-song 1991 EP in 2012 and, eventually, on her debut album Broke with Expensive Taste in 2014. 

“212” is stuffed with the most amazing collection of rhymes, near-rhymes, internal rhymes and alliteration I have ever heard. I understand that hip-hop and rap lyrics depend on these techniques and that plenty of rappers have demonstrated extraordinary mastery of them.

Azealia, in my opinion, takes the whole thing to another level.

My favorite line in the song, by far, is not even one of the blue lines:

I just wanna sip that punch with your peeps and / Sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’

I love this line so very much, primarily because it establishes Azealia’s modus operandi when it comes to her business and career.

Azealia is on the come-up. She’s going places. She has designs on the crown. The girl has talent for days, and the industry is listening. But the second half is arguably even more essential to understanding how Azealia works.

She wants to sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’. Then or now, Azealia Banks is the last person who is ever going to pay for lunch.

This, incidentally, makes the eventual title Broke with Expensive Taste almost impossibly perfect.

And then we get this:

I’m the one today / I’m the new shit, boo / Young Rapunzel / Who are you, bitch? New lunch?

Followed, repeatedly, by this immortal threat:

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

Of course you are, Azealia. Of course you are.

The funny thing is that these lines would prove somewhat prophetic.

Azealia clearly thought she was the shit.

I agree.

“212” was an extraordinary announcement of a young artist who seemed capable of doing almost anything. Contemporary critics heard it too. When Pitchfork reviewed 1991 the following year, the publication was already emphasizing the slyness beneath Banks’s aggression and the enormous expectations surrounding her. 

And then Azealia started ruining people. For real.

I’ma Ruin You Cunt

Azealia Banks has been involved in so many public feuds that trying to compile a complete list would require an entirely separate essay.

This is not that essay. Instead we will take a few representative samples.

There was Zayn Malik. In 2016 Banks accused the former One Direction singer of copying her aesthetic. That dispute escalated into an extraordinarily ugly series of racist and homophobic attacks from Banks. Then the fourteen-year-old Disney actress Skai Jackson made the apparently catastrophic decision to tell Azealia to simmer down.

Baby no.

You do not tell Azealia Banks to simmer down. No one does. Azaalia does not settle. Period.

Banks promptly opened another front, this time against a fourteen-year-old girl. Sure babes, why not. Ruis her too. Just because. Twitter suspended her account, and a UK festival subsequently dropped her from its lineup. This is one of the places where we can move beyond speculation about whether Azealia’s behavior damaged her career. Here it plainly did. 

And then there was Grimes.

Oh my God. Baby take an aspirin. Now.

In 2018 Banks went to Los Angeles expecting to collaborate with Grimes and ended up at the house Grimes shared with Elon Musk. The proposed musical collaboration went nowhere. Obviously. Banks hung around for a bit and then things got weird. Real weird.

Banks began posting about the experience publicly, describing her time with Grimes and Elon as bizarre and increasingly hostile terms and making allegations about Musk and drug use. Musk denied the drug allegation. But somehow an aborted Azealia Banks/ Grimes recording session had become entangled with Musk’s already notorious “funding secured” Tesla tweet and the securities controversy surrounding it.

That’s the thing about Azealia.

She can start out trying to make a song with another musician and somehow end up adjacent to a federal securities investigation involving one of the richest men on Earth.

How?

Because she is Azealia Banks baby. And you are not. No other explanation required.

And these were hardly isolated incidents. She feuded with T.I. and Iggy Azalea. She attacked Perez Hilton. Of course. She criticized Pharrell, Baauer and Disclosure. Pitchfork noted as early as 2014 that some of these fights were no longer merely entertaining sideshows: they were costing her potentially valuable collaborators. She was hurting career for no apparent reasons. At all.

Azealia would gun down anybody. She does not give a single shit.

Men. Women. Musicians. Producers. Celebrities. Minor celebrities. People who were minding their own business. People who were very much not minding their own business. Teenagers. Whoever. Whatever. Funk em all Azealia. Fuck em all.

It didn’t matter.

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

And she did.

Broke with Expensive Taste

The tragedy—or comedy, depending on how you look at it—is that through all of this Azealia Banks remained enormously talented.

Her debut album, Broke with Expensive Taste, finally appeared in November 2014 after years of delays and a disastrous relationship with Interscope Records. Banks had gotten herself released from her deal and retained the rights to the recordings. The record finally came out on her terms. More or less. 

And the critics liked it. Quite a lot, actually.

The Guardian described a record luxuriating in sound and language, bouncing around among underground club music, house, garage and stranger territory. Pitchfork heard essentially the same thing: an artist jumping almost recklessly among genres, held together by Banks’s own voice and formidable technical ability. 

I recently listened to Broke with Expensive Taste again and really enjoyed it. Some of it runs a little long for me, but there is great stuff all over the record.

All this complicates the easy story.

It would be simple to say Azealia Banks destroyed her career because she couldn’t stop fighting with people. It would also be wrong.

The record industry contributed plenty to the mess. Her relationship with Interscope was dysfunctional. Banks believed the label simply did not understand the record she wanted to make. There is some evidence that she was right. Broke with Expensive Taste is a strange record. It is difficult to classify. It does not sound particularly interested in behaving like a conventional major-label rap debut.

Indeed, after Banks finally got out of the Interscope arrangement, she told Pitchfork that other labels liked the album but remained wary of her. Banks laughed about her reputation. 

So the record-company story and the Azealia story meet somewhere in the middle.

The industry didn’t know what to do with her. Azealia frequently didn’t know what to do with Azealia. She is, of course, totally outta control at all times.

And nobody knew what the fuck was going on.

The Prophecy

There is one more remarkable thing about “212.”

Amid all the obscenity, comedy, sexual swagger, threats and spectacular displays of technical skill, Banks suddenly turns the camera around.

She warns herself:

Why are you procrastinating? You have all this talent. Baby you’re wasting it. People are going to forget you, and when they do, ultimately you’ll have yourself to blame.

TIME noticed the eerie quality of this almost immediately when Broke with Expensive Taste finally appeared in 2014. What had sounded in 2011 like the self-motivation of an extraordinarily ambitious young artist three years later sounded like prophecy. 

That strikes me as much more interesting than another catalogue of Azealia Banks saying outrageous shit on the internet.

Because the talent is real. The promise is real. The record is real.

And this is why Azealia Banks drives me so nuts.

I don’t particularly care that she’s badly behaved. Plenty of great artists are badly behaved.

I care because she’s so fucking talented.

“212” remains an astonishing piece of writing. To me, the song feels as fresh today as it did when it was released. The rhymes and internal rhymes are off the hook. The alliteration is just nuts. The profanity is dialed to 11. And the song makes me crack up every single time I hear it.

Brother just listen to what this woman could do.

Baby told us in 2011.

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

Shut the fuck up Azealia. But I will say this: you certainly ruined a lot of people along the way.

But nobody ever did more damage to Azealia Banks than Azealia Banks.

Dedication:

For Azealia Banks. Baby, you’re completely out of all reasonable and rational control. And that’s why I love you so very, very much. Baby.

Beavis and Butthead Play Two

Note: A couple of months ago, I wrote my first play about the love of my life, Elodie. It is called Wayfarer. Today, I’m pleased to publish my first TV script.

The script is, of course, a Beavis and Butt-Head episode.

I’ve wanted to do one of these for the longest time, simply because Beavis and Butt-Head are completely fucking hysterical. I know the show is a bit old at this point, and one could argue that the humor is sophomoric. Probably so. But that’s the point.

For anyone who somehow missed them, Beavis and Butt-Head are Mike Judge’s two magnificently stupid teenage metal heads, unleashed on MTV in the early 1990s to watch music videos, insult everything and everything they encountered, misunderstand nearly everything happening around them, and occasionally stumble into something resembling wisdom. They are idiots, but they are very particular idiots. There is a strange precision to their stupidity, and after all these years their friendship remains weirdly endearing.

I love the Beavis and Butt-Head universe, and I plan to write several more of these. Stay tuned.

This first one sends the boys to Chicago for a Cubs doubleheader. There is a girl. There is a box of love letters. There is a Chevy Suburban outfitted for bass fishing. There is George Brett.

Naturally.

Epigraphs:

It’s a great day for a ball game; let’s play two!
— Ernie Banks

Change it Butthead.
— Beavis

Shut the fuck Beavis.
— Butthead

I: Beavis’ Birthday

PING-PONG.

Butt-Head looks toward the front door.

“No.”

“Beavis.”

“Beavis. Someone’s at the door. Go get it.”

“You get it, Butt-Head.”

“Okay, Beavis. Let’s go together.”

The boys get off the couch and approach the door.

Stuart is standing outside in his Winger T-shirt.

“Hey, guys. I heard it was Beavis’s birthday. You guys wanna hang out?”

“No,” Butt-Head says.

He begins to close the door.

“Wait a minute,” Beavis says.

Butt-Head stops.

“What?”

“He does have a point.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It is my birthday, Butt-Head.”

“Yeah, dumbass. I know.”

Butt-Head pauses.

“But yeah. Happy birthday, Beavis.”

“Thanks, buddy.”

“Now shut up Beavis.”

Stuart is still standing outside.

“So you guys wanna hang out or what?”

“No,” Butt-Head says. “We have important stuff to do.”

“Yeah,” Beavis says. “Important birthday stuff.”

“We’re going to Chicago, Stuart.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We’re going to see the Cubs tomorrow.”

“It’s a doubleheader,” Beavis says.

Stuart smiles.

“That sounds pretty cool.”

“Shut up, Stuart,” Butt-Head says.

He begins to close the door again.

“Wait,” Beavis says.

“What?”

“You forgot to tell him.”

“Tell him what?”

Beavis lowers his voice.

“Amanda.”

“Oh yeah.”

Stuart looks from Beavis to Butt-Head.

“Who’s Amanda?”

Beavis’s face changes.

“Amanda,” he says reverently.

“She’s a ball girl for the Cubs,” Butt-Head says.

“She’s hot,” Beavis says. “She wants me.”

“Shut the fuck up, Beavis. She doesn’t want you. She wants me.”

“No dude. She wants me. But whatever. Why do you think Butt-head that she wants you.”

“I saw her on TV.”

“You were on TV Butthead?”

“She was on TV, dumbass.”

“Oh yeah. I forget”

Stuart looks confused.

“What”s going on?” said Stewart “What’s a ball girl?”

The boys stare at him.

Butt-Head closes the door.

“Stuart, you need to leave.”


II: Uncle Ken

A Chevy Suburban rolls up outside the house.

It belongs to Beavis’ Uncle Ken, a Chevy dealer from greater Kansas City. The Suburban is outfitted for bass fishing and elk hunting. One of Ken’s major clients is George Brett, the former star of the Kansas City Royals.

Ken parks and gets out.

Beavis and Butt-Head are sitting shirtless in lawn chairs, drinking forties.

Improbably, the boys have found an extension cord and snaked it outside. A small black-and-white television sits between them, playing music videos.

Ken lights a Camel.

“You boys ready for your first ball game?”

“Yeah, Ken,” Butt-Head says. “I guess.”

“Thanks, Uncle Ken,” Beavis says. “You rule.”

“Ok. Let’s go.”

A few drops of rain begin to fall. Beavis picks up the television and puts it under the awning to protect it.

The boys leave the lawn chairs where they are. They climb into the Suburban, still shirtless.

They both sit in the back.

Ken passes them a bag containing sandwiches, chips, oranges and iced tea. Beavis looks inside.

“Thanks, Uncle Ken. You rule.”

Butt-Head lowers his voice.

“Beavis, your uncle may rule, but he also needs to shut the fuck up.”

“Why?”

“There’s not enough food to get us to Chicago.”

“Dumbass. We can stop on the way.”

“Oh yeah.”

Ken butts his cigarette in the front ashtray. The boys throw theirs out the window.

A few minutes later, Butt-Head leans forward.

“Hey, Ken.”

“Yeah?”

“Was this really George Brett’s Suburban?”

“Yeah, Butt-Head. It sure was.”

“Whoa.”

Beavis looks around the interior.

“George Brett played baseball.”

“Yeah, Beavis. Everybody knows that.”

“Oh yeah.”

Butt-Head leans farther toward the front seat.

“Hey, Ken.”

“What?”

His voice drops.

“But did George Brett score in here?”

Ken looks at him in the rearview mirror.

“I don’t know. Probably.”

The boys look at each other.

“Whoa dude”


III: The Motel 6

The rest of the drive passes without incident.

Around seven, Ken pulls into a roadside Motel 6. Beavis looks through the window at the motel.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“It’s a motel.”

“Yeah.”

“We’re gonna score.”

“Oh yeah, Beavis. We’re gonna score all right.”

Ken overhears them from the front seat.

“Boys, if you’re really serious about scoring tonight, there’s a truck stop right over there.”

The boys look over.

“I don’t know for sure,” Ken continues, “but I’ve heard there are a lot of lot lizards around there at night.”

Beavis looks at Butt-Head.

“What the fuck is a lot lizard?”

“Shut up, Beavis. A lot lizard is just another word for a lady of the night.”

“Oh yeah.”

They eat chicken-fried steak at a diner beside the motel. By ten-thirty, Uncle Ken is asleep.

Beavis and Butt-Head are not.

They stand outside their motel room drinking two of Uncle Ken’s beers.

“Beavis.”

“Yeah?”

“You wanna go find those lizards?”

“Yeah. Heh heh.”

They walk across the parking lot toward the truck stop.

There are no lot lizards. There are, however, approximately forty trucks.

Beavis stops beside one.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“Do you think George Brett ever drove a truck?”

“No, dumbass. George Brett played baseball.”

“Oh yeah.”

They continue walking.

After a moment Butt-Head stops.

“Although he did have a Suburban.”

“Yeah.”

They both consider this.

“Maybe he drove a truck.”

“Yeah, dude. Maybe.”

The boys return to the motel around eleven. Ken has his own room. Beavis and Butt-Head share a twin room.

Beavis sits on his bed.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“We got the big game tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“Is tonight the night we finally cuddle?”

“Shut up, Beavis. I’m not gonna cuddle with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you smell, Beavis.”

“Oh yeah.”

Butt-Head points to the bed by the wall.

“I’m sleeping on this one.”

“Fine, Butt-Head.”

“Good night, Beavis.”

“Good night, Butt-Head.”

Beavis turns out his light and prepares to go to sleep. Butt-Head leaves his light on.

He takes out a small box. Inside are twenty Xeroxed letters.

Beavis raises his head.

“What are you doing, Butt-Head?”

“I’m reading my letters to Amanda, dumbass.”

“Oh yeah. I guess you do that every night, huh, Butt-Head?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you do that, Butt-Head?”

“Come off it, dude. I’m in love with her. What do you think?”

“Oh yeah.”


IV: The Cubs Game

The next morning, the three eat breakfast and continue to Chicago. By noon they are outside Wrigley Field. The boys are wearing their shirts again.

A man is standing over a barbecue grill surrounded by about a dozen people. This is George Brett.

“Ken.”

“George.”

They shake hands.

George looks at Beavis and Butt-Head.

“These the boys?”

“Yep.”

Butt-Head looks at George.

“Hey, George.”

“Hey.”

Beavis looks at the grill.

“Are those hamburgers?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I have one?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks, George. You rule.”

George hands him a hamburger.

Butt-head says “Hey, George.”

“Yeah?”

“Was that really your Suburban?”

“Yeah.”

“Sweet.”

Pause.

“I mean, did you ever score in it?”

George looks at him.

“Probably.”

The boys look at each other.

“Whoa.”


They have box seats on the first base line. Before entering the park, the boys put four beers from the Suburban into their pants. Improbably, this works.

The game starts, and Butt-Head immediately begins looking for Amanda.

“Beavis.”

“What?”

“There she is.”

“Where?”

“Down there, dumbass.”

Butt-Head points toward the field. Amanda is working along the first-base line.

Beavis stares at her.

“Whoa.”

“Yeah.”

“She’s hot.”

“Shut up, Beavis.”

“But she is.”

“I know. That’s why I’m in love with her.”

“Oh yeah.”

The game begins.

For most of the first three innings, neither boy watches it.

Every time Amanda moves, Butt-Head points her out.

“There she is.”

“I know, Butt-Head.”

“There she is again.”

“I know.”

“Dude. She just picked up a ball.”

“Whoa.”

“She rules.”

“Yeah.”

A foul ball comes toward their section.

Both boys stand.

“Whoa!”

The ball lands approximately twenty rows away.

They sit down.

“Baseball sucks,” Butt-Head says.

“Yeah, it does.”

During the seventh-inning stretch, George Brett leans toward Butt-Head.

“Hey, Butt-Head.”

“Yeah, George?”

“If you’re really serious about this Amanda chick, I can get you down there after the game.”

Butt-Head stares at him.

“No way.”

“Sure. I know some people. I can get you into the clubhouse.”

Beavis leans across Butt-Head.

“That would be awesome, George. You rule.”

“I know.”

Butt-Head looks back toward Amanda.

Just before the ninth inning, Beavis leans over and whispers in Butt-Head’s ear.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“I gotta tell you something.”

“What?”

“Well, the thing is, I’ve been watching Amanda all game.”

“Yeah.”

“And I think I’m in love with her too.”

Butt-Head slowly turns toward him.

“Shut the fuck up, Beavis.”

“I’m serious.”

“You can’t be in love with Amanda. I’m in love with Amanda.”

“Yeah, but I’m in love with her too.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, Beavis. You just think she’s hot.”

Beavis considers this.

“Yeah.”

A beat.

“But I also love her.”

“Dumbass. She’s mine.”

A few minutes later, Amanda looks toward their section.

“Dude,” Beavis says. “She looked up here.”

“She looked at me, Beavis.”

“She looked kind of to the left.”

“I’m to the left, dumbass.”

“No, I’m to your left.”

Butt-Head looks around.

“Oh yeah.”


V: Meeting Amanda

After the game, George takes Ken and the boys into a small lounge adjoining the clubhouse. Butt-Head is clutching his box of letters.

Beavis, improbably, has gone to the bathroom and washed his face. He is trying to look his best for Amanda.

Amanda enters the lounge. A couple of tables have been set up with drinks and snacks.

“Amanda,” George says. “This is Beavis and Butt-Head.”

“Hi, guys. Thanks for coming to the game today. Did you have a good time?”

Beavis speaks up.

“We had a great time, Amanda. And the best part was seeing you.”

“Shut up, Beavis.”

Butt-Head looks at Amanda.

“But yeah. He’s right. You’re super hot.”

Amanda blushes slightly.

“Why, thank you, guys.”

“Anytime,” Butt-Head says.

They sit down.

George, Ken and the boys crack beers. Amanda has a lime spritzer.

Beavis takes out his cigarettes.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“Can we smoke in here?”

“No, dumbass.”

“Why not?”

Butt-Head looks around.

“I have no idea.”

“Oh yeah.”

Beavis puts his cigarettes away. After a while, George stands.

“Well, I guess it’s time for me to say goodbye.”

“George, do you really have to go?” Ken asks.

“Yeah, Ken. Busy day tomorrow.”

“Well, George, it was great seeing you.”

“Good seeing you too.”

Beavis looks at him.

“Yeah, George. It was great to meet you. You rule.”

Butt-Head nods.

“Yeah, George. You rule.”

“Thanks, guys.”

George Brett leaves. Ken and the boys crack another beer. Amanda is still working on her lime spritzer.

Butt-Head looks at her.

“Hey, Amanda.”

“Yeah?”

“Did you ever get my letters?”

“Yeah, Butt-Head. I saw one or two.”

Beavis leans forward.

“Well, he only wrote like a thousand.”

“Shut up, Beavis. I wrote twenty. I counted.”

Beavis looks at him.

“Butt-Head, you can count?”

“Shut up, Beavis. Yes, I can.”

“I’m just saying.”

Amanda smiles.

“I thought the letters were sweet.”

Butt-Head looks at Beavis.

“See, dumbass.”

He opens the box.

“I brought them.”

Amanda looks inside.

“All twenty?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Butt-Head pauses.

“In case you forgot.”

“Oh.”

Beavis is getting impatient to speak to Amanda.

“Hey, Amanda.”

“Yeah?”

“I washed my face.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah.”

A beat.

“I did that for you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Butt-Head looks at him.

“Dumbass.”

Amanda finishes her lime spritzer. She stands and stretches.

“Well, guys, I should probably get going.”

Butt-Head stands immediately.

“Yeah. Me too.”

Beavis stands.

“Yeah. Me too.”

“You guys have a good trip home.”

“Thanks, Amanda,” Beavis says.

“Yeah,” Butt-Head says. “Thanks.”

Amanda waves.

“Bye, guys.”

“Bye, Amanda.”

She leaves.

The boys remain standing. Beavis looks at Butt-Head.

“Did you score?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

Another beat.

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

Ken finishes his beer.

“You boys ready?”

“Yeah.”


VI

The cab pulls up outside the Hyatt.

Ken pays the driver. Beavis and Butt-Head climb out.

They walk toward the entrance.

“Hey, Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“I think we came pretty close.”

“No, we didn’t, Beavis.”

“Oh yeah.”

They enter the hotel.

Later, Ken says good night and retires to his room.

Beavis and Butt-Head return to theirs.

Butt-Head points to the bed by the wall.

“Beavis. That’s mine.”

“Yeah, Butt-Head. I know.”

The boys are tired from their long day. They crawl into bed and turn out the lights.

The television remains on.

“Hey, Butt-Head.”

“Yeah, Beavis?”

“We tried our best.”

“Shut up, Beavis.”

A beat.

“But yeah. I guess we did.”

They watch television.

“1979” by the Smashing Pumpkins is playing.

“Beavis.”

“Yeah?”

“Turn it down a little.”

Beavis turns it down a little.

“This song sucks.”

“Yeah.”

Beavis changes the channel.

Peter Gabriel’s “Red Rain” is playing.

Butt-Head looks at the television.

“Beavis.”

“Yeah?”

“Isn’t this that song from the movie?”

“What movie?”

Say Anything, dumbass. With John Cusack.”

“Oh yeah. He sucks.”

“Of course he sucks, Beavis. But he also rules a little bit.”

Beavis considers this.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

They watch a little longer.

“This song is lame,” Butt-Head says.

“I don’t know. I think it’s kinda sweet.”

Butt-Head turns toward him.

“Shut up, Beavis. This song sucks.”

FIN

On Conor Oberst’s “Cape Canaveral”: The Greatest Song of All Time

Note:

I have been working for several months on pretty challenging project: ranking my top 250 favorite songs of all time. Yeah I know. It’s a lot.

There are now nearly 500 songs under consideration for what I continue, somewhat inaccurately, to call my Top 250. Songs rise. Songs fall. Songs appear from nowhere and kick the living shit out of songs I have loved for thirty years.

And then something genuinely unexpected happened.

For the past decade of more, Emmylou Harris’s “Tulsa Queen” has been my favorite song of all time. I assumed it probably always would be.

I was wrong,

The new number one is Conor Oberst’s “Cape Canaveral.”

This essay is partly about that song and partly about the forty-plus years of listening that somehow brought me to it: childhood folk records, American musical history, Emmylou Harris, Bob Dylan, Craig Finn, Bright Eyes, Better Oblivion Community Center, Ryan Adams, live music, and the strange experience of discovering that a song you have known for years has suddenly become something else entirely.

Music rules, everybody.

Long live music.

Epigraphs:

Music rules
—Evervbody

I support the French Revolution
—Dean Wareham

I heard that victory’s sweet/ even deep in the cheap seats
—Conor Oberst

Introduction:

For the last several months on the Kyoto Kibbitzer, I’ve been working on a piece entitled “The Top 250 Songs of All Time.” This is, of course my list, and it is therefore entirely subjective. Nevertheless, it is the product of more than forty years of intensive, daily listening to music of all kinds.

“Cape Canaveral,” by Conor Oberst, recently displaced “Tulsa Queen” as my number-one song of all time.

This is no small thing. “Tulsa Queen” has been my favorite song for at least ten years, possibly longer. The first full album of hers that I fell in love with was the 2008 live record Spyboy. I knew of Emmylou before that, of course, and I especially liked “’Til I Gain Control Again,” which at that point I knew largely through the immaculate This Mortal Coil cover. I was also familiar with her connection to Gram Parsons, and knew how devastated she had been by his death. I knew songs like “Boulder to Birmingham,” and I may or may not have heard “Tulsa Queen” a time or two. I don’r know. It was all a long time ago.

In any case, it was Spyboy that really made me pay attention to Emmylou for the first time. I devoured the record and loved it. I still do.

Listening For Something

By the time I heard Spyboy, I had already listened intensively to hundreds and hundreds—probably thousands—of records. In fact, my relationship with music goes much farther back than that.

When I was six or seven, Joan Baez’s “The Sweet Sunny South” was the first song I truly fell in love with. It simply captivated me. About a year earlier, I had dug an old record of American folk songs out of what we called the “back closet,” which was actually the front closet. I forget the title. It was something straightforward, along the lines of The Greatest American Folk Songs.

The song I really fell in love with was “The Big Rock Candy Mountain.” This song contains the great verse:

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
You never change your socks,
And the little streams of alcohol
Come a-trickling down the rocks

I understood the song, even then, to be a fantasy of escape: the mythical paradise of the hobo, where ordinary deprivation and misery have somehow been turned upside down.

American musical history fascinates me. In the mid-twentieth century, collectors such as Alan Lomax preserved thousands upon thousands of American folk performances that might otherwise have disappeared. Those archives remain an invaluable resource for musicians, critics, historians, and ordinary music fans alike.

I’ve poked around in archives like Lomax’s myself, and I find them endlessly fascinating. My primary musical preference remains American and British folk and Americana. I also love most forms of country music, although, to be honest, some popular country gets a little too saccharine and sappy for me.

I also love indie and alternative rock, especially the indie music of the 1990s and early aughts. As I’ve written elsewhere, I don’t keep up with new music these days as much as I probably should. I do try to keep up with new releases from favorite active artists: Conor Oberst, Craig Finn, Sun Kil Moon, Ryan Adams, Neil Young, and even Bob Dylan, who remarkably continues making music well into old age.

And this brings me back to “Cape Canaveral.”

When I finally fully appreciated the song, I realized something strange:

I had been listening for it my entire life.

Cape Canaveral

For my money, “Cape Canaveral” is primarily a song about escape.

It is also a song about the vicissitudes of patriotism, about being an American, about the Fourth of July, and the American space program. It is one of the sweetest songs I have ever heard. It is also super sad. Conor just has a way of breaking a guy’s heart.

There is one particular acoustic live performance on KCRW in 2014 that I particularly love. Conor introduces the song by talking casually to the audience about his big backyard in Omaha, being outside at night, looking up at the stars, and relaxing with whoever happens to be beside you. Then the first few notes hit, and the effect is devastating.

I love music. I love live music the most. I also love musicians introducing their songs. I’ve written about this at some length elsewhere. These little introductions can become almost as important to me as the songs themselves. They cement a song in a place and a moment. They also give you a little insight into the artistic process, which I find super cool.

And then the song starts.

What gets me first is the sound. “Cape Canaveral” is remarkably spare. Conor doesn’t overplay things. The acoustic guitar carries the song along gently, and his voice sounds simultaneously intimate and far away. The whole thing has the quality of somebody sitting outside late at night, thinking about his life while everyone else has gone to bed.

And then there are the images: rockets, orange groves, interstate highways, television, war movies, stars, cheap seats. The song keeps moving between the enormous and the ordinary: outer space and somebody’s backyard; American history and private memory; the grand technological dream of the space program and one lonely human being trying to understand where he is.

That scale is part of what makes the song so beautiful to me. The rocket goes up. The stars get smaller. Everything changes.

And then there is the line that just breaks my heart every time:

Victory’s sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

FUCK YEAH CONOR. You know it, baby.

And underneath all of this, I hear escape.

That is the thread that connects “Cape Canaveral” to “The Big Rock Candy Mountain” for me. One song imagines a hobo’s paradise and the other looks toward rockets, highways, and the night sky, but both contain the same ancient human impulse: maybe there is somewhere else to go.

Maybe there is some kind of life beyond this one. Maybe if you keep moving long enough, something will finally open up for ya.

For now, anyway, “Cape Canaveral” is my favorite song of all time.

Is Conor Obrest My Favorite Songwriter?

As I write this today, when I really think about it, Conor Oberst may be my favorite songwriter of all time.

Actually, I have three favorite songwriters and a close fourth. My three are Conor Oberst, my current favorite; Bob Dylan, the historical champion; and Craig Finn.

Until very recently, I would have sworn to you that Finn was—and probably always would remain—my favorite songwriter. But it has now been a few weeks since I replaced “Tulsa Queen” with “Cape Canaveral,” and during that time I have probably listened to “Cape Canaveral” eighty or a hundred times. Sometimes I listen on Spotify. More often, I return to the live performance.

Conor first burst onto the scene as a teenage wunderkind with Bright Eyes. I like Bright Eyes a lot. I especially love “Easy/Lucky/Free” and “Gold Mine Gutted,” both from 2008’s Digital Ash in a Digital Urn. This is a curious and funny title, and I like it.

A lot of people also know I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning. I like that record too, but it has never really floated my boat.

When it comes to Conor’s solo catalog, however—and then Better Oblivion Community Center, his collaboration with Phoebe Bridgers—the picture starts to shift.

In addition to “Cape Canaveral,” I love “Classic Cars,” and “A Little Uncanny,” which is totally out of control. I love “Next of Kin,” including this wonderfully deadpan line:

Yeah I met Lou Reed and Patty Smith
I didn’t make me feel different.

I liked these lines so much that I used them as an epigraph to an earlier piece.

I love “No One Changes,” one of Conor’s saddest songs. I love “I Don’t Want to Die (In the Hospital),” which is also extremely funny. I love “The Rockaways.” I love so many of his songs.

And then there is Better Oblivion Community Center.

When I first hear the record, the immediate standout was “Dylan Thomas.” I wrote about it almost immediately in an essay called “On the Song Dylan Thomas and Rhyme.”

I wrote that piece very fast—in ten or twelve minutes, as I recall—while standing on a train from Akasaka Station to Tokyo Station.

I’m proud of the piece. Quite improbably, it has also experienced a dramatic resurgence in readers recently.

I find all this very exciting. It makes me proud to be a writer and proud to have kept a near-daily blog for all these years. I love writing. I love reading. I love everything about them, and I always have.

There are many other great Conor and Bright Eyes songs I could name, but the list would tale up too much space. Suffice it to say that today I believe Conor Oberst and Craig Finn are the two greatest songwriters working, while Dylan remains the historical champion.

Ryan Adams

If Conor is my current favorite, Finn is tied or running a very close second, and Dylan remains the historical champion, I would be remiss not to mention Ryan Adams in the four spot.

There is one ugly episode in Conor’s history worth addressing first. In 2013, a woman publicly accused Oberst of raping her after a Bright Eyes concert years earlier. Oberst denied it. The woman subsequently retracted the accusation entirely apologized, and admitted that she had fabricated it.

Making a knowingly false accusation of rape is an appalling thing to do. It harms the falsely accused person, and it also makes life harder for actual victims of sexual violence. Rape is an atrocious crime. Deliberately inventing one is a different act with different consequences, and there is no reason for me to construct some kind of grand hierarchy here. The relevant point is simpler: the allegation against Oberst was withdrawn by the person who made it, who acknowledged that she had fabricated it.

Ryan Adams presents a messier case.

In 2019, multiple women, including his former wife Mandy Moore and Phoebe Bridgers, a then up and coming musician who toured with Ryan around this time, publicly accused Adams of manipulative or abusive behavior. Moore described psychologically controlling behavior, and said that Adams had not sufficiently helped to advance her music career. Specifically, she accused Adams of not giving her free studio time. At the time and still today, I find this accusation completely ridiculous. It is his studio. He can with it whatver he wants.

Bridgers, in turn, described a romantic and professional relationship that she said had became emotionally abusive. She finished the tour with Adams, and the two went their separate ways. Another accusation was more serious. Adams disputed significant portions of the reporting. As of this writing, Adams has never been arrested or charged for any of these incidents.

Whatever judgment one makes about Ryan Adams the man, none of this changes his greatness as a songwriter.

“Oh My Sweet Carolina,” “Damn, Sam (I Love a Woman That Rains),” and “Come Pick Me Up” are indelibly etched into the American folk-rock canon. Mandy Moore has had an successful career of her own, but she and Adams occupy very different musical territories, and comparing their importance as songwriters isn’t particularly helpful.

There is also a curious connection here. Bridgers later formed Better Oblivion Community Center with Conor Oberst, an older man like Adama. I have no idea whether Conor and Phoebe were ever lovers, however it is fun to ship them. I kind of hope they got together once or twice in the studio or at the hotel or something.

I’ll never know. And it’s none of my business.

Ryan therefore stays in the four spot: a difficult man by numerous accounts, a songwriter whose work has meant an enormous amount to me, and another tributary feeding the musical river that eventually brought me to “Cape Canaveral.”

The biography matters. The allegations matter. But this is an essay about listening.

And his songs are why Ryan Adams is here.

A New Number One

So that’s about it. I have a new favorite song, and it’s “Cape Canaveral.”

I don’t foresee it getting knocked out of the number-one spot anytime soon. Of course, I thought the same thing about “Tulsa Queen.”

And I was wrong.

Right now, “Leaving LA,” the glorious song by Father John Misty, is number two. “Cruiser” is number three. The totally slapping “Dreadful,” by The Violet Burning, is number four. And “Tulsa Queen” has now been bumped all the way down to number five.

Sorry, baby. You know I love you.

I continue to listen to music every day, often for several hours. I sleep to music. I wake up to music. I shower and brush my teeth to music. I read to music. I eat to music. I drink coffee and tea to music. I make love to music.

I love music more than almost anything in my life, except my son, of course. I love nearly every form of music, and I love live music most of all. The thrill of a great live concert is unequaled by almost any other experience under the sun.

I did get the chance to see Conor live in Osaka just a few months ago with my friend Jack. It was a small venue downtown. Conor was great. He opened with a few songs I knew and a few I had never heard before.

Although I was having a good time, unfortunately I was so zonked that I had to leave after only about twenty-five minutes. I was disappointed, but I was so tired that I simply had no choice.

Jack told me on the phone the next day that he had left only about five minutes after I did. I guess he too was beyond all help.

That night, anyway, we were completely out of control.

Long Live Music

Part of me wants “Cape Canaveral” to hold onto the number-one spot forever.

Another part of me hopes a new challenger emerges.

“Leaving LA” and “Cruiser” are the obvious contenders, with “Dreadful” right there too. “Tulsa Queen” has already fallen four places, so I don’t see her charging back to number one anytime soon.

But who knows?

The artists I listen to most frequently these days include Whiskeytown and The Jesus and Mary Chain. Both absolutely slap and totally rule. Whiskeytown occupies the folk/country side of my canon; The Jesus and Mary Chain occupy the alternative and early-indie side.

Other artists I play constantly include Craig Finn, Happiness, Daddy Issues, The Violet Burning, and Michael Knott, and many others.

R.I.P. Michael Knott. R.I.P. to a legend.

I listen to so many songs every day that I can hardly keep count. That is one reason I’ve taken to making these lists in the first place. The rankings change. The artists change. I change. Some song I’ve heard fifty times suddenly opens itself up on the fifty-first listen and becomes an entirely different thing.

That is part of the fun. That is part of the mystery. That is why I keep listening.

Long live music. Long live live music. Long live music fans.

Long live Conor Oberst. And long live “Cape Canaveral.”

Amen.


Dedication:

For musicians and music fans everywhere. I love you. And for Conor Oberst. You’re the fucking man, baby.

For Elodie, My Baby: A Love Poem

Note: I spent about a week with Elodie eight years ago. I fell madly, historically in love. Obviously. She is absolutely stunning and took my breath away. I was beyond gaga and remain so to this day.

She is my one and only baby. Naturally. My darling, my sweetheart, my lover my queen. My baby. I will never forget anything from that week. I remember the yellow she wore when we met. I remember Pret in the morning, wine before dinner, cigarettes, the park, the bridge, the chapel, the airport, the songs we sent each other, and a great many things that would be easier to have forgotten.

As if I could ever forget.

Since the years since I met her I have written six essays and a play about her. I know dude it’s a lot, So what? I am crazy in love with her and always will be. I will soon turn all of my Elodie material into a book. It will be good and I hope you like it. I know I will.

So in anticipation of that about I wrote her a love poem. Here it is:

Epigraphs:

“I didn’t know what I was in for when I set out for that run.”
— Better Oblivion Community Center

“Two suns in the sunset/ Didn’t know my race was run.”
— Pink Floyd, “Two Suns in the Sunset”

“Don’t stand so close to me.”
— The Police

Elodie, baby, I’m massively in love with you
I always have been, and I always will be.

I arrived on a Sunday. We met on Monday
You were wearing yellow, I recall
You touched my arm and said, “I’m an Aries moon too”
And that began my fall.

We walked lightly to the next session
I had no idea what I was in for
We compared charts and we matched
And I knew I was a goner before we even reached the door.

Before I even reached the door.

We sat side by side at the table
Elbows and hands touching tight
When your fingers clasped mine, I almost passed out
You were absolutely stunning, a total knockout.

At dusk we went to dinner
It was inside the main hall
There was turkey, there was gravy,
There was cranberry and all.

Before dinner, we drank wine
Red and white as you please
I bought a bottle with some money
I probably pulled out of my sleeve.

She may have been impressed that I had money
But she probably didn’t care
All I could think was, oh my god, this girl—
Look at her hair.

It was colored chestnut brown
And stretched halfway down her back
It was right about this moment
That I had a heart attack.

After dinner she broke out cigarettes
I’d had a dozen in sixteen years
I caved immediately, of course
I was the victim of all fears.

I feared a future without her
That was something I couldn’t stand
When I got back to my room
I knew I’d have to take matters into my hand.

I played “Mistakes Were Made” by the Mendoza Line
I had to call a spade a spade
The title sounded like some kind of sign
I wanted desperately to wank
There, I said it. Fine.

But at the same time, I had only one thought
Running around my brain
I’m massively in love with this girl
And I cannot stop this train.

I wanted to move to London
Would I? We would see
It probably wasn’t the best idea
But baby, you know me.

Tuesday morning we went to Pret
It was about a ten-minute walk
On the way there all we did
Was talk and talk and talk.

We split the cost of Pret
And walked back to the quad
We sat down in the back garden
I was feeling rather odd.

She had a hearty breakfast
She was at her eating peak
After that she mostly stopped
I was a little worried
She was looking rather weak.

We never went to another session.

I’d been thinking a lot about muses
And I cast her in that role
When she went along with this
I knew I was in a deep hole.

In turn she talked about her career
She was a photographer, you see
She was good at what she did
But she wasn’t making enough money.

She’d had a gig in Italy
With some famous movie stars
But her career was on the downside
She wasn’t getting very far.

She had a job photographing hand models
She didn’t like it at all
But she had to do it to make money
And through it all my girl stood tall.

Before dinner she said something
To change the course of the week
She said, “You’re super charming like my father.”
I knew then I was in deep.

She’d been abused when she was little
I’d been abused too
Fuck that guy. Fuck them all.
Fuck abusers too.

I couldn’t have sex with her. Why?
I just couldn’t say
It had something to do with what she’d said about her dad
I didn’t fully understand it, but I knew it was bad.

Deep inside my heart
I thought she might be conflating me with her abuser
I didn’t even know
Where to start.

As a result of my abuse
As a teenager, I thought I was gay.
I didn’t really think so
Things didn’t turn out that way.

I was crazy about women
Madly in love with girls
But her comment changed the conversation
We were in a whole new world.

Four years earlier I’d written an essay for my blog
Called “Reflections: On Coming Through”
Its epigraph came from Dylan before a song:
“This one goes out to someone watching out there tonight.
She knows who she is.”

I wanted something like that for her
I wanted her to be my twin
As it happens, I’m a Gemini.
I was ready to put a little skin in the game
And see what could take place.

I didn’t know where things were going
But I knew I wanted to run the race
To come in first, to break the tape
To be the champion of the day.

I turned back to Elodie
And tried to think of something to say.

I wanted to say, “Baby, let’s get married”
But there was very little chance
So I put the thought to bed
And kept it in my pants.

After dinner we talked like before
Very, very close
After dinner we had wine
Like every night before.

I got a little drunk
So I counted up the score
I thought I was down on the card
By just a point or two.

It was kind of hard to tell.
Everything was brand fucking new.

I was head over heels for my baby
And when she said she’d leave her guy
My heart went through the ceiling
And flew way up high.

Friday came without announcement
And we walked on back to Pret
After that we went to a park
It was real nice, I bet.

We’d fallen into a pattern
I was not an I
We were a we.

There was a little bridge in the park
She walked up to the top
She said, “Baby, this is my bridge”
I said, “Baby, you’re the boss.”

Then she started crying
Just sitting in the sun
I got a little worried
I said, “Babe, what’s up, hon?”

She said, “I’m so confused
I don’t know what to do
I love my fiancé
I love you too.”

I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

Then I said, “Look, honey, here’s the deal
I live a million miles away
I want to be with you forever
That’s all I’m gonna say.”

“But darling, as you know
I live in Japan and you are here
Maybe go back to your fiancé
And see how things go, my dear.”

She said, “Well, yeah, I’ll think about it.
I’ll stay in a hotel tonight.”

I said, “Where?”

She said, “London.”

I said, “That sounds about right.”

And then she said a line
I’ve never forgotten to this day:

“Baby, don’t sit so close to me.”

I said, “Just how far away?”

She said, “Just about an inch.”

I said, “Babes, that’s not that far.”

She said, “Well, that’s all I can handle.
I need you where you are.”

Then she fell into my arms.

The ambulances were blaring
Like the city was under attack
I was getting pretty tired
And I half carried her back.

We walked back to the campus
And she said she had to talk to Claire Martin
One of the tutors on the course.

I went down to the bookstore
There was a dude there, of course.

I browsed around and played Dylan on my phone,
“Red River Shore”
We sat there all alone.

Melanie Reinhart was sitting nearby
I went and sat beside her
I’m not really sure why.

I picked up a book on musical astrology
It was about famous musicians’ charts
I thought it looked pretty cool.

She said, “Don’t buy that one, baby.
Don’t be a silly fool.”

So I bought another book
And then we both stood up.

Melanie had to move out
So we went back upstairs
She had a couple heavy suitcases
So I got them out of there.

Then I went back to say goodbye to Elodie
And we walked into the chapel
I told her I wanted to know her
When she was an old woman.

She said I was very sweet
That made me smile.

I said, “Baby, you can’t be beat.”

And we sat there for a while.

Then we kissed goodbye
And I stepped out of the gate
I had to get some lunch
I was running a little late.

As I walked to my hotel
I was feeling pretty weird
I only had a little stubble
But I had to itch my beard.

At the restaurant I got bouillabaisse
And a lovely beer as well.
I texted Elodie Jason Molina’s “Leave the City.”

I said, “Baby, what the hell
Are we gonna do about our relationship?
Who are we gonna be?”

She said, “Baby, I have no idea
We’ll just have to wait and see.”

I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s right
There’s nothing we can do
I’ll see you when I see you, baby
I love you. I do.”

She said, “I love you too.”

I sent a couple more songs
And I’m happy to report
That after the conference
We still got along.

After lunch I was super tired
So I went to get some sleep
I knew once my head hit the pillow
I would sleep really deep.

I woke up the next morning
At four-thirty or so
My wife had to catch a bus
England isn’t the safest, you know.

So we stood there on the corner
Then she climbed onto the bus
In a different kind of way
I didn’t know what to do about us.

Then I hugged her quickly
And we said our goodbyes
And I took the short walk home
Under the English sky.

I jumped into the shower
I was glad I was all alone
I had a cab coming at eight
Pretty soon I’d be going home.

I packed up all my things
I didn’t know what the day would bring
In the cab the driver played the radio
I could barely hear a thing.

There was a story about the poor
And how there was very little housing around
But I couldn’t really dwell on that
That was somebody else’s deal.

I had to get to the airport
To make my final appeal.

On the plane I played Pink Floyd’s
“Two Suns in the Sunset”
And I cried a bit.

I thought about my son, of course
I swallowed
Took the hit.

I read Anthony Powell on my Kindle
And he kind of messed me up.
So I asked for peanuts and some wine
In a little paper cup.

I had the wine and then another.
I started to relax.
I understood then for sure
That I had to pay a heavy tax.

I knew my marriage was over
And my career probably as well
It was only a matter of time
Time is always quick to tell.

I landed in Osaka
And got a room across the street
It was too far to get back to Kyoto
Sometimes nearness can’t be beat.

I texted Elodie from the hotel, of course
It was just around nine her time
She said she was working in the park
On someone else’s dime.

I said, “Baby, that sounds awesome.
I wish I was there with you.”

She said, “Me too, baby,
But there’s nothing we can do.”

For the next few weeks
We texted and called almost every day
Then she had a dream and talked to her therapist
And then she mostly went away.

The dream took place in the woods
There was a fire of some kind
She said that I was there with her
I began to fall behind.

She said, “My therapist says I can’t talk to you.”

I said, “Baby, don’t say it’s true.”

She said, “Yeah, I don’t know yet.”

I said, “Baby, it’s up to you.”

After that we sent some letters
And some texts and things like that
I wrote her in March 2019
And that was pretty much that.

I was the last one to write
That was about seven years ago
I figured the door was still open
I emailed her a little while ago.

And whether or not she’s read it,
So far it hasn’t been a no.

Email doesn’t have read receipts,
So I don’t know if she saw it.
I’m betting that she did.
So I’ll just have to wait a bit.

She’ll answer or she won’t.
It’s pretty much all the same to me.
Our relationship was years ago.
It’s all history, you see.

But I know I’ll always love her.
That’ll always be a fact.
And I still think sometimes
About going back.

Going back to London
And trying to find her one fine day.
But if I actually found her,
I don’t know what I would say.

I guess I’d say, “Hey, baby,
Do you wanna get some pancakes,
Some coffee,
And hang out?”

She’d say yeah or she’d say no.
At least I would find out.

Then I’d go back to Kyoto,
Or maybe Thailand just for kicks.
Maybe move on down to Thailand,
Hit the beach and seek some bliss.

Thinking about Elodie
Has brought up old memories,
And I really need to chill.

Smoke some weed and drink some rum
Or I’m gonna get a little ill.

And sure, I’m ill.
I’ve been lovesick for Elodie
Since the first day I ran across her
In a seminar room on Monday.

I spent about a week with her,
And I’ll never forget a thing
That we said or did together.

I still want her to wear my ring.

I know that’s highly doubtful,
But a guy can dream a dream,
And God knows that I have to,
After all the things I’ve seen.

Elodie, baby, give me a call.
Honey, baby, don’t forget me.

I’ll never forget you at all.

Dedication:

For Elodie, my baby. I cannot describe how much I love you, baby. I miss you so much.

On Sacha Baron Cohen, the Big Hypocrite

Well, the neighborhood bully, he’s just one man / His enemies say he’s on their land.
— Bob Dylan, “Neighborhood Bully”

Shut the fuck up Sacha.
— Me

Let me get something out of the way first: Sacha Baron Cohen is incredibly fucking funny. He also needs to shut the fuck up.

The Borat movies are two of the funniest movies ever made. The first one is better than the second one, but the second one is also amazing. The Rudy Giuliani scene alone is almost impossible to believe. Maria Bakalova, who plays Borat’s daughter Tutar in Borat II, is fearless. Borat himself remains an extraordinary comic creation. “Throw the Jew Down the Well” is funny. The running antisemitism is funny. The grotesque sex jokes are funny. Ali G is hysterical. Cohen has done things on camera that almost nobody else would have the nerve, discipline, or sheer audacity to attempt.

I still don’t like him.

These are not contradictory positions.

I don’t hate Sacha Baron Cohen. I don’t detest him. I don’t want him canceled. I certainly don’t want his movies removed from circulation. I hope he keeps making comedy. But I don’t like the guy, and the biggest reason is that I think he is one of the great hypocrites of all time

Here’s why.

Not because he’s offensive per se. Rather because he seems to believe that Sacha Baron Cohen should be allowed to offend anybody he wants, while other people have walk on egg shells when the subject gets anywhere close to Sacha Baron Cohen or anything he actually cares about.

And what he cares about is Israel. Sacha is Jewish. So what. The Pope is Catholic and shits in the woods. Obviously. So does the bear. Naturally. And the bear is also Catholic because when he and the Pope were out ripping heaters together in the woods discussing last night’s Mets game for whatever reason the Pope laid the guilt trip of all guilt trips on our friend Mr. Bear and Bear caved. The Pope is one hell of an orator. This much is clear.

The Rules of the Game

I have a fairly simple rule about comedy:

A comedian can joke about anything. Anything.

Hitler. The Holocaust. Genocide. Dead babies. Disability. Race. Sex. Religion. Cancer. AIDS. September 11. Your mother. My mother. Whatever.

Anthony Jeselnik has built his entire career around constructing jokes whose premises make the audience think, surely this motherfucker isn’t going there, immediately before he goes there. Gilbert Gottfried made incredibly offensive jokes sometimes the offensiveness seemed to be the joke. Joan Rivers would joke about disabled people and then when she was lightly booed tell the audience to shut the fuck up cause her daughter was disabled. Whatever Joan. Get a grip. But yeah Joan is super fucking funny too. She just is.

Fine. Tell the joke.

And I retain the right to think your joke sucks.

That’s the bargain.

There is another old rule of comedy that matters here: punch up rather than down. I don’t regard this as an inviolable either. Sometimes you can punch down. But if you’re going to punch down, the most elegant ways to do it is to turn the fucking gun around and shoot yourself before anybody has time to complain.

Shane Gillis understands this beautifully.

Gillis has a routine about Downs syndrome in his family. As he approached the joke you can feel the audience tense because they know exactly where Shane is heading. And then comes the turn: Downs syndrome, he says, “took a shot at me and missed.”

Pause.

“But it nicked me.”

There it is.

Mic drop.

The joke suddenly isn’t look at these people. The joke is Shane Gillis. He has placed himself inside the blast radius.

That’s how you fucking do it.

Take notes, Sacha.

Kazakhstan

The central problem with Borat isn’t that the character is a monster.

The character is supposed to be a monster.

He’s misogynistic. He’s antisemitic. He’s ignorant. He talks about women as property. He says unspeakable things about his family. The comedy depends upon his being so extravagantly horrible that the Americans around him sometimes reveal things about themselves while trying to accommodate him.

Cohen has explained this himself. After the first movie provoked outrage in Kazakhstan, he said he was surprised because he assumed audiences would understand that the Kazakhstan of Borat was effectively fictional. More revealingly, he explained why he had chosen Kazakhstan in the first place: it was somewhere his intended audience knew so little about that he could exploit whatever vague stereotypes they possessed about an obscure former Soviet republic.

Read that again.

He chose Kazakhstan because people didn’t know much about Kazakhstan.

That’s my entire objection.

Kazakhstan wasn’t powerful enough in the Western imagination to fight back against the joke. It was a blank space. Cohen could write whatever he wanted onto it.

And what did he write?

Incest. Prostitution. Sex slavery. Antisemitism. Primitive stupidity. Misogyny. General barbarism.

The real Kazakhstan is hardly a liberal-democratic paradise. Its government has an ugly record on political and religious freedom, including restrictions on religious groups and expression. But the United States State Department describes a secular constitutional system containing multiple religious communities—not the insane antisemitic hellscape Cohen invented.

Cohen’s answer was essentially: guys, you’re missing the joke.

He said Borat’s antisemitism was designed to expose the antisemitism of others. He trusted intelligent viewers to understand that the character’s beliefs were delusional. Indeed, Borat’s supposedly Kazakh language is largely Hebrew, an enormous inside joke aimed directly at Jewish and Israeli audiences.

I understand the joke. I even laugh at the joke. I just think Kazakhstan is entitled to say: Why the fuck did you have to make it us?

Make up a country.

Boratistan.

There. Done. Same jokes. Same movie. Same character. Same America. Same satirical mechanism. Nobody loses anything.

Instead Cohen picked an actual country precisely because his audience knew almost nothing about it, filled the vacuum with the most grotesque shit imaginable, and then informed the people who actually lived there that sophisticated viewers would understand.

That’s punching down.

It’s also pretty fucking convenient.

The Sacha Baron Cohen Exception

Here is where Cohen really begins to bother me.

Because Sacha Baron Cohen understands context better than almost anybody alive when Sacha Baron Cohen needs context.

Don’t take Borat literally. Understand the character. Understand the satire. Understand the intention. Understand the irony.

Understand that saying something antisemitic can actually be a means of attacking antisemitism. Understand that an offensive representation of a group isn’t necessarily an attack upon that group.

I agree with every word of that.

But Cohen has also become a prominent advocate for restricting the amplification of hateful speech online. In his celebrated 2019 Anti-Defamation League speech, he attacked social-media companies for spreading antisemitism and other forms of hate and argued, in the formulation subsequently popularized by the ADL, that freedom of speech does not entail “freedom of reach.

There is a serious argument there. Facebook is not the First Amendment. TikTok doesn’t have a constitutional obligation to recommend Nazi propaganda to fifteen million teenagers.

Fine.

But notice how dramatically the moral vocabulary changes.

Suddenly representation has consequences.

Suddenly words can hurt actual populations. Suddenly the intentions of the speaker aren’t everything. Suddenly the distribution mechanism matters. Suddenly we have to consider what stupid people might believe after encountering offensive material.

Where the fuck was this standard when Kazakhstan was telling you that millions of people who knew nothing about their country were learning about it from Borat?

That doesn’t mean Cohen is wrong about online antisemitism.

It means the principle has to travel.

“The Biggest Antisemitic Movement Since the Nazis”

Then, after October 7, Cohen went considerably further.

During a 2023 meeting with TikTok executives, he accused the platform of creating “the biggest antisemitic movement since the Nazis.” People participating in the meeting cited genuinely vile material directed at Jews—comments praising Hitler and invoking Anne Frank—and Cohen told TikTok executives, “Shame on you.”

Let’s be very clear.

“Hitler was right” is antisemitism. Threatening Jews is antisemitism. Celebrating the murder of Jews because they’re Jews is antisemitism.

There is no difficulty here whatsoever. Fuck those people.

But Israel is not Judaism. The Israeli government is not the Jewish people. Benjamin Netanyahu is not the Jewish people. The IDF is not the Jewish people.

And criticism of the conduct of the Israeli state is not inherently antisemitic any more than criticism of Saudi Arabia is inherently anti-Muslim or criticism of Kazakhstan is inherently anti-Kazakh.

That distinction matters enormously, particularly during a time in which people are arguing simultaneously about terrorism, civilian deaths, occupation, hostages, settlements, military proportionality, national self-determination and the conduct of one of the most powerful armed forces in the region.

Israel can defend itself.

Literally.

It is a nuclear-armed state by widespread assessment, possesses an extraordinarily sophisticated military, and has enjoyed immense diplomatic, military and financial backing from the United States for decades.

Israel is not Borat’s Kazakhstan.

And it certainly isn’t Borat.

Bob Dylan once called Israel the “Neighborhood Bully.” What exactly Dylan meant in that bizarre song on Infidels is between Bob Dylan and whatever collection of ghosts, Biblical figures and card players happened to be occupying Bob Dylan’s skull in 1983. Good luck getting a straight answer.

But the phrase is useful.

A neighborhood bully can still get attacked. A neighborhood bully can still have legitimate fears. A neighborhood bully can even sometimes be right. He’s still the neighborhood bully.

Power matters.

The Borat Test

So here is the test I would apply to Cohen.

I call it the Borat Test. Whenever somebody says something provocative about Israel, Zionism or Jewish political power, ask whether Cohen is willing to grant that speaker the same interpretive tools Cohen demands for himself.

What’s the context? Who is actually being attacked? Is this literal or rhetorical? Is the speaker criticizing Jews or criticizing Israel?

Could an ugly formulation nevertheless be attempting to expose a legitimate problem? Should an entire argument be reduced to its most offensive sentence? Does intention matter? Does irony matter? Does satire matter?

Does the intelligence of the audience matter?

These aren’t tricks. They’re Sacha Baron Cohen’s own defenses.

If those principles are good enough to explain why a Jewish comedian can stand in an Arizona bar singing an antisemitic song called “Throw the Jew Down the Well,” then they’re good enough to use before declaring somebody an antisemite because he said something nasty about Israel.

Same rules. That’s all I’m asking.

Same fucking rules.

Sacha Being Jewish Doesn’t Change This

Cohen is Jewish. He’s proud of being Jewish. He speaks Hebrew. His mother was born in Israel. He spent time on a kibbutz. His Jewish identity clearly matters enormously to him.

Good. None of that bothers me.

It explains why antisemitism gets under his skin. If anything, it makes his concern more understandable.

But everybody has a thing that gets under his skin. Everybody has a sacred cow.

The real test of a comedian’s commitment to transgression isn’t what happens when he transgresses somebody else’s sacred boundary.

It’s what happens when somebody transgresses his. That’s the test Cohen keeps failing for me.

He wants Kazakhs to understand. He wants gay people to understand Brüno. He wants religious people to understand. He wants women to understand. He wants Americans humiliated by Borat to understand. He wants everybody to understand that outrageous speech can have another layer underneath it.

OK

Dave Chappelle Has the Same Problem

Dave Chappelle occasionally irritates me for a related reason.

Not because he jokes about trans people. Joke about trans people.

I don’t give a fuck.

But when a hugely wealthy, hugely famous comedian spends years repeatedly returning to a tiny and comparatively vulnerable minority, eventually “I’m allowed to make these jokes” stops answering the criticism.

Of course you’re allowed. Nobody asked.

The question is whether you’re punching down.

And telling us afterward that you had a trans friend doesn’t magically resolve the question. Chappelle’s story about his friendship with the late trans comedian Daphne Dorman may be sincere and moving. It still doesn’t operate as a universal permission slip for everything else he says.

Again: tell the jokes. And everybody else gets to tell you whether they suck.

That’s comedy too.

Don’t Cancel Him

I don’t want Sacha Baron Cohen canceled. I don’t want Chappelle canceled.

I thought Shane Gillis getting fired from Saturday Night Live over a podcast barely anybody listened to was ridiculous. The subsequent trajectory of Gillis’s career suggests that cancellation wasn’t exactly fatal anyway.

Good for him.

Let everybody work. Let everybody talk. Let everybody offend everybody.

Then let everybody else answer.

This is the part of contemporary culture I increasingly can’t stand: everybody wants free speech for his own side and a fucking tribunal for the other guy.

No.

Sacha gets Borat. Kazakhstan gets to say Sacha is an asshole. Chappelle gets his trans jokes. Trans people get to say Chappelle is full of shit. Shane Gillis gets his jokes. People offended by Shane Gillis get their boos. Israel gets its defenders. Palestinians get theirs. Jews get to identify antisemitism.

Everybody else gets to tell them when they think criticism of Israel is being incorrectly conflated with antisemitism.

That’s the game.

Is Sacha Baron Cohen an Asshole?

Apparently I’m not the only person who has asked his.

Rebel Wilson devoted a chapter of her memoir Rebel Rising to Cohen and publicly called him a “massive asshole.” She alleged that her experience working with him on The Brothers Grimsby left her feeling bullied and humiliated and described disputes over sexual material she says he wanted her to perform.

Cohen has categorically denied her allegations. His representatives called them “demonstrably false” and said they were contradicted by documents, footage and witnesses. Portions of Wilson’s account were subsequently redacted from British editions of the memoir for legal reasons.

I wasn’t there. I don’t know.

I’m not convicting Sacha Baron Cohen of anything on Rebel Wilson’s testimony. I merely note that she doesn’t appear to have enjoyed the experience.

Neither, apparently, did Kazakhstan.

The Big Hypocrite

And so we return to the charge.

Sacha Baron Cohen is not a hypocrite because he’s Jewish. He’s not a hypocrite because he worries about antisemitism. He’s not a hypocrite because he defends Israel. He’s not a hypocrite because he’s offended by something.

He’s a hypocrite because, in my view: he demands a degree of interpretive generosity for his own provocations that he does not consistently extend to everybody else’s.

That’s the fuckin’ thing.

You cannot spend twenty years telling people to understand the sophisticated mechanism underneath offensive speech and then suddenly become Officer Sensitive when the offending speech approaches your own house.

You cannot tell Kazakhstan that everyone understands your Kazakhstan isn’t really Kazakhstan when you specifically chose Kazakhstan because nobody knew anything about Kazakhstan.

You cannot build one of the greatest comedy careers of the century by exploiting ambiguity, disguise, deception, grotesque stereotypes and deliberately offensive speech and then behave as though context becomes secondary when the subject matters personally to you.

Or, rather, you can.

You’re Sacha Baron Cohen. Do whatever the fuck you want.

And I’ll do what I want. I’ll call you on it.

That’s the other half of free expression.

Because the comedian has the right to joke about absolutely anything. And the audience has the right not to laugh.

The target has the right to be pissed off. The critic has the right to say the comedian is punching down.

And if you’ve spent your career demanding that everybody else take the joke, you had better be prepared, every once in a while, to take the fucking joke yourself.

Bob Dylan called Israel the neighborhood bully.

Maybe Dylan meant it. Maybe he didn’t. It’s Dylan baby. Who the fuck knows.

But even the neighborhood bully gets made fun of.

Settle down, Sacha. Shut the fuck up.

Did My Grandfather Tom Thomas Kill a Man in Japan in 1941?

Note: This essay is based on a story my grandfather told me when I was thirteen years old, my surviving memories of that story thirty-eight years later, and the limited historical context I have so far been able to establish. Throughout, I have tried to distinguish between what I know, what I remember, what I merely suspect, and what may simply have become family legend.

That distinction matters. Earlier today I acquired Tom’s complete Naval records, which have filled in a number of gaps in the chronology.

In addition, when I called my mother she said that she thought the biology of TomThomas that I wrote in 1988 was still in a box somewhere. The original cassette tapes are almost certainly gone.

If the biography does surface, we will know more and I will update this piece.

Epigraphs:

“The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.”
—L. P. Hartley, The Go-Between

It’s been a long time, mama, since I heard you call my name
Ah, been a long time since I heard you call my name
I got to see my Colorado girl again
—Townes Van Zandt, “Colorado Girl”

I. Introduction

My grandfather Tom Thomas once told me that he killed a man in Japan just before World War II.

I was thirteen years old when he told me this. I believed him. Thirty-eight years later, I am no longer entirely sure. I have been wanting to write this story for many years. The story has remained lodged somewhere between family history, childhood memory, and legend: an extraordinary story told to a boy by his grandfather and preserved, imperfectly, across nearly four decades.

Today I would like to know what actually happened.

II. The Family Autobiography

In the spring of 1988, when I was in eighth grade at St. George’s School outside Spokane, Washington, my social studies teacher, Laura Pierce, assigned us a family autobiography project.

Laura was a nice woman and a good social studies teacher. I was friends with her son Ben, who was a year or two older than I was. The Pierces lived in a modest suburban home about twelve minutes north of St. George’s. My parents, my brothers, and I lived a little farther north in Wayside, Washington, which in those days was far out in the country.

When my brothers and I were younger, we sometimes went to the Pierces’ neighborhood for Halloween. This was in the early to mid 1980s, and it was the era of panic about tainted candy on Halloween. My feeling today is that this panic was largely, if not entirely, overblown. Nevertheless, we checked our candy haul for razors carefully. We never found any.

Wayside was not much good for trick-or-treating unless you were prepared to hike half a mile between houses. The Pierces had neighbors.

These are some memories of my time. I mention them here because I am trying to establish what I know, what I remember, and what I merely think I remember.

I believe Laura assigned the autobiography project sometime around March 1988. I cannot today establish this date with any degree of certainty. The project took some time, and we finished eighth grade in early June. Four years later, twenty-eight of us graduated from St. George’s together, so I guess my eighth-grade class would have been roughly the same size.

For my project, I chose to interview my paternal grandfather, Tom Thomas. I sent him a list of questions, and he kindly sent back about half a dozen tapes. On the tapes he talked about his whole life, with a focus on his time in World War II. Tom was a career Navy man who also served in the Korean War. I believe he served valiantly, and he told me that he shot in the leg on one of the islands off of Guam; I believe in 1944. He leg healed and he went on to a successful real estate career in Healdsberg CA, just outside of Napa Valley. I believe that he did quite well for himself, and by the time I was little he was already retired. Gin was a lifelong housewife. I was born in 1974, so my first memories of him and his wife Virginia (Gin) would have been around 1977.

My parents Ross and Claudia and my younger brother Mike visited Tom and Gin almost every summer until the late 1980s. We called them Moo Grandpa and Moo Nana because they owned cows. My mother’s parents Bill and Barbara were Regular Grandpa and Regular Nana as they lived in the city of Santa Clara.

We would usually start just three or four days with Tom and Gin, and often a week or two with Bill and Barbara. At this remove, I am not exactly sure why this was, however it may have been the fact that Tom was not, at least of the time, the nicest man. Tom died in 2001 and Gin in 1996, so RIP to two real ones. There is no avoiding the fact, however, that Tom had a bit of a mean streak.

Looking back today, I fully understand why this was. He grew up in rural Colorado in the early part of the 20th century. He was born in 1916 to a homesteader family, and he told me for the biography that his own father was a drinker and had a mean streak too. I believed this and still do. Tom and Gin liked to drink too, and I remember every evening at 5 PM sharp that would make martinis in what I then saw as a pretty swank cocktail set.

Tom would have maybe two martinis before dinner as I recall, while Gin would usually have just one. He probably had a few more drinks with dinner. I don’t ever remember him drinking beer or wine, so my guess is he stuck with martinis. I myself have inherited a taste for alcohol, and today I would describe myself as a managed drinker. I have also had periods of my life where I drank more, however that is a subject for another day.

In addition to having a bit of a mean streak, Tom could also be very generous. My parents bought a house in the country somewhere north of Spokane, WA in I believe 1980 or 1981 and it turned out to be a bit of a con job as the house had no water. This was a problem because everyone needs water, and also because my parents had zero money at the time. My dad was just starting his teacher career at St. George’s School in Spokane, one of the two most prestigious private school in the city. Prestigious though it may have been, it did not pay well/ Spokane only had about a quarter of million people at that time. It probably has more today, but I am note sure as I have not been back for 25 years. I never really cared for Spokane, however I do have fond memories overall of growing up there.

In any case, my folks needed to get out of the house with no water pronto and Tom kindly paid the entire down payment on a new house, in Wayside. Wayside was also north of Spokane, however it was much closer to school, just about a 17 minute drive. I can state this with certainly because we made the drive every school day for the 13 years I attended St. George’s.

III. The Yokohama Incident

As mentioned above, Tom Thomas served in the United States Navy for about 20 years. At one point in the late 1930s, he said, he was a military policeman. At this juncture I am not going to convert rather vague memories into historical fact just to make the story cohere. What follows is the story as I remember Tom telling it to me.

He told me that he was stationed in Japan sometime in the very 1930’s and perhaps into the early 1940’s. As I will go into in more detail below, when I ran this story by my good friend Sergio Mandiola a few weeks ago he said a US Navy man would absolutely not have been stationed in Japan in 1941 at all. I in addition he said that it was also quite unlikely to have happened in 1940. He went on to say that if indeed such a took place, it may have occurred in 1938 or 1939 when US Japan relations were still at least on reasonably good terms.

My present recollection places him in Yokohama, although I do not want to claim more precision than the available evidence permits. For many years I have remembered the incident as occurring in 1941—more specifically around October 1941.

This date may be wrong. It is almost certainly is.

The location may be wrong, although I am confident that Tom did tell me that he stationed in Yokohama at some point.

In any case, Tom told me was that he was off duty one night and drinking in a bar with some of his fellow servicemen somewhere in Yokohama. A Japanese man came into the establishment extremely drunk and began causing trouble.

Tom intervened, and the man left the bar, only to come back several hours later with a knife. By this point, Tom said, it was very late, and we can assume that everybody had been drinking. As Tom exited the bar, the man came at him with the knife and Tom defended himself. Tom was not a tall man, however he was quite well built. Things went his way, and he tossed the man off a small cliff his death.

Again, I want to be careful here. I don’t remember whether Tom said that his position as a military policeman formally obligated him to intervene, whether he simply felt some responsibility for maintaining order, or whether he was a young sailor who decided that somebody needed to throw a drunk out of a bar and that somebody was going to be him.

I want to make this distinction clear because thirty-eight years is a long time and memory has a habit of polishing its own edges.

I do not merely remember Tom inferring that the man died. I remember my he telling me that he did.

IV. Aftermath

According to Tom, this was not the end of the matter.

He told me that the killing caused some degree of difficulty between the United States and Japan. This is understandable, as the two countries were, at the time, on anything but good terms. My recollection is that he said the whole thing became a minor diplomatic incident.

I also remember Tom telling me that he was imprisoned afterward, and my recollection was that he spent several months in a Navy prison or brig in Japan.

That is one of the details I now strongly suspect to be wrong.

Perhaps Tom said he was imprisoned somewhere else. Perhaps thirteen-year-old me misunderstood. Perhaps I have unconsciously moved the prison back to Japan in order to make the story narratively tidy.

And this is where my friend Mandiola enters the story.

V. Mandiola Objects

As mentioned above, when I told Mandiola the story some he told me “dude no way.”

He didn’t buy the date.

Mandiola is one of the smartest people I know and knows more history than anyone I have ever met. When I told him that my recollection placed Tom in Yokohama in October 1941, his reaction was immediate.

No way in hell.

Mandiola did not necessarily doubt that some version of the incident could have happened. His objection was to my chronology and to some of the surrounding circumstances. He thought an earlier date—perhaps 1938 or 1939—was considerably more plausible.

I agreed.

After all, it would be foolish of me to regard a date remembered from a recording in 1988 as incontrovertible evidence. But I also don’t want to correct the record before I have investigated it fully. For now, therefore, I am leaving 1941 on the board.

VI. Why the Date Matters

The relationship between the United States and Japan changed significantly during the years immediately preceding the Pacific War.

Japan seized Manchuria in 1931 and established the puppet state of Manchukuo the following year. Full-scale war between Japan and China erupted in 1937. The United States and other Western powers increasingly objected to Japanese expansion in China, and Washington gradually moved from diplomatic opposition toward economic pressure.

The confrontation intensified considerably in 1940 and 1941.

Japan joined Germany and Italy in the Tripartite Pact in September 1940. The United States began to restrict exports of strategically important materials to Japan while increasing support for China. Japanese expansion into French Indochina further worsened relations. In July 1941, after Japan moved into southern French Indochina, the Roosevelt administration froze Japanese assets in the United States. In practice, the resulting restrictions threatened Japan’s access to the imported oil upon which both its economy and military depended. Japan consequently faced a severe strategic problem.

However it would be misleading to reduce the road to Pearl Harbor to a simple story in which the United States surrounded an innocent Japan and cut off its oil, leaving Japan no alternative but war. The economic pressure did not emerge from nowhere. It developed in response to years of Japanese military expansion in Asia. Japanese leaders nevertheless increasingly perceived themselves as being strategically contained and economically strangled.

Negotiations between Washington and Tokyo continued through 1941 even as both sides prepared for the possibility of war.

Then, on December 7, 1941, Japan bombed Pearl Harbor.

This is why the date in my grandfather’s story matters so much.

1938 is not 1941. Neither is 1939.

An altercation involving an American serviceman and a Japanese civilian would have existed within a substantially different political environment depending on in which year it occurred. so the question becomes:

Was Tom Thomas actually in Japan when he said this happened?

This ought to be knowable.

VII. Opening the Case

Mandiola suggested that if I really wanted to investigate the story, I should look for American records from the time.

He mentioned the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Having looked into the matter further, I suspect the National Archives and military records will be more useful.

This is where the story stops being merely a family anecdote and becomes an investigation. First, I would to get my hands on Tom’s Navy service record.

I want to know when he enlisted, where he was stationed, his rank in the Navy, the ships or shore posts to which he was assigned, and—most importantly—where he was during the years immediately before Pearl Harbor.

If Tom was sitting in San Diego throughout 1938, 1939, 1940, and 1941, we then have a problem.

If, on the other hand, he appears in naval records connected to Japan or Yokohama during this period, we have something considerably more interesting.

Then there is the alleged imprisonment.

If in fact Tom killed a Japanese civilian, was arrested or detained, and spent some time in military confinement, I would expect at least the possibility of a documentary trail. There may be disciplinary records. There may be court-martial material. There may be official correspondence of some kind. And with luck I may be able to track it down.

And then there are the Japanese records.

I have a distinct recollection that Tom told me the incident made the Japanese papers. I am less certain of this memory than I am of the killing itself. However if a Japanese newspaper did report the death of a Japanese man following an altercation with an American sailor, this would, at a minimum, have been news.

It is even possible that the still exists to be diplomatic correspondence if Tom is right that the affair caused some degree of friction between the two countries.

Or there could be no records of any kind.

This would tell us something too.

VIII. Memory Is Not an Archive

Here are the facts that I want to establish:

i) What actually happened in Japan nearly ninety years ago?

ii) How accurate is Tom’s version of events?

iii) In turn, how accurate are my own recollections of what he told in 1988?

Memory does not operate like a filing cabinet. We lose things. We combine them. We unconsciously embellish chronology. Details that once carried periods eventually acquire question marks.

Sometimes families do this collectively. An event becomes an anecdote. An anecdote becomes a story. The story gets told often enough that eventually nobody remembers which pieces belonged to the event and which pieces belonged to the telling.

Maybe Tom killed a man. Maybe he fought a man who survived and the story grew in telling over the years. Maybe the basic event happened but I have misremembered some of the facts. Maybe my grandfather was bullshitting his grandson with a magnificent sailor’s yarn.

At thirteen, none of these possibilities occurred to me. My grandfather told me something. I wrote it down.

At fifty-two, I simply want more evidence.

IX. Why Now?

This raises the question: Why am I doing this now?

I originally went to graduate school to study history. In January 1999, I enrolled at Northern Arizona University (NAU) intending to complete a master’s degree in Asian history within two years.

I almost made it.

I wrote approximately twenty-five pages of the first chapter of my thesis, which I still have in print form, and accumulated perhaps another hundred pages of notes in various stages of usefulness. For somewhat complex reasons that I have discussed elsewhere, I never finished the thesis.

I left NAU in August of 2001.

Within two months, I was back in my wife’s hometown of Kumamoto, Japan, teaching English to preschoolers. Not long afterward I joined Ritsumeikan Uji Senior High School in South Kyoto. I have now worked there for twenty-four years.

Teaching is a good profession. It has been my profession for a very long time however, and I am past ready to do something else.

I have written blogs with varying degrees of regularity since 2008, and now write almost daily for my current blog the Kyoto Kibbitzer. I think I am a good writer. At a minimum, I have considerable range. And I am trying, with more seriousness than before, to professionalize my writing.

Writing is, unfortunately, a challenging way to make a living.

J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown have made fortunes from it. Although I consider myself a better writer than both of these people, I have zero expectation of reaching anything remotely resembling their fame or fortune.

I would settle for quite a bit less.

If I can patch together a modest living through writing, online tutoring, and perhaps another job or two here and there, I can imagine selling my house and moving somewhere cheaper. Perhaps downtown Kyoto. Perhaps Osaka.

Increasingly, however, I find myself thinking about Thailand.

Bangkok is too large, crowded, and noisy for me. Pattaya, on the other hand, attracts me, and I am hoping to visit there soon if my financial circumstances cooperate. If I do manage to get there this summer, I will assess its suitability as a place to live.

All of this may seem some ways away from a Japanese bar in the years just prior to World War II.

To me it isn’t.

I am trying to decide what kind of writer I want to be during the next part of my life. I write about music. I write fiction. I am working on my memoirs. I write about education, sex, dreams, politics, bars, cities, relationships, and whatever else happens to interest me on a particular day.

I would also like to return to history, at to least modest extent.

And if I am serious about becoming a little of an historian again, then I owe this story more than the version I have been carrying around since I was thirteen.

I owe Tom more than that too.

X. The Open Case

I am going to try to find out what happened in 1941, or whenever it happened, if anything happened at all.

This mother I asked my mother if she still has the family biography. She said she thought in was a box somewhere, and she would try to find it soon.

Then, when I have the time, I will send an email to the National Archives.

If I can establish Tom’s military assignments, I can establish whether his story is even plausible. If I can establish this, I can begin narrowing down the dates. If I can pin point the date and location with reasonably accuracy, I may be able to consult Japanese newspaper archives from the time. If Tom really was imprisoned in Japan, which I now regard as unlikely, there may also a disciplinary record somewhere.

And perhaps, somewhere deep in an archive in Japan or the United States, there is another man’s name.

This possibility changes the story.

For nearly forty years the man Tom said he killed that night in Yokohama has existed in my mind only a legend

If he existed, he was more than that.

He had a name. He probably had a family. He had a life that began long before he allegedly walked into a bar drunk one night and encountered a young American sailor named Tom Thomas.

I would like to know who he was.

Maybe the records will vindicate my grandfather’s story.

Maybe they won’t.

My suspicion is that the truth will be more interesting. That perhaps somewhere beneath eighty-five years of history, forty years of storytelling, and thirty-eight years of my own imperfect memory, there is an actual event that gradually became the story I know of today.

But that’s only my suspicion.

For now, all I have is a deceased grandfather, an eighth-grade autobiography for 1988 that I hope to acquire soon, and an imperfect memory. And in any case, I have one hell of a family story.

That is enough to begin with.

Nearly ninety years after whatever happened happened, I am now determined to get to the bottom of it.

Stay tuned.

Dedication:

For my grandfather, Tom Thomas. Although we had our ups and downs over the years, I still love you very much grandpa.

My Craig Finn Inspired Song “Problematic to the Max”

Note: Craig Finn is my favorite songwriter, and this song is directly inspired by him. This is my first time to write a Finn style song and I have done my best. I am not trying to imitate Finn exactly, or pretend that I can write exactly as he does. What I have tried to borrow from him is something more essential: his attention to people on the edges of the night, his gift for compressed narrative, his affection for damaged characters, his understanding that bars and diners contain entire moral universes, and above all his ability to make a song feel simultaneously funny, sad, dangerous, and deeply humane. If this song is any good it is because of Mr. Finn.

She came stepping out the club in her heels
She was problematic to the max
She had someone else’s cigarettes
And someone else’s jacket on her back
She said, “Don’t start asking questions
You ain’t gonna like the facts”
Then she laughed and checked her lipstick
In the window of a Cadillac

There were boys outside the pizza place
Trying hard to look relaxed
There were girls discussing exes
And all the ways they’d get them back
There was someone crying by the cash machine
Someone calling for a cab
She said, “Everyone wants forgiveness
No one wants to give it back”

And I said:

Baby, we can leave right now
Let’s just stop playing games
There’s a place that pours till morning
And the barkeep knows my name

We’ll stumble out at sunrise
See the bums shaking their cans
With the smoke still in our eyes
And the popo in their vans

She said she’d recently been seeing
A guy who worked in stocks
At first it felt quite freeing
But she was looking at the clock
He kept talking ’bout the markets
While she stared into her drink
She said, “A man can make a million
And still not know a fuckin’ thing”

We walked east along the river
Past the churches and the cranes
She said everybody loves you
Til they learn your middle name
Then she took my hand and said
Like she’d suddenly recalled
Though we were very good in bed
We weren’t having fun at all

And she said:

Honey, don’t get sentimental
That’s how everyone gets hurt
First you say you understand me
Then you start discussing worth

I’ve been good and I’ve been awful
Mostly somewhere in between
And I’m sick of getting judged
By the folks behind their screens

At four we found a diner
With the chairs turned upside down
The waitress poured us coffee
While I tried not to check her out
She said, “You two look exhausted”
We said, “That’s probably correct”
Then my friend began explaining
Why exhaustion gets respect

She said:


No one trusts in happy people
They assume they’ve missed a trick
Everything was going fine
Til she said “baby you’re a prick”

So I keep a couple bruises
And some stories in the back
Just in case somebody doubts me
When I say it’s been like that

The morning started leaking
Through the alleys by the tracks
She had kicked away her heels
And slipped into her slingbacks
There were punters there were pigeons
There were handbills in the street
There were people dreading Sunday
There were people starting weeks

At the corner she got quiet
Then she kissed me on the cheek
Said, “Don’t make this into something
When it’s barely been a week”
Then she climbed into a taxi
And she never once looked back

She came stepping out the club in her heels.
She was problematic to the max

On Cheating at Golf (featuring cameos by my grandfather Bill Kolb and my Aunt’s Second Husband Jerry)

New Note:

At lot of people play golf. Most of them cheat. In this piece we will take a look at several varieties of golf cheating, taking as examples my maternal grandfather Bill Kolb and my aunt’s second husband Jerry.

My grandfather played golf for the entire time I knew him. Besides his family, golf was probably his passion. Bill was a so-so golfer at best. He could hit the ball pretty straight but never more than about 150 yards. His short game was better than his long game, and he liked to say “I just need to get it on the dance floor” (by which he meant the green.) Bill’s lack of distance played into an incident once where we were backed up behind a slower group who was messing about around the green. We were about 230 yards out, and I was planning on hitting a 5 wood approach. Bill told me to go ahead and hit, and I said I needed to wait because I might “get it there.” Bill said there was no way, and if I did he’d buy me a new pair of golf shoes. So I took out my 5 wood and smashed it right up into the group. Bill, to his credit, said “I’ll be darned,” and sure enough bought me a brand new pair of white golf shoes the next day that I kept for years. Bill’s power, naturally, receded even more as he got older, however his overall game stayed about the same. I’d guess that on your average U.S. public course his actual score would have been in the low 100s, give or take.

Now any golfer knows that a score in the low 100s, while certainly not great, is where a lot of golfers will land if they were to play every shot clean. However, very few golfers play every shot clean. Here is a non-comprehensive list of how golfers trim strokes off their total score. Some of these methods are outright cheating, while others may be agreed upon among the players before hand.

1. “Improving one’s lie.” This is a very common method of cheating that involves subtly, or not so subtly, adjusting the ball to a better lie (position) on the ground. This may include shifting the ball from wet grass to drier grass, nudging the ball out from behind a tree, moving the ball a few feet from an out-of-bounds position to an in-bounds one, pulling the ball out of shallow water onto dry land, and many other moves. In golf, a lie adjustment of just a few inches can sometimes make a huge difference, and can often be accomplished without another player seeing.

2. Flat out shaving strokes off your reported score. This rather brazen method is also quite common and simply involves lying about how many shots you hit. Players basically never do this when they played a good hole, for example a player will almost never claim to have scored a 4 on a par 4 when they actually scored a 5. This is because a 5, for an amateur player, is still a fine score. However, when a player scores let’s say an 8 (“a snowman”), or a 10 or 11 (“sticks”), the reported score may drop a few. Group mates usually know or suspect that cheating is happening, however if another player took 11 strokes this means they hit a bunch of grounders or something and it can be hard to keep track of everyone’s shots. In my experience, a cheating player may be asked “really, you scored a 7 there huh?” and may come back with “yeah 7 for me,” or the classic “oh yeah, I forgot one. It was an 8.” Basically everyone knows the cheating player is BSing, and sometimes a fellow player will call him or her on it. “That wasn’t a 7, come on dude.” But most of the time, especially if the game is not for money, people will let a few strokes here or there slide.

3. Shaving strokes by pretending certain swings were “practice.” This is most commonly seen when a player has landed in a sand trap (or “bunker”) and has taken 3 or 4 strokes to get out of there. Sand traps are great for cheating because many of them are sunk several feet into the ground, and it is often difficult for other players to tell what’s going on down there. Therefore, a player who hits a few balls into the wall of the sand trap in front of him can just fall back on the “those were just practice swings” move. If another player saw the swings, well the ball didn’t really move and it can be hard to tell. This move only really works in sand traps through because otherwise it becomes too overt.

4. Hitting the ball back in bounds from out of bounds. This is a move that I myself have pulled off many a time. I don’t respect out of bounds markers. Now, I understand that it’s not great to be crossing a busy road to get to a wayward drive and then hitting the ball back across said road. However, such thoroughfares aside I feel like a golfer should be able to chose to play any ball she can find. Nonetheless, although it is morally acceptable, this move is also technically cheating as you are supposed to take a penalty stroke or two.

5. Dropping a new ball on the ground when unable to find a lost ball. This is another very common move famously depicted in the James Bond movie Goldfinger and also I think a favorite of the Trumpster. In fact, that Trump probably stole this move from Goldfinger. A player pulls out this move when her drive or long iron has gone into the long grass or trees and after poking around, cannot be found. Here, the player will have a ball at the ready in a pocket and just casually drop the ball in a decent lie while calling out “I found it.” This move works well, and I recommend it to the golf cheater who wants to build a little subtlety into their repertoire.

6. Taking a “gimme.” A “gimme” is a shortish putt that instead of putting out the player just picks up and “counts.” Now I think this is actually against the spirit of golf in many ways because any golfer knows short putts are far from easy. In fact, short putts are fucking difficult. A two or three foot putt that a lot of players may take as gimmies are anything but, and can be extremely nerve-racking. A gimme player may shave 3–6 strokes easy over the course of a round from gimmes along. Gimme players suck, but they are everywhere, and many foursomes will just allow gimme play in the interest of speeding up the game and lowering scores. If a group is going to be a gimme group, they should really establish what this means. For example, a lot of putters have a leather grip of between one to two feet or so, and some people will play “gimmes inside the leather.” Putts inside the leather are still totally missable, however at least this is a standard. There is nothing worse than some dude looking at a 5 foot putt and just saying “I’m taking that.” Yeah, you’re taking it cause you’re missing it brother.

7. Taking a mulligan. This is only borderline cheating because it can only really be done by mutual agreement. A mulligan is when a golfer drives the ball into the water or the woods and just takes a do over. Some groups will give every player one mulligan per nine holes. I don’t really mind mulligan play, although it can reduce a total score by about 5. Mulligans are cheating, but they are civilized cheating.

8. Playing to one’s “handicap.” This is the most bizarre method of cheating, which I will explain a little later through the lens of my aunt’s second husband Jerry.

So my grandfather Bill Kolb, as you will already have ascertained, cheated at golf. He cheated at golf so religiously in fact that it was mentioned in his eulogy. Bill favored method #2 above. He might have taken a gimmie here and there, and maybe improved his lie a bit, but his go-to was just to cap his score on any given hole at 7. So if he scored a 7, he’d report a 7. If he scored a snowman, that’d be a 7 too. Sticks? Another 7. For a so-so player, capping scores at 7 is not a bad play, however it sometimes looks ridiculous. The 8>7 move is one thing, but if a player takes double digits to get the ball in the cup, his group mates are going to be aware. Bill’s devotion to the 7 cap though was tough to crack because he was absolutely consistent with it and it happened so often that one’s ability to resist was worn down and wilted. Through his 7 cap and a few other measures, Bill would usually be able to shave several strokes off his score and report in the 90s, a much more respectable outcome than low 100s. Everyone knew this, but no one could or wanted to do anything about it. He was the patriarch, he was beloved, and his cheating at golf over time became part of the reason people loved him.

My aunt’s second husband Jerry though is another matter. He favored cheating method #8, which is the most egregious and infuriating by a long shot. The dude would “play to his handicap” by playing every shot straight and scoring what he scored on each hole. Then, let’s say he made a 95 overall, we would say “hey there Jerry, 95 today?” and he’d say, “nope, 84. I played to my handicap.” What did this mean? It meant that he had recorded somewhere in a database or something that his handicap, or average score, was 84. This handicap was the purported result of an aggregated average of his rounds from some earlier point in time. Now, everyone on earth understands that just because you shot an once 84 five years ago you are not guaranteed to shoot an 84 today, or ever again actually. Dr. J used to be able to soar in the air and pull off 360 dunks, and today he can barely edge the ball over the rim. Time is a bitch, and in any case you can’t just claim an 84 because of some number in a database. It’s completely absurd. However, this was his move, every time.

I would play with Jerry and my dad and bothers, and because I have a big mouth sometimes, I would push back on his 84. “Hey man, you didn’t actually take an 84 though, you took a 95. So how is it that you got an 84.” “That’s my handicap,” he’d say, “I can’t score over my handicap.” What? Can’t score over my handicap? Yeah buddy, that’s like saying I can’t weigh over 164 pounds because I weighed that once. That’s absurd. But it didn’t matter. Dude was taking the 84 regardless. After all, he made one once.

The “play to my handicap” move bears no resemblance to how professional golfers deal with their handicap of course, nor does it track with any other sport in the world to my knowledge. No basketball player after a tough loss says, “now actually we didn’t lose because although the final score had us down by 6 my scoring average is 32 and although I only scored 17 tonight, I get +15 because it’s my average so we win by 9.” That player would rightly be seen as insane. No figure skater says, “well I fell twice tonight, but I usually don’t fall, so my score goes up by 1.2” or whatever. Golfers are full of it, I guess, and can get away with this kind of nonsense around their handicap.

Looking back, although I found both methods of cheating, the 7 cap and the play to my handicap move, annoying at the time the first remains far more forgivable than the second. The 7 cap is relatable — no one wants to see those high numbers on their card, and when done with a little joie de vivre comes across as very human. The handicap move is still pretty aggravating though. It’s like the handicap player is playing some kind of intellectual game, like they think they are smarter than you or something. Jerry is not a bad golfer per se, but he’s a 95 not an 84, and just needs to deal with it.

Dedication: For Bill Kolb, a great man but a mediocre golfer.