TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY: A POEM

Epigraph:

Fuck the man.

Everybody

Note: This is a poem called Terms and Conditions Apply.

It started, as these things sometimes do, with a phrase that had annoyed me one too many times.

Terms and conditions apply.

Of course they do.

They apply at the bank. They apply at the pub. They apply on the train. They apply at the airport. They apply when the coffee machine steals your money. Apparently they apply to fathers, daughters, sperm banks, Houston, love, abandonment, driving home and every other human activity.

Eventually the phrase stopped sounding like corporate boilerplate and started sounding like a philosophy.

So I wrote it a song. Or a poem. Or whatever the hell this is.

The epigraph is by everybody. Fuck the man. Oh and also dude, fuck terms and conditions. Big time.

===== =====

I went down to the sperm bank

To make a little I

They said, “Terms and conditions apply.”

I gave up on my baby daughter because terms and conditions apply

I left my baby daughter in a pub I did spy

It just said, “Terms and conditions apply.”

I went in anyway and asked Mac behind the bar

Mac said, “Baby, what’s with the polo? Why oh why?”

As I chugged my second brewski

I knew I wouldn’t get that far

And Mac said, “Terms and conditions apply.”

I left the pub with my baby o’ mine

Caught the last slow train at a quarter to nine

The conductor punched my ticket and looked me dead in the eye

“Ride anywhere you want, baby

Still terms and conditions apply.”

I left my baby daughter down by the riverside.

I said, “Hon, honey bun—terms and conditions apply.”

She looked at me once and she looked at the sky.

Then she said, “Daddy, everybody leaves. They just tell you different reasons why.”

I went down to the airport. To Houston I would fly.

The stewardess was out of sorts. I never did learn why.

I said, “Baby, I’ve heard that all day. If I hear it again, I’m gonna cry.”

She said, “Well, there’s really nothing I can say except

terms and conditions apply.”

I landed down in Houston underneath a Texas sky.

Bought a coffee from a machine that took my money twice.

I kicked it once. It kicked me back. A little red light blinked nearby:

Terms and conditions apply

So I walked out toward the highway with no particular place in mind

My baby called from somewhere. I said, “Baby, are you all right?”

She said, “I’m fine. But if you’re coming home, you better come tonight.”

I said, “Baby, I’m coming.”

She said, “All right any yet”

Terms and conditions apply.

Of course they do dude. Always.

Habbibi Habbibi, You’re No Habbibi of Mine

“20th Century Habbibi.”
— Me, by way of T. Rex

“I’d go the whole wide world just to Habbibi.”
— Me, by way of Wreckless Eric

HABBIBI I:

There are Habbibis everywhere. This is one of the things I have learned.

There are Habbibis on trains. Habbibis behind counters.

Habibis smoking cigarettes outside convenience stores. Habbibis who give directions and Habbibis who give you cigarettes and Habbibis who cannot help you but seem genuinely sorry about it.

There are bank Habbibis, hotel Habbibis, street Habbibis, temporary Habbibis, provisional Habbibis and men who look extremely promising from fifty meters away but turn out, upon closer inspection, to be no Habbibi of mine.

Oh Habbibi Habbibi Habbibi you’re fine, but Habbibi you’re no Habbibi of mine.

Habibi is not a word anymore. I understand that it was a word before I got hold of it. It is now an all-purpose descriptor for people and things of all kind. I apologize in advance to Arabic.

It is now a lexical system.

A Habbibi is somebody who makes the world briefly less difficult.

That’s it.

You’re broke. You’re sweating. Your bankbook has betrayed you. Your hanko has vanished. You have dragged your suitcase halfway across Kyoto for reasons that seemed compelling three hours ago. You are beat.

You are hungry. You are thirsty. You need a cigarette. Bad.

You have reached that peculiar point in the day when every automatic door, ticket gate and escalator appears to have developed a personal grievance against you.

And then somebody does one decent thing.

Nothing enormous. He holds the door. She tells you where the elevator actually is.

The guy behind the counter understands your terrible Japanese and does not make a production of it.

Some glorious bastard gives you an entire pack of Marlboro Reds when you have almost no money.

Habibi

My Habbibi. You motherfucking Habbibi of mine. Be my Habbibi for all time.

You don’t earn Habbibi through greatness. Greatness might actually work against you. Nobody needs another great man. History is crawling with great men, and look what they’ve done to the place.

A Habbibi is smaller.

My Habibi is local.

A Habbibi is the guy who sees that you are having a bad day and, without knowing anything about you, makes it three percent better.

Three percent is enormous.

I know because some days I have been living on three percent.

Of course Habbibi status can be revoked just as quickly as it was granted. There is no tenure. No due process. No appeals court. One minute you are Habbibi, my Habbibi. The next you are not.

Habbibi Habbibi Habbibi this time…

You’re still no Habbibi of mine. Habbibi.

HABBIBI II:

There are other Habbibis.

Paul Westerberg, a.k.a. Pauly Paul the lead singer of the Replacements is a serious Habbibi. He’s is one glorious motherfucking Habbibi that’s for sure.

He had his moments of depression. He talked about suicide. Oh Habbibi. Before all shakedown, Habbibi stop it. Nevertheless, he carried on. Thank god Habbibi. Oh my Habbibi.

Give him his props, Habbibi. Habbibi.

Habbibis III-IV:

Lemmy Habbibi.

Mr. Motörhead himself. Oh Habbibi.

Now, I don’t know enough about Lemmy it’s true. That’s all right. You don’t have to know everything about a Habbibi to recognize one in the wild.

Lemmy looked like a Lemmy. And a Habbibi. RIP Habbibi my Habbibi. There was no second Lemmy. Nobody at the factory said, Yeah, give me another one of those. 

They made Lemmy, broke the mold, smoked whatever was left of the mold, plugged a Rickenbacker into an amplifier approximately the size of Luxembourg and got the fuck out of the way. Habbibi, play the ax my man.

Habbibi rip it up.

Habbibi had the mutton chops. The mole. The boots. The hat. The cigs. The bass slung over his shoulder like it was not a bass at all but some kind of industrial equipment he had been licensed to operate under an obscure British law. Habbibi. Chill.

And that voice.

Not a beautiful voice. A Lemmy voice.

That’s better. Habbibi you’re bizarre. Habbibi.

He was in Hawkwind. He got thrown out of Hawkwind. Fine. Habbibi. He went and made Motörhead. Better Habbibi. He spent decades making the music he wanted to make, at the volume he wanted to make it, which was fucking loud. Naturally. Habbibi crank that motherfucker up to 110. Good god Habbibi. Settle down.

And he kept going.

That’s the Habibi part.

Not because everything was good. Not because everything he did was admirable. Not because surviving automatically makes anybody wise.

Because the motherfucker remained unmistakably himself. Habbibi.

Paul Westerberg did too.

Different Habbibis, same genre.

Pauly could disappear into the basement, get sad, get strange, write something devastating, come back upstairs, fuck around with the Replacements and occasionally set the whole fucking building on fire.

Lemmy just seemed to be there.

Same Habbibi. Year after year. Decade after decade. The world changed. Lemmy kicked it. RIP.

Habbibi

HABBIBI IV:

Krispy Kreme Habbibi

Habbibi, Habbibi, Habbibi it’s fine

Habbibi you’re no Habbibi of mine

Shut the fuck up, Krispy Kreme.

Fuck you.

Fuck off, Krispy Kreme.

You’re too delicious. You’re too damn nice. You’re too damn tasty, baby.

There’s no reason for a doughnut to behave like this.

A doughnut should have some structural integrity. It should put up a fight. I should bite the doughnut and the doughnut should, at a minimum, acknowledge that an exchange has taken place.

Not you you punk.

You melt on my motherfucking tongue, Habbibi.

You’re barely food. You’re an event. A glazed little hallucination. Somebody took flour and sugar and oil and bad judgment and engineered a small edible pillow that disappears six seconds after entering the my mouth.

Habbibi

And the Original Glazed? That’s the one.

Fuck off.

Don’t put cereal on it. Don’t put a fucking candy bar on it. Don’t make it purple. Don’t make it Pokémon. Don’t put twelve additional Habbibis on top of the original Habbibi.

Give me a hot one.

Give me the glaze.

Give me that sweet, sweet cream. Powder cream, baby. Of course.. Nice one Habbibi.

And then you put twelve of the motherfuckers in a box.

Why twelve?

That is irresponsible.

Nobody needs twelve Krispy Kremes. Nobody has ever needed twelve Krispy Kremes. Twelve Krispy Kremes is not a food purchase. It is in fact an Habbibish situation. Whatever that means. Habbibi oh Habbibi you are a Habbbibi of mine. I guess.

Habbibi.

Dedication:

To each and every Habbibi around these days. You rule my Habbibi. And yes Habbibi, you are, after all, still my Habbibi. Habbibi.

Bill Simmons’ Half-Baked Ideas

Note: Free vasectomies. Sicario Fantasy Camp. Bring back dumbwaiters. These ideas are not fully baked. That is the point.

This piece represents my first attempt to come up with some of what Bill Simmons and Kevin Wildes call “Half-Baked Ideas.” Simmons is, of course, the longtime sportswriter and podcaster whom I have discussed elsewhere on The Kyoto Kibbitzer. I roasted him pretty good in that piece, but that’s okay. He can take it.

“Half-Baked Ideas” is not my very favorite of Simmons’ recurring bits, but Simmons and Wildes are always funny, and I enjoy the bit. So, of course, I decided to try to come up with some of my own.

This proved to be a little difficult. For Half-Baked Ideas, you really have to thread the needle between complete absurdity and partial plausibility. A Half-Baked Idea can’t simply be a terrible idea. It needs to sound just reasonable enough that somebody might listen to it and think, You know, that actually might work. Then, usually about ten seconds later, the whole thing should begin to fall apart.

For my version, Simmons will be joined by his old friend Cousin Sal. Why? Because I know Cousin Sal better, and this is my website.

Half-Baked Idea #1: Free Vasectomies

SAL: Dude, I think I got one. I think this is the definition of a Half-Baked Idea.

BILL: What’s that, Sal?

SAL: Free vasectomies. Every city in America. Several locations. But here’s the thing: they have to be immediately reversible.

BILL: Okay…

SAL: Because think about it, Billy. You got a hot date with Tracy. You think you’re gonna score. You don’t want to use a condom, obviously.

BILL: Obviously?

SAL: Come on, Billy. You’ve been known to pull the goalie from time to time.

BILL: Maybe.

SAL: So you stop in on the way to dinner. Get the snip. Boom. You and Tracy get down to business. Next morning, you go back and get it reversed. No problem.

Pause.

BILL: I kind of like it.

SAL: Right?

BILL: Except then you’re getting surgery before every date.

SAL: It’s not surgery, Billy. It’s the snip.

BILL: I think the snip is still surgery.

SAL: All right, whatever. That’s why they have several locations.

END SCENE.

Half-Baked Idea #2: Sicario Fantasy Camp

BILL: Okay, Sal, I think I got a good one too.

SAL: Okay. Hit me with it.

BILL: Dude. Picture this. It’s just called Sicario Fantasy Camp.

Pause.

SAL: Hmm. I guess it could work. But how?

BILL: Well, just think about it. You get to choose from five characters. You can be Matt Graver. You can be Benicio. You can be Kate. You can be Kate’s partner. Or you can be Ted, the cowboy guy who tries to kill Kate and pays the price.

SAL: Why would anybody pick Ted?

BILL: I don’t know. Somebody’s gotta be Ted.

SAL: Okay.

BILL: Then you spend the weekend doing Sicario things. You get the sunglasses. The tactical gear. You ride around in a convoy—

SAL: Where?

BILL: Arizona. Somewhere. And, Sal, get this.

SAL: What?

BILL: You get to fly a drone.

SAL: A real drone?

BILL: Yeah.

SAL: With missiles?

BILL: No, Sal. They’re not gonna give you missiles.

SAL: Well, then what am I doing with the drone?

BILL: Sicario things.

Pause.

SAL: I don’t know, Bill. Sounds a little complex. And the movie’s kinda old.

BILL: Come on, Sally. Everybody loves Sicario, right?

SAL: Yeah, Bill. You do, anyway.

Later, at the pitch meeting

Several executives sit across the table from Simmons.

EXECUTIVE: Okay, Bill. And what exactly do people do in Arizona for the whole weekend?

Pause.

BILL: Sicario things.

END SCENE.

Half-Baked Idea #3: Bring Back Dumbwaiters

BILL: Okay, Sal, we gotta wrap soon. What’s your last one?

SAL: Okay, Bill. I’ve been thinking about this one for a little while.

BILL: Okay.

SAL: I don’t have it fully worked out yet.

BILL: Great start.

SAL: But basically, it’s: bring dumbwaiters back.

BILL: Dumbwaiters?

SAL: Yeah.

BILL: Were they gone?

SAL: Exactly, Billy. That’s the problem. Nobody knows.

BILL: Okay, but that’s not quite what I meant.

SAL: Think about how much shit you carry around your house every day. Food. Drinks. Laundry. Amazon boxes. Whatever. Why am I carrying this stuff upstairs myself? It’s 2026.

BILL: So you want an elevator for your sandwich.

SAL: Not just the sandwich, Billy. Anything.

BILL: How big is this dumbwaiter?

SAL: I don’t know. Pretty big.

BILL: Can a person fit in it?

SAL: No.

Pause.

SAL: Maybe a kid.

BILL: Sal.

SAL: I’m not saying you put the kid in there. I’m saying technically the kid fits.

BILL: Okay, so now every house in America has this child-sized elevator going between floors.

SAL: Exactly.

BILL: That seems incredibly dangerous.

SAL: Well, we’ll put a sticker on it or something.

BILL: Okay, sure, Sal.

END SCENE.

And the drone is the next beat:

BILL: Then you spend the weekend doing Sicario things. You get the sunglasses, the tactical gear. You ride around in a convoy—

SAL: Where?

BILL: Arizona. Somewhere. And, Sal, get this.

SAL: What?

BILL: You get to fly a drone.

Pause.

SAL: A real drone?

BILL: Yeah.

SAL: With missiles?

BILL: No, Sal. They’re not gonna give you missiles.

SAL: Well, then what am I doing with the drone?

BILL: Sicario things

The Most Insane People of All Time (aka You’re Outta Control!): #4 Azalia Banks

I just wanna sip the punch with your peeps and
Sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’

— Azealia Banks, “212”

I. Introduction

In my opinion, Azealia Banks is the greatest rapper of all time.

I do not say this lightly.

These days, I don’t listen to much rap and hip-hop. I regret this a bit. However, life is short, there is a lot to do, and there is simply too much music to listen to. I am familiar with and enjoy a number of hip-hop artists, mostly from the late 1980s and 1990s: LL Cool J, Sir Mix-a-Lot, Wu-Tang Clan, KRS-One and A Tribe Called Quest, among others. I especially like A Tribe Called Quest’s “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo.”

Of course you did, dude. You went to El Segundo. You lost your fucking wallet. Naturally.

I also enjoy the more jazz-inflected end of the genre: De La Soul, Digable Planets and Basehead. Among later artists, I know Nas, Kendrick Lamar and Kanye West to varying degrees. Kanye is, of course, completely outta control. I do not believe I am alone at this point in saying that I do not care for Kanye West as a person. His flirtation with Nazi imagery and rhetoric is indefensible. Nevertheless, Kanye is certainly a talented artist, and I do like—or at least once liked—My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Its lyrical density and imagination are something to behold.

However other than Azealia, my favorite rap group remains Public Enemy.

Public Enemy arrived when hip-hop was still a relatively young genre, and pushed it into territory that was denser, louder, angrier, more political and, to my ears anyway, considerably more interesting. I respect N.W.A. and their place in the tradition. I like “Fuck tha Police” well enough. Ice Cube obviously went on to enormous fame and fortune, and Eazy-E had a tough life. RIP. Nonetheless, for my money, Public Enemy is the more important and enjoyable group. “911 Is a Joke” is great. “Welcome to the Terrordome” is my favorite Public Enemy song. Terradome rules.

So I guess at the end of the day I do regard Chuck D as the greatest rap/hip-hop lyricist of all time. However, these days I don’t find myself listening to Public Enemy all that often. “212,” on the other hand, I listen to regularly.

And baby, here we go.

212

It only makes sense to start with “212.”

Azealia Banks released “212” in 2011, when she was twenty years old. It subsequently appeared on her four-song 1991 EP in 2012 and, eventually, on her debut album Broke with Expensive Taste in 2014. 

“212” is stuffed with the most amazing collection of rhymes, near-rhymes, internal rhymes and alliteration I have ever heard. I understand that hip-hop and rap lyrics depend on these techniques and that plenty of rappers have demonstrated extraordinary mastery of them.

Azealia, in my opinion, takes the whole thing to another level.

My favorite line in the song, by far, is not even one of the blue lines:

I just wanna sip that punch with your peeps and / Sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’

I love this line so very much, primarily because it establishes Azealia’s modus operandi when it comes to her business and career.

Azealia is on the come-up. She’s going places. She has designs on the crown. The girl has talent for days, and the industry is listening. But the second half is arguably even more essential to understanding how Azealia works.

She wants to sit in that lunch if you’re treatin’. Then or now, Azealia Banks is the last person who is ever going to pay for lunch.

This, incidentally, makes the eventual title Broke with Expensive Taste almost impossibly perfect.

And then we get this:

I’m the one today / I’m the new shit, boo / Young Rapunzel / Who are you, bitch? New lunch?

Followed, repeatedly, by this immortal threat:

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

Of course you are, Azealia. Of course you are.

The funny thing is that these lines would prove somewhat prophetic.

Azealia clearly thought she was the shit.

I agree.

“212” was an extraordinary announcement of a young artist who seemed capable of doing almost anything. Contemporary critics heard it too. When Pitchfork reviewed 1991 the following year, the publication was already emphasizing the slyness beneath Banks’s aggression and the enormous expectations surrounding her. 

And then Azealia started ruining people. For real.

I’ma Ruin You Cunt

Azealia Banks has been involved in so many public feuds that trying to compile a complete list would require an entirely separate essay.

This is not that essay. Instead we will take a few representative samples.

There was Zayn Malik. In 2016 Banks accused the former One Direction singer of copying her aesthetic. That dispute escalated into an extraordinarily ugly series of racist and homophobic attacks from Banks. Then the fourteen-year-old Disney actress Skai Jackson made the apparently catastrophic decision to tell Azealia to simmer down.

Baby no.

You do not tell Azealia Banks to simmer down. No one does. Azaalia does not settle. Period.

Banks promptly opened another front, this time against a fourteen-year-old girl. Sure babes, why not. Ruis her too. Just because. Twitter suspended her account, and a UK festival subsequently dropped her from its lineup. This is one of the places where we can move beyond speculation about whether Azealia’s behavior damaged her career. Here it plainly did. 

And then there was Grimes.

Oh my God. Baby take an aspirin. Now.

In 2018 Banks went to Los Angeles expecting to collaborate with Grimes and ended up at the house Grimes shared with Elon Musk. The proposed musical collaboration went nowhere. Obviously. Banks hung around for a bit and then things got weird. Real weird.

Banks began posting about the experience publicly, describing her time with Grimes and Elon as bizarre and increasingly hostile terms and making allegations about Musk and drug use. Musk denied the drug allegation. But somehow an aborted Azealia Banks/ Grimes recording session had become entangled with Musk’s already notorious “funding secured” Tesla tweet and the securities controversy surrounding it.

That’s the thing about Azealia.

She can start out trying to make a song with another musician and somehow end up adjacent to a federal securities investigation involving one of the richest men on Earth.

How?

Because she is Azealia Banks baby. And you are not. No other explanation required.

And these were hardly isolated incidents. She feuded with T.I. and Iggy Azalea. She attacked Perez Hilton. Of course. She criticized Pharrell, Baauer and Disclosure. Pitchfork noted as early as 2014 that some of these fights were no longer merely entertaining sideshows: they were costing her potentially valuable collaborators. She was hurting career for no apparent reasons. At all.

Azealia would gun down anybody. She does not give a single shit.

Men. Women. Musicians. Producers. Celebrities. Minor celebrities. People who were minding their own business. People who were very much not minding their own business. Teenagers. Whoever. Whatever. Funk em all Azealia. Fuck em all.

It didn’t matter.

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

And she did.

Broke with Expensive Taste

The tragedy—or comedy, depending on how you look at it—is that through all of this Azealia Banks remained enormously talented.

Her debut album, Broke with Expensive Taste, finally appeared in November 2014 after years of delays and a disastrous relationship with Interscope Records. Banks had gotten herself released from her deal and retained the rights to the recordings. The record finally came out on her terms. More or less. 

And the critics liked it. Quite a lot, actually.

The Guardian described a record luxuriating in sound and language, bouncing around among underground club music, house, garage and stranger territory. Pitchfork heard essentially the same thing: an artist jumping almost recklessly among genres, held together by Banks’s own voice and formidable technical ability. 

I recently listened to Broke with Expensive Taste again and really enjoyed it. Some of it runs a little long for me, but there is great stuff all over the record.

All this complicates the easy story.

It would be simple to say Azealia Banks destroyed her career because she couldn’t stop fighting with people. It would also be wrong.

The record industry contributed plenty to the mess. Her relationship with Interscope was dysfunctional. Banks believed the label simply did not understand the record she wanted to make. There is some evidence that she was right. Broke with Expensive Taste is a strange record. It is difficult to classify. It does not sound particularly interested in behaving like a conventional major-label rap debut.

Indeed, after Banks finally got out of the Interscope arrangement, she told Pitchfork that other labels liked the album but remained wary of her. Banks laughed about her reputation. 

So the record-company story and the Azealia story meet somewhere in the middle.

The industry didn’t know what to do with her. Azealia frequently didn’t know what to do with Azealia. She is, of course, totally outta control at all times.

And nobody knew what the fuck was going on.

The Prophecy

There is one more remarkable thing about “212.”

Amid all the obscenity, comedy, sexual swagger, threats and spectacular displays of technical skill, Banks suddenly turns the camera around.

She warns herself:

Why are you procrastinating? You have all this talent. Baby you’re wasting it. People are going to forget you, and when they do, ultimately you’ll have yourself to blame.

TIME noticed the eerie quality of this almost immediately when Broke with Expensive Taste finally appeared in 2014. What had sounded in 2011 like the self-motivation of an extraordinarily ambitious young artist three years later sounded like prophecy. 

That strikes me as much more interesting than another catalogue of Azealia Banks saying outrageous shit on the internet.

Because the talent is real. The promise is real. The record is real.

And this is why Azealia Banks drives me so nuts.

I don’t particularly care that she’s badly behaved. Plenty of great artists are badly behaved.

I care because she’s so fucking talented.

“212” remains an astonishing piece of writing. To me, the song feels as fresh today as it did when it was released. The rhymes and internal rhymes are off the hook. The alliteration is just nuts. The profanity is dialed to 11. And the song makes me crack up every single time I hear it.

Brother just listen to what this woman could do.

Baby told us in 2011.

I’ma ruin you, cunt.

Shut the fuck up Azealia. But I will say this: you certainly ruined a lot of people along the way.

But nobody ever did more damage to Azealia Banks than Azealia Banks.

Dedication:

For Azealia Banks. Baby, you’re completely out of all reasonable and rational control. And that’s why I love you so very, very much. Baby.

Beavis and Butthead Play Two

Note: A couple of months ago, I wrote my first play about the love of my life, Elodie. It is called Wayfarer. Today, I’m pleased to publish my first TV script.

The script is, of course, a Beavis and Butt-Head episode.

I’ve wanted to do one of these for the longest time, simply because Beavis and Butt-Head are completely fucking hysterical. I know the show is a bit old at this point, and one could argue that the humor is sophomoric. Probably so. But that’s the point.

For anyone who somehow missed them, Beavis and Butt-Head are Mike Judge’s two magnificently stupid teenage metal heads, unleashed on MTV in the early 1990s to watch music videos, insult everything and everything they encountered, misunderstand nearly everything happening around them, and occasionally stumble into something resembling wisdom. They are idiots, but they are very particular idiots. There is a strange precision to their stupidity, and after all these years their friendship remains weirdly endearing.

I love the Beavis and Butt-Head universe, and I plan to write several more of these. Stay tuned.

This first one sends the boys to Chicago for a Cubs doubleheader. There is a girl. There is a box of love letters. There is a Chevy Suburban outfitted for bass fishing. There is George Brett.

Naturally.

Epigraphs:

It’s a great day for a ball game; let’s play two!
— Ernie Banks

Change it Butthead.
— Beavis

Shut the fuck Beavis.
— Butthead

I: Beavis’ Birthday

PING-PONG.

Butt-Head looks toward the front door.

“No.”

“Beavis.”

“Beavis. Someone’s at the door. Go get it.”

“You get it, Butt-Head.”

“Okay, Beavis. Let’s go together.”

The boys get off the couch and approach the door.

Stuart is standing outside in his Winger T-shirt.

“Hey, guys. I heard it was Beavis’s birthday. You guys wanna hang out?”

“No,” Butt-Head says.

He begins to close the door.

“Wait a minute,” Beavis says.

Butt-Head stops.

“What?”

“He does have a point.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It is my birthday, Butt-Head.”

“Yeah, dumbass. I know.”

Butt-Head pauses.

“But yeah. Happy birthday, Beavis.”

“Thanks, buddy.”

“Now shut up Beavis.”

Stuart is still standing outside.

“So you guys wanna hang out or what?”

“No,” Butt-Head says. “We have important stuff to do.”

“Yeah,” Beavis says. “Important birthday stuff.”

“We’re going to Chicago, Stuart.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We’re going to see the Cubs tomorrow.”

“It’s a doubleheader,” Beavis says.

Stuart smiles.

“That sounds pretty cool.”

“Shut up, Stuart,” Butt-Head says.

He begins to close the door again.

“Wait,” Beavis says.

“What?”

“You forgot to tell him.”

“Tell him what?”

Beavis lowers his voice.

“Amanda.”

“Oh yeah.”

Stuart looks from Beavis to Butt-Head.

“Who’s Amanda?”

Beavis’s face changes.

“Amanda,” he says reverently.

“She’s a ball girl for the Cubs,” Butt-Head says.

“She’s hot,” Beavis says. “She wants me.”

“Shut the fuck up, Beavis. She doesn’t want you. She wants me.”

“No dude. She wants me. But whatever. Why do you think Butt-head that she wants you.”

“I saw her on TV.”

“You were on TV Butthead?”

“She was on TV, dumbass.”

“Oh yeah. I forget”

Stuart looks confused.

“What”s going on?” said Stewart “What’s a ball girl?”

The boys stare at him.

Butt-Head closes the door.

“Stuart, you need to leave.”


II: Uncle Ken

A Chevy Suburban rolls up outside the house.

It belongs to Beavis’ Uncle Ken, a Chevy dealer from greater Kansas City. The Suburban is outfitted for bass fishing and elk hunting. One of Ken’s major clients is George Brett, the former star of the Kansas City Royals.

Ken parks and gets out.

Beavis and Butt-Head are sitting shirtless in lawn chairs, drinking forties.

Improbably, the boys have found an extension cord and snaked it outside. A small black-and-white television sits between them, playing music videos.

Ken lights a Camel.

“You boys ready for your first ball game?”

“Yeah, Ken,” Butt-Head says. “I guess.”

“Thanks, Uncle Ken,” Beavis says. “You rule.”

“Ok. Let’s go.”

A few drops of rain begin to fall. Beavis picks up the television and puts it under the awning to protect it.

The boys leave the lawn chairs where they are. They climb into the Suburban, still shirtless.

They both sit in the back.

Ken passes them a bag containing sandwiches, chips, oranges and iced tea. Beavis looks inside.

“Thanks, Uncle Ken. You rule.”

Butt-Head lowers his voice.

“Beavis, your uncle may rule, but he also needs to shut the fuck up.”

“Why?”

“There’s not enough food to get us to Chicago.”

“Dumbass. We can stop on the way.”

“Oh yeah.”

Ken butts his cigarette in the front ashtray. The boys throw theirs out the window.

A few minutes later, Butt-Head leans forward.

“Hey, Ken.”

“Yeah?”

“Was this really George Brett’s Suburban?”

“Yeah, Butt-Head. It sure was.”

“Whoa.”

Beavis looks around the interior.

“George Brett played baseball.”

“Yeah, Beavis. Everybody knows that.”

“Oh yeah.”

Butt-Head leans farther toward the front seat.

“Hey, Ken.”

“What?”

His voice drops.

“But did George Brett score in here?”

Ken looks at him in the rearview mirror.

“I don’t know. Probably.”

The boys look at each other.

“Whoa dude”


III: The Motel 6

The rest of the drive passes without incident.

Around seven, Ken pulls into a roadside Motel 6. Beavis looks through the window at the motel.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“It’s a motel.”

“Yeah.”

“We’re gonna score.”

“Oh yeah, Beavis. We’re gonna score all right.”

Ken overhears them from the front seat.

“Boys, if you’re really serious about scoring tonight, there’s a truck stop right over there.”

The boys look over.

“I don’t know for sure,” Ken continues, “but I’ve heard there are a lot of lot lizards around there at night.”

Beavis looks at Butt-Head.

“What the fuck is a lot lizard?”

“Shut up, Beavis. A lot lizard is just another word for a lady of the night.”

“Oh yeah.”

They eat chicken-fried steak at a diner beside the motel. By ten-thirty, Uncle Ken is asleep.

Beavis and Butt-Head are not.

They stand outside their motel room drinking two of Uncle Ken’s beers.

“Beavis.”

“Yeah?”

“You wanna go find those lizards?”

“Yeah. Heh heh.”

They walk across the parking lot toward the truck stop.

There are no lot lizards. There are, however, approximately forty trucks.

Beavis stops beside one.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“Do you think George Brett ever drove a truck?”

“No, dumbass. George Brett played baseball.”

“Oh yeah.”

They continue walking.

After a moment Butt-Head stops.

“Although he did have a Suburban.”

“Yeah.”

They both consider this.

“Maybe he drove a truck.”

“Yeah, dude. Maybe.”

The boys return to the motel around eleven. Ken has his own room. Beavis and Butt-Head share a twin room.

Beavis sits on his bed.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“We got the big game tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“Is tonight the night we finally cuddle?”

“Shut up, Beavis. I’m not gonna cuddle with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you smell, Beavis.”

“Oh yeah.”

Butt-Head points to the bed by the wall.

“I’m sleeping on this one.”

“Fine, Butt-Head.”

“Good night, Beavis.”

“Good night, Butt-Head.”

Beavis turns out his light and prepares to go to sleep. Butt-Head leaves his light on.

He takes out a small box. Inside are twenty Xeroxed letters.

Beavis raises his head.

“What are you doing, Butt-Head?”

“I’m reading my letters to Amanda, dumbass.”

“Oh yeah. I guess you do that every night, huh, Butt-Head?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you do that, Butt-Head?”

“Come off it, dude. I’m in love with her. What do you think?”

“Oh yeah.”


IV: The Cubs Game

The next morning, the three eat breakfast and continue to Chicago. By noon they are outside Wrigley Field. The boys are wearing their shirts again.

A man is standing over a barbecue grill surrounded by about a dozen people. This is George Brett.

“Ken.”

“George.”

They shake hands.

George looks at Beavis and Butt-Head.

“These the boys?”

“Yep.”

Butt-Head looks at George.

“Hey, George.”

“Hey.”

Beavis looks at the grill.

“Are those hamburgers?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I have one?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks, George. You rule.”

George hands him a hamburger.

Butt-head says “Hey, George.”

“Yeah?”

“Was that really your Suburban?”

“Yeah.”

“Sweet.”

Pause.

“I mean, did you ever score in it?”

George looks at him.

“Probably.”

The boys look at each other.

“Whoa.”


They have box seats on the first base line. Before entering the park, the boys put four beers from the Suburban into their pants. Improbably, this works.

The game starts, and Butt-Head immediately begins looking for Amanda.

“Beavis.”

“What?”

“There she is.”

“Where?”

“Down there, dumbass.”

Butt-Head points toward the field. Amanda is working along the first-base line.

Beavis stares at her.

“Whoa.”

“Yeah.”

“She’s hot.”

“Shut up, Beavis.”

“But she is.”

“I know. That’s why I’m in love with her.”

“Oh yeah.”

The game begins.

For most of the first three innings, neither boy watches it.

Every time Amanda moves, Butt-Head points her out.

“There she is.”

“I know, Butt-Head.”

“There she is again.”

“I know.”

“Dude. She just picked up a ball.”

“Whoa.”

“She rules.”

“Yeah.”

A foul ball comes toward their section.

Both boys stand.

“Whoa!”

The ball lands approximately twenty rows away.

They sit down.

“Baseball sucks,” Butt-Head says.

“Yeah, it does.”

During the seventh-inning stretch, George Brett leans toward Butt-Head.

“Hey, Butt-Head.”

“Yeah, George?”

“If you’re really serious about this Amanda chick, I can get you down there after the game.”

Butt-Head stares at him.

“No way.”

“Sure. I know some people. I can get you into the clubhouse.”

Beavis leans across Butt-Head.

“That would be awesome, George. You rule.”

“I know.”

Butt-Head looks back toward Amanda.

Just before the ninth inning, Beavis leans over and whispers in Butt-Head’s ear.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“I gotta tell you something.”

“What?”

“Well, the thing is, I’ve been watching Amanda all game.”

“Yeah.”

“And I think I’m in love with her too.”

Butt-Head slowly turns toward him.

“Shut the fuck up, Beavis.”

“I’m serious.”

“You can’t be in love with Amanda. I’m in love with Amanda.”

“Yeah, but I’m in love with her too.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, Beavis. You just think she’s hot.”

Beavis considers this.

“Yeah.”

A beat.

“But I also love her.”

“Dumbass. She’s mine.”

A few minutes later, Amanda looks toward their section.

“Dude,” Beavis says. “She looked up here.”

“She looked at me, Beavis.”

“She looked kind of to the left.”

“I’m to the left, dumbass.”

“No, I’m to your left.”

Butt-Head looks around.

“Oh yeah.”


V: Meeting Amanda

After the game, George takes Ken and the boys into a small lounge adjoining the clubhouse. Butt-Head is clutching his box of letters.

Beavis, improbably, has gone to the bathroom and washed his face. He is trying to look his best for Amanda.

Amanda enters the lounge. A couple of tables have been set up with drinks and snacks.

“Amanda,” George says. “This is Beavis and Butt-Head.”

“Hi, guys. Thanks for coming to the game today. Did you have a good time?”

Beavis speaks up.

“We had a great time, Amanda. And the best part was seeing you.”

“Shut up, Beavis.”

Butt-Head looks at Amanda.

“But yeah. He’s right. You’re super hot.”

Amanda blushes slightly.

“Why, thank you, guys.”

“Anytime,” Butt-Head says.

They sit down.

George, Ken and the boys crack beers. Amanda has a lime spritzer.

Beavis takes out his cigarettes.

“Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“Can we smoke in here?”

“No, dumbass.”

“Why not?”

Butt-Head looks around.

“I have no idea.”

“Oh yeah.”

Beavis puts his cigarettes away. After a while, George stands.

“Well, I guess it’s time for me to say goodbye.”

“George, do you really have to go?” Ken asks.

“Yeah, Ken. Busy day tomorrow.”

“Well, George, it was great seeing you.”

“Good seeing you too.”

Beavis looks at him.

“Yeah, George. It was great to meet you. You rule.”

Butt-Head nods.

“Yeah, George. You rule.”

“Thanks, guys.”

George Brett leaves. Ken and the boys crack another beer. Amanda is still working on her lime spritzer.

Butt-Head looks at her.

“Hey, Amanda.”

“Yeah?”

“Did you ever get my letters?”

“Yeah, Butt-Head. I saw one or two.”

Beavis leans forward.

“Well, he only wrote like a thousand.”

“Shut up, Beavis. I wrote twenty. I counted.”

Beavis looks at him.

“Butt-Head, you can count?”

“Shut up, Beavis. Yes, I can.”

“I’m just saying.”

Amanda smiles.

“I thought the letters were sweet.”

Butt-Head looks at Beavis.

“See, dumbass.”

He opens the box.

“I brought them.”

Amanda looks inside.

“All twenty?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Butt-Head pauses.

“In case you forgot.”

“Oh.”

Beavis is getting impatient to speak to Amanda.

“Hey, Amanda.”

“Yeah?”

“I washed my face.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah.”

A beat.

“I did that for you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Butt-Head looks at him.

“Dumbass.”

Amanda finishes her lime spritzer. She stands and stretches.

“Well, guys, I should probably get going.”

Butt-Head stands immediately.

“Yeah. Me too.”

Beavis stands.

“Yeah. Me too.”

“You guys have a good trip home.”

“Thanks, Amanda,” Beavis says.

“Yeah,” Butt-Head says. “Thanks.”

Amanda waves.

“Bye, guys.”

“Bye, Amanda.”

She leaves.

The boys remain standing. Beavis looks at Butt-Head.

“Did you score?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

Another beat.

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

Ken finishes his beer.

“You boys ready?”

“Yeah.”


VI

The cab pulls up outside the Hyatt.

Ken pays the driver. Beavis and Butt-Head climb out.

They walk toward the entrance.

“Hey, Butt-Head.”

“What?”

“I think we came pretty close.”

“No, we didn’t, Beavis.”

“Oh yeah.”

They enter the hotel.

Later, Ken says good night and retires to his room.

Beavis and Butt-Head return to theirs.

Butt-Head points to the bed by the wall.

“Beavis. That’s mine.”

“Yeah, Butt-Head. I know.”

The boys are tired from their long day. They crawl into bed and turn out the lights.

The television remains on.

“Hey, Butt-Head.”

“Yeah, Beavis?”

“We tried our best.”

“Shut up, Beavis.”

A beat.

“But yeah. I guess we did.”

They watch television.

“1979” by the Smashing Pumpkins is playing.

“Beavis.”

“Yeah?”

“Turn it down a little.”

Beavis turns it down a little.

“This song sucks.”

“Yeah.”

Beavis changes the channel.

Peter Gabriel’s “Red Rain” is playing.

Butt-Head looks at the television.

“Beavis.”

“Yeah?”

“Isn’t this that song from the movie?”

“What movie?”

“Say Anything, dumbass. With John Cusack.”

“Oh yeah. He sucks.”

“Of course he sucks, Beavis. But he also rules a little bit.”

Beavis considers this.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

They watch a little longer.

“This song is lame,” Butt-Head says.

“I don’t know. I think it’s kinda sweet.”

Butt-Head turns toward him.

“Shut up, Beavis. This song sucks.”

FIN

On Conor Oberst’s “Cape Canaveral”: The Greatest Song of All Time

Note:

I have been working for several months on pretty challenging project: ranking my top 250 favorite songs of all time. Yeah I know. It’s a lot.

There are now nearly 500 songs under consideration for what I continue, somewhat inaccurately, to call my Top 250. Songs rise. Songs fall. Songs appear from nowhere and kick the living shit out of songs I have loved for thirty years.

And then something genuinely unexpected happened.

For the past decade of more, Emmylou Harris’s “Tulsa Queen” has been my favorite song of all time. I assumed it probably always would be.

I was wrong,

The new number one is Conor Oberst’s “Cape Canaveral.”

This essay is partly about that song and partly about the forty-plus years of listening that somehow brought me to it: childhood folk records, American musical history, Emmylou Harris, Bob Dylan, Craig Finn, Bright Eyes, Better Oblivion Community Center, Ryan Adams, live music, and the strange experience of discovering that a song you have known for years has suddenly become something else entirely.

Music rules, everybody.

Long live music.

Epigraphs:

Music rules
—Evervbody

I support the French Revolution
—Dean Wareham

I heard that victory’s sweet/ even deep in the cheap seats
—Conor Oberst

Introduction:

For the last several months on the Kyoto Kibbitzer, I’ve been working on a piece entitled “The Top 250 Songs of All Time.” This is, of course my list, and it is therefore entirely subjective. Nevertheless, it is the product of more than forty years of intensive, daily listening to music of all kinds.

“Cape Canaveral,” by Conor Oberst, recently displaced “Tulsa Queen” as my number-one song of all time.

This is no small thing. “Tulsa Queen” has been my favorite song for at least ten years, possibly longer. The first full album of hers that I fell in love with was the 2008 live record Spyboy. I knew of Emmylou before that, of course, and I especially liked “’Til I Gain Control Again,” which at that point I knew largely through the immaculate This Mortal Coil cover. I was also familiar with her connection to Gram Parsons, and knew how devastated she had been by his death. I knew songs like “Boulder to Birmingham,” and I may or may not have heard “Tulsa Queen” a time or two. I don’r know. It was all a long time ago.

In any case, it was Spyboy that really made me pay attention to Emmylou for the first time. I devoured the record and loved it. I still do.

Listening For Something

By the time I heard Spyboy, I had already listened intensively to hundreds and hundreds—probably thousands—of records. In fact, my relationship with music goes much farther back than that.

When I was six or seven, Joan Baez’s “The Sweet Sunny South” was the first song I truly fell in love with. It simply captivated me. About a year earlier, I had dug an old record of American folk songs out of what we called the “back closet,” which was actually the front closet. I forget the title. It was something straightforward, along the lines of The Greatest American Folk Songs.

The song I really fell in love with was “The Big Rock Candy Mountain.” This song contains the great verse:

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
You never change your socks,
And the little streams of alcohol
Come a-trickling down the rocks

I understood the song, even then, to be a fantasy of escape: the mythical paradise of the hobo, where ordinary deprivation and misery have somehow been turned upside down.

American musical history fascinates me. In the mid-twentieth century, collectors such as Alan Lomax preserved thousands upon thousands of American folk performances that might otherwise have disappeared. Those archives remain an invaluable resource for musicians, critics, historians, and ordinary music fans alike.

I’ve poked around in archives like Lomax’s myself, and I find them endlessly fascinating. My primary musical preference remains American and British folk and Americana. I also love most forms of country music, although, to be honest, some popular country gets a little too saccharine and sappy for me.

I also love indie and alternative rock, especially the indie music of the 1990s and early aughts. As I’ve written elsewhere, I don’t keep up with new music these days as much as I probably should. I do try to keep up with new releases from favorite active artists: Conor Oberst, Craig Finn, Sun Kil Moon, Ryan Adams, Neil Young, and even Bob Dylan, who remarkably continues making music well into old age.

And this brings me back to “Cape Canaveral.”

When I finally fully appreciated the song, I realized something strange:

I had been listening for it my entire life.

Cape Canaveral

For my money, “Cape Canaveral” is primarily a song about escape.

It is also a song about the vicissitudes of patriotism, about being an American, about the Fourth of July, and the American space program. It is one of the sweetest songs I have ever heard. It is also super sad. Conor just has a way of breaking a guy’s heart.

There is one particular acoustic live performance on KCRW in 2014 that I particularly love. Conor introduces the song by talking casually to the audience about his big backyard in Omaha, being outside at night, looking up at the stars, and relaxing with whoever happens to be beside you. Then the first few notes hit, and the effect is devastating.

I love music. I love live music the most. I also love musicians introducing their songs. I’ve written about this at some length elsewhere. These little introductions can become almost as important to me as the songs themselves. They cement a song in a place and a moment. They also give you a little insight into the artistic process, which I find super cool.

And then the song starts.

What gets me first is the sound. “Cape Canaveral” is remarkably spare. Conor doesn’t overplay things. The acoustic guitar carries the song along gently, and his voice sounds simultaneously intimate and far away. The whole thing has the quality of somebody sitting outside late at night, thinking about his life while everyone else has gone to bed.

And then there are the images: rockets, orange groves, interstate highways, television, war movies, stars, cheap seats. The song keeps moving between the enormous and the ordinary: outer space and somebody’s backyard; American history and private memory; the grand technological dream of the space program and one lonely human being trying to understand where he is.

That scale is part of what makes the song so beautiful to me. The rocket goes up. The stars get smaller. Everything changes.

And then there is the line that just breaks my heart every time:

Victory’s sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

FUCK YEAH CONOR. You know it, baby.

And underneath all of this, I hear escape.

That is the thread that connects “Cape Canaveral” to “The Big Rock Candy Mountain” for me. One song imagines a hobo’s paradise and the other looks toward rockets, highways, and the night sky, but both contain the same ancient human impulse: maybe there is somewhere else to go.

Maybe there is some kind of life beyond this one. Maybe if you keep moving long enough, something will finally open up for ya.

For now, anyway, “Cape Canaveral” is my favorite song of all time.

Is Conor Obrest My Favorite Songwriter?

As I write this today, when I really think about it, Conor Oberst may be my favorite songwriter of all time.

Actually, I have three favorite songwriters and a close fourth. My three are Conor Oberst, my current favorite; Bob Dylan, the historical champion; and Craig Finn.

Until very recently, I would have sworn to you that Finn was—and probably always would remain—my favorite songwriter. But it has now been a few weeks since I replaced “Tulsa Queen” with “Cape Canaveral,” and during that time I have probably listened to “Cape Canaveral” eighty or a hundred times. Sometimes I listen on Spotify. More often, I return to the live performance.

Conor first burst onto the scene as a teenage wunderkind with Bright Eyes. I like Bright Eyes a lot. I especially love “Easy/Lucky/Free” and “Gold Mine Gutted,” both from 2008’s Digital Ash in a Digital Urn. This is a curious and funny title, and I like it.

A lot of people also know I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning. I like that record too, but it has never really floated my boat.

When it comes to Conor’s solo catalog, however—and then Better Oblivion Community Center, his collaboration with Phoebe Bridgers—the picture starts to shift.

In addition to “Cape Canaveral,” I love “Classic Cars,” and “A Little Uncanny,” which is totally out of control. I love “Next of Kin,” including this wonderfully deadpan line:

Yeah I met Lou Reed and Patty Smith
I didn’t make me feel different.

I liked these lines so much that I used them as an epigraph to an earlier piece.

I love “No One Changes,” one of Conor’s saddest songs. I love “I Don’t Want to Die (In the Hospital),” which is also extremely funny. I love “The Rockaways.” I love so many of his songs.

And then there is Better Oblivion Community Center.

When I first hear the record, the immediate standout was “Dylan Thomas.” I wrote about it almost immediately in an essay called “On the Song Dylan Thomas and Rhyme.”

I wrote that piece very fast—in ten or twelve minutes, as I recall—while standing on a train from Akasaka Station to Tokyo Station.

I’m proud of the piece. Quite improbably, it has also experienced a dramatic resurgence in readers recently.

I find all this very exciting. It makes me proud to be a writer and proud to have kept a near-daily blog for all these years. I love writing. I love reading. I love everything about them, and I always have.

There are many other great Conor and Bright Eyes songs I could name, but the list would tale up too much space. Suffice it to say that today I believe Conor Oberst and Craig Finn are the two greatest songwriters working, while Dylan remains the historical champion.

Ryan Adams

If Conor is my current favorite, Finn is tied or running a very close second, and Dylan remains the historical champion, I would be remiss not to mention Ryan Adams in the four spot.

There is one ugly episode in Conor’s history worth addressing first. In 2013, a woman publicly accused Oberst of raping her after a Bright Eyes concert years earlier. Oberst denied it. The woman subsequently retracted the accusation entirely apologized, and admitted that she had fabricated it.

Making a knowingly false accusation of rape is an appalling thing to do. It harms the falsely accused person, and it also makes life harder for actual victims of sexual violence. Rape is an atrocious crime. Deliberately inventing one is a different act with different consequences, and there is no reason for me to construct some kind of grand hierarchy here. The relevant point is simpler: the allegation against Oberst was withdrawn by the person who made it, who acknowledged that she had fabricated it.

Ryan Adams presents a messier case.

In 2019, multiple women, including his former wife Mandy Moore and Phoebe Bridgers, a then up and coming musician who toured with Ryan around this time, publicly accused Adams of manipulative or abusive behavior. Moore described psychologically controlling behavior, and said that Adams had not sufficiently helped to advance her music career. Specifically, she accused Adams of not giving her free studio time. At the time and still today, I find this accusation completely ridiculous. It is his studio. He can with it whatver he wants.

Bridgers, in turn, described a romantic and professional relationship that she said had became emotionally abusive. She finished the tour with Adams, and the two went their separate ways. Another accusation was more serious. Adams disputed significant portions of the reporting. As of this writing, Adams has never been arrested or charged for any of these incidents.

Whatever judgment one makes about Ryan Adams the man, none of this changes his greatness as a songwriter.

“Oh My Sweet Carolina,” “Damn, Sam (I Love a Woman That Rains),” and “Come Pick Me Up” are indelibly etched into the American folk-rock canon. Mandy Moore has had an successful career of her own, but she and Adams occupy very different musical territories, and comparing their importance as songwriters isn’t particularly helpful.

There is also a curious connection here. Bridgers later formed Better Oblivion Community Center with Conor Oberst, an older man like Adama. I have no idea whether Conor and Phoebe were ever lovers, however it is fun to ship them. I kind of hope they got together once or twice in the studio or at the hotel or something.

I’ll never know. And it’s none of my business.

Ryan therefore stays in the four spot: a difficult man by numerous accounts, a songwriter whose work has meant an enormous amount to me, and another tributary feeding the musical river that eventually brought me to “Cape Canaveral.”

The biography matters. The allegations matter. But this is an essay about listening.

And his songs are why Ryan Adams is here.

A New Number One

So that’s about it. I have a new favorite song, and it’s “Cape Canaveral.”

I don’t foresee it getting knocked out of the number-one spot anytime soon. Of course, I thought the same thing about “Tulsa Queen.”

And I was wrong.

Right now, “Leaving LA,” the glorious song by Father John Misty, is number two. “Cruiser” is number three. The totally slapping “Dreadful,” by The Violet Burning, is number four. And “Tulsa Queen” has now been bumped all the way down to number five.

Sorry, baby. You know I love you.

I continue to listen to music every day, often for several hours. I sleep to music. I wake up to music. I shower and brush my teeth to music. I read to music. I eat to music. I drink coffee and tea to music. I make love to music.

I love music more than almost anything in my life, except my son, of course. I love nearly every form of music, and I love live music most of all. The thrill of a great live concert is unequaled by almost any other experience under the sun.

I did get the chance to see Conor live in Osaka just a few months ago with my friend Jack. It was a small venue downtown. Conor was great. He opened with a few songs I knew and a few I had never heard before.

Although I was having a good time, unfortunately I was so zonked that I had to leave after only about twenty-five minutes. I was disappointed, but I was so tired that I simply had no choice.

Jack told me on the phone the next day that he had left only about five minutes after I did. I guess he too was beyond all help.

That night, anyway, we were completely out of control.

Long Live Music

Part of me wants “Cape Canaveral” to hold onto the number-one spot forever.

Another part of me hopes a new challenger emerges.

“Leaving LA” and “Cruiser” are the obvious contenders, with “Dreadful” right there too. “Tulsa Queen” has already fallen four places, so I don’t see her charging back to number one anytime soon.

But who knows?

The artists I listen to most frequently these days include Whiskeytown and The Jesus and Mary Chain. Both absolutely slap and totally rule. Whiskeytown occupies the folk/country side of my canon; The Jesus and Mary Chain occupy the alternative and early-indie side.

Other artists I play constantly include Craig Finn, Happiness, Daddy Issues, The Violet Burning, and Michael Knott, and many others.

R.I.P. Michael Knott. R.I.P. to a legend.

I listen to so many songs every day that I can hardly keep count. That is one reason I’ve taken to making these lists in the first place. The rankings change. The artists change. I change. Some song I’ve heard fifty times suddenly opens itself up on the fifty-first listen and becomes an entirely different thing.

That is part of the fun. That is part of the mystery. That is why I keep listening.

Long live music. Long live live music. Long live music fans.

Long live Conor Oberst. And long live “Cape Canaveral.”

Amen.


Dedication:

For musicians and music fans everywhere. I love you. And for Conor Oberst. You’re the fucking man, baby.

For Elodie, My Baby: A Love Poem

Note: I spent about a week with Elodie eight years ago. I fell madly, historically in love. Obviously. She is absolutely stunning and took my breath away. I was beyond gaga and remain so to this day.

She is my one and only baby. Naturally. My darling, my sweetheart, my lover, my queen. My baby. I will never forget anything from that week. I remember the yellow she wore when we met. I remember Pret in the morning, wine before dinner, cigarettes, the park, the bridge, the chapel, the airport, the songs we sent each other, and a great many things that I could just as easily have forgotten.

As if I could ever forget.

Since the years since I met her I have written six essays and a play about her. I know dude, it’s a lot, So what? I am crazy in love with her and always will be. I will soon turn all of my Elodie material into a book. It will be good and I hope you like it. I know I will.

So in anticipation of that about I wrote her a love poem. Here it is:

Epigraphs:

“I didn’t know what I was in for when I set out for that run.”
— Better Oblivion Community Center

“Two suns in the sunset/ Didn’t know my race was run.”
— Pink Floyd, “Two Suns in the Sunset”

“Don’t stand so close to me.”
— The Police

Elodie, baby, I’m massively in love with you
I always have been, and I always will be.

I arrived on a Sunday. We met on Monday
You were wearing yellow, I recall
You touched my arm and said, “I’m an Aries moon too”
And that began my fall.

We walked lightly to the next session
I had no idea what I was in for
We compared charts and we matched
And I knew I was a goner before we even reached the door.

We sat side by side at the table
Elbows and hands touching tight
When your fingers clasped mine, I almost passed out
You were absolutely stunning, a total knockout.

At dusk we went to dinner
It was inside the main hall
There was turkey, there was gravy,
There was cranberry and all.

Before dinner, we drank wine
Red and white as you please
I bought a bottle with some money
I probably pulled out of my sleeve.

You may have been impressed that I had money
But you probably didn’t care
All I could think was, oh my god, this girl—
Look at her hair.

It was colored chestnut brown
And stretched halfway down her back
It was right about this moment
That I had a heart attack.

After dinner you broke out cigarettes
I’d had a dozen in sixteen years
I caved immediately, of course
I was the victim of all fears.

I feared a future without you
That was something I could not stand
When I got back to my room
I knew I’d have to take matters in my hand.

I played “Mistakes Were Made” by the Mendoza Line
I had to call a spade a spade
The title sounded like some kind of sign
I wanted desperately to wank
There, I said it. Bank.

At the time I had only one thought
Running around my brain
I’m massively in love with this girl
And I cannot stop this train.

I wanted to move to London
Would I? We would see
It probably wasn’t the best idea
But baby, you know me.

Tuesday morning we went to Pret
It was just a ten-minute walk
On the way there all we did
Was talk and talk and talk.

We split the cost of Pret
And walked back to the quad
We sat down in the back garden
I was feeling rather odd.

You had a hearty breakfast
You was at her eating peak
After that you mostly stopped
And I became a little worried
You were looking rather weak.

We never went to another session.

I’d been thinking about muses
And I cast you in the role
When you went along with this
I knew I was in a hole.

She talked about her career
She was a photographer, you see
You was good at what you did
But weren’t making enough green.

You’d had a gig in Italy
With some famous movie stars
But your career was on the downslide
You weren’t getting very far.

You had a job photographing hands
You didn’t like it much at all
You had to do it for the money
Through it all my girl stood tall.

Before dinner you said something
That changed the course of the week
“You’re super charming like my father.”
I knew then I was in deep.

I couldn’t have sex with her. Why?
I just couldn’t say
It had to do with what she’d said about her dad
I didn’t fully understand it; I just knew it was bad.

You told me your dark secret
I had one of my own
As I child I’d been abused
Now one helped; I was alone

As a result of my abuse
As a teen I thought I might be gay
But I didn’t really think so
Things turned out another way.

I was crazy about women
Madly in love with girls
But your story changed the conversation
We were in a whole new world.

Four years earlier I’d written an essay for my blog
Called “Reflections: On Coming Through”
Its epigraph came from Dylan
“This one goes out to someone watching out there tonight.
She knows who she is.”

I wanted something like that with you
I wanted you to be my twin
As it happens, I’m a Gemini.
I was ready to put a little skin

In the game
And see what might take place.

I didn’t know where things were going
I just knew I wanted to run the race
To come in first, to break the tape
To be the champion, set the pace.

I turned on back to Elodie
Tried to think of something to say.

I wanted to say, “Baby, let’s get married”
But there was very little chance
So I put the thought to bed
And kept it in my pants.

After dinner we talked like before
Very, very close
After dinner we had wine
Like every night before.

I got a little drunk
So I counted up the score
I thought I was down on the card
By just a point or two.

It was kind of hard to tell.
Everything was just brand new.

I was head over heels for my baby
And when she said she’d leave her guy
My heart went through the ceiling
And flew on way up high.

Friday came without announcement
We walked on back to Pret
After that we went to a park
It was real nice, I bet.

We’d fallen into a pattern
I was not I
She was not she

We were a we.

There was a little bridge in the park
And she walked up to the top
She said, “Baby, this is my bridge”
I said, “Baby, you’re the boss.”

Then she started crying
Just sitting in the sun
I got a little worried
I said, “Babe, what’s up, hon?”

She said, “I’m so confused
I don’t know what to do
I love my fiancé
And I love you too.”

I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

Then I said, “Look, honey, here’s the deal
I live a million miles away
I want to be with you forever
That’s all I’m gonna say.”

“But darling I live in Japan and you are here
Maybe go back to your fiancé
And see how things go, my dear.”

She said, “Well, yeah, I’ll think about it.
I’ll stay in a hotel tonight.”

I said, “Where?”

She said, “London.”

I said, “That sounds about right.”

And then she said a line
I’ve never forgotten to this day:

“Baby, don’t sit so close to me.”

I said, “Just how far away?”

She said, “Just about an inch.”

I said, “Babes, that’s not too far.”

She said, “Well, that’s all I can handle.
I need you where you are.”

Then she fell into my arms.

The ambulances were blaring
Like a city under attack
I was getting pretty tired
And I half carried her back.

We walked back to the campus
She said she had to talk to Claire Martin
One of the tutors on the course.

I went down to the bookstore
There was a dude there, of course.

I browsed around and played Dylan on my phone,
“Red River Shore”
We sat there all alone.

He did a moment chart
Which I thought was pretty funny.

Melanie Reinhart was sitting nearby
I went and sat beside her
I’m not really sure why.

I picked up a book on musical astrology
It was about famous musicians’ charts
I thought it looked pretty cool.

She said, “Don’t buy that one, baby.
Don’t be a silly fool.”

So I bought another book
And then we both stood up.

Melanie had to move out
So we went up to her room
She had a couple heavy suitcases
So dragged them out of there soon

Then I went to say goodbye to Elodie
And we walked into the chapel
I told her I wanted to know her
When she was an old woman.

She said I was sweet
This made me smile.

I said, “Baby, you can’t be beat.”

And we sat there for a while.

Then we kissed goodbye
And I stepped out of the gate
I had to get some lunch
I was running rather late.

As I walked to my hotel
I was feeling pretty weird
I only had a little stubble
But I had to itch my beard.

At the restaurant I got bouillabaisse
And a lovely beer as well.
I texted Elodie Jason Molina’s “Leave the City.”

And she cried.

I said, “Baby, what the hell
Are we gonna do about our relationship?
Who are we gonna be?”

She said, “Baby, I have no idea
We’ll just have to wait and see.”

I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s right
There’s nothing we can do
I’ll see you when I see you, baby
I love you. I do.”

She said, “I love you too.”

I sent a couple more songs
And I’m happy to report
That after the conference
We still got along.

After lunch I was super tired
So I went to get some sleep
I knew once my head hit the pillow
I would sleep real deep.

I woke up the next morning
Around four-thirty or so
My wife had to catch a bus
England isn’t the safest, you know.

So we stood there on the corner
And she climbed onto the bus
In a different kind of way
I didn’t know what we’d do about us.

Then I hugged her quickly
And we said our goodbyes
I took the short walk home
Under the English sky.

I jumped into the shower
I was glad I was alone
I had a cab coming at eight
Pretty soon I’d be going home.

I packed up my things
I didn’t know what the day might bring
In the cab the driver played the radio
I could barely hear a thing.

There was a story about the poor
And how there was very little housing
But I couldn’t really dwell on it
That was somebody else’s deal.

I had to get to the airport
To make my final appeal.

On the plane I played Pink Floyd’s
“Two Suns in the Sunset”
And then I cried a bit.

I thought about my son, of course
I swallowed
Took the hit.

I read Anthony Powell on my Kindle
And he kind of messed me up.
So I asked for peanuts and some wine
In a little paper cup.

I had the wine and then another.
And I started to relax.
I understood then for sure
That I’d have to pay a heavy tax.

I knew my marriage was over
And my career probably as well
It was only a matter of time
Time will always tell.

I landed in Osaka
Got a room across the street
It was too far to Kyoto
Sometimes nearness can’t be beat.

I texted Elodie from the hotel, of course
It was just around nine her time
She said she was working in the park
On someone else’s dime.

I said, “Baby, that sounds awesome.
I wish I was there with you.”

She said, “Me too, baby,
But there’s nothing we can do.”

For the next few weeks
We texted, and called most every day
Then she had a dream and talked to her therapist
And she mostly went away.

The dream took place in the woods
There was a fire of some kind
She said that I was there with her
I began to fall behind.

She said “My therapist says I can’t talk to you.”
I said “Baby don’t say it’s true”
She said “Yeah, I don’t yet know”
I said “Babe it’s up to you.”

After that we sent some letters
And some texts just to chat
I wrote her in March 2019
And that was pretty much that.

I was the last one to write
That was about seven years ago
I figured the door was still open
So I emailed her three weeks ago.

And whether or not she’s read it,
So far it hasn’t been a no.

Email doesn’t have read receipts,
So I don’t know if she saw it.
I’m betting that she did.
So I’ll just have to wait a bit.

She’ll answer or she won’t.
It’s pretty much all the same to me.
Our relationship was years ago.
It’s all history, you see.

But I know I’ll always love her.
That’ll always be a fact.
And I still think sometimes
About going back.

Going back to London
Trying to find her one fine day.
And if I actually found her,
I don’t know what I would say.

I guess I’d say, “Hey, baby,
Do you wanna get some pancakes,
Some coffee,
And hang out?”

She’d say yes or she’d say no.
At least I would find out.

Then I’d go back to Kyoto,
Or maybe Thailand just for kicks.
Maybe move on down to Thailand,
Hit the beach, seek some bliss.

Thinking about Elodie
Has brought up old memories,
And I really need to chill.

Smoke some weed and drink some rum
Or I’m gonna get a little ill.

And sure, I’m ill
I’ve been lovesick for Elodie
Since the first day I ran saw her
In a seminar room on Monday.

I spent about a week with her
And I’ll never forget a thing
That we said or did together
I still want her to wear my ring.

I know that’s kinda doubtful,
But a guy can dream a dream,
And God knows that I have to,
After all the things I’ve seen.

Elodie, baby, give me a call.
Honey, baby, don’t forget me.

I’ll never forget you at all.

Dedication:

For Elodie, my baby. I cannot describe how much I love you, baby. I miss you so much. Baby.

On Sacha Baron Cohen, the Big Hypocrite

Well, the neighborhood bully, he’s just one man / His enemies say he’s on their land.
— Bob Dylan, “Neighborhood Bully”

Shut the fuck up Sacha.
— Me

Let me get something out of the way first: Sacha Baron Cohen is incredibly fucking funny. He also needs to shut the fuck up.

The Borat movies are two of the funniest movies ever made. The first one is better than the second one, but the second one is also amazing. The Rudy Giuliani scene alone is almost impossible to believe. Maria Bakalova, who plays Borat’s daughter Tutar in Borat II, is fearless. Borat himself remains an extraordinary comic creation. “Throw the Jew Down the Well” is funny. The running antisemitism is funny. The grotesque sex jokes are funny. Ali G is hysterical. Cohen has done things on camera that almost nobody else would have the nerve, discipline, or sheer audacity to attempt.

I still don’t like him.

These are not contradictory positions.

I don’t hate Sacha Baron Cohen. I don’t detest him. I don’t want him canceled. I certainly don’t want his movies removed from circulation. I hope he keeps making comedy. But I don’t like the guy, and the biggest reason is that I think he is one of the great hypocrites of all time

Here’s why.

Not because he’s offensive per se. Rather because he seems to believe that Sacha Baron Cohen should be allowed to offend anybody he wants, while other people have walk on egg shells when the subject gets anywhere close to Sacha Baron Cohen or anything he actually cares about.

And what he cares about is Israel. Sacha is Jewish. So what. The Pope is Catholic and shits in the woods. Obviously. So does the bear. Naturally. And the bear is also Catholic because when he and the Pope were out ripping heaters together in the woods discussing last night’s Mets game for whatever reason the Pope laid the guilt trip of all guilt trips on our friend Mr. Bear and Bear caved. The Pope is one hell of an orator. This much is clear.

The Rules of the Game

I have a fairly simple rule about comedy:

A comedian can joke about anything. Anything.

Hitler. The Holocaust. Genocide. Dead babies. Disability. Race. Sex. Religion. Cancer. AIDS. September 11. Your mother. My mother. Whatever.

Anthony Jeselnik has built his entire career around constructing jokes whose premises make the audience think, surely this motherfucker isn’t going there, immediately before he goes there. Gilbert Gottfried made incredibly offensive jokes sometimes the offensiveness seemed to be the joke. Joan Rivers would joke about disabled people and then when she was lightly booed tell the audience to shut the fuck up cause her daughter was disabled. Whatever Joan. Get a grip. But yeah Joan is super fucking funny too. She just is.

Fine. Tell the joke.

And I retain the right to think your joke sucks.

That’s the bargain.

There is another old rule of comedy that matters here: punch up rather than down. I don’t regard this as an inviolable either. Sometimes you can punch down. But if you’re going to punch down, the most elegant ways to do it is to turn the fucking gun around and shoot yourself before anybody has time to complain.

Shane Gillis understands this beautifully.

Gillis has a routine about Downs syndrome in his family. As he approached the joke you can feel the audience tense because they know exactly where Shane is heading. And then comes the turn: Downs syndrome, he says, “took a shot at me and missed.”

Pause.

“But it nicked me.”

There it is.

Mic drop.

The joke suddenly isn’t look at these people. The joke is Shane Gillis. He has placed himself inside the blast radius.

That’s how you fucking do it.

Take notes, Sacha.

Kazakhstan

The central problem with Borat isn’t that the character is a monster.

The character is supposed to be a monster.

He’s misogynistic. He’s antisemitic. He’s ignorant. He talks about women as property. He says unspeakable things about his family. The comedy depends upon his being so extravagantly horrible that the Americans around him sometimes reveal things about themselves while trying to accommodate him.

Cohen has explained this himself. After the first movie provoked outrage in Kazakhstan, he said he was surprised because he assumed audiences would understand that the Kazakhstan of Borat was effectively fictional. More revealingly, he explained why he had chosen Kazakhstan in the first place: it was somewhere his intended audience knew so little about that he could exploit whatever vague stereotypes they possessed about an obscure former Soviet republic.

Read that again.

He chose Kazakhstan because people didn’t know much about Kazakhstan.

That’s my entire objection.

Kazakhstan wasn’t powerful enough in the Western imagination to fight back against the joke. It was a blank space. Cohen could write whatever he wanted onto it.

And what did he write?

Incest. Prostitution. Sex slavery. Antisemitism. Primitive stupidity. Misogyny. General barbarism.

The real Kazakhstan is hardly a liberal-democratic paradise. Its government has an ugly record on political and religious freedom, including restrictions on religious groups and expression. But the United States State Department describes a secular constitutional system containing multiple religious communities—not the insane antisemitic hellscape Cohen invented.

Cohen’s answer was essentially: guys, you’re missing the joke.

He said Borat’s antisemitism was designed to expose the antisemitism of others. He trusted intelligent viewers to understand that the character’s beliefs were delusional. Indeed, Borat’s supposedly Kazakh language is largely Hebrew, an enormous inside joke aimed directly at Jewish and Israeli audiences.

I understand the joke. I even laugh at the joke. I just think Kazakhstan is entitled to say: Why the fuck did you have to make it us?

Make up a country.

Boratistan.

There. Done. Same jokes. Same movie. Same character. Same America. Same satirical mechanism. Nobody loses anything.

Instead Cohen picked an actual country precisely because his audience knew almost nothing about it, filled the vacuum with the most grotesque shit imaginable, and then informed the people who actually lived there that sophisticated viewers would understand.

That’s punching down.

It’s also pretty fucking convenient.

The Sacha Baron Cohen Exception

Here is where Cohen really begins to bother me.

Because Sacha Baron Cohen understands context better than almost anybody alive when Sacha Baron Cohen needs context.

Don’t take Borat literally. Understand the character. Understand the satire. Understand the intention. Understand the irony.

Understand that saying something antisemitic can actually be a means of attacking antisemitism. Understand that an offensive representation of a group isn’t necessarily an attack upon that group.

I agree with every word of that.

But Cohen has also become a prominent advocate for restricting the amplification of hateful speech online. In his celebrated 2019 Anti-Defamation League speech, he attacked social-media companies for spreading antisemitism and other forms of hate and argued, in the formulation subsequently popularized by the ADL, that freedom of speech does not entail “freedom of reach.

There is a serious argument there. Facebook is not the First Amendment. TikTok doesn’t have a constitutional obligation to recommend Nazi propaganda to fifteen million teenagers.

Fine.

But notice how dramatically the moral vocabulary changes.

Suddenly representation has consequences.

Suddenly words can hurt actual populations. Suddenly the intentions of the speaker aren’t everything. Suddenly the distribution mechanism matters. Suddenly we have to consider what stupid people might believe after encountering offensive material.

Where the fuck was this standard when Kazakhstan was telling you that millions of people who knew nothing about their country were learning about it from Borat?

That doesn’t mean Cohen is wrong about online antisemitism.

It means the principle has to travel.

“The Biggest Antisemitic Movement Since the Nazis”

Then, after October 7, Cohen went considerably further.

During a 2023 meeting with TikTok executives, he accused the platform of creating “the biggest antisemitic movement since the Nazis.” People participating in the meeting cited genuinely vile material directed at Jews—comments praising Hitler and invoking Anne Frank—and Cohen told TikTok executives, “Shame on you.”

Let’s be very clear.

“Hitler was right” is antisemitism. Threatening Jews is antisemitism. Celebrating the murder of Jews because they’re Jews is antisemitism.

There is no difficulty here whatsoever. Fuck those people.

But Israel is not Judaism. The Israeli government is not the Jewish people. Benjamin Netanyahu is not the Jewish people. The IDF is not the Jewish people.

And criticism of the conduct of the Israeli state is not inherently antisemitic any more than criticism of Saudi Arabia is inherently anti-Muslim or criticism of Kazakhstan is inherently anti-Kazakh.

That distinction matters enormously, particularly during a time in which people are arguing simultaneously about terrorism, civilian deaths, occupation, hostages, settlements, military proportionality, national self-determination and the conduct of one of the most powerful armed forces in the region.

Israel can defend itself.

Literally.

It is a nuclear-armed state by widespread assessment, possesses an extraordinarily sophisticated military, and has enjoyed immense diplomatic, military and financial backing from the United States for decades.

Israel is not Borat’s Kazakhstan.

And it certainly isn’t Borat.

Bob Dylan once called Israel the “Neighborhood Bully.” What exactly Dylan meant in that bizarre song on Infidels is between Bob Dylan and whatever collection of ghosts, Biblical figures and card players happened to be occupying Bob Dylan’s skull in 1983. Good luck getting a straight answer.

But the phrase is useful.

A neighborhood bully can still get attacked. A neighborhood bully can still have legitimate fears. A neighborhood bully can even sometimes be right. He’s still the neighborhood bully.

Power matters.

The Borat Test

So here is the test I would apply to Cohen.

I call it the Borat Test. Whenever somebody says something provocative about Israel, Zionism or Jewish political power, ask whether Cohen is willing to grant that speaker the same interpretive tools Cohen demands for himself.

What’s the context? Who is actually being attacked? Is this literal or rhetorical? Is the speaker criticizing Jews or criticizing Israel?

Could an ugly formulation nevertheless be attempting to expose a legitimate problem? Should an entire argument be reduced to its most offensive sentence? Does intention matter? Does irony matter? Does satire matter?

Does the intelligence of the audience matter?

These aren’t tricks. They’re Sacha Baron Cohen’s own defenses.

If those principles are good enough to explain why a Jewish comedian can stand in an Arizona bar singing an antisemitic song called “Throw the Jew Down the Well,” then they’re good enough to use before declaring somebody an antisemite because he said something nasty about Israel.

Same rules. That’s all I’m asking.

Same fucking rules.

Sacha Being Jewish Doesn’t Change This

Cohen is Jewish. He’s proud of being Jewish. He speaks Hebrew. His mother was born in Israel. He spent time on a kibbutz. His Jewish identity clearly matters enormously to him.

Good. None of that bothers me.

It explains why antisemitism gets under his skin. If anything, it makes his concern more understandable.

But everybody has a thing that gets under his skin. Everybody has a sacred cow.

The real test of a comedian’s commitment to transgression isn’t what happens when he transgresses somebody else’s sacred boundary.

It’s what happens when somebody transgresses his. That’s the test Cohen keeps failing for me.

He wants Kazakhs to understand. He wants gay people to understand Brüno. He wants religious people to understand. He wants women to understand. He wants Americans humiliated by Borat to understand. He wants everybody to understand that outrageous speech can have another layer underneath it.

OK

Dave Chappelle Has the Same Problem

Dave Chappelle occasionally irritates me for a related reason.

Not because he jokes about trans people. Joke about trans people.

I don’t give a fuck.

But when a hugely wealthy, hugely famous comedian spends years repeatedly returning to a tiny and comparatively vulnerable minority, eventually “I’m allowed to make these jokes” stops answering the criticism.

Of course you’re allowed. Nobody asked.

The question is whether you’re punching down.

And telling us afterward that you had a trans friend doesn’t magically resolve the question. Chappelle’s story about his friendship with the late trans comedian Daphne Dorman may be sincere and moving. It still doesn’t operate as a universal permission slip for everything else he says.

Again: tell the jokes. And everybody else gets to tell you whether they suck.

That’s comedy too.

Don’t Cancel Him

I don’t want Sacha Baron Cohen canceled. I don’t want Chappelle canceled.

I thought Shane Gillis getting fired from Saturday Night Live over a podcast barely anybody listened to was ridiculous. The subsequent trajectory of Gillis’s career suggests that cancellation wasn’t exactly fatal anyway.

Good for him.

Let everybody work. Let everybody talk. Let everybody offend everybody.

Then let everybody else answer.

This is the part of contemporary culture I increasingly can’t stand: everybody wants free speech for his own side and a fucking tribunal for the other guy.

No.

Sacha gets Borat. Kazakhstan gets to say Sacha is an asshole. Chappelle gets his trans jokes. Trans people get to say Chappelle is full of shit. Shane Gillis gets his jokes. People offended by Shane Gillis get their boos. Israel gets its defenders. Palestinians get theirs. Jews get to identify antisemitism.

Everybody else gets to tell them when they think criticism of Israel is being incorrectly conflated with antisemitism.

That’s the game.

Is Sacha Baron Cohen an Asshole?

Apparently I’m not the only person who has asked his.

Rebel Wilson devoted a chapter of her memoir Rebel Rising to Cohen and publicly called him a “massive asshole.” She alleged that her experience working with him on The Brothers Grimsby left her feeling bullied and humiliated and described disputes over sexual material she says he wanted her to perform.

Cohen has categorically denied her allegations. His representatives called them “demonstrably false” and said they were contradicted by documents, footage and witnesses. Portions of Wilson’s account were subsequently redacted from British editions of the memoir for legal reasons.

I wasn’t there. I don’t know.

I’m not convicting Sacha Baron Cohen of anything on Rebel Wilson’s testimony. I merely note that she doesn’t appear to have enjoyed the experience.

Neither, apparently, did Kazakhstan.

The Big Hypocrite

And so we return to the charge.

Sacha Baron Cohen is not a hypocrite because he’s Jewish. He’s not a hypocrite because he worries about antisemitism. He’s not a hypocrite because he defends Israel. He’s not a hypocrite because he’s offended by something.

He’s a hypocrite because, in my view: he demands a degree of interpretive generosity for his own provocations that he does not consistently extend to everybody else’s.

That’s the fuckin’ thing.

You cannot spend twenty years telling people to understand the sophisticated mechanism underneath offensive speech and then suddenly become Officer Sensitive when the offending speech approaches your own house.

You cannot tell Kazakhstan that everyone understands your Kazakhstan isn’t really Kazakhstan when you specifically chose Kazakhstan because nobody knew anything about Kazakhstan.

You cannot build one of the greatest comedy careers of the century by exploiting ambiguity, disguise, deception, grotesque stereotypes and deliberately offensive speech and then behave as though context becomes secondary when the subject matters personally to you.

Or, rather, you can.

You’re Sacha Baron Cohen. Do whatever the fuck you want.

And I’ll do what I want. I’ll call you on it.

That’s the other half of free expression.

Because the comedian has the right to joke about absolutely anything. And the audience has the right not to laugh.

The target has the right to be pissed off. The critic has the right to say the comedian is punching down.

And if you’ve spent your career demanding that everybody else take the joke, you had better be prepared, every once in a while, to take the fucking joke yourself.

Bob Dylan called Israel the neighborhood bully.

Maybe Dylan meant it. Maybe he didn’t. It’s Dylan baby. Who the fuck knows.

But even the neighborhood bully gets made fun of.

Settle down, Sacha. Shut the fuck up.

Did My Grandfather Tom Thomas Kill a Man in Japan in 1941?

Note: This essay is based on a story my grandfather told me when I was thirteen years old, my surviving memories of that story thirty-eight years later, and the limited historical context I have so far been able to establish. Throughout, I have tried to distinguish between what I know, what I remember, what I merely suspect, and what may simply have become family legend.

That distinction matters. Earlier today I acquired Tom’s complete Naval records, which have filled in a number of gaps in the chronology.

In addition, when I called my mother she said that she thought the biology of TomThomas that I wrote in 1988 was still in a box somewhere. The original cassette tapes are almost certainly gone.

If the biography does surface, we will know more and I will update this piece.

Epigraphs:

“The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.”
—L. P. Hartley, The Go-Between

It’s been a long time, mama, since I heard you call my name
Ah, been a long time since I heard you call my name
I got to see my Colorado girl again
—Townes Van Zandt, “Colorado Girl”

I. Introduction

My grandfather Tom Thomas once told me that he killed a man in Japan just before World War II.

I was thirteen years old when he told me this. I believed him. Thirty-eight years later, I am no longer entirely sure. I have been wanting to write this story for many years. The story has remained lodged somewhere between family history, childhood memory, and legend: an extraordinary story told to a boy by his grandfather and preserved, imperfectly, across nearly four decades.

Today I would like to know what actually happened.

II. The Family Autobiography

In the spring of 1988, when I was in eighth grade at St. George’s School outside Spokane, Washington, my social studies teacher, Laura Pierce, assigned us a family autobiography project.

Laura was a nice woman and a good social studies teacher. I was friends with her son Ben, who was a year or two older than I was. The Pierces lived in a modest suburban home about twelve minutes north of St. George’s. My parents, my brothers, and I lived a little farther north in Wayside, Washington, which in those days was far out in the country.

When my brothers and I were younger, we sometimes went to the Pierces’ neighborhood for Halloween. This was in the early to mid 1980s, and it was the era of panic about tainted candy on Halloween. My feeling today is that this panic was largely, if not entirely, overblown. Nevertheless, we checked our candy haul for razors carefully. We never found any.

Wayside was not much good for trick-or-treating unless you were prepared to hike half a mile between houses. The Pierces had neighbors.

These are some memories of my time. I mention them here because I am trying to establish what I know, what I remember, and what I merely think I remember.

I believe Laura assigned the autobiography project sometime around March 1988. I cannot today establish this date with any degree of certainty. The project took some time, and we finished eighth grade in early June. Four years later, twenty-eight of us graduated from St. George’s together, so I guess my eighth-grade class would have been roughly the same size.

For my project, I chose to interview my paternal grandfather, Tom Thomas. I sent him a list of questions, and he kindly sent back about half a dozen tapes. On the tapes he talked about his whole life, with a focus on his time in World War II. Tom was a career Navy man who also served in the Korean War. I believe he served valiantly, and he told me that he shot in the leg on one of the islands off of Guam; I believe in 1944. He leg healed and he went on to a successful real estate career in Healdsberg CA, just outside of Napa Valley. I believe that he did quite well for himself, and by the time I was little he was already retired. Gin was a lifelong housewife. I was born in 1974, so my first memories of him and his wife Virginia (Gin) would have been around 1977.

My parents Ross and Claudia and my younger brother Mike visited Tom and Gin almost every summer until the late 1980s. We called them Moo Grandpa and Moo Nana because they owned cows. My mother’s parents Bill and Barbara were Regular Grandpa and Regular Nana as they lived in the city of Santa Clara.

We would usually start just three or four days with Tom and Gin, and often a week or two with Bill and Barbara. At this remove, I am not exactly sure why this was, however it may have been the fact that Tom was not, at least of the time, the nicest man. Tom died in 2001 and Gin in 1996, so RIP to two real ones. There is no avoiding the fact, however, that Tom had a bit of a mean streak.

Looking back today, I fully understand why this was. He grew up in rural Colorado in the early part of the 20th century. He was born in 1916 to a homesteader family, and he told me for the biography that his own father was a drinker and had a mean streak too. I believed this and still do. Tom and Gin liked to drink too, and I remember every evening at 5 PM sharp that would make martinis in what I then saw as a pretty swank cocktail set.

Tom would have maybe two martinis before dinner as I recall, while Gin would usually have just one. He probably had a few more drinks with dinner. I don’t ever remember him drinking beer or wine, so my guess is he stuck with martinis. I myself have inherited a taste for alcohol, and today I would describe myself as a managed drinker. I have also had periods of my life where I drank more, however that is a subject for another day.

In addition to having a bit of a mean streak, Tom could also be very generous. My parents bought a house in the country somewhere north of Spokane, WA in I believe 1980 or 1981 and it turned out to be a bit of a con job as the house had no water. This was a problem because everyone needs water, and also because my parents had zero money at the time. My dad was just starting his teacher career at St. George’s School in Spokane, one of the two most prestigious private school in the city. Prestigious though it may have been, it did not pay well/ Spokane only had about a quarter of million people at that time. It probably has more today, but I am note sure as I have not been back for 25 years. I never really cared for Spokane, however I do have fond memories overall of growing up there.

In any case, my folks needed to get out of the house with no water pronto and Tom kindly paid the entire down payment on a new house, in Wayside. Wayside was also north of Spokane, however it was much closer to school, just about a 17 minute drive. I can state this with certainly because we made the drive every school day for the 13 years I attended St. George’s.

III. The Yokohama Incident

As mentioned above, Tom Thomas served in the United States Navy for about 20 years. At one point in the late 1930s, he said, he was a military policeman. At this juncture I am not going to convert rather vague memories into historical fact just to make the story cohere. What follows is the story as I remember Tom telling it to me.

He told me that he was stationed in Japan sometime in the very 1930’s and perhaps into the early 1940’s. As I will go into in more detail below, when I ran this story by my good friend Sergio Mandiola a few weeks ago he said a US Navy man would absolutely not have been stationed in Japan in 1941 at all. I in addition he said that it was also quite unlikely to have happened in 1940. He went on to say that if indeed such a took place, it may have occurred in 1938 or 1939 when US Japan relations were still at least on reasonably good terms.

My present recollection places him in Yokohama, although I do not want to claim more precision than the available evidence permits. For many years I have remembered the incident as occurring in 1941—more specifically around October 1941.

This date may be wrong. It is almost certainly is.

The location may be wrong, although I am confident that Tom did tell me that he stationed in Yokohama at some point.

In any case, Tom told me was that he was off duty one night and drinking in a bar with some of his fellow servicemen somewhere in Yokohama. A Japanese man came into the establishment extremely drunk and began causing trouble.

Tom intervened, and the man left the bar, only to come back several hours later with a knife. By this point, Tom said, it was very late, and we can assume that everybody had been drinking. As Tom exited the bar, the man came at him with the knife and Tom defended himself. Tom was not a tall man, however he was quite well built. Things went his way, and he tossed the man off a small cliff his death.

Again, I want to be careful here. I don’t remember whether Tom said that his position as a military policeman formally obligated him to intervene, whether he simply felt some responsibility for maintaining order, or whether he was a young sailor who decided that somebody needed to throw a drunk out of a bar and that somebody was going to be him.

I want to make this distinction clear because thirty-eight years is a long time and memory has a habit of polishing its own edges.

I do not merely remember Tom inferring that the man died. I remember my he telling me that he did.

IV. Aftermath

According to Tom, this was not the end of the matter.

He told me that the killing caused some degree of difficulty between the United States and Japan. This is understandable, as the two countries were, at the time, on anything but good terms. My recollection is that he said the whole thing became a minor diplomatic incident.

I also remember Tom telling me that he was imprisoned afterward, and my recollection was that he spent several months in a Navy prison or brig in Japan.

That is one of the details I now strongly suspect to be wrong.

Perhaps Tom said he was imprisoned somewhere else. Perhaps thirteen-year-old me misunderstood. Perhaps I have unconsciously moved the prison back to Japan in order to make the story narratively tidy.

And this is where my friend Mandiola enters the story.

V. Mandiola Objects

As mentioned above, when I told Mandiola the story some he told me “dude no way.”

He didn’t buy the date.

Mandiola is one of the smartest people I know and knows more history than anyone I have ever met. When I told him that my recollection placed Tom in Yokohama in October 1941, his reaction was immediate.

No way in hell.

Mandiola did not necessarily doubt that some version of the incident could have happened. His objection was to my chronology and to some of the surrounding circumstances. He thought an earlier date—perhaps 1938 or 1939—was considerably more plausible.

I agreed.

After all, it would be foolish of me to regard a date remembered from a recording in 1988 as incontrovertible evidence. But I also don’t want to correct the record before I have investigated it fully. For now, therefore, I am leaving 1941 on the board.

VI. Why the Date Matters

The relationship between the United States and Japan changed significantly during the years immediately preceding the Pacific War.

Japan seized Manchuria in 1931 and established the puppet state of Manchukuo the following year. Full-scale war between Japan and China erupted in 1937. The United States and other Western powers increasingly objected to Japanese expansion in China, and Washington gradually moved from diplomatic opposition toward economic pressure.

The confrontation intensified considerably in 1940 and 1941.

Japan joined Germany and Italy in the Tripartite Pact in September 1940. The United States began to restrict exports of strategically important materials to Japan while increasing support for China. Japanese expansion into French Indochina further worsened relations. In July 1941, after Japan moved into southern French Indochina, the Roosevelt administration froze Japanese assets in the United States. In practice, the resulting restrictions threatened Japan’s access to the imported oil upon which both its economy and military depended. Japan consequently faced a severe strategic problem.

However it would be misleading to reduce the road to Pearl Harbor to a simple story in which the United States surrounded an innocent Japan and cut off its oil, leaving Japan no alternative but war. The economic pressure did not emerge from nowhere. It developed in response to years of Japanese military expansion in Asia. Japanese leaders nevertheless increasingly perceived themselves as being strategically contained and economically strangled.

Negotiations between Washington and Tokyo continued through 1941 even as both sides prepared for the possibility of war.

Then, on December 7, 1941, Japan bombed Pearl Harbor.

This is why the date in my grandfather’s story matters so much.

1938 is not 1941. Neither is 1939.

An altercation involving an American serviceman and a Japanese civilian would have existed within a substantially different political environment depending on in which year it occurred. so the question becomes:

Was Tom Thomas actually in Japan when he said this happened?

This ought to be knowable.

VII. Opening the Case

Mandiola suggested that if I really wanted to investigate the story, I should look for American records from the time.

He mentioned the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Having looked into the matter further, I suspect the National Archives and military records will be more useful.

This is where the story stops being merely a family anecdote and becomes an investigation. First, I would to get my hands on Tom’s Navy service record.

I want to know when he enlisted, where he was stationed, his rank in the Navy, the ships or shore posts to which he was assigned, and—most importantly—where he was during the years immediately before Pearl Harbor.

If Tom was sitting in San Diego throughout 1938, 1939, 1940, and 1941, we then have a problem.

If, on the other hand, he appears in naval records connected to Japan or Yokohama during this period, we have something considerably more interesting.

Then there is the alleged imprisonment.

If in fact Tom killed a Japanese civilian, was arrested or detained, and spent some time in military confinement, I would expect at least the possibility of a documentary trail. There may be disciplinary records. There may be court-martial material. There may be official correspondence of some kind. And with luck I may be able to track it down.

And then there are the Japanese records.

I have a distinct recollection that Tom told me the incident made the Japanese papers. I am less certain of this memory than I am of the killing itself. However if a Japanese newspaper did report the death of a Japanese man following an altercation with an American sailor, this would, at a minimum, have been news.

It is even possible that the still exists to be diplomatic correspondence if Tom is right that the affair caused some degree of friction between the two countries.

Or there could be no records of any kind.

This would tell us something too.

VIII. Memory Is Not an Archive

Here are the facts that I want to establish:

i) What actually happened in Japan nearly ninety years ago?

ii) How accurate is Tom’s version of events?

iii) In turn, how accurate are my own recollections of what he told in 1988?

Memory does not operate like a filing cabinet. We lose things. We combine them. We unconsciously embellish chronology. Details that once carried periods eventually acquire question marks.

Sometimes families do this collectively. An event becomes an anecdote. An anecdote becomes a story. The story gets told often enough that eventually nobody remembers which pieces belonged to the event and which pieces belonged to the telling.

Maybe Tom killed a man. Maybe he fought a man who survived and the story grew in telling over the years. Maybe the basic event happened but I have misremembered some of the facts. Maybe my grandfather was bullshitting his grandson with a magnificent sailor’s yarn.

At thirteen, none of these possibilities occurred to me. My grandfather told me something. I wrote it down.

At fifty-two, I simply want more evidence.

IX. Why Now?

This raises the question: Why am I doing this now?

I originally went to graduate school to study history. In January 1999, I enrolled at Northern Arizona University (NAU) intending to complete a master’s degree in Asian history within two years.

I almost made it.

I wrote approximately twenty-five pages of the first chapter of my thesis, which I still have in print form, and accumulated perhaps another hundred pages of notes in various stages of usefulness. For somewhat complex reasons that I have discussed elsewhere, I never finished the thesis.

I left NAU in August of 2001.

Within two months, I was back in my wife’s hometown of Kumamoto, Japan, teaching English to preschoolers. Not long afterward I joined Ritsumeikan Uji Senior High School in South Kyoto. I have now worked there for twenty-four years.

Teaching is a good profession. It has been my profession for a very long time however, and I am past ready to do something else.

I have written blogs with varying degrees of regularity since 2008, and now write almost daily for my current blog the Kyoto Kibbitzer. I think I am a good writer. At a minimum, I have considerable range. And I am trying, with more seriousness than before, to professionalize my writing.

Writing is, unfortunately, a challenging way to make a living.

J.K. Rowling and Dan Brown have made fortunes from it. Although I consider myself a better writer than both of these people, I have zero expectation of reaching anything remotely resembling their fame or fortune.

I would settle for quite a bit less.

If I can patch together a modest living through writing, online tutoring, and perhaps another job or two here and there, I can imagine selling my house and moving somewhere cheaper. Perhaps downtown Kyoto. Perhaps Osaka.

Increasingly, however, I find myself thinking about Thailand.

Bangkok is too large, crowded, and noisy for me. Pattaya, on the other hand, attracts me, and I am hoping to visit there soon if my financial circumstances cooperate. If I do manage to get there this summer, I will assess its suitability as a place to live.

All of this may seem some ways away from a Japanese bar in the years just prior to World War II.

To me it isn’t.

I am trying to decide what kind of writer I want to be during the next part of my life. I write about music. I write fiction. I am working on my memoirs. I write about education, sex, dreams, politics, bars, cities, relationships, and whatever else happens to interest me on a particular day.

I would also like to return to history, at to least modest extent.

And if I am serious about becoming a little of an historian again, then I owe this story more than the version I have been carrying around since I was thirteen.

I owe Tom more than that too.

X. The Open Case

I am going to try to find out what happened in 1941, or whenever it happened, if anything happened at all.

This mother I asked my mother if she still has the family biography. She said she thought in was a box somewhere, and she would try to find it soon.

Then, when I have the time, I will send an email to the National Archives.

If I can establish Tom’s military assignments, I can establish whether his story is even plausible. If I can establish this, I can begin narrowing down the dates. If I can pin point the date and location with reasonably accuracy, I may be able to consult Japanese newspaper archives from the time. If Tom really was imprisoned in Japan, which I now regard as unlikely, there may also a disciplinary record somewhere.

And perhaps, somewhere deep in an archive in Japan or the United States, there is another man’s name.

This possibility changes the story.

For nearly forty years the man Tom said he killed that night in Yokohama has existed in my mind only a legend

If he existed, he was more than that.

He had a name. He probably had a family. He had a life that began long before he allegedly walked into a bar drunk one night and encountered a young American sailor named Tom Thomas.

I would like to know who he was.

Maybe the records will vindicate my grandfather’s story.

Maybe they won’t.

My suspicion is that the truth will be more interesting. That perhaps somewhere beneath eighty-five years of history, forty years of storytelling, and thirty-eight years of my own imperfect memory, there is an actual event that gradually became the story I know of today.

But that’s only my suspicion.

For now, all I have is a deceased grandfather, an eighth-grade autobiography for 1988 that I hope to acquire soon, and an imperfect memory. And in any case, I have one hell of a family story.

That is enough to begin with.

Nearly ninety years after whatever happened happened, I am now determined to get to the bottom of it.

Stay tuned.

Dedication:

For my grandfather, Tom Thomas. Although we had our ups and downs over the years, I still love you very much grandpa.

My Craig Finn Inspired Song “Problematic to the Max”

Note: Craig Finn is my favorite songwriter, and this song is directly inspired by him. This is my first time to write a Finn style song and I have done my best. I am not trying to imitate Finn exactly, or pretend that I can write exactly as he does. What I have tried to borrow from him is something more essential: his attention to people on the edges of the night, his gift for compressed narrative, his affection for damaged characters, his understanding that bars and diners contain entire moral universes, and above all his ability to make a song feel simultaneously funny, sad, dangerous, and deeply humane. If this song is any good it is because of Mr. Finn.

She came stepping out the club in her heels
She was problematic to the max
She had someone else’s cigarettes
And someone else’s jacket on her back
She said, “Don’t start asking questions
You ain’t gonna like the facts”
Then she laughed and checked her lipstick
In the window of a Cadillac

There were boys outside the pizza place
Trying hard to look relaxed
There were girls discussing exes
And all the ways they’d get them back
There was someone crying by the cash machine
Someone calling for a cab
She said, “Everyone wants forgiveness
No one wants to give it back”

And I said:

Baby, we can leave right now
Let’s just stop playing games
There’s a place that pours till morning
And the barkeep knows my name

We’ll stumble out at sunrise
See the bums shaking their cans
With the smoke still in our eyes
And the popo in their vans

She said she’d recently been seeing
A guy who worked in stocks
At first it felt quite freeing
But she was looking at the clock
He kept talking ’bout the markets
While she stared into her drink
She said, “A man can make a million
And still not know a fuckin’ thing”

We walked east along the river
Past the churches and the cranes
She said everybody loves you
Til they learn your middle name
Then she took my hand and said
Like she’d suddenly recalled
Though we were very good in bed
We weren’t having fun at all

And she said:

Honey, don’t get sentimental
That’s how everyone gets hurt
First you say you understand me
Then you start discussing worth

I’ve been good and I’ve been awful
Mostly somewhere in between
And I’m sick of getting judged
By the folks behind their screens

At four we found a diner
With the chairs turned upside down
The waitress poured us coffee
While I tried not to check her out
She said, “You two look exhausted”
We said, “That’s probably correct”
Then my friend began explaining
Why exhaustion gets respect

She said:


No one trusts in happy people
They assume they’ve missed a trick
Everything was going fine
Til she said “baby you’re a prick”

So I keep a couple bruises
And some stories in the back
Just in case somebody doubts me
When I say it’s been like that

The morning started leaking
Through the alleys by the tracks
She had kicked away her heels
And slipped into her slingbacks
There were punters there were pigeons
There were handbills in the street
There were people dreading Sunday
There were people starting weeks

At the corner she got quiet
Then she kissed me on the cheek
Said, “Don’t make this into something
When it’s barely been a week”
Then she climbed into a taxi
And she never once looked back

She came stepping out the club in her heels.
She was problematic to the max