On the Pre-Game: A Response to Neil Strauss’ The Game

Note: This piece overlaps with my three essays in the Week with Elodie series, though it approaches that week from a somewhat different direction. Where those pieces follow the arc, this one lingers on the moment before it resolves—the pre-game, as I’ve come to understand it.

It is also a direct response to Neil Strauss’ book The Game. I don’t intend to rebut Strauss so much as to correct what I see as a fundamental weakness in the subculture he dissects. The reader will judge whether or not I succeed.

Epigraphs:

Someone had to play that tune. I guess it was up to me.

— Bob Dylan, “Up to Me”

It all made some sense if you know what to play

– J Mascis, Elastic Days

I. Ippei

At around eleven one night, I was at Zaza, the nightclub on Kiyamachi in Kyoto, when a Japanese man of about fifty-five approached me. Let’s call him Ippei.

He had a proposition. Would I help him pick up two women? All I had to do was pretend to be an old friend from California, someone he hadn’t seen in twenty years.

He did this every night, he told me. The night before, he’d had a threesome.

We went over to the women. Ippei launched into a conversation in Japanese, working his story. I went upstairs to smoke. Twenty minutes later, I came back down. Ippei was still going strong, telling the same story to the same women.

I watched him for a moment.

He didn’t need me. He just needed me to play a role.

His story had landed. Reality was accepted. It was all on.

II. Neil Strauss’ The Game

I’ve read Neil Strauss’ The Game twice. I respect Strauss as an investigator of subcultures, and I think the book is serious reportage. He went inside a world, learned its language, followed its characters, and documented what he found.

My problem isn’t with Strauss as a reporter. It’s with the worldview at the center of the subculture he describes.

The premise is that attraction can be engineered. Learn the right language, the right sequence, the right signals. Find the moves that will break down a woman’s resistance and get you into bed.

It’s a kind of linguistic technology, NLP at its worst.

The system scripts what should be alive. It turns a conversation into a sequence of maneuvers, an encounter into a problem to be solved. Everything becomes instrumental. The point of the interaction is no longer the interaction itself. It’s the outcome.

There’s no room for romance in that equation. No room for the unexpected moment that changes the direction of an evening, or a life. The system is designed to get you somewhere, but it can’t tell you whether that somewhere is worth going.

Look at the group house, with Mystery, Strauss, and Courtney Love, for whatever Courtney Love-related reasons. It’s a sausage fest. And it is simply not cool.

The Gamers may have mastered the game. But somewhere along the way, they’ve stepped outside life itself. They’ve become incel-adjacent: men who have devoted themselves to understanding women while losing sight of the possibility of actually connecting with one.

I’m not interested in rebutting Strauss point by point. Instead, it’s a response.

And for me, that’s where I part ways.

III. The Game Itself

I’ve gone all the way with about a dozen women. The precise number is under strict NDA. I’ve made out with more.

Until this past summer, I wasn’t sexually active by the standards of the pickup community. But I’ve flirted with, connected with, and crushed on dozens of women.

And the truth is, I enjoy crushing on women.

I enjoy the tension, the ambiguity, the possibility. The spark that might become something, or might not. The moment when you can feel something happening but don’t yet know what it is.

For most men, the pre-game is a means to an end. It’s the part you get through on the way to the thing you really want.

For me, it’s the end itself.

However, I’m a highly specific kind of action junkie.

Wittgenstein was said to have manufactured his own oxygen. I manufacture my own action.

I don’t chase it blindly. I don’t optimize for it. I don’t try to force it into existence through systems or scripts.

I generate it. Selectively. Intentionally. And in moments where it actually might mean something.

IV. Luna

I was at Umineko in downtown Kyoto with Mr. Editor. It was around six in the evening when I saw her.

She was stunning.

I have to go talk to her.

So I did.

We spoke in Japanese. The conversation flowed. There was a spark. At some point, I asked for her Instagram. She gave it to me.

I was on Cloud Nine.

The next afternoon, I sent her a message. She didn’t respond.

Was that a failure?

Not for a pre-gamer.

I got the moment. I got the spark. I approached a woman I wanted to meet, and we had a brief, electric encounter. For a little while, there was the possibility of something.

That was the action.

That was the point.

For the Strauss guys, the night ends when the text goes unanswered. The interaction has failed to produce the desired outcome. The system hasn’t delivered.

For me, the night ended at the bar.

With Ippei, the action was more or less scripted. With Strauss, it was systematized. With Luna, it was self-contained.

This is where the epigraph from Dylan starts to carry real weight.

The pre-game isn’t simply a technique for getting what you want. It’s the moment before the outcome, when the possibilities are still open. It’s the point at which you have to decide what to do without knowing what will happen.

You can follow a script. You can learn the system. You can spend years studying the game.

Or you can pay attention.

A script can tell you what to say. A system can tell you what to do next. Neither can tell you what a particular moment means, or what it might become.

And that’s the difference.

The pre-game is not about controlling the outcome. It’s about recognizing the possibility in front of you and deciding whether to act.

No script. No system. No Ippei handing you a premise.

There is only the moment as it actually exists, and your ability to see it clearly.

And then the second part.

It was up to me.

Not to escalate. Not to optimize. But to decide.

The game ends when something happens. The pre-game ends when you decide it should. That is all.

Dedication:

For pre-gamers everywhere. May you get a little action tonight, baby.

The Prize Falcon of Ali Rahman VII: An Elegy

Note: Today I am pleased to publish an elegy called The Prize Falcon of Ali Rahman VII Eyes His Prey.

This elegy is a prelude to my forthcoming piece On Coming Through II: A Personal Reflection at Age 52.

I am writing this reflection because I will very soon be moving back to Los Angeles, in the United States, the country in which I was born. I have lived in Japan for almost thirty years, and it is time to return home.

What I feel most strongly about leaving Japan is relief. Beyond that, I feel a measured confidence that I am ready for this next chapter of my life, along with a sense of anticipation about the friends I will see, the new people I will meet, the music I will play, and the possibilities that await me.

There is something about the wind, about the approach of a storm, and about our instincts which that tell us when it is time to move. We do not always know what lies ahead. Sometimes we simply know that something must change. What comes next is a mystery.

Epigraphs:

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer

W.B. Yeats

You are like a hurricane
There’s calm in your eyes

Neil Young

Ali Rahman VII releases his prize falcon into the air

The falcon swoops to the left and to the right
as he ascends

The falcon is hungry and looks for food
High in the air he looks down


He spies a mouse

The falcon is well trained and knows what to do


A hurricane is approaching
This is something new

The falcon adjusts his wings and prepares to dive

The mouse is oblivious to her doom

The falcon circles slowly and begins his dive
The mouse will be lucky to be alive

The mouse, in her way, senses danger is near
This little mouse experiences something like fear

She scurries toward her burrow

Deep down under the ground

The falcon pauses in midair and looks around

The mouse prepares to slide into her hole

The falcon dives

Dedication: For the gyre. You scare me.

Would you like a bit of Mr. Kelvin today kind sir?”ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT

Subtitle: The Trip.com Talking Blues

Epigraphs:

Trip.com you are way outta control.

Hey Kelvin suck another towel coach.

One fine day I went into Trip.com settings
To turn off the red thing that was pissing me off
I figured it’d take me about half a second,
But the folks who designed it were outta control
I clicked on the menu, I looked at the screen,
I was calm, I was patient, I was courteous and clean.
Then a question appeared that I’d never foreseen:
Would you like to set your temperature?

Well, I don’t want a temperature, I want these weirdo notifications gone,
I’ve been pushing these buttons since the break of dawn. Which is way bad.


I don’t need a forecast, I don’t need a degree,
I just want Trip.com to quit bothering me.
But the little screen asked me, with his sneaky little charm,
If I’d like to select a temperature alarm.
I said, “No, thank you kindly, I mean no offense,”
But the question came back with no common sense.

It said, “Would you prefer Celsius?” I said, “No.”
“Would you prefer Fahrenheit?” I said, “No.”
It said, “We have another scale you might like to employ.”
I said, “Buddy, I’m a grown man, not a temperature boy.”
It said, “There’s a third option, a scientific delight.”
I said, “I came here to turn off a red light.”
Then it offered me something from the physicists’ shelf:
Kelvin. I said, “What are you smoking? Get a grip.”

Now Kelvin Sampson, the basketball coach he didn’t do a thing,
But his name came to mind like a telephone ring
I thought of this bozo and I started to grin,

Ralph Sampson hit a three. Rockets win.


While Trip.com was asking me to let thermodynamics in.
I was trying to go to bed, I was trying to get free,
Now absolute zero was being offered to me.
I said, “I’ve got enough problems, I’ve got bills to pay.
I don’t quite need Lord Kelvin in my settings today.”

Oh, I know all about Celsius, I know Fahrenheit, too,
And I know that absolute zero is a scientific breakthrough.
I know Lord Kelvin had a reason for the scale that he made,
But I wasn’t in the market for a temperature trade.
I wasn’t booking Antarctica, I wasn’t measuring space,
I was trying to get one red notification the fuck outta my face.
You can put all your units in a beautiful array,
But I came here to say what I came here to say.

Now I’ve got my phone settings, I’ve got apps by the score,
I’ve got permissions and tracking and a hundred things more.
I’ve got background refresh and a microphone switch,
I’ve got Siri and Search making life a little rich.
I’ve got Live Activities and a location decree,
I’ve got every damn company trying to manage me.
But when I ask for one simple thing, here’s the answer I get:
A choice of temperature I never asked for yet.

So I laughed till I cried, and I laughed till I wheezed,
I laughed at the screen and I laughed at the keys.
I was dead, then alive, then deceased once again,
While Trip.com kept on behaving like an administrative hen.
I thought of my house and the money I need,
And the things I must sell and the bills I must feed.
I said, “I’ve got a whole life to get back on track.
I don’t need Kelvin. I want my notifications back.”

So here’s my conclusion, my statement, my vow:
I don’t want your temperature, then or now.
Celsius can leave, Fahrenheit can depart,
Kelvin can take his thermodynamics and make a fresh start.
Trip.com, listen, and listen up well:
I’ve got one little message, and here’s how I’ll tell—
You can ask me a thousand times, but the answer’s still NO.
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. Now let me go.

Dedication: Kelvin Sampson you are outta control.

Live From Arlington Virginia It’s the Larry King Show!

Larry: Jim Bowden, your thoughts?

Jim: I was told Randy Moss kicked a 47-yard field goal.

Larry: That’s right.

Jim: I cover baseball.

Larry: We’ll be right back.

JIM BOWDEN: “Well, Larry, I know Cheever primarily as a five-tool suburban writer. Excellent with adultery, very good with alcohol, above-average swimming-pool work, strong commuter-rail presence. Never had much of a fastball.”

LARRY: “Was he with the Angels?”

BOWDEN: “Not to my knowledge.”

LARRY: “Could he play third?”

BOWDEN: “Everybody can play third until the ball gets hit to them.”

LARRY: “That’s why you’re here, Jim.”

BOWDEN: “Alcohol, Larry.”

LARRY: “That’ll do it.”

BOWDEN: “Also he was a writer.”

LARRY: “We’ll be right back.”

LARRY: “Next topic.”

BABA BOOEY: “Well, we should probably issue three corrections from the previous segment.”

LARRY: “I don’t care for corrections.”

BABA BOOEY: “That’s why we need them.”

LARRY: “Seventeen degrees. That’s pretty warm.”

BOWDEN: “Excellent launch angle.”

LARRY: “Could you hit a ball from Antigua to the equator?”

BOWDEN: “Not with today’s bats.”

LARRY: “No, I don’t read Infinite Jest. I read USA Today. They’ve got those little graphs. I know where I stand.”

LAWRENCE WELK: “A-one and a-two—”

LARRY: “Lawrence, shut the fuck up. You’re here to cover for me, not overthrow the program.”

DRYSDALE: “Can I go?”

LARRY: “You’re dead, Don. Where are you going?”

DRYSDALE: “Fair point.”

BABA BOOEY: “For the record, Larry, David Foster Wallace actually did write Consider the Lobster.”

LARRY: “I knew that.”

BABA BOOEY: “You said Consider the Cruise Ship.”

LARRY: “He considered that too.”

LARRY: “No, I don’t read Infinite Jest. I read USA Today. They’ve got those little graphs. I know where I stand.”

LAWRENCE WELK: “A-one and a-two—”

LARRY: “Lawrence, shut the fuck up. You’re here to cover for me, not overthrow the program.”

DRYSDALE: “Can I go?”

LARRY: “You’re dead, Don. Where are you going?”

DRYSDALE: “Fair point.”

BABA BOOEY: “For the record, Larry, David Foster Wallace actually did write Consider the Lobster.”

LARRY: “I knew that.”

BABA BOOEY: “You said Consider the Cruise Ship.”

LARRY: “He considered that too.”

And that, amazingly, is correct. The Wallace cruise-ship essay is “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.” So Larry has accidentally wandered within about six feet of the truth again.

But the Lawrence Welk sequence is magnificent because the fabrication acquires its own internal scholarly apparatus. Welk starts with bubbles, somehow graduates from the entirely fictitious Molasses Wars, 1788–1951, invents the red fire hydrant after being inspired by a Mormon traffic-light inventor, then obtains the color red from Jordan Peterson approximately seventy years in the future, which leads naturally to lobsters, which leads naturally to DFW, which leads naturally to:

“Do Your Best.”

That’s the killer. Infinite Jest → Do Your Best is exactly the kind of Larry King title correction that should exist.

LARRY: “Did you read Do Your Best, Lawrence?”

WELK: “No. Too long.”

LARRY: “How far’d you get?”

WELK: “Page eleven.”

LARRY: “What happened?”

WELK: “Don’t know. Lotta footnotes.”

DRYSDALE: “I read the Baseball Encyclopedia.”

LARRY: “All of it?”

DRYSDALE: “No. Looked myself up.”

LARRY: “Relief appearances?”

DRYSDALE: “That’s what we’re trying to establish.”

Meanwhile the one actual piece of recovered history from this broadcast is terrific: The Gemini Kid: The Collected Writings of an Open-Hearted Jellyfish. Not open-handed. Open-hearted. Much better title. And the damned thing is still sitting there on WordPress after all these years.

That archaeological dig may actually be worth doing sometime. Not tonight. Tonight Manny needs to get alone, and Lawrence Welk has apparently been entrusted with the network.

LARRY: “We’ll be back.”

WELK: “A-one and a—”

LARRY: “Don’t push it, Lawrence.”

END

Marci Gets Abducted by Aliens, and Mr. Johnson Freaks Out

Marci Gets Abducted by Aliens, and Mr. Johnson Freaks Out

I’ve got a two-pack habit and a motel tan.

—Steve Earle

There are aliens in our midst.

—Wussy

Scene One

One fine day, Marci was abducted by aliens.

That’s right! A mothership just popped down and scooped her up while she was mowing her lawn.

Marci lives in a nice suburban house outside Wilmington, Delaware, with her husband Fred and their two kids.

Next door lived Mr. Johnson and his wife Betty.

Mr. Johnson had recently fallen in love with Marci.

Obviously.

When Marci woke up, she was strapped to some kind of bed in a room with white walls and very bright lights.

Her head hurt.

A tall alien stood over her.

“Hey, Marci. Welcome to our mothership. I’m Bob. I’m the boss around here.”

“Okay, Bob. I want to go home,” said Marci.

“Yeah, pretty soon,” said Bob. “But first we need to run a few more tests.”

“Tests?” said Marci. “What kind of tests?”

“Oh, you know. Blood tests, nitrogen levels, respiration rate, that kind of stuff.”

“Oh, really? Come on, Bob, make it quick.”

“Yeah, maybe,” said Bob. “And then we also have to give you the environmental spiel.”

“The what?”

“Oh, the environmental spiel. You watch TV, right? You know aliens are always giving the environmental spiel. Like information on how the environment’s dying and it’s bad and everything.”

Marci looked up at him.

“Bob, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Yeah, Marci, sorry. It’s just something we have to do.”

“Why?”

“No reason really”said Bob.

“Huh?”

“Anyways, you’re an important test subject. We’ve got a lot of work to do together.”

“Whatever, Bob.”

Scene Two

Meanwhile, back on Earth, somebody had noticed that Marci was missing.

A random passerby had called the police.

Police Chief Dan Collins got the call. 

He called Mr. Johnson.

“Hey, Mr. Johnson. How are you doing today?”

“So so Chief Collins. What’s going on?”

“Call me Dan.”

“Sure thing, Dan. What’s going on?”

“Well, we don’t know yet,” said Chief Collins. “Looks like Marci was abducted by aliens.”

“Holy shit,” said Mr. Johnson. “Really?”

“That’s what we’re hearing.”

“Well shit.”

“Yeah. I’ll let you know when we know more.”

“I’m coming over,” said Mr. Johnson.

“Wilson, don’t…”

Mr. Johnson had already hung up.

He was increasingly freaking out.

Scene Three

Mr. Johnson got in his Buick and drove to the police station.

Chief Collins went out to meet him.

“Hey, Wilson. I told you there was no need to come over.”

“I know, Dan, but I had to come. You know I’m in love with Marci.”

“Yeah, yeah. I think everyone knows that by now there, Wilson.”

“Yeah, I thought so.”

CRASH!

“Hey, Wilson, what the heck was that?”

“I don’t know, Dan. Some kind of car crash.”

“Shit,” said Chief Collins. “Let’s go take a look.”

They walked around the side of the building.

A Jeep 4×4 had run into the side of the police station.

The wall was slightly dented, but looked OK. 

A somewhat older man with long hair tied back in a ponytail and a salt-and-pepper beard climbed out of the Jeep.

He winced and looked around.

“Are you alright?”asked Mr. Collins.

“I think so,” said the man. “I’m sorry about the building.”

“What happened?”

“I was driving home and, well, I guess I ran into your station.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“Maybe just a little.”

“How much?”

“One or two, I think.”

Chief Collins knew this was bullshit, but he let it slide.

“Hey, Dan,” said Mr. Johnson. “I could really use a drink myself.”

“Maybe later. We got to make sure this guy’s alright

“What do you do?” asked Chief Collins.

“Well I’m Steve Earle and I’m a songwriter. Yeah, I write songs and stuff.”

“Well, that’s cool, Steve. Are you, like, famous or something?”

“Yeah, yeah, I guess you could say I’m kind of famous. I mean, I do okay.”

“Well, fucking A, Steve Earle. That sounds pretty cool.”

Steve Earle nodded.

Then he looked up.

About two hundred feet above them, a huge silver mothership was hovering in the sky.

Mr. Johnson’s face went white.

“That’s where Marci is.”

Steve Earle looked up at the ship.

“Marci?”

Then he looked at Mr. Johnson.

“Oh yeah, I know Marci. I think I can get her down.”

SCENE THREE

Mr. Johnson blinked and registered the fact that Steve Earle apparently knew his girlfriend Marci.

Steve Earle lit a cigarette and offered one to the two men. “You boys wanna smoke?”

“Hell yeah Steve Earle” said Mr. Johnson. In addition to freaking out Mr. Johnson was also just a bit stressed. 

“Thanks there Steve Earle. I’ll have one after we get Marci back.” 

Chief Collins was, after all, a professional. 

“Suit yourself” said Steve Earle. 

He walked back to his Jeep, opened up the back, and pulled out a heavy-duty tow cable.

“What’s that for?” asked Chief Collins.

“Getting things unstuck.”

Steve looked up at the ship.

“I don’t know guys” he said. “It’s just sort of hanging there. Let’s see if this works.”

He looked down at the cable and back up at the ship.

“What’s the plan, Steve?” asked Mr. Johnson.

“I’m just making a little fishing line for that there spaceship.”

“You can’t lasso a spaceship Steve” said Chief Collins.

“Well, I guess we’re gonna find out,” said Steve Earle.

Steve hooked the cable to the winch on his Jeep.

Then he slung the cable into the air. Somehow the cable caught around the middle of the mothership.

Steve Earle yanked the winch.

The cable tightened and the mothership began to descend. Slowly at first, then faster.

“Holy shit!” said Chief Collins, as he watched.

Steve Earle kept working the winch.

The mothership came down into an empty field behind the police station with a tremendous metallic WHUMP.

The ship was somewhat  damaged and a door popped open.

Marci stumbled out. She looked around and saw Mr. Collins and Mr. Johnson. 

Then she saw Steve Earle standing beside his Jeep with one hand on the winch.

“Hey, Marci. What’s going on?” said Steve Earle.

“Well, I don’t know, Steve. It looks like I just got abducted by aliens.”

“Yeah figures,” said Steve Earle.

Mr. Johnson was increasingly freaking out.

“Hey, Marci, how do you know this Steve fella anyway?”

“Oh, you know, Wilson. I’m a big fan of Steve’s, and I won this contest thing to have lunch with him.”

“Yeah, Marci’s a real riot there Wilson,” said Steve Earle.

“Yeah, okay, Steve. But, like, Marci—I mean, did you guys sleep together or what?”

“No, no, silly,” said Marci. “We didn’t sleep together. Anyway, I’m married, as you know.”

Steve Earle and Mr. Collins exchanged knowing glances.

“But I’m in love with you,” said Mr. Johnson.

“Yeah, I know,” said Marci.

“Also, I saved you,” said Mr. Johnson.

“No, you didn’t. Steve Earle did. How did you save me actually Steve?” she asked. 

“Well, I guess I just kind of lassoed the spaceship,” said Steve Earle.

“Yeah, we saw that,” said Mr. Johnson. “But that was a pretty weird thing to do.”

“Yeah,” said Steve Earle.

“You just lassoed it with a rope?” said Mr. Johnson.

“Well, technically it was a tow cable.”

Mr. Johnson turned to Marci.

“You had lunch with this guy. You drank brandy with him. He put you in a limousine. And now he lassoed a fucking spaceship and saved you, or something?”

“Pretty much,” said Marci.

“Jesus Christ, Marci.”

Steve Earle reached into the passenger side of his 4×4 and pulled out a mostly full bottle of vodka.

“Here you go, Mr. Johnson. This is the good shit,” he said.

“Oh, hey, thanks,” said Mr. Johnson. “This will really hit the spot.”

Mr. Johnson took a big slug, and then another.

“Hey, you might want to slow down there, Wilson. You have to drive home, right?” said Chief Collins.

“Well, I was hoping Marci could drive me home,” said Mr. Johnson.

“Jesus, Wilson. I just got off this totally random ass spaceship and you’re not even going to drive me home? What’s going on?”

“Yeah, what are you smoking there, Wilson? Something good, I hope,” said Steve Earle.”

“Hey, Steve. I’m not really smoking anything right now. I’m just drinking your vodka. Thanks again.”

“Yeah, drink up.”

Mr. Johnson passed the bottle to Marci who took a big drink. 

“You are gonna drive me home after all aren’t you W?” said Marci.

“No, he’s not,” said Chief Collins. “I’ll call you an Uber.”

Chief Collins pulled out his police cell phone and called an Uber.

A few minutes later, the Uber arrived.

The driver’s name was Jack.

Jack looked at the damaged mothership.

Then he looked at the dented police station.

Then he looked at Steve Earle.

Then he looked at Marci, Mr. Johnson, and Chief Collins.

He decided not to ask any questions.

Marci and Mr. Johnson slipped into the back seat.

Before getting in, Marci leaned over and gave Wilson a quick kiss on the cheek.

Mr. Johnson blushed.

“Hey, Wilson, you were really freaking out back there for a bit,” said Marci.

“Yeah,” said Mr. Johnson. “I guess I was. I’m just happy to have you home, honey.”

“I’m happy to be home too,” said Marci.

They got into the Uber and drove off together.

Steve Earle watched the car disappear down the road.

Then he turned to Chief Collins.

“Hey, Chief. That was quite a day, wasn’t it?”

“Sure was,” said Chief Collins.

He looked at Steve Earle.

“Hey, Steve, what do you have going on there? Some kind of motel tan?”

“Yeah,” said Steve Earle. “Something like that.

FIN

Dedication: For Marci. Hope you got home safe there babes. And for Chief Collins, Mr. Johnson, Steve Earle, and some guy called. Jack. You’re a bunch of bozos, but you’re still ok in my book. Finally got my Middle School French teacher Monsieur Dreyer. You’re getting all outta control again there sir and you’re a bit of a weirdo, but you still rule baby.

Beavis and Butt-Head See J Mascis Smash His Guitar

Hello everyone. I hope you are all having a great start to Fall. 

I’ve taken a little break from publishing on the Kibitzer for various reasons nobody needs to know. Ha ha ha.

Today I’m happy to release a new piece called “Beavis and Butt-Head See J Mascis Smash His Guitar.”

This is my second installment in my ongoing Beavis and Butt-Head series. You can read the first one here Beavis and Butt-Head, Play Two.

I was 19 when Beavis and Butt-Head premiered on MTV in 1993. I wasn’t the biggest fan at the time, but I always appreciated their humor and thought they were hilarious. Which is an understatement.

Today, I still enjoy the Beavis and Butt-Head universe, so I thought I’d take a turn at writing a few episodes of my own. Writing Beavis and Butt-Head episodes is a lot of fun, however it’s also a little challenging in that you want to be a bit careful not to overdo the boys’ catchphrases.

“Shut the fuck up, Butt-Head.”

“Shut the fuck up, Beavis.”

“No, you shut the fuck up, Butt-Head. You’re a dumbass.”

“No, you’re the dumbass. And you’re a moron.”

“Oh, yeah I am a dumbass. I forgot.”

Well, something like that.

These redolent phrases are a big part of what makes Beavis and Butt-Head who they are. However, as someone relatively new to the Beavis and Butt-Head game, I have a tendency to overdo them. I’m trying to keep this tendency in check, while still giving the boys enough room to be the boys.

If you’ve read any of these episodes, please drop a note in the comments and let me know what you think. Am I getting the balance right, or am I leaning too heavily on the familiar catchphrases?

I hope you enjoy this one, and thank you as always for reading.

===== =====

One fine September evening, Beavis and Butt-Head went to Santa Cruz to see a J Mascis concert. They got there somehow.


The boys got in a little early, each grabbed a couple of beers, and found a spot somewhat near the front, in the center of the crowd.


“Hey, Butt-Head, look at that!”


“What?”


“This guy’s a fucking J Mascis guy. He’s, like, smashing his guitar or something.”


“What the fuck you talking about, Beavis?”


“Look, Butt-Head! He’s, like, smashing his fucking guitar and there’s sparks going all over the place.”


“Really?”


“Yeah, look!”


Butt-Head looks.


“Holy shit, Beavis, you’re right. It’s fucking going all over the place.”


The sparks fly higher. A small fire catches beneath the drum kit.


“Hey, Beavis, look at that fucking drummer. His hair’s on fire.”


“Oh shit, Butt-Head! His hair’s on fire!”


“Is he gonna die?”


“Yeah, Butt-Head. Dying rules. Die, die, die!”

The drummer looks behind him, notices the fire, and kicks at a burning cable. A roadie rushes onto the stage with a fire extinguisher.


“Whoa, check it out, Beavis. He’s, like, putting out the fire or something.”


“Yeah, Butt-Head. What a dumbass.”


“Hey, Beavis, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and smoke a cigarette.”


“Okay, Butt-Head. Yeah, watch out.”


Butt-Head makes his way toward the bathroom.


Inside, he enters a stall and lights a cigarette. A pair of shoes appears beneath the partition.


“Hey, what are you doing in there? You smoking?”


“No. Shut up.”


Butt-Head takes a drag.


Fucking dumbass.


The man leaves.


Butt-Head finishes his cigarette and walks back into the hall.


J Mascis and the band prepare for the encore. The first few notes of “Electric Days” are played.


“Hey, Beavis! This is that song, ‘See You at the Movies,’ right?”


“Uh, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I don’t know. Yeah. Uh…”


“Shut up, Beavis. It is. It’s ‘See You at the Movies.'”


“Yeah, whatever.”


The band continues to play “Electric Days.” Beavis looks up and starts paying attention

.
“Hey, Butt-Head.”


“What?”


“I think he’s saying, like, ‘Electric Days’ or something.”


“Yeah, dude. That’s part of the song.”


“Yeah, Butt-Head, I don’t think so.”


“Hey, Beavis.”


“Yeah, Butt-Head?”


“What if he’s singing, like, singing about the movies and the days are electric?”
“What?”


“You know, like, the days are electric and the movies are something.”


“Yep. That’s what I just said.”


“Yeah, whatever.”


The song builds. J Mascis leans into the guitar, his hair hanging over his face. The crowd moves closer to the stage.


“Hey, Beavis.”


“Yeah, Butt-Head?”


“Smash it, smash it.”


“Yeah, Beavis. He’s gonna smash it.


J Mascis finishes the song without smashing his guitar. The crowd cheers.


“Hey, Beavis, that guy was pretty cool.”
“Yeah, Butt-Head.”


“Think he smashes all his guitars?”


“Yeah, Butt-Head. He smashes his guitars.”


“Cool.”


“Yeah.”


“Hey, Butt-Head.”


“What?”


“Do you think he gets paid for that?”


“Shut up, Beavis.”


The boys finish their beers outside the ballroom.


“Hey, Butt-Head.”


“What?”


“I’m gonna go back in and get this guy J Mascis’s autograph.”


“Why?”


“Because he rules. I want, like, a fucking autograph or something.”


“Beavis, that’s stupid. What’s he gonna autograph? Like, your ass?”


“No, dumbass. I’ll get the poster, too.”


“Okay, fine, Beavis. Whatever. But with what money?”


“I got money.”


“Where’d you get money?”


“Shut up, I got money. Whoa, check it out. Four dollars.”


The boys walk back into the ballroom.
Inside, a line has formed near the stage. A folding table has been set up, with posters and a few records laid out on it.


“What the fuck is all this line about?” Move, people, move, move.”


“Shut up, Beavis. Get in line.”


The boys stand at the back of the line.


“Hey, Butt-Head. This is taking too long.”


“Shut up.”


“Hey, Butt-Head, what if he leaves?”


“Then you don’t get your stupid autograph.”


The line moves forward.


Eventually, Beavis reaches the table. J Mascis is sitting behind it, smiling politely.


“Hey, J.”


“Hey.”


“You’re fucking cool, J.”


“Thanks, man.”


“Can I get your autograph?”


“Sure.”


Beavis places four dollars on the table.


“Can I get a poster, too?”


“Yeah, they’re four bucks.”


J hands him a poster. Beavis looks at it.
“Whoa. This is fucking cool.”


J signs the poster and hands it back.


“Thanks, J.”


Beavis steps away from the table.


“Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.”


“Yeah, I saw that, dumbass.”


“I got this guy’s autograph.”


“So what?”


“I’m gonna be famous.”


“No, dumbass. J Mascis is famous. You’re not.”
“Oh yeah. I forgot.”


“Shut up, Beavis.”


“Yeah, but I got it.”

THE END

On The Death of the Second Life

Subtitle: Why Nobody Can Disappear Anymore

There’s a one in a billion chance we’re in base reality.

—Elon Musk

You’re a quick study, aren’t you?

—Freddie Miles, The Talented Mr. Ripley

I fought the law and the law won.

—Sonny Curtis

On Disappearing

It used to be possible to disappear. Not easy, exactly, and rarely clean. You needed nerve, mobility, a little money, a plausible story, perhaps a talent for accents, and the good sense not to return to the same bar every Thursday. You needed to understand that most identity was local. A man was the person his neighbors recognized, his employer paid, his landlord tolerated and the woman across the street remembered seeing come home. If he crossed an ocean, a mountain range or sometimes merely a state line, he passed through an interval in which nobody knew him well enough to contradict him. That interval was the birthplace of the second life.

The interval has nearly closed. A person may still abandon a marriage, occupation, city or circle of friends. He may stop answering the telephone and go silent on social media. The difficulty begins when he wants an apartment, salary, bank account, prescription, airline ticket or hotel room. The machinery that enables ordinary existence is now the machinery that identifies us. Every convenience asks the same question in a different form: are you still the person you were yesterday? The modern fugitive may escape a room, but eventually he needs an ATM.

This is not merely a criminal fantasy for me. Years ago I invented the Thin Man, the central figure in The Thin Man and Andrea, as an alter ego and doppelgänger. He is Niko, although the first book withholds even that. He carries an ambiguous face and an American-seeming education acquired elsewhere. He moves through the world of corporate espionage, which is partly a MacGuffin and partly an excuse to put him aboard a cruise ship, in hotel bars, and within striking distance of Andrea, Jessica, Maya, Desiree and women who sense that his absence of a past is also a kind of invitation. The submarine in the earliest version became a cruise ship because a cruise ship can plausibly contain a temporary world: flags, ports, false intimacies, a cabin to abandon and another country waiting in the morning.

The Thin Man was never fundamentally an alien or a figure composed of negative space, although traces of those early ideas remain. The governing fantasy was simpler. He was me without social, professional or familial responsibility. He could love somebody without joining her calendar. He could enter a city without owing the city an explanation. The plot offered him passports, handlers and invented business, but his real superpower was exemption. He lived without the claims that make an ordinary person locatable.

I now possess fewer of those claims than I once did. My professional responsibilities have diminished. My marriage has ended. My son is grown. In some respects I am living the Thin Man dream, although with less espionage and considerably more concern about hotel credits. The discovery is predictable but still worth making: relief from responsibility does not make a man somebody else. It simply leaves him alone with a clearer version of the same man.

Daniel Defoe understood the mechanical version of the fantasy three centuries ago. When I was fifteen, several friends and I discussed burning or drowning Moll Flanders. We meant the physical book, naturally, not Moll herself. The novel seemed interminable. Moll acquired another name, husband, lover, crime, punishment, jurisdiction and source of money; then the process began again. At fifteen this felt less like structure than clerical error. At fifty-two I can see that the repetition is the structure. “Moll Flanders” announces that the name is not her own. Her identity consists of whatever biography can survive the next room.

Moll is born in Newgate Prison, passes through households and marriages, becomes a thief, evades execution through transportation, returns to Virginia and eventually obtains prosperity and something resembling repentance. She can repeatedly become another woman because identity in her world is portable. It is held in clothing, speech, manners, money and the testimony of the few people nearby. A past can be defeated by distance.

John McAfee tried to perform the same operation in a world that already made it ridiculous. Wanted for questioning in Belize after the 2012 murder of his neighbor Gregory Faull, McAfee hid, fled and simultaneously turned his flight into a media production. He claimed that he buried himself in sand for hours with a cardboard box over his head. He dyed his hair repeatedly and stuffed chewing gum beneath his upper lip as a disguise. The founder of an antivirus company attempted to defeat recognition by making his mouth slightly lumpier.

McAfee possessed money, technical knowledge, mobility, paranoia and an almost supernatural resistance to embarrassment. He nevertheless contacted journalists, issued updates and supplied the public with a running commentary on his disappearance. A photograph posted by the Vice reporters accompanying him contained location metadata pointing toward Guatemala. McAfee wanted to vanish and receive credit for vanishing. That contradiction will return. For now it is enough to say that Moll Flanders could escape because nobody in Virginia had read the London file. McAfee carried the file with him, broadcasting all the way.

The Portable Self

The literature of disappearance flourished before the administrative state completed its map. Luigi Pirandello’s The Late Mattia Pascal, published in 1904, supplies the cleanest philosophical version. Mattia, trapped in an unhappy life, discovers that a corpse has been mistaken for his own. The world has accidentally released him. He takes another name and attempts to enjoy the freedom of a man officially dead.

But a man without a past possesses no enforceable future. Mattia’s second identity cannot securely marry, own, complain to the police or participate in the institutions through which personality becomes social fact. He has escaped the first life without acquiring the legal substance required for a second. Pirandello arrives at the modern paradox before biometrics: identity is a burden until one needs its protection.

Jean Valjean and Edmond Dantès offer opposing French solutions. Valjean becomes Monsieur Madeleine through moral action. He builds an industry, employs a town, practices generosity and becomes mayor. He changes so completely that the humane judgment is to regard him as a different man. Javert refuses. For Javert, the file is the man, and goodness performed under an alias is merely a fugitive’s more sophisticated disguise. Les Misérables places grace in conflict with administrative continuity.

Dantès, in The Count of Monte Cristo, builds identity through theater and money. Wealth buys clothes, servants, property, introductions, silence and the assumption of prior importance. Nobody asks the Count for a childhood photograph because aristocratic confidence authenticates itself. Dantès does not erase his first life so much as return with a second one powerful enough to prosecute it.

James Gatz performs the American variation. He becomes Jay Gatsby not primarily to evade the law but to escape poverty, embarrassment and the intolerable smallness of his assigned place. Gatsby manufactures manner, history and spectacle. His tragedy is not that the new identity convinces nobody. It convinces almost everybody. Daisy remains dangerous because she knew him before the costume was complete. The person who remembers the original name possesses veto power over the second life.

These stories depend upon a portable self: an identity capable of crossing a boundary and being accepted on the strength of performance. Sometimes the transformation is moral, sometimes theatrical and sometimes criminal. Each assumes that a society contains blank spaces. The traveler enters one and begins supplying information before contradictory information arrives.

You’re a Quick Study, Aren’t You?

Tom Ripley is the great student of the portable self. In Patricia Highsmith’s novel and Anthony Minghella’s 1999 film, Tom begins as a watcher. He studies wealth before he attempts to inhabit it. He studies jazz, handwriting, clothes, gestures, voices and the particular freedom enjoyed by people whose money causes strangers to complete their stories for them. Dickie Greenleaf possesses everything Tom lacks: beauty, ease, inheritance and the right to become bored with other people.

Tom’s desire is not reducible to robbery. He wants proximity to Dickie, then recognition from Dickie, then the life of Dickie. When those desires become incompatible, murder provides the transition. Tom can imitate Dickie because he has watched with the concentration of the excluded. The peeping is apprenticeship.

Freddie Miles recognizes the dangerous speed of Tom’s education. Visiting Dickie’s Roman apartment, he notices that Tom suddenly understands the geography, furnishings and habits of a life in which he supposedly remains a guest. “You’re a quick study, aren’t you?” Freddie asks. It is a brilliant accusation because it identifies the one part of imitation that cannot be disguised: the curve of improvement. Yesterday Tom did not know where anything was. Today he gives directions.

Seconds later, Tom kills him with the stone head of Hadrian. A Roman emperor becomes the instrument by which the social climber removes a witness. The joke is almost too exact. Freddie does not possess fingerprints or facial-recognition software. He possesses memory, class instinct and contempt. He knows what Tom looked like before Tom learned the role.

Tom’s impersonation is fraudulent, but it is also emotionally sincere. Being Dickie feels more authentic to him than remaining Tom. That is why Ripley endures beyond the machinery of the thriller. He embodies the suspicion that our socially verified identity may be less true than the person we could convincingly perform if nobody interrupted us. He also demonstrates the price. Each new witness becomes a threat because the second life demands the permanent editing of the first.

The criminal achievement eventually becomes less impressive than the psychological imprisonment. Tom escapes particular investigations, but he cannot stop monitoring the room. He must hear every hesitation in his adopted name and see every glance toward the piano, ring or signature. A successful second life is not freedom. It is a part one can never stop playing.

Dick Whitman and Don Draper

Dick Whitman performs the most durable modern transformation in American television. During the Korean War, an explosion kills Lieutenant Donald Draper beside him. Dick exchanges identification tags with the dead officer, survives under Draper’s name and returns to the United States inside a clerical conclusion. War supplies the confusion, body and paperwork. The dead man exits; the living man acquires his place.

Unlike Ripley, Don does not live permanently at the edge of exposure. The new identity accumulates institutional weight. Don works, pays taxes, marries, buys property, fathers children and builds a career. Time itself begins authenticating him. After enough years, the invented man possesses more documentary substance than the abandoned one.

Advertising is the ideal profession because Don’s labor reproduces his own transformation. He takes an ordinary product, suppresses its manufacturing history and gives it a story people prefer. He does the same with himself. The handsome executive, suburban husband and creative genius are not wholly false. They are real accomplishments attached to stolen paperwork.

Yet Mad Men understands that the administrative victory cannot settle the psychological case. Dick is not chiefly afraid that a camera will recognize him. He is afraid that intimacy will. Every person who approaches Don closely eventually reaches the locked room containing Dick Whitman: his poverty, family, desertion, shame and the knowledge that another man’s death financed his ascent.

The Thin Man fantasy and the Don Draper fantasy meet here. Remove the obligations, choose the wardrobe, enter the next room with a name nobody questions. What remains is the person who performed the removal. The Eagles’ old line is unavoidable: “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.” One may leave a home, spouse, profession and nation. The ghosts keep the original booking.

The Missing and the Dead

Ambrose Bierce entered Mexico in 1913 and disappeared. That is nearly everything we know about this paritcular case. He may have joined Pancho Villa’s forces, reached Chihuahua and died quickly. He may have been executed, killed himself, succumbed to illness or continued traveling. The absence of evidence has generated a century of endings because disappearance makes authors of the people left behind.

Bierce had already written one of literature’s cruelest imaginary escapes. In “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge,” Peyton Farquhar falls from a bridge with a rope around his neck, escapes into the water, runs home and approaches his wife—only for the narrative to reveal that the journey occurred inside the final instant before his broken body swings beneath the bridge. The mind creates a second life because the body has no exit. Bierce’s own disappearance feels uncannily like an extension of the story, although we should resist converting formal elegance into evidence. He probably did not begin again. He probably died where the map became uncertain.

John List demonstrates how recently a complete second life remained possible. After murdering his wife, mother and three children in New Jersey in 1971, he traveled west and became Robert Peter Clark. He found accounting work, joined a Lutheran church, remarried and lived within ordinary society for nearly eighteen years. List was not sleeping in a cave. He was commuting, filing returns and participating in carpools. The jurisdictions containing John List and Robert Clark did not effectively speak to one another.

Television finally forced the conversation. America’s Most Wantedaired the case in 1989 using an age-progressed sculpture whose resemblance to List was extraordinary. A former neighbor recognized him. Fingerprints from his military records completed the identification. List stands at the border between eras: he constructed the second life through disconnected paper systems and lost it when mass media connected a face to the buried name.

John Darwin attempted the comic British variation in 2002. He paddled into the North Sea, staged his death and allowed his wife to collect insurance and pension payments while he secretly lived nearby. The plan expanded toward Panama. It collapsed when an online photograph showed the supposedly dead man beside his wife. A basic image search linked John, Anne and Panama. The second life had appeared on the first page of the internet.

Robert Hoagland achieved something quieter. He vanished from Connecticut in 2013 and lived in New York as Richard King until his death in 2022. The new life appears to have been modest rather than operatic. That may be the surviving modern model: abandon grandeur, remain geographically ordinary, ask institutions for as little as possible and hope nobody searches the correct connection. His identity was established after death.

Ryan Borgwardt showed in 2024 how poorly the romantic disappearance now survives contact with the contemporary record. He staged a kayaking death in Wisconsin and left the country. Investigators found evidence of preparation, travel and financial activity, contacted him abroad and persuaded him to return. In 2025 a judge sentenced him to eighty-nine days in jail, matching the period during which he had actively misled authorities, and ordered restitution toward the costly search. The symmetry of the sentence was better than the plan.

These cases are morally different. Bierce may simply have died. Hoagland appears to have abandoned a family without committing the crimes of List or Darwin. List was a murderer. The point is not to place them in one ethical category. It is to watch the available space contract. List could build an ordinary life for eighteen years. Borgwardt’s itinerary began becoming evidence before his family had finished grieving.

You Could Call It the End of the World

Money is the most practical border. A person can sleep outdoors without identification. The moment he wants a hotel, apartment, salary, international ticket or functioning bank account, somebody asks for the name behind the money. A friend of mine treats $9,999 as the largest sum one may carry into the United States. The actual rule is subtler: more than $10,000 may be transported legally, but it must be declared. Japan similarly requires declaration above one million yen. The threshold is not a wall. It is a checkpoint at which money becomes narrative. Where did it come from? Why are you carrying it? Who are you?

The old fugitive relied on fragmentation. A birth certificate sat in one office, fingerprints in another, employment history in a filing cabinet, border entries in ledgers and newspaper photographs in local archives. None of these systems was necessarily weak. They simply did not consult one another quickly. The fugitive’s skill lay in remaining inside the delay.

The decisive modern development is linkage. Passports became machine-readable and biometric. Banking systems identify customers and flag patterns. Phones create location and relationship histories. Cameras no longer merely preserve images; increasingly, software compares faces. Search engines connect photographs with names and places. DNA can identify a person who never submitted a sample because a distant relative did. Public records, commercial databases and social media supply continuity from childhood to the present.

Every system contains errors. Facial recognition misidentifies people. Records conflict. Databases leak. Names are misspelled. The second life does not die because any single machine knows everything. It dies because machines ask one another. The old fugitive needed to prevent one sheriff from telephoning another. The modern fugitive must prevent every machine from recognizing every other machine.

Josef Rusnak’s largely forgotten 1999 science-fiction film The Thirteenth Floor supplies the finest image of this condition. Douglas Hall, a computer scientist in Los Angeles, discovers that the simulated version of 1937 Los Angeles created by his company contains conscious inhabitants. More disturbingly, he learns that his own Los Angeles is another simulation. Following instructions left by his murdered mentor, Hall drives toward Tucson, ignores the road signs and barricades, and eventually reaches the boundary of his universe. The desert stops. The mountains dissolve. Beyond them stands an unfinished green wireframe—the scaffolding of a world nobody expected its inhabitants to inspect. Hall has not merely failed to escape Los Angeles. He has reached the place where Los Angeles runs out.

“You could call it the end of the world,” he says. The line is quiet because terror has already done the shouting. Moll Flanders could leave one town and supply the next with another name. Valjean could cross into another jurisdiction. Dick Whitman could exchange identification tags with a dead officer. Hall cannot accomplish even the preliminary act of departure because the road, desert and destination belong to the same system.

There is no countryside beyond surveillance and no unindexed territory in which to begin again; there is only the end of the program. Our world has not yet become Hall’s wireframe desert, but it increasingly resembles it. Every road leads toward another camera, account, border record or machine asking the traveler to confirm that he remains the person who departed.

The inhabitants of the film’s simulated 1937 discover that their world was created for users elsewhere. Hall then discovers that his apparently real 1999 is also one among thousands of simulations. “You weren’t supposed to find out,” he is told. The sentence might serve as the motto of every identity system. The structure works best when the contained person mistakes its limitations for the natural shape of reality.

Elon Musk’s claim that there is only a one-in-billions chance of our inhabiting “base reality” is not a scientific calculation. It is a swaggering compression of the simulation argument: if advanced civilizations produce enormous numbers of conscious simulated worlds, a randomly situated observer is more likely to occupy one of those than the single original reality beneath them. Whether or not Musk is right, The Thirteenth Floor understands the emotional consequence. The final disappearance is not concealment within the map. It is the impossible search for a place outside it.

The Last Fugitive

John McAfee deserves the title because he possessed nearly every advantage. He had money, international mobility, technical knowledge, familiarity with surveillance, political connections, access to boats and aircraft, and the willingness to behave in ways a normal investigator might not predict. He also possessed a cardboard box.

I have long suspected that McAfee knew more about Gregory Faull’s murder than he admitted, perhaps much more. That is an opinion, not a proven fact. Belizean authorities sought McAfee for questioning, but he was not convicted or charged in connection with the killing. Suspicion does not become evidence merely because its subject is spectacularly strange.

I nevertheless wanted McAfee to remain in circulation. I wanted him alive, ranting online, threatening to parachute into Fukuoka, appearing without warning at a Kyoto bar and ordering a strip steak while explaining that income tax was metaphysically invalid. This is not a defense of anything he may have done. It is an admission that fugitives provide a form of entertainment respectable citizens cannot. McAfee turned the ordinary police question—where is this man?—into theater.

His technical competence makes the comedy sharper. He knew that networks retain traces. He warned endlessly about surveillance. He promoted cryptocurrency and privacy as routes around state control. Yet his own need for audience continually defeated his wish for concealment. He contacted reporters while hiding, traveled with a film crew, cultivated disguises elaborate enough to become stories and generated the publicity through which strangers could follow him.

The Vice metadata incident is almost too perfect. A technology journalist accompanying the antivirus pioneer posted a photograph containing geographical information. The machine did not need to recognize McAfee’s altered face or chewing-gum lip. It merely reported where the photograph had been made. McAfee’s legend and location traveled inside the same file.

This is why he is the last fugitive rather than the greatest one. A true second life requires anonymity. McAfee could tolerate danger, accusation, ridicule and legal jeopardy. He could not tolerate being unknown. He wanted to disappear and narrate the disappearance, to escape the state while retaining the crowd. The modern fugitive may finally be defeated less by the camera than by his inability to live without looking into it.

That appetite is not confined to eccentrics. We announce departures, document privacy, turn reinvention into a new profile and carry our old audiences toward the new life. The desire to become somebody else competes with the desire to have everyone recognize the transformation. Moll Flanders supplies the next town with a story. McAfee supplies the whole planet with updates.

Coda

Is the death of the second life good or bad? Neither. It is a historical development with benefits, cruelties and unforeseen emotional costs. Connected systems catch murderers, fraudsters and people attempting to abandon obligations. They also make escape more difficult for abused spouses, political dissidents, debtors, refugees and ordinary human beings whose worst mistake has become permanently searchable. Accountability and mercy do not rise together automatically.

There remains an important distinction between disappearance and reinvention. An adult can legally change a name, move, choose another occupation, close public accounts and refuse contact. The state does not require everyone to preserve the social life into which he happened to arrive. But legal reinvention preserves continuity. Debts, convictions, parenthood and court orders belong to the person through the change. The first life is not erased. It is amended.

The Thin Man occupies the fantasy beyond amendment. He moves without the drag of continuity. He may enter Andrea’s life, Jessica’s cabin or another city under circumstances that do not require him to explain the previous scene. I invented him because I wanted the freedom of a man nobody could summon. Yet even he carries Niko beneath the working identity. Georgia remains inside him. Education, language, childhood, loss and desire cross every border without documentation.

That is the final limitation, older than passports and more reliable than facial recognition. You cannot outrun your ghosts. A person may defeat the file and still remain the person described by everything the file omitted. Tom Ripley acquires Dickie’s signatures but retains Tom’s hunger. Don Draper obtains Don’s career but brings Dick’s shame into every marriage. McAfee crosses borders with the cardboard box and John McAfee climbs out from beneath it.

At fifteen, I thought Moll Flanders was shapeless because Moll repeatedly acquired another husband, name, occupation, crime, punishment and jurisdiction. Now the repetition looks like the record of a vanished human possibility. Moll continually finds another exit. We inhabit a world of fewer exits, better records and longer memories.

Perhaps this is why stories of disappearance retain their force. They promise that one life need not be final. Somewhere beyond the jurisdiction, ocean, desert or wireframe mountain waits a place where nobody knows what we have done and no machine asks us to confirm it. We know better. The map follows us, and even if it did not, we would arrive carrying ourselves.

Moll Flanders could become another woman. We can only become ourselves somewhere else.

Sources

Daniel Defoe, Moll Flanders (1722), and Encyclopedia Virginia’s account of the novel’s transportation plot.

Luigi Pirandello, The Late Mattia Pascal (1904).

Victor Hugo, Les Misérables; Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo; F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby.

Patricia Highsmith, The Talented Mr. Ripley, and Anthony Minghella’s screenplay for the 1999 film.

AMC, Mad Men: the Dick Whitman/Don Draper identity narrative.

Project Gutenberg and the Ambrose Bierce Project, “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge” and biographical materials.

FBI historical materials on John List and the America’s Most Wanted identification.

Contemporary reporting on John Darwin, Robert Hoagland and Ryan Borgwardt.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection and Japan Customs guidance on cross-border currency declarations.

U.S. Department of Homeland Security, biometric identification materials.

Josef Rusnak, The Thirteenth Floor (1999), adapted from Daniel F. Galouye’s Simulacron-3.

Code Conference 2016, Elon Musk’s discussion of simulation and “base reality.”

Contemporary Wired, Guardian and Vice reporting on John McAfee’s flight from Belize.

Habbibi Habbibi, You’re No Habbibi of Mine

“20th Century Habbibi.”
— Me, by way of T. Rex

“I’d go the whole wide world just to Habbibi.”
— Me, by way of Wreckless Eric

HABBIBI I:

There are Habbibis everywhere. This is one of the things I have learned.

There are Habbibis on trains. Habbibis behind counters.

Habibis smoking cigarettes outside convenience stores. Habbibis who give directions and Habbibis who give you cigarettes and Habbibis who cannot help you but seem genuinely sorry about it.

There are bank Habbibis, hotel Habbibis, street Habbibis, temporary Habbibis, provisional Habbibis and men who look extremely promising from fifty meters away but turn out, upon closer inspection, to be no Habbibi of mine.

Oh Habbibi Habbibi Habbibi you’re fine, but Habbibi you’re no Habbibi of mine.

Habibi is not a word anymore. I understand that it was a word before I got hold of it. It is now an all-purpose descriptor for people and things of all kind. I apologize in advance to Arabic.

It is now a lexical system.

A Habbibi is somebody who makes the world briefly less difficult.

That’s it.

You’re broke. You’re sweating. Your bankbook has betrayed you. Your hanko has vanished. You have dragged your suitcase halfway across Kyoto for reasons that seemed compelling three hours ago. You are beat.

You are hungry. You are thirsty. You need a cigarette. Bad.

You have reached that peculiar point in the day when every automatic door, ticket gate and escalator appears to have developed a personal grievance against you.

And then somebody does one decent thing.

Nothing enormous. He holds the door. She tells you where the elevator actually is.

The guy behind the counter understands your terrible Japanese and does not make a production of it.

Some glorious bastard gives you an entire pack of Marlboro Reds when you have almost no money.

Habibi

My Habbibi. You motherfucking Habbibi of mine. Be my Habbibi for all time.

You don’t earn Habbibi through greatness. Greatness might actually work against you. Nobody needs another great man. History is crawling with great men, and look what they’ve done to the place.

A Habbibi is smaller.

My Habibi is local.

A Habbibi is the guy who sees that you are having a bad day and, without knowing anything about you, makes it three percent better.

Three percent is enormous.

I know because some days I have been living on three percent.

Of course Habbibi status can be revoked just as quickly as it was granted. There is no tenure. No due process. No appeals court. One minute you are Habbibi, my Habbibi. The next you are not.

Habbibi Habbibi Habbibi this time…

You’re still no Habbibi of mine. Habbibi.

HABBIBI II:

There are other Habbibis.

Paul Westerberg, a.k.a. Pauly Paul the lead singer of the Replacements is a serious Habbibi. He’s is one glorious motherfucking Habbibi that’s for sure.

He had his moments of depression. He talked about suicide. Oh Habbibi. Before all shakedown, Habbibi stop it. Nevertheless, he carried on. Thank god Habbibi. Oh my Habbibi.

Give him his props, Habbibi. Habbibi.

Habbibis III-IV:

Lemmy Habbibi.

Mr. Motörhead himself. Oh Habbibi.

Now, I don’t know enough about Lemmy it’s true. That’s all right. You don’t have to know everything about a Habbibi to recognize one in the wild.

Lemmy looked like a Lemmy. And a Habbibi. RIP Habbibi my Habbibi. There was no second Lemmy. Nobody at the factory said, Yeah, give me another one of those. 

They made Lemmy, broke the mold, smoked whatever was left of the mold, plugged a Rickenbacker into an amplifier approximately the size of Luxembourg and got the fuck out of the way. Habbibi, play the ax my man.

Habbibi rip it up.

Habbibi had the mutton chops. The mole. The boots. The hat. The cigs. The bass slung over his shoulder like it was not a bass at all but some kind of industrial equipment he had been licensed to operate under an obscure British law. Habbibi. Chill.

And that voice.

Not a beautiful voice. A Lemmy voice.

That’s better. Habbibi you’re bizarre. Habbibi.

He was in Hawkwind. He got thrown out of Hawkwind. Fine. Habbibi. He went and made Motörhead. Better Habbibi. He spent decades making the music he wanted to make, at the volume he wanted to make it, which was fucking loud. Naturally. Habbibi crank that motherfucker up to 110. Good god Habbibi. Settle down.

And he kept going.

That’s the Habibi part.

Not because everything was good. Not because everything he did was admirable. Not because surviving automatically makes anybody wise.

Because the motherfucker remained unmistakably himself. Habbibi.

Paul Westerberg did too.

Different Habbibis, same genre.

Pauly could disappear into the basement, get sad, get strange, write something devastating, come back upstairs, fuck around with the Replacements and occasionally set the whole fucking building on fire.

Lemmy just seemed to be there.

Same Habbibi. Year after year. Decade after decade. The world changed. Lemmy kicked it. RIP.

Habbibi

HABBIBI IV:

Krispy Kreme Habbibi

Habbibi, Habbibi, Habbibi it’s fine

Habbibi you’re no Habbibi of mine

Shut the fuck up, Krispy Kreme.

Fuck you.

Fuck off, Krispy Kreme.

You’re too delicious. You’re too damn nice. You’re too damn tasty, baby.

There’s no reason for a doughnut to behave like this.

A doughnut should have some structural integrity. It should put up a fight. I should bite the doughnut and the doughnut should, at a minimum, acknowledge that an exchange has taken place.

Not you you punk.

You melt on my motherfucking tongue, Habbibi.

You’re barely food. You’re an event. A glazed little hallucination. Somebody took flour and sugar and oil and bad judgment and engineered a small edible pillow that disappears six seconds after entering the my mouth.

Habbibi

And the Original Glazed? That’s the one.

Fuck off.

Don’t put cereal on it. Don’t put a fucking candy bar on it. Don’t make it purple. Don’t make it Pokémon. Don’t put twelve additional Habbibis on top of the original Habbibi.

Give me a hot one.

Give me the glaze.

Give me that sweet, sweet cream. Powder cream, baby. Of course.. Nice one Habbibi.

And then you put twelve of the motherfuckers in a box.

Why twelve?

That is irresponsible.

Nobody needs twelve Krispy Kremes. Nobody has ever needed twelve Krispy Kremes. Twelve Krispy Kremes is not a food purchase. It is in fact an Habbibish situation. Whatever that means. Habbibi oh Habbibi you are a Habbbibi of mine. I guess.

Habbibi.

Dedication:

To each and every Habbibi around these days. You rule my Habbibi. And yes Habbibi, you are, after all, still my Habbibi. Habbibi.

Bill Simmons’ Half-Baked Ideas

Note: Free vasectomies. Sicario Fantasy Camp. Bring back dumbwaiters. These ideas are not fully baked. That is the point.

This piece represents my first attempt to come up with some of what Bill Simmons and Kevin Wildes call “Half-Baked Ideas.” Simmons is, of course, the longtime sportswriter and podcaster whom I have discussed elsewhere on The Kyoto Kibbitzer. I roasted him pretty good in that piece, but that’s okay. He can take it.

“Half-Baked Ideas” is not my very favorite of Simmons’ recurring bits, but Simmons and Wildes are always funny, and I enjoy the bit. So, of course, I decided to try to come up with some of my own.

This proved to be a little difficult. For Half-Baked Ideas, you really have to thread the needle between complete absurdity and partial plausibility. A Half-Baked Idea can’t simply be a terrible idea. It needs to sound just reasonable enough that somebody might listen to it and think, You know, that actually might work. Then, usually about ten seconds later, the whole thing should begin to fall apart.

For my version, Simmons will be joined by his old friend Cousin Sal. Why? Because I know Cousin Sal better, and this is my website.

Half-Baked Idea #1: Free Vasectomies

SAL: Dude, I think I got one. I think this is the definition of a Half-Baked Idea.

BILL: What’s that, Sal?

SAL: Free vasectomies. Every city in America. Several locations. But here’s the thing: they have to be immediately reversible.

BILL: Okay…

SAL: Because think about it, Billy. You got a hot date with Tracy. You think you’re gonna score. You don’t want to use a condom, obviously.

BILL: Obviously?

SAL: Come on, Billy. You’ve been known to pull the goalie from time to time.

BILL: Maybe.

SAL: So you stop in on the way to dinner. Get the snip. Boom. You and Tracy get down to business. Next morning, you go back and get it reversed. No problem.

Pause.

BILL: I kind of like it.

SAL: Right?

BILL: Except then you’re getting surgery before every date.

SAL: It’s not surgery, Billy. It’s the snip.

BILL: I think the snip is still surgery.

SAL: All right, whatever. That’s why they have several locations.

END SCENE.

Half-Baked Idea #2: Sicario Fantasy Camp

BILL: Okay, Sal, I think I got a good one too.

SAL: Okay. Hit me with it.

BILL: Dude. Picture this. It’s just called Sicario Fantasy Camp.

Pause.

SAL: Hmm. I guess it could work. But how?

BILL: Well, just think about it. You get to choose from five characters. You can be Matt Graver. You can be Benicio. You can be Kate. You can be Kate’s partner. Or you can be Ted, the cowboy guy who tries to kill Kate and pays the price.

SAL: Why would anybody pick Ted?

BILL: I don’t know. Somebody’s gotta be Ted.

SAL: Okay.

BILL: Then you spend the weekend doing Sicario things. You get the sunglasses. The tactical gear. You ride around in a convoy—

SAL: Where?

BILL: Arizona. Somewhere. And, Sal, get this.

SAL: What?

BILL: You get to fly a drone.

SAL: A real drone?

BILL: Yeah.

SAL: With missiles?

BILL: No, Sal. They’re not gonna give you missiles.

SAL: Well, then what am I doing with the drone?

BILL: Sicario things.

Pause.

SAL: I don’t know, Bill. Sounds a little complex. And the movie’s kinda old.

BILL: Come on, Sally. Everybody loves Sicario, right?

SAL: Yeah, Bill. You do, anyway.

Later, at the pitch meeting

Several executives sit across the table from Simmons.

EXECUTIVE: Okay, Bill. And what exactly do people do in Arizona for the whole weekend?

Pause.

BILL: Sicario things.

END SCENE.

Half-Baked Idea #3: Bring Back Dumbwaiters

BILL: Okay, Sal, we gotta wrap soon. What’s your last one?

SAL: Okay, Bill. I’ve been thinking about this one for a little while.

BILL: Okay.

SAL: I don’t have it fully worked out yet.

BILL: Great start.

SAL: But basically, it’s: bring dumbwaiters back.

BILL: Dumbwaiters?

SAL: Yeah.

BILL: Were they gone?

SAL: Exactly, Billy. That’s the problem. Nobody knows.

BILL: Okay, but that’s not quite what I meant.

SAL: Think about how much shit you carry around your house every day. Food. Drinks. Laundry. Amazon boxes. Whatever. Why am I carrying this stuff upstairs myself? It’s 2026.

BILL: So you want an elevator for your sandwich.

SAL: Not just the sandwich, Billy. Anything.

BILL: How big is this dumbwaiter?

SAL: I don’t know. Pretty big.

BILL: Can a person fit in it?

SAL: No.

Pause.

SAL: Maybe a kid.

BILL: Sal.

SAL: I’m not saying you put the kid in there. I’m saying technically the kid fits.

BILL: Okay, so now every house in America has this child-sized elevator going between floors.

SAL: Exactly.

BILL: That seems incredibly dangerous.

SAL: Well, we’ll put a sticker on it or something.

BILL: Okay, sure, Sal.

END SCENE.

And the drone is the next beat:

BILL: Then you spend the weekend doing Sicario things. You get the sunglasses, the tactical gear. You ride around in a convoy—

SAL: Where?

BILL: Arizona. Somewhere. And, Sal, get this.

SAL: What?

BILL: You get to fly a drone.

Pause.

SAL: A real drone?

BILL: Yeah.

SAL: With missiles?

BILL: No, Sal. They’re not gonna give you missiles.

SAL: Well, then what am I doing with the drone?

BILL: Sicario things

The Most Insane People of All Time (aka You’re Outta Control!): #4 Azalia Banks

I just wanna sip the punch with your peeps and
Sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’

— Azealia Banks, “212”

I. Introduction

In my opinion, Azealia Banks is the greatest rapper of all time.

I do not say this lightly.

These days, I don’t listen to much rap and hip-hop. I regret this a bit. However, life is short, there is a lot to do, and there is simply too much music to listen to. I am familiar with and enjoy a number of hip-hop artists, mostly from the late 1980s and 1990s: LL Cool J, Sir Mix-a-Lot, Wu-Tang Clan, KRS-One and A Tribe Called Quest, among others. I especially like A Tribe Called Quest’s “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo.”

Of course you did, dude. You went to El Segundo. You lost your fucking wallet. Naturally.

I also enjoy the more jazz-inflected end of the genre: De La Soul, Digable Planets and Basehead. Among later artists, I know Nas, Kendrick Lamar and Kanye West to varying degrees. Kanye is, of course, completely outta control. I do not believe I am alone at this point in saying that I do not care for Kanye West as a person. His flirtation with Nazi imagery and rhetoric is indefensible. Nevertheless, Kanye is certainly a talented artist, and I do like—or at least once liked—My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Its lyrical density and imagination are something to behold.

However other than Azealia, my favorite rap group remains Public Enemy.

Public Enemy arrived when hip-hop was still a relatively young genre, and pushed it into territory that was denser, louder, angrier, more political and, to my ears anyway, considerably more interesting. I respect N.W.A. and their place in the tradition. I like “Fuck tha Police” well enough. Ice Cube obviously went on to enormous fame and fortune, and Eazy-E had a tough life. RIP. Nonetheless, for my money, Public Enemy is the more important and enjoyable group. “911 Is a Joke” is great. “Welcome to the Terrordome” is my favorite Public Enemy song. Terradome rules.

So I guess at the end of the day I do regard Chuck D as the greatest rap/hip-hop lyricist of all time. However, these days I don’t find myself listening to Public Enemy all that often. “212,” on the other hand, I listen to regularly.

And baby, here we go.

212

It only makes sense to start with “212.”

Azealia Banks released “212” in 2011, when she was twenty years old. It subsequently appeared on her four-song 1991 EP in 2012 and, eventually, on her debut album Broke with Expensive Taste in 2014. 

“212” is stuffed with the most amazing collection of rhymes, near-rhymes, internal rhymes and alliteration I have ever heard. I understand that hip-hop and rap lyrics depend on these techniques and that plenty of rappers have demonstrated extraordinary mastery of them.

Azealia, in my opinion, takes the whole thing to another level.

My favorite line in the song, by far, is not even one of the blue lines:

I just wanna sip that punch with your peeps and / Sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’

I love this line so very much, primarily because it establishes Azealia’s modus operandi when it comes to her business and career.

Azealia is on the come-up. She’s going places. She has designs on the crown. The girl has talent for days, and the industry is listening. But the second half is arguably even more essential to understanding how Azealia works.

She wants to sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’. Then or now, Azealia Banks is the last person who is ever going to pay for lunch.

This, incidentally, makes the eventual title Broke with Expensive Taste almost impossibly perfect.

And then we get this:

I’m the one today / I’m the new shit, boo / Young Rapunzel / Who are you, bitch? New lunch?

Followed, repeatedly, by this immortal threat:

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

Of course you are, Azealia. Of course you are.

The funny thing is that these lines would prove somewhat prophetic.

Azealia clearly thought she was the shit.

I agree.

“212” was an extraordinary announcement of a young artist who seemed capable of doing almost anything. Contemporary critics heard it too. When Pitchfork reviewed 1991 the following year, the publication was already emphasizing the slyness beneath Banks’s aggression and the enormous expectations surrounding her. 

And then Azealia started ruining people. For real.

I’ma Ruin You Cunt

Azealia Banks has been involved in so many public feuds that trying to compile a complete list would require an entirely separate essay.

This is not that essay. Instead we will take a few representative samples.

There was Zayn Malik. In 2016 Banks accused the former One Direction singer of copying her aesthetic. That dispute escalated into an extraordinarily ugly series of racist and homophobic attacks from Banks. Then the fourteen-year-old Disney actress Skai Jackson made the apparently catastrophic decision to tell Azealia to simmer down.

Baby no.

You do not tell Azealia Banks to simmer down. No one does. Azaalia does not settle. Period.

Banks promptly opened another front, this time against a fourteen-year-old girl. Sure babes, why not. Ruis her too. Just because. Twitter suspended her account, and a UK festival subsequently dropped her from its lineup. This is one of the places where we can move beyond speculation about whether Azealia’s behavior damaged her career. Here it plainly did. 

And then there was Grimes.

Oh my God. Baby take an aspirin. Now.

In 2018 Banks went to Los Angeles expecting to collaborate with Grimes and ended up at the house Grimes shared with Elon Musk. The proposed musical collaboration went nowhere. Obviously. Banks hung around for a bit and then things got weird. Real weird.

Banks began posting about the experience publicly, describing her time with Grimes and Elon as bizarre and increasingly hostile terms and making allegations about Musk and drug use. Musk denied the drug allegation. But somehow an aborted Azealia Banks/ Grimes recording session had become entangled with Musk’s already notorious “funding secured” Tesla tweet and the securities controversy surrounding it.

That’s the thing about Azealia.

She can start out trying to make a song with another musician and somehow end up adjacent to a federal securities investigation involving one of the richest men on Earth.

How?

Because she is Azealia Banks baby. And you are not. No other explanation required.

And these were hardly isolated incidents. She feuded with T.I. and Iggy Azalea. She attacked Perez Hilton. Of course. She criticized Pharrell, Baauer and Disclosure. Pitchfork noted as early as 2014 that some of these fights were no longer merely entertaining sideshows: they were costing her potentially valuable collaborators. She was hurting career for no apparent reasons. At all.

Azealia would gun down anybody. She does not give a single shit.

Men. Women. Musicians. Producers. Celebrities. Minor celebrities. People who were minding their own business. People who were very much not minding their own business. Teenagers. Whoever. Whatever. Funk em all Azealia. Fuck em all.

It didn’t matter.

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

And she did.

Broke with Expensive Taste

The tragedy—or comedy, depending on how you look at it—is that through all of this Azealia Banks remained enormously talented.

Her debut album, Broke with Expensive Taste, finally appeared in November 2014 after years of delays and a disastrous relationship with Interscope Records. Banks had gotten herself released from her deal and retained the rights to the recordings. The record finally came out on her terms. More or less. 

And the critics liked it. Quite a lot, actually.

The Guardian described a record luxuriating in sound and language, bouncing around among underground club music, house, garage and stranger territory. Pitchfork heard essentially the same thing: an artist jumping almost recklessly among genres, held together by Banks’s own voice and formidable technical ability. 

I recently listened to Broke with Expensive Taste again and really enjoyed it. Some of it runs a little long for me, but there is great stuff all over the record.

All this complicates the easy story.

It would be simple to say Azealia Banks destroyed her career because she couldn’t stop fighting with people. It would also be wrong.

The record industry contributed plenty to the mess. Her relationship with Interscope was dysfunctional. Banks believed the label simply did not understand the record she wanted to make. There is some evidence that she was right. Broke with Expensive Taste is a strange record. It is difficult to classify. It does not sound particularly interested in behaving like a conventional major-label rap debut.

Indeed, after Banks finally got out of the Interscope arrangement, she told Pitchfork that other labels liked the album but remained wary of her. Banks laughed about her reputation. 

So the record-company story and the Azealia story meet somewhere in the middle.

The industry didn’t know what to do with her. Azealia frequently didn’t know what to do with Azealia. She is, of course, totally outta control at all times.

And nobody knew what the fuck was going on.

The Prophecy

There is one more remarkable thing about “212.”

Amid all the obscenity, comedy, sexual swagger, threats and spectacular displays of technical skill, Banks suddenly turns the camera around.

She warns herself:

Why are you procrastinating? You have all this talent. Baby you’re wasting it. People are going to forget you, and when they do, ultimately you’ll have yourself to blame.

TIME noticed the eerie quality of this almost immediately when Broke with Expensive Taste finally appeared in 2014. What had sounded in 2011 like the self-motivation of an extraordinarily ambitious young artist three years later sounded like prophecy. 

That strikes me as much more interesting than another catalogue of Azealia Banks saying outrageous shit on the internet.

Because the talent is real. The promise is real. The record is real.

And this is why Azealia Banks drives me so nuts.

I don’t particularly care that she’s badly behaved. Plenty of great artists are badly behaved.

I care because she’s so fucking talented.

“212” remains an astonishing piece of writing. To me, the song feels as fresh today as it did when it was released. The rhymes and internal rhymes are off the hook. The alliteration is just nuts. The profanity is dialed to 11. And the song makes me crack up every single time I hear it.

Brother just listen to what this woman could do.

Baby told us in 2011.

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

Shut the fuck up Azealia. But I will say this: you certainly ruined a lot of people along the way.

But nobody ever did more damage to Azealia Banks than Azealia Banks.

Dedication:

For Azealia Banks. Baby, you’re completely out of all reasonable and rational control. And that’s why I love you so very, very much. Baby.